I miss her

[shootingstar]

It is still difficult for me to reveal this. But I feel compelled abit especially when occasionally there are threads about depression, illness, etc. Also this is a women-centred forum, so I think lots of folks might understand:

A sister of mine committed suicide over 2 months ago. She was 1 yr. younger than I, mother of 2 adult children in their early 20's and loved by a hubby. Each of her children insisted and did deliver their euolgies on their mother which were moving. She and her hubby raised their children well, of whom we all have known well from babyhood. Sis did suffer bouts of depression which we found out later but she hid much of it from her siblings. After all, one loves a sibling unconditionally despite certain behaviour /relationship quirks, of which none were hurtful to us/her sbilings.

The surviving family is left forever helpless to explain the real reasons why she chose this end. However I don't wish to get into much detail on family, etc., since there are family members still hurting a great deal which I feel a powerful need to protect their privacy.

Since then, I have had mixed responses from close friends to the news. The best support from closest, in-person friends who have already a lost a close family member. Most surprisingly, a long-time in-person cycling friend for past 15 yrs., came forward and told me for the first time that her father committed suicide at 64. He died over 20 yrs. ago. (He suffered from depression after being imprisoned for 2 yrs. and probably subjected to some brainwashing/torture at the height of communism in China during Mao's violent reign/ revolution.) But she doesn't tell many people about it. It is not surprising to me, given the inability of family member to properly explain stuff for fear of being misunderstood. After all, friends are not psychologists.

My world did turn upside down, since after the funeral, I also moved to another city after accepting a job offer several wks. before my sister's death. The shock was great enough that I had to request delay of my start date on job by 2 wks.

For the longest while, most things looked trivial. It has changed forever perhaps, even what I write in my blogs now: I want to write stuff that counts/that makes sense to others, choose photos that are worth looking at it since Internet stuff hangs around a long time. Occasionally I even wonder about my own responses / grief to all this.

So this Christmas is thinking about the light of life in the darkness of loneliness which my sister must have felt the darkness....too much. On the day after learning the news, I started off my bike ride, crying: This one's for you, dear sis.

[ridebikeme]

Thanks for sharing your story Shootingstar! I'm sure it was very difficult and I wish you and your family lots healing time and respect.

I lost a cousin a couple of days ago to suicide, and like many, was shocked at the news. I can't seem to put into words what my heart feels like, but I do hope that over time everyone will heal and accept that this is a bigger part of our lives than we would like.


http://chasecyclery.blogspot.com

[Bike Chick]

Shootingstar, I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and your sister's family. ((((Hugs))))

[NbyNW]

So sorry for your loss.

Depression and suicide are difficult subjects, and I think it takes a lot of strength to talk about it. I suspect from some of my own family history that there may also be a cultural component that can complicate the grief process and the struggle to understand what happened. I hope you are able to find some support for what must be an unimaginably painful time.

[jelee1311]

I'm sorry for your loss thank you for having the courage to share your story. 5years ago one of my good friends commited suicide. The one thing I remember from his funeral was this amazing preacher saying feel whatever you need to feel because its never going to make sense or be okay instead of the usual God has a plan and things happen for a reason drivel. It still hurts,just not as much. Please take care of yourself. Vent,talk,cry here but talking to a professional is a good idea too. Sending you good thoughts

[lph]

Shootingstar, I am so so sorry. I know what it's like to lose a sibling, but I can only imagine how painful, and confusing, and distressing it must be to lose her to suicide. It may or may not help to think about that depression makes a person incredibly self-centered, so that she probably had no thought at all of anyone else in the family and how they might have affected this when she made her decision.

Lots of strength and peace to you.

[indysteel]

((((((Shootingstar))))). I am so sorry for your loss. How difficult this season must be for you. My parents both lost a parent to suicide, so I can appreciate your situation to some degree. If you can, try to reach out to a suicide support group and/or licensed therapist. I would imgaine that could benefit from talking to someone on a regular basis about this. Somebody who understands the unique set of feelings that a family suicide can invoke.

Peace to you and your family. I lost a friend to suicide this past February, and that was my hope for him; that he find peace from what tormented him.

[Aggie_Ama]

(((Shootingstar))) A very close family member of mine attempted suicide in front of me. My husband didn't even know about it until we had been together 12 years, my best friend only knows I saw someone try. It seems so senseless people don't know how to react, so I can only imagine the spectrum of emotions it has left you.

I struggle myself with depression and was very closed about telling people closest to me. My father and mother reacted very negatively to the diagnosis and made me feel even more odd. I wish their wasn't so much stigma to the disease. My brain works a little different but I am still a person who loves, has emotions and dreams. I am not broken, I don't know if your sister was scared people would think of her as something if she was honest. Like others had said, you will never really know and won't be able to know what might have changed the outcome.

I know here there are a lot of support groups both on the web and in person, maybe that would help? Then again it may just take time and letting the emotions be raw and unfiltered. I wish you strength for this road.

[OakLeaf]

(((((((shootingstar))))))) I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine your pain. I hope you have good memories of your sister that can comfort you as time goes on.

[Crankin]

Shootingstar, it was brave of you to talk about this here. I am really sorry for your loss; you've been given some good advice here.
If you want to talk about this more, feel free to PM me. There are a lot of emotions left over for the survivors of suicide and Nwby NW is right; there is a cultural component to this.

[redrhodie]

((((shootingstar)))) I am so sorry for your loss. It must be so hard being in a new city right now. I hope you can find peace in the new year.

[shootingstar]

Your thoughts and heart-felt advice is appreciated thus far. I now have to say...there were 6, now there are 5.

I can't imagine Aggie...

I actually posted a childhood photo of this same sister and myself on this forum over a yr. ago.

I last saw my sister alive this past June when I returned from Europe. I live in Western Canada whereas her and as well as my whole family live in Ontario.

At this time my father's prostate cancer has advanced. So the family is shifting between several different 'crises'.

If it weren't for dearie who helped me familiarize with my new city (for me), I would have been more bereft since I know no one in this city...

If I sound blithe later over time, it is because I embrace life which is why I do continue to write...on subjects I enjoy sharing with others. That as well as cycling (though not right now when it's colder) are convenient distractions. But I think of my sis nearly daily now, whereas before her death, I didn't. I have 5 other siblings...too.

A suicide survivor recently told me that in the darkness of suicidal thoughts, the person has such twisted, wrong perceptions that they are absolutely right what they are doing. This survivor had to deal with the anger (as she concurs the anger is justified) of her own family when she attempted suicide.

I will say this again as I said actually several times over the years on this forum, love your siblings if you can. They are friends for life.

[Biciclista]

I am so sorry for your loss. Suicide is a terrible thing. And I'm sorry you have to deal with it all alone in a new place.

[Catrin]

I am so sorry to read of your loss, I can't imagine the pain of losing a sibling, sending warm thoughts and comfort your way.

[Melalvai]

My youngest uncle dropped out of his PhD program and moved back home with Grandpa because of depression. Less than a month later he died of a heart attack. I heard that many in the community were hesitant to visit Grandpa because they thought it was suicide. That didn't make sense to me. Why would they be less forthcoming with their condolences??

Four years later a young cousin shot himself. I don't know if it was the difference in age (20 yrs old vs 37 yrs) but his mother had/has no shortage of condolences.

The death is difficult enough; the cultural component of suicide is an additional challenge. Seven years later, my uncle still drops in on my dreams, and his sister misses him keenly. She'll be with you a long time.

[Bike Writer]

Shootingstar, I am so sorry to read about your loss. What a tragedy for you to bear. Sending you warm thoughts and many prayers.

[azfiddle]

Shooting Star,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your sad experience with us and I hope that it helps. I lost my mom to suicide as a teen. It was so hard for me to understand why a person would be hurting so much that they believed that taking their own life would be better. I know that I felt so much guilt that I could have done something differently, but of course, I couldn't. So I hope you are not experiencing that sense of guilt.

Hugs

[owlice]

shootingstar, I am so sorry for your loss; that is tragic and sad.

I know what it's like to lose a sibling, though not to suicide. My brother was less than a year younger than I and died 16 years ago. I used to scream in my car, pound the wheel, and cry, wondering where my brother had gone, how could he no longer be here?

You will always miss her. As time goes by, you will not always miss her all the time. It will hurt less often, but it will likely be a year or two before you notice that it isn't hurting so often, that there are breaks between the hurt, and times when it doesn't hurt so much to think of your sister, times when you are simply grateful for having had the opportunity to know her.

I hope that you can talk to your family, to her children and husband, to your parents, about your sister.

Your change in perspective will probably stay with you; so far, it has for me.

I am so so sorry; you have my deepest condolences.

[shootingstar]

It's hard enough losing a sibling in this way, but I think even harder if it is a parent.

I don't know why I think this way.

by the way, another sister and hubby brought along their 3 children to the burial. They are 13, 11, 9 yrs. The parents haven't yet flat out explained that their aunt's death was a suicide.

Parents want to take time..later to reveal. What would you do..or even say?

[Irulan]

A suicide survivor recently told me that in the darkness of suicidal thoughts, the person has such twisted, wrong perceptions that they are absolutely right what they are doing.


yes, I am one and I would agree - you get so into the throes of where your (mis)perceptions/mental illness are taking you, that it really does seem like the only option. I was fortunate in that there wasn't and anger, just, "wow, let's get some help here about what brought you to this place" and we ( my family, husband and I) were able to move forward with the professional help I/we needed.

Anyway, hugs. I can only imagine how difficult this is for everyone. As for what's appropriate to tell the kids...I'd look for professional help/guidance/counseling for everyone. My personal feeling is that those kids are old enough to know what mental health issues are in the family and that it should be talked about, but with professional guidance. I certainly don't NOT talk about it here... we've got bi polar, alcoholism and assorted depressive issues in the family tree, and we most certainly talk about it.

[NbyNW]

I think you just have to trust the parents' judgment to know what their children can handle, and when.

There are no right answers here, only people who love each other who are trying to do their best to decide what people can handle.

I learned of my maternal grandfather's suicide by accident, when another relative let it slip over dinner. I think I was in my late 20s when I learned this. Up until that time I believed he had died of a stroke. There had always been conflicting stories about his passing, I had just chalked it up to people's memories being faulty with time.

I was told I must never, ever, EVER discuss this with my mother. To this day I am not certain whether it is because the family has kept the facts from her ("to spare her feelings") or if it is because it was simply a very painful time that should not be dredged up. But so far I have honored this. I can't promise that the day won't come when we won't talk about it. Heck, maybe she'll be the one to bring it up.

I will say from my perspective that I feel that this is important for me to know from a family medical history standpoint. It's been a while since I've read up on it, but I seem to remember that we can be genetically predisposed towards, say, reacting to stress by displaying depressive symptoms. Maybe I'm not getting that quite right, I don't know. But it is part of the medical history, and it would have been helpful to know about this, particularly during my turbulent teenage years.

Teenagers can be remarkably resilient, and mature. I think sometimes these days they don't get enough credit for their ability to grasp complexity. But for now I think you should trust the judgment of the parents. They are in pain too, and just trying to feel their way through it and do the right thing.

Are there support groups/organizations for the families of suicides in your sister's community? (and in your case, in Calgary?) I think this is one area where professional grief counselors can really help.

[Irulan]

Depressive disorders and mental health issues most definitely run in families, but it's only recently that people started acknowledging it and talking about it.

When my mom, who is treated bi polar, started mapping out the family history... all you need to do is start to listen to the stories. Crazy Aunt Edna the recluse? Great Grandpa tried to kill himself three times? Drank arsenic and survived? Once you know what to listen/look for, it's pretty obvious.

I have special concerns. My mom is bipolar and treated for 30 years now, but that was only after several full blown hollywood style flip outs that turned my and my sister's life upside down when I was a teen.(carried away in a straight jacket etc) When I started getting depressed, I was petrified and did seek treatment almost immediately: I did not want that to happen to me.

It's critical that people talk about it, remove the stigma, and treat mental illness like any other disorder. You don't hide someone's diabetes or arthritis. My kids have know since they were middle school about what runs in the family, what the symptoms are, etc. Education and awareness.

I ripped a lady a new one one time. She was gossiping about a mutual acquainted (not even friend) and how "omg... she's taking antidepressants can you imagine...?" I reamed her out for a) gossiping, and b) let her know that it's no different than taking a blood thinner and she ought to get educated about mental illness. I was pissed.

[Kerry1976]

I agree with sharing in the family. I've lost multiple family members (on both sides) to issues:

My mom's younger brother 25 years ago - suicide
My dad's younger sister 1.5 years ago - overdose of drugs and medication
My grandmother (dad's mother) - about 7 years ago this month- house fire, but started as she was inebriated and fell asleep while smoking and caught herself on fire

My grandfather (mom's father) - has depression (still alive, but we watch him closely)

It is so important to know and share family histories and tendencies. One person's tragedy can be shared to save another's life. I personally feel it is no different than sharing history of cancer, diabetes, blood pressure, etc.

I can't imagine the heartbreak of your loss. I am so sorry.

[shootingstar]

I've had to take each major change in life in short time period ..in measured steps. So when I get around to making use of some counselling services that I have access via employer's benefit plan...

Wow, NWBY, re your mother maybe not knowing. But maybe she might know after all these years....

Of course my cycling friend, didn't find out that her father overdosed until a few yrs. after he died. (By the way, her brother made a film that was aired nationally...about their father's fortune cookie making business...here in Calgary. A dedication to the father..)

I don't necessarily ascribe genetic predispositions. I know for certain the process of immigration and acculturation into another new culture and language that is radically different, with cross-cultural overlay for our family can sometimes cause stress/depression when values clash between generations, and there's familial conflict. I wouldn't necessarily label that whole messy stuff, bipolar at all. Imagine not even having a language/vocabulary to translate to my own mother fully what I am thinking /feeling or any of her children. And vice versa.

As mentioned probably in another thread months ago, I underwent counselling for 1 yr. when I was at university. There were alot of things going in life related to family, need for independence/autonomy.... It was highly beneficial to me. I so wished I could have been there for my sister to encourage her not to give up on counsellling or find a different therapist. (she saw psychiatrist, but gave up later) Participating in therapy takes personal time, effort and risking your heart to explore in ways and solutions a person didn't consider before.

[PamNY]

Shootingstar, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the pain.

As far as the children, I think they should be told. In many family situations, children figure out the truth, and the parents/adults are actually protecting themselves when they conceal things. In my life, I was harmed far more by ill-kept secrets than by facing difficult truths. Of course, there are familial and cultural differences which I can't know, and no one knows what is right for another family. But it's something to consider.

I hope your family finds peace and comfort in time.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

I add my wishes for you as well, I hope you find strength and peace somehow after your sister's passing. It's terribly hard, I know.

[NbyNW]

I ripped a lady a new one one time. She was gossiping about a mutual acquainted (not even friend) and how "omg... she's taking antidepressants can you imagine...?" I reamed her out for a) gossiping, and b) let her know that it's no different than taking a blood thinner and she ought to get educated about mental illness. I was pissed.

Good for you. I, too, hope the stigma of talking about these disorders will go away with time.

It's great that you are able to talk to your kids about this. I wish my parents had been able to talk to me about it. I think a lot of people genuinely struggle with the if/how/when.

[oz rider]

Sorry to hear this shootingstar. I'll think of you over the festive season, which is so difficult for so many, but especially when you've just moved.

[PamNY]

I ripped a lady a new one one time. She was gossiping about a mutual acquainted (not even friend) and how "omg... she's taking antidepressants can you imagine...?" I reamed her out for a) gossiping, and b) let her know that it's no different than taking a blood thinner and she ought to get educated about mental illness. I was pissed.

Good for you. I hope your message got through.

[Crankin]

Irulan, I wish more people would speak up like this!
Yes, yes, and yes, depression and other mental illnesses do have a genetic component and it would be irresponsible to think otherwise. It doesn't mean that you will have the problem, more like if there are certain stressors in your life, you are more apt to have a depressive type reaction. You can inoculate yourself against this with lots of things, but knowledge is the most important. It's no different than knowing that alcoholism runs in your family.
As far as telling teens the reason for someone's death in the case of suicide, they are quite capable of understanding this, as long as they have the support of the adults around them, i.e. the adults are willing to talk openly and freely about why someone would do this. Of course, I am a firm believer in being frank, open, and brutally honest about discussing difficult issues with kids in general. We don't give kids enough credit. Protecting kids from the "difficult" things in life doesn't do them any favors. They need the tools to be able to deal with things as they grow up, and being able to talk about all kinds of things with their parents, or other trusted adults really goes a long way.

[lph]

I agree whole-heartedly - let the kids know. Kids know suicide exists, and they most certainly know all about strong feelings, so I don't think they will have any trouble at all accepting that this was the cause of her death. Not telling them only perpetuates the myth that suicide is somehow shameful.

[sundial]

Shootingstar, I'm very sorry for the loss of your sister. :( :( :( What a terrible, tragic, untimely death for one so young and with so much life ahead of her. My thoughts are with you and your family.

[SheFly]

Shooting Star - I sit in tears reading your thread. My heart goes out to you, and I send you my condolences.

As you know, I lost my younger brother to suicide 1.5 years ago. The pain has not subsided, and I still miss him every day. We weren't necessarily close - he lived near Ottawa, and I live near Boston, but I still think of the good times we shared, and unfortunately, sometimes about the not so good.

I also survived the suicide of my best friend one week before graduating from high school - 23 years ago. I still ache with that loss as well.

Last year, I walked in memory of my brother, to help raise awareness around depression and suicide. Too much stigma in our society for a disease that can kill - just like cancer. I wrote about that here (http://twoadventures.blogspot.com/2010/06/overnight.html).

I am a person who is constantly busy - working, president of a 350 member bike club, and 30+ races per year. All of that business has sadly led me into my own despair this year - a delayed reaction to losing my brother. I am working the issues now, but know that you need to work through your grief, and most importantly, to take care of yourself.

The pain eases, and some days, even subsides. Losing a sibling is hard - losing a sibling to suicide is even harder.

I wish you fond memories. If ever you want to talk, you know how to find me.

SheFly

[shootingstar]

SheFly, somehow I knew our paths would cross again here. I share the depth of sadness with you.

Well true, busyiness are great distractions. But the right activity if done in judicious measure and if you love doing it, shouldn't stop you. Cycling should not be dismissed, but keeps you afloat health-wise. I know it does for me. Today I rode a slow 6 kms. to the grocery store so that I could avoid the ice.

She is the little girl, smaller than me in this black 'n white photo. Cuter than fat-headed me. She is looking directly at the photographer with a wistful expression on her child-face:

http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=29072

I seem to only sleep fully, half the nights so far in past 2 months. Since I am the eldest, whatever clothing I wore, she would be next in line to get the hand-me down. That is I guess, the closeness due to birth order, etc.

I lead a very simple life these days. Many trivialities fall by the wayside when something like this happens. I don't have a tv, I don't twitter/facebook..I don't have /want these distractions. I like to make each day count, each word I write, worthwhile.
I won't be blogging on stories related to my sister nor some sort memorial post. It's hard to contain the lifelong knowledge of a person into 1 pithy post/story. Instead maybe weave more personal /family details in general in some of the writings. I've already begun this in some of my recent posts across the 2 blogs.

That's great you did the walk, SheFly. I haven't thought that far. My sister's ashes were buried just last weekend.

[badger]

shootingstar, I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is painful enough but to lose one to suicide is just so tragic. Take care.

[Koronin]

(((HUGS))) I am so sorry for your loss. I almost lost one of my two sisters 2 years ago, although not to suicide. She has Crohn's disease which although she went to the emergency room was sent home and had to go to another hospital emergency room. It went undiagnosed for several months to the point where she was bed ridden for two months and almost dead when she went to the ER of the hospital that finally diagnosed her. This was less than 2 weeks after a different hospital sent her home telling her it was all in her head and there was nothing wrong with her. She is bi-polar and they didn't want to believe she had a real issue.

[SheFly]

Well true, busyiness are great distractions. But the right activity if done in judicious measure and if you love doing it, shouldn't stop you. Cycling should not be dismissed, but keeps you afloat health-wise. I know it does for me. Today I rode a slow 6 kms. to the grocery store so that I could avoid the ice.


Oh - trust me - riding my bike has been my savior more than once. The week after my brother's funeral, I rode more miles than I had all year, and even doubled up long rides and hard efforts. My point on the busy-ness was more that it was my way of avoiding having to deal with the emotions - it all just caught up with me this year, and has been quite difficult.


She is the little girl, smaller than me in this black 'n white photo. Cuter than fat-headed me. She is looking directly at the photographer with a wistful expression on her child-face:


I don't know about cuter ;). I have included two pictures of my brother and I - the first is from 1974, and the second from 1995.


I seem to only sleep fully, half the nights so far in past 2 months. Since I am the eldest, whatever clothing I wore, she would be next in line to get the hand-me down. That is I guess, the closeness due to birth order, etc.

I lead a very simple life these days. Many trivialities fall by the wayside when something like this happens. I don't have a tv, I don't twitter/facebook..I don't have /want these distractions. I like to make each day count, each word I write, worthwhile.
I won't be blogging on stories related to my sister nor some sort memorial post. It's hard to contain the lifelong knowledge of a person into 1 pithy post/story. Instead maybe weave more personal /family details in general in some of the writings. I've already begun this in some of my recent posts across the 2 blogs.

The sleep will come, eventually. I don't envy you being alone in a city that is not home. I know that even surrounded by friends, I have felt completely alone many times in the past 1.5 years. My best advice is to get yourself to a support group if you can find one in the area - talking to others who understand the pain of suicide will certainly help.

As for me, my writing has suffered. I have only written that one blog post about my brother since his death, and there will be no others. In fact, my blog has been stagnant most of the year - I simply haven't felt like writing anything, which for me, is not a good sign. You are right that taking the life of someone and attempting to put it into one blog post is impossible.


That's great you did the walk, SheFly. I haven't thought that far. My sister's ashes were buried just last weekend.

Thanks. But know that the walk was over a year AFTER I lost my brother. In time, you will be ready to deal with this in your own way.

I'm sorry that we have this in common, Shootingstar. But, I am here for you as you go through the healing process.

SheFly

[shootingstar]

Oh - trust me - riding my bike has been my savior more than once. The week after my brother's funeral, I rode more miles than I had all year, and even doubled up long rides and hard efforts. My point on the busy-ness was more that it was my way of avoiding having to deal with the emotions - it all just caught up with me this year, and has been quite difficult.

As for me, my writing has suffered. I have only written that one blog post about my brother since his death, and there will be no others. In fact, my blog has been stagnant most of the year - I simply haven't felt like writing anything, which for me, is not a good sign. You are right that taking the life of someone and attempting to put it into one blog post is impossible.

SheFly

Writing is at this time, abit therapeutic for me, since I indulge in subjects and good memories, experiences in general. I don't write on movie stars, news events, anyway. I seldom discuss home life in my blog posts, but instead if useful/worthwhile relate a personal memory or fragment of personal history that relates to the subject matter....whether it's food, farmers market, seeing certain art, etc. I don't view at this time, my blogs as journals simply because I find to do journal-writing on a public blog, the quality of my writing degrades: I become repetitive and careless in style and grammar. No effort to think through what I'm writing. Who wants to read that?

When I bike, I do think /remember certain things. That sort of stuff hasn't surfaced in blog posts yet unless again, it relates the main focus of the post article itself.

It may appear to others, that I seem to be in a denial at this time, to write on lighter subjects. But it is the open Internet, full of strangers, etc.

As I said, there are 2 children, her adult children, who surf the Internet. I have no interest in placing raw memories and discuss their mother in much detail at this time to the open Internet. If anything, they should have the cathartic "benefit" of being the ones to reveal to the rest of the world about their mother and more detailed memories of her first. They did start off with their euologies. In my heart, I know my sister knew her children did appreciate her when she was alive. If she only saw her own accomplishments properly...

Back to blog-writing, etc.: I suddenly realized even my happy photos and cycling trips with dearie ..is a snapshot captured in time..that things might/will be different 15-20-25 yrs. from now. We can only hope each of our health remains decent.
So if there's anyone here who has wanted to blog, but is procrastinating abit: do it. You will not regret it. It will become your personal legacy for loved ones.

I appreciate the virtual hugs which are shared with others here who have lost other loved ones.

[Roadtrip]

My mom (and sister) have fought battles with depression for some time. When I was little step-dad and mom would have a fight (he was an abusive alcoholic and would disappear for days, taking the only car we owned) over this or that and mom would get verbally and physically abused. She had threatened suicide on a number of occasions, even once trying to throw herself into traffic, but luckily we had lived on a small country road and the car stopped.

I was about eleven the night I entered her bedroom and found her with a shotgun and crying. She told me she was OK and just to go her her a washcloth to wipe her face, but something told me this time it felt different and don't leave that room so I refused to leave until I had the gun and took it away and hid it. Yes the gun was fully loaded and I'm very thankful to this day I was there, even tho the thought of an eleven year old child taking away a loaded gun from a suicidal mother is a horrible one, the thought of loosing my mom is even worse.

We finally left him and started a new life and mom is much better. Still has depression, but is on meds and is better able to cope, so things are much better. I can honestly say I never really deep down to the core hated anyone except that man. I don't know what was harder, the moment with my mom or when I was 18 and years after the separation, when mom wanted to ask for a divorce. She wanted to see if he would be agreeable without courts and costly lawyers, but the entire time I had a loaded 45 under my coat, tho nobody KNEW how much hatred I had in my heart for that man. I had visions of using that gun on him and how easily it would be to take his life, but either my better senses took over or fear, but after that I realized I had to let it go and stop living with all the hatred from the past. I had to MOVE on myself.

I am so sorry for your loss. If a loved one gets sick and we loose them, we can blame the cancer, doctors, or even God. When they take their own life the only one we can blame is them or ourselves for not doing something to prevent it.

Sending hugs your way,
Shannon

[nancielle]

I can't begin to imagine the pain that you feel. I do agree with the suggestion of seeking a support group to help you through this. I do volunteer with a suicide prevention group in my area. Here are some resources that might be of help:

http://www.suicide.org/suicide-survivors-forum.html
This is a closed group, available to members only. Info on how to join on page.

http://www.afsp.org
There is a a menu on the left hand side of the page. Click 'support groups'. When that page opens, there are options for online or finding a support group. Selecting 'finding a support group' has a button that says 'select state', if you click that the first choice available is International. There are a few possibilities in BC (I think that's where you're located) that might interest you.

My thoughts are with you.