Broken heart

[artifactos]

My boyfriend broke up with me today.

I bought my road bike in September after watching him kick butt at the SavageMan Tri in Maryland. He took me on my first ride on it, as well as many many rides since then. He competed with me in my first (indoor) triathlon. We had a triathlon season all planned out for the summer. We went to spin classes together in the mornings and he was teaching me how to be a better swimmer.

So, at this point, it seems like it's going to be very difficult to separate my cycling and training in general from him and thoughts of him. I am very scared that this breakup is also going to cause me to break up with my bike. Has anyone else been through this? What can I do to help make a transition?

[shootingstar]

I'm sorry to hear this. It is painful when cycling is shared with an SO and cycling lives are intertwined.

First of all, try to design your training/regular ride routes to be different than the route what you and he rode often together. If possible.

First few rides will be difficult but choose non-rainy days initially or something to make ride better.

Make your ride(s) with a specific goal in mind..meaning stopping somewhere to get something or have a snack. (yes, I know you will be sitting alone. Then bring a book..)

Of course ride with a friend/group if possible.

Don't abandon your bike completely, but either shorten (and intensify) your bike rides or do completely different routes, etc. Above all, don't be so hard on yourself. Cycle where your heart takes you in the moment. Cycle in the moment, not in the past nor in the future.

[shootingstar]

Did I take my own advice? I tried to at the time:

During the first 3 yrs. of knowing dearie, he and I broke up twice. Then back together happily.

Then he and I lived apart in 2 separate cities for 2.5 yrs. due to company relocating him and me refusing to give up my job for temporary situation. This was not a break-up but still it was painful for me for lst few months when I went cycling daily with the knowledge he was not in the same city as I.

I tried all of those things I suggested. it helped ease the pain --well for me.

(But he is part of my life happily now so am not sure if this helps. :confused: We're together for non-cycling reasons...of course. But yes, he did reintroduce me to cycling...so long ago.)

[indysteel]

I went through something like that in 2006. I started riding because of my BF at the time who was a cyclist. Admittedly, it was tough to disassociate the two, and to be honest, I didn't really do a great job of it in that I continued to more or less ride with the same group of people--including him--that he introduced me to. In some ways, that worked for me because those people were and remain wonderful friends and cycling buddies. In other ways, it prevented me from moving on as quickly and cleanly as I might have otherwise. It was, at best, a calculated risk.

My advice in this: Regardless of whether you continue to ride, the breakup is going to hurt and you're likely going to be thinking of him regardless. Accept that. So, wouldn't you rather hurt while you otherwise did something that you enjoyed and was good for you? Find ways to ride that don't literally and figuratively cover the same ground that you covered with your BF. Identify different cycling goals, different routes, different people with whom to ride. In time, you will associate your bike less and less with him.

Ask yourself this: In a year's time (give or take), do you want to be the woman who found a way through her pain to continue to do something that she enjoyed and that was good for her body, mind and spirit or do you want to be someone who abandoned herself and one of her favorite hobbies because it otherwise hurt?

I don't put it in those terms to sound unkind. Trust me when I say that I've had heartbreak, too. It's awful, and I'm not trying to minimize it. But at the end of the day, how do you want to define yourself? By your breakups or by your own terms? If it's the latter, then you will find a way to continue to love your bike, cycling and competing in tris. It will not be easy, but it is doable. Plus, on the other side of the pain, is a renewed sense of your own power and strength.

I'm still friends with my ex. I'm also married now to someone else that I met through cycling. In between those relationships, I made good friends, traveled and found a person within myself that was far better for having continued to ride. It all worked out for the best.

Hugs and good luck.

[artifactos]

Thank you both. If the weather wasn't so nasty today, I'd ride down to my LBS and cry to the owner, since he has become a good friend.

I am unsure of continuing to associate with the new Tri club. The now-ex-bf was really looking forward to working with them, and since we never got started with it together I'm afraid of starting to ride with them and having him still be there. Should I look for a different group to train with? Just go to the events I know clash with his existing schedule? I'm terrified that he'd start dating someone new in the club somewhere down the line and having my heart broken even further.

[OakLeaf]

(((((artifactos)))))

I don't have any advice for you but just wanted to add my sympathy and support. Hang in there.

[Biciclista]

someone else just went through this recently.
She re-outfitted her bike to reflect her new feelings, and it really helped.

Honestly, if something happened to my DH right now, it would be hard for me to get back on the bike. But I would WANT to because it's a large part of my healthy life style choices.
Good luck.

[BikingNurse]

So sorry to hear. Just wanted you to really know you have our support when ever! it may be hard, but just get on and ride. Let your wheels take you to new routs maybe find a new bridge or tree to rest at.

[PamNY]

No advice, just hugs and support. I know you'll find a way to continue to enjoy biking.

[Bike Chick]

Same here. Break ups are tough and it hurts like heck when you are in the middle of it. Hang in there. Maybe the bike will keep you moving forward;)

[lph]

(((artifactos))) I know how you're feeling. You were given very good advice over here. I especially liked indysteels point that a break-up will hurt anyway, and you might as well be doing something you know is good for you at the same time. It may not be as therapeutic or soothing right now, but still riding is still going to be good for your body, and over time riding for yourself and your own reasons and your own goals will replace whatever goals you had together. If you don't, riding your bike will stay "his". For it to become "yours", you have to struggle through and accept the pain that comes with associating it with him for the time being.

Take care.

[ClockworkOrange]

Oh sweetie, massive hugs to you and lots of support.

There is a lot of good advice on here.

...............and remember http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y272/Missbe/tough.jpg....well, not too often. :rolleyes:

Hugs.

Clock

[Serotta Jim]

I have found the tri people in Cincinnati don't cross over a lot to the other races. If he is a tri guy you could shift over to Crits or TT and avoid him that way and still race.

If you want to ride with some other people you could check out Seven Hills - http://www.7hillsracing.com/ they seem like nice people.

Queen City Wheels also puts on the Ault Park Crits which are a lot of fun. http://www.qcw.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=17&Itemid=22

Or there is the Cleves Time Trials - http://www.qcw.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=7&Itemid=9

The east side has a lot of rides and groups that head out into Indian Hill & beyond - check out Cinci cycle clubs site for locations.

[artifactos]

Thank you all. Really. You ladies are great. I wish my real life friends were as supportive - none of my friends have called me. I called a few of them yesterday and left teary voicemails, and I have yet to get return calls or messages. It makes me sadder to know that I'm losing the one person I COULD rely on when I needed support.

Serotta_Jim.. I think I'm going to continue with the Tri club for now. The now-ex was fine training on his own last year, and I THINK I can hold my own with the club if I have new people to talk to who weren't aware of our relationship. It will absolutely break my heart, though, if I hear someone ask if he is single. Maybe it's not a good idea after all.

I want to do multisport (even though I still suck hard at swimming), so I am aiming for duathlons at the moment.

[channlluv]

Hugs to you, first of all. Breakups are almost always painful.

If it were me, and I weren't already attached to that tri club, I'd switch clubs. You're only setting yourself up for a painful encounter if you see him with someone else - you've already mentioned it twice here. I think making a clean break of it and finding your own new club would do you good.

Be strong, and do keep doing the things that build your confidence.

Roxy

[artifactos]

The problem with finding a new club is that this one is the only one within a reasonable driving distance for me. He could easily join the Dayton club, but he didn't "like" them. There's one further down into Cincinnati, but this is already a 35 minute drive for me, and going to Dayton or Cincinnati would nearly double that. I don't know how else to find a training partner, though.

[katherine]

It's a bit small minded, but wouldn't it be nice to continue all your hard work and look FABULOUS. And really isn't it likely that if anyone is being asked out it likely won't be your ex, but you! If my partner and I broke up, which I really hope doesn't happen, but if it did I would want two petty things to be hotter and faster than he is, hence I would keep riding.
Also petty, but I recommend shopping, new gear makes everything better!

[Miranda]

I had something similiar happen before in my start of cycling. I am so sorry for your heart. But, here is one thing for you to wrap your mind around as a positive if you can...

All things do happen for a reason, and even though your relationship with the bf did not work out... his passion for cycling was a vehicle for you to find your way to the bike... like a hidden gift... a positive outcome from a situation that went negative.

Even if you did change clubs, there will always be something that reminds you of him cycling related. For me, eventhough time has passed, I still see it everywhere to a certain degree.

These things will sting the scar on your heart. But, it doesn't have to break your soul & passion of riding. It's just part of the history... but not the end of the story.

(((hugs)))
Miranda

[ClockworkOrange]

It's a bit small minded, but wouldn't it be nice to continue all your hard work and look FABULOUS. And really isn't it likely that if anyone is being asked out it likely won't be your ex, but you! If my partner and I broke up, which I really hope doesn't happen, but if it did I would want two petty things to be hotter and faster than he is, hence I would keep riding.
Also petty, but I recommend shopping, new gear makes everything better!

Katherine, I love your suggestion and no, it is not small minded.

Again artifactos, big hugs to you this morning.

Clock

[artifactos]

Well, we talked (for hours) last night and it seems like we are tentatively working things out. I rode yesterday before going over for our talk, and had a great time on my own and held a faster pace than usual. I'm figuring myself out.

We're going on a ride (brick, actually.. I don't have a wetsuit, so I'll be doing a 5k while he swims a mile) on Saturday morning together, and I likely won't see him until then. Hopefully we both get some of our mental/emotional exhaustion out of our systems by then so we can have a really good time together. The ride is going to be in the same place he took me for my very first ride on my road bike. :)

[HermitGirl]

After riding for a few weeks you will begin to associate your bicyle with LIBERATION, and SELF DISCOVERY, and you will FIND JOY in the anticipation of WHO and WHAT is around the next metaphorical bend (I am telling this to myself as I write.). You (we) just have to get through these next couple of weeks. We can do this !!!! Not riding is not an option.

[HermitGirl]

I meant that regardless of being with or not with your boyfriend, your bicycle is now YOU and a part of you , and when you ride, try to associate riding with what you experience as your own, not an extention of him. Ride because You Are A Rider .

[katherine]

HermitGirl and Artifactos: How about new music on the ipod? I'm much more of a classic rock kind of girl, but some Beyoncé seems to be in order. :)

[artifactos]

I have some great get pumped-up songs on my iPod and I ride with the music on a little low with only one earphone in (and I only ride with music on the bike path.. which is why I've been riding the path so much lately!). I actually have a "Girl Power" playlist I listened to yesterday.. and while I skipped quite a few songs because the pace wasn't fast enough for me, I really enjoyed myself.

[HermitGirl]

HermitGirl and Artifactos: How about new music on the ipod? I'm much more of a classic rock kind of girl, but some Beyoncé seems to be in order. :)Yes, music on the ipod indeed. I'm an acoustic folk lover, more Indigo Girls & Dixie Chicks !

[katherine]

I'm an acoustic folk lover
Ani DiFranco (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVg7mtgEqGY) then! I can't tell you how many breakups Ani helped me through, and in fact I still listen to Not A Pretty Girl on really technical trails.

[indysteel]

Ani DiFranco (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVg7mtgEqGY) then! I can't tell you how many breakups Ani helped me through, and in fact I still listen to Not A Pretty Girl on really technical trails.

Good call! Her double live album is a favorite of mine. "Joyful Girl" is particularly fitting for this thread.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/anidifranco/joyfulgirl.html