emily_in_nc
10-19-2010, 06:15 PM
I would love to hear what others would do in this situation; I am really at a loss.
A former girlfriend of mine is in a career networking group with a couple of my former co-workers (male) who were laid off and are looking for work. I assume she is trying to re-enter the workforce as she quit to have kids many years ago and has been a SAH mom ever since.
This is a friend I met at work when she was single and I was a newlywed, back in the 1980s. We became close, I was in her wedding, but it was always just us doing "girl" things together once we no longer worked together: meeting for lunch, shopping, taking a ceramics class together, and very occasionally visiting at each other's homes. Both my DH and I really disliked her husband; he was overly controlling, OCD, borderline emotionally abusive to her and even to their two children, IMO. So we never did anything with them as a couple. My DH said that if I wanted to be friends with her, that was fine, but he had no intention of making nice with her DH, which I respected.
Fast forward a few years, to the early 90's, and we moved nearly an hour apart, she was now a SAH mom of two young children, became very active in La Leche league and her church. I, a non-churchgoer and in a childless marriage, struggled with infertility treatments (never did have children), and continued to work. I got into many different interests like cycling, hiking, travel, etc. My friend and I just, in my mind, grew apart; our lives and interests were totally different.
We still made some efforts to get together for lunch now and then, but they were frustrating because she usually had to bring at least one child along, and was perpetually late, while I was on a schedule since I had to get back to work. We couldn't have a decent phone conversation because she allowed her children to interrupt her numerous times while we were talking - this really bothered me. And she shared an email address with her DH at the time, so I wouldn't even email her b/c I didn't want him reading my notes.
So, I made a conscious decision to drop out of the friendship. I stopped returning her calls and emails (they weren't frequent anyway). I stopped sending Christmas cards. She kept trying, for years, literally. Just in the last couple of years she has finally stopped sending Christmas cards. Every time I would get one, I'd feel so guilty, wishing she'd just give up on me.
Back to the present. Somehow, she ended up in this networking group with my much more recent co-workers, and since she used to work at the same company we all work(ed) at, I guess she asked them about me, and told them we used to be really close, etc. She passed along her email address for one of them to give me (at least it's her OWN email address now). I have no idea if she's left her husband or if she just wants to get back to work now that her kids are older.
In any event, I am at a loss on what to do. I don't know if I want to contact her or not. Over the past several years, I have dreamed about her quite a few times, so I know there's obviously some guilt or unfinished business there on my end. We still don't live close together, and my life is very full. Although she's a sweet person that I used to care very much for, I am just not sure I want to open that door again. I know if I email her, she is very likely going to want to get together. She is a "friends for life" type of person.
If we lived across the country, I'd probably email her, knowing that it could just be a distant kind of relationship. I don't really have the time or energy for another "in person" friendship, but I feel like a mean and selfish person if I choose to "just say no", so that's my dilemma.
What would you do? :confused:
A former girlfriend of mine is in a career networking group with a couple of my former co-workers (male) who were laid off and are looking for work. I assume she is trying to re-enter the workforce as she quit to have kids many years ago and has been a SAH mom ever since.
This is a friend I met at work when she was single and I was a newlywed, back in the 1980s. We became close, I was in her wedding, but it was always just us doing "girl" things together once we no longer worked together: meeting for lunch, shopping, taking a ceramics class together, and very occasionally visiting at each other's homes. Both my DH and I really disliked her husband; he was overly controlling, OCD, borderline emotionally abusive to her and even to their two children, IMO. So we never did anything with them as a couple. My DH said that if I wanted to be friends with her, that was fine, but he had no intention of making nice with her DH, which I respected.
Fast forward a few years, to the early 90's, and we moved nearly an hour apart, she was now a SAH mom of two young children, became very active in La Leche league and her church. I, a non-churchgoer and in a childless marriage, struggled with infertility treatments (never did have children), and continued to work. I got into many different interests like cycling, hiking, travel, etc. My friend and I just, in my mind, grew apart; our lives and interests were totally different.
We still made some efforts to get together for lunch now and then, but they were frustrating because she usually had to bring at least one child along, and was perpetually late, while I was on a schedule since I had to get back to work. We couldn't have a decent phone conversation because she allowed her children to interrupt her numerous times while we were talking - this really bothered me. And she shared an email address with her DH at the time, so I wouldn't even email her b/c I didn't want him reading my notes.
So, I made a conscious decision to drop out of the friendship. I stopped returning her calls and emails (they weren't frequent anyway). I stopped sending Christmas cards. She kept trying, for years, literally. Just in the last couple of years she has finally stopped sending Christmas cards. Every time I would get one, I'd feel so guilty, wishing she'd just give up on me.
Back to the present. Somehow, she ended up in this networking group with my much more recent co-workers, and since she used to work at the same company we all work(ed) at, I guess she asked them about me, and told them we used to be really close, etc. She passed along her email address for one of them to give me (at least it's her OWN email address now). I have no idea if she's left her husband or if she just wants to get back to work now that her kids are older.
In any event, I am at a loss on what to do. I don't know if I want to contact her or not. Over the past several years, I have dreamed about her quite a few times, so I know there's obviously some guilt or unfinished business there on my end. We still don't live close together, and my life is very full. Although she's a sweet person that I used to care very much for, I am just not sure I want to open that door again. I know if I email her, she is very likely going to want to get together. She is a "friends for life" type of person.
If we lived across the country, I'd probably email her, knowing that it could just be a distant kind of relationship. I don't really have the time or energy for another "in person" friendship, but I feel like a mean and selfish person if I choose to "just say no", so that's my dilemma.
What would you do? :confused: