Girls, I need your help! Emergency...

[celerystalksme]

Ok...for those of you that don't know, I'm a guy. Found this place as somewhere to find advice on bike and gear for short folk. Now...onto my problem...this might get long, its relationship stuff...

Alright...so, I was in Philly over the weekend. First time in Philly. And everywhere I go, they have Pennsylvania's own Yuengling beer. It reminded me of an ex because she wanted get that beer practically the entire time we dated. Anyway, I got back on Monday...and went into work on Tuesday. During the day, I decided to text message my ex who I haven't spoke to in a couple years...since we broke up. I send this:

"I was in Pennsylvania oer the weekend and saw Yuengling beer everywhere! That beer remind me of you. Anyway, hope you're well."

Now...here's the thing. I broke up with her. Worst mistake of my life. I loved so much...more than anyone ever. There were a lot of stupid factors that caused me to end our relationship which I won't go into right now for the sake of brevity. In anycase, I ended it...broker her heart, broke my own. Since the breakup, I have tried to reach out to her if for no other reason that to regain what was also the best friendship of my life. She has never responded before.

Yesterday...she responded. She sent a text back asking if I was at work. And then 10 minutes later, she called and left a voicemail. I missed both when they occurred as I was working and simply not expecting to hear back...

I listened to the message...she told me how she's been meaning to talk to me, about how she wanted to clear some things up about the end of our relationship...and she tells me she's getting married soon. Then...she said the following through lots of emotion and tears:

"i wish you well, i really do. i truly loved you. i cared so much about you. and i think you deserve the best. and i'm just sorry that i couldn't get a chance to say goodbye to you. i would just...i guess this is goodbye forever. but i truly did love you and care about you. and i still just wish...i hope you're happy. and i hope you find, and i know you will, find an amazing woman. and i know it will be different. and you'll be completely honest with her. and i will...just like she'll be honest with you. being two co dependents, we should have never dated. but it is what it is. and i'm happy for it. and you know...lets just take the lessons and learn from that. and i wish you seriously the best. *particulary strong emotion* i'm sorry i'm upset. anyway...i will...probably won't talk to you later. but please know that i still continually pray for you every night. and pray that you're doing well and happy. i'll quit taking up your time. i seriously wish you the best. alright...i wish you well."

By the end...I'm sobbing at work looking like a total retard...and excuse myself to my car. Because...see...here's the thing...I never stopped loving her. I should have NEVER ended our relationship. I was scared...and stupid...I was a coward.

I composed myself and went back into the office...and I decided to text her back: "I'm at work right now. I'm not sure if you'll pick up but I'd like to try to call you later."

She asks if I can call her tomorrow. I reply sure, anytime after 4pm...and I congratulate her and and tell her I'm happy that she's been blessed. She replies that tomorrow around 4pm is good.

Now what? I don't even know what to say. If she weren't engaged, I just let it all out and tell her I still love her and I how I can't imagine every being with anyone else. But she's engaged...yet it seems like there's some sort of emotion there still left for me...or am I wrong? Does it matter? Do I just graciously put my desires aside...wish her the best...and just try to move on? Do I tell her I still love her and that I should never have ended our relationship...and tell her the truth about my reasons for ending our realtionship?

And the other thing is...as coincidence would have it, I'll actually be heading right out her way after work because I have to go drop by the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society offices and then to a bar for a friends fundraiser...both are far from me but seconds from her. Do I ask her to meet me somewhere for a sec?

I want to be selfish...I want to see her again, even if it's for the last time just to see her again in person and say goodbye...and I also want to let her know how much I still love her and care for her, even it it means I make a total fool of myself.

Or do I just put it all aside and just talk on the phone...wish her the best...and move on...? I just don't know...I mean, I know what I want to do...but I don't know if that's the best thing to do. There's no instructions or manuals for stuff like this...

Anyway...any advice would be appreciated...thanks...

[roadie gal]

Move on, move on, move on. She's got a new life, so should you. That relationship is over. Don't make yourself and her miserable with "what ifs". Say goodbye if you have to then MOVE ON.

[Veronica]

It sounds like she has moved on. Let her move on. Don't hang more emotional baggage on her.

Veronica

[Biciclista]

yes. she has a chance to have a happy life with her new man. Tell her to keep in touch, and if anything ever happens down the road she can get back in touch with you.
But i think it's wrong to jeopardize her new marriage.
Good luck to you.
affairs of the heart are tough.

[Trek420]

That's a tough one. She's engaged, she's moving on. I'd wish her and her guy well, maybe send a card? It sounds like he's one lucky guy and has mended her broken heart.

I'd say learn from it and move on.

[shootingstar]

Just send her a pleasant card to wish her well. No need to see her. She really has moved on with already her gracious goodbye to you from her.

You have much to offer to someone else.

[PamNY]

Of course you should get together if you both want to. In your situation, I would want to and I would suggest it (responding graciously if she says "no" is important, though).

Her being engaged has nothing to do with it.

Pam

[Crankin]

This is really a tough one. I was in a similar situation many years ago. Right when we were close to reuniting, he got engaged to someone else (it was long distance at this point). I found out months later that she was pregnant.
My advice is to move on, no matter how difficult it is. I met my DH less than a year later and we have been married for almost 30 years.

[indysteel]

I agree with the others that you should move on. In fact, I would suggest that you send her a text cancelling your next conversation. Wish her well and leave it at that.

I think many of us have a certain somebody in our past that we will always wonder about, but IMO, our memories of that person and the relationship are often HIGHLY romanticized. If you and your ex scratch this itch, you could find out that the reality is vastly different and, in the process, tragically hurt yourselves and other people.

[KSH]

I agree with the others that you should move on. In fact, I would suggest that you send her a text cancelling your next conversation. Wish her well and leave it at that.

I think many of us have a certain somebody in our past that we will always wonder about, but IMO, our memories of that person and the relationship are often HIGHLY romanticized. If you and your ex scratch this itch, you could find out that the reality is vastly different and, in the process, tragically hurt yourselves and other people.

What she said x's two!

To the OP... I guess I'm wondering how old you are. In my early 20's... when something like this happened to me... I ran with it. Got swept up in love... and didn't really care about the consequences of how it would affect those around me.

Now, in my 30's... I wouldn't think of such a thing. Love DOES NOT conquer all. It's not a cure-all for any issues or troubles you may have. And I know... from past experiences... if I broke up with someone before... those reasons remain, even if it's years later. I just have forgotten that bad stuff as time has made my memory hazy.

The best thing you can do for her... is to let her go. Don't be nice. Don't give her a thread of hope. Don't talk to her and profess your love. MOVE ON. You screwed up in the past. Don't ruin her future because YOU made a mistake in the past.

The girl is ENGAGED. She fell in love with someone and they have decided to get married. Let her get married in peace without you hanging around going "but I love you!".

Obviously this girl can be dragged back into your tangeled web (based on the message she left you- and she was crying)... and if you give her one glimmer of hope, she will probably ruin what she has with her fiance.

Finally... even though you don't know the other guy... you need to be respectful. Just like no woman should chase after a taken man... no man should chase after a taken woman. You had your shot. It's over. Move on and find someone new.

[celerystalksme]

in response to a couple of the posts above and just a general response...

funny thing about this is...i was totally surprised to hear back from her. in the two years we've been apart, she has never responded to the once every 6 month 'hello, how are you' i've sent her. it was shocking.

when i first started to hear her message...i was surprised to hear her but emotionally even keeled. and when she said she was getting married, i felt a mix of happiness for her and a little sadness.

but i tell you what...i broke down like a baby when i heard her voice crack and when i heard her crying through the part of the message i posted. i did not expect that at all. i guess i assumed i was still hanging on a bit...but i thought i probably didn't even exist to her anymore. when i heard all the emotion...when i heard the things she said...and when i heard her halting sentences, where it seemed like she wanted to say something more or something different but didn't...hearing all of that, brought everything rushing back. all my regret...all of my love...everything i never got a chance to say...all came flooding back in a torrent.

someone mentioned that sometimes we romanticize our past relationships. and of course, this is often true...mostly true. i'm not sure that's the case with this particular relationship. she loved me so much and wanted to marry...i loved her so much and i wanted to marry her. was it perfect? of course not...but it was close. i didn't want it to end...but thought i had to end it. suffice it to say, i allowed some insecurities to get the better of me and allowed the opinions of others sway me.

my heart says to let her know all the reasons why our relationship ended...and let her know how much i still care for her. my head says i'm being stupid...and that even if she has something lingering for me, i should not indulge it and just let it die in both of us so she can move on.

i listened to my head when we broke up. and to this day, i wish i had listened to my heart. :(

i don't know...i don't know...

[Biciclista]

What she said x's two!

To the OP... I guess I'm wondering how old you are. In my early 20's... when something like this happened to me... I ran with it. Got swept up in love... and didn't really care about the consequences of how it would affect those around me.

Now, in my 30's... I wouldn't think of such a thing. Love DOES NOT conquer all. It's not a cure-all for any issues or troubles you may have. And I know... from past experiences... if I broke up with someone before... those reasons remain, even if it's years later. I just have forgotten that bad stuff as time has made my memory hazy.

The best thing you can do for her... is to let her go. Don't be nice. Don't give her a thread of hope. Don't talk to her and profess your love. MOVE ON. You screwed up in the past. Don't ruin her future because YOU made a mistake in the past.

The girl is ENGAGED. She fell in love with someone and they have decided to get married. Let her get married in peace without you hanging around going "but I love you!".

Obviously this girl can be dragged back into your tangeled web (based on the message she left you- and she was crying)... and if you give her one glimmer of hope, she will probably ruin what she has with her fiance.

Finally... even though you don't know the other guy... you need to be respectful. Just like no woman should chase after a taken man... no man should chase after a taken woman. You had your shot. It's over. Move on and find someone new.
+++ well said!

[celerystalksme]

What she said x's two!

To the OP... I guess I'm wondering how old you are. In my early 20's... when something like this happened to me... I ran with it. Got swept up in love... and didn't really care about the consequences of how it would affect those around me.

Now, in my 30's... I wouldn't think of such a thing. Love DOES NOT conquer all. It's not a cure-all for any issues or troubles you may have. And I know... from past experiences... if I broke up with someone before... those reasons remain, even if it's years later. I just have forgotten that bad stuff as time has made my memory hazy.

The best thing you can do for her... is to let her go. Don't be nice. Don't give her a thread of hope. Don't talk to her and profess your love. MOVE ON. You screwed up in the past. Don't ruin her future because YOU made a mistake in the past.

The girl is ENGAGED. She fell in love with someone and they have decided to get married. Let her get married in peace without you hanging around going "but I love you!".

Obviously this girl can be dragged back into your tangeled web (based on the message she left you- and she was crying)... and if you give her one glimmer of hope, she will probably ruin what she has with her fiance.

Finally... even though you don't know the other guy... you need to be respectful. Just like no woman should chase after a taken man... no man should chase after a taken woman. You had your shot. It's over. Move on and find someone new.


i'm 32...and i'm definitely not 'running with it'. i'm very much struggling with what to do. i'm very aware of how things could potentially affect many many people...my ex, her fiance, their friends and family...potentially. and me as well, though i'm less concerned about me getting hurt.

i guess though that i feel like i'm the one that's been given a thread of hope. and also...the reasons for the breakup were dumb, so dumb...and nothing to do with our actual relationship, or shouldn't have...

my stomach is a knot at work right now...

[Biciclista]

yeah, i'll bet. good luck with that.
you were given a lot of wise counsel here. Good luck, and keep us posted.

[ginny]

I fairly recently had my heart completely broken. My husband just decided he didn't want to be married anymore and wouldn't talk about it... I was devastated. Part of me still is. Though, I did move on. I'm happy now. Unfortunately, I speak with him from time to time - unfortunately in that it refractures my heart to speak with him. I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone. I probably won't ever love anyone with such reckless abandon again. I too wish him the best and only want him to be happy and successful in his life. I have thought to myself: what if he changes his mind as some point and decides he wants to get back together? My answer is a resounding no. I can't open myself up to that kind of hurt any time I hear his voice.

So, my advice from the 'other side', go ahead and call her. Apologize if you like. But be careful with her. She has made a great effort to move on and be happy. Don't wreck that for her. Even if everything could maybe... maybe be great again, respect her very difficult road she has walked in trying to put her life back together. Good luck with a tough situation.

[katluvr]

Just read all the posts.
No offense, but the responses are telling you "no" don't go there.
But you really wanted to hear "yes" (at least I get that by your 2 replies to the responses)--and that is not what you are hearing.
So you might have to go w/ your gut and what you want to do. Not that I would encourage it. But I am not sure you wanted advice as much as support to "go for it" and meet up and share your feelings.
So you have to make the decision--and whatever that is you cannot later go "would of, could of, should of". It is what it is.
Good luck to you and your ex--whatever you decide.

[GLC1968]

Let me offer a differing opinion. When I was due to marry my now husband, I had more than one conversation with past loves. It seemed like when I'd finally found the right guy and made my commitment, all the others came out of the woodwork with 'what could have beens'. I enjoyed all that communication and I enjoyed knowing the 'reasons' behind things. It all just served to confirm that I was making the right choice and it just futhered my commitment to my future husband.

While you sent her a text, she was the one to reach out to you. Honestly, if she is really as strongly committed in her new relationship as she should be at this early, ideal, romantic stage, then contact from an ex should have no bearing on her future.

I think you should go ahead and talk with her. I don't know that I'd go so far as seeing her just yet, but I think that a conversation is fine. Honestly, she deserves to know the truth. It may give her closure and allow her to feel even better about her new future. If it doesn't do that, honestly...then her new future is probably doomed anyway.

Just be prepared for the fact that you may bare your soul to her, she may cry a lot...but when it comes right down to it, she may very likely go ahead with her plans to marry this guy with all the love and commitment in her heart. Are you prepared for that rejection and to have those old wounds opened up? If not, then just say your goodbyes and move on now. Do not go into this meeting thinking that you are going to get her back and that all the angels will be singing of your love for each other. That may not be the case and you need to be prepared for that...

[celerystalksme]

Just read all the posts.
No offense, but the responses are telling you "no" don't go there.
But you really wanted to hear "yes" (at least I get that by your 2 replies to the responses)--and that is not what you are hearing.
So you might have to go w/ your gut and what you want to do. Not that I would encourage it. But I am not sure you wanted advice as much as support to "go for it" and meet up and share your feelings.
So you have to make the decision--and whatever that is you cannot later go "would of, could of, should of". It is what it is.
Good luck to you and your ex--whatever you decide.

oh yeah...i definitely wanted to hear 'yeah, let her know' type of response. not that it's the correct answer...and not that i would be 100% of my course of action if i got that sort of feedback. but at least i'd know i'm not totally retarded for wanting to say and do things that i should have done years back.

right now...i just feel retarded for wanting to...be selfish and just let it all out.

[smilingcat]

Hi celerystalksme,

take heart to what KSH had to say.

And remember too that our memory is very selective. Whether you like it not, you will forget the bad experience or events and only remember the good and enjoyable experience. Sure you'll still remember the bad, but time will temper it so it wont be so bad.

You decided with your head to end it. So use your head again and move on. Don't let your heart get in the way of her life and her fiance.

Let memories be memories. And you need to move on too. Find yourself new love.

-----

Well just saw your post. Okay so you made a dumb move. Don't make another really dumb move and break her engagement to the "man of her dreams". You don't need to put a wedge between her and her fiance. A question mark in their relationship.

You need to let go. and really mean LET GO!! You need to find yourself a new GF. Do something that will take your mind off of her.

[celerystalksme]

Let me offer a differing opinion. When I was due to marry my now husband, I had more than one conversation with past loves. It seemed like when I'd finally found the right guy and made my commitment, all the others came out of the woodwork with 'what could have beens'. I enjoyed all that communication and I enjoyed knowing the 'reasons' behind things. It all just served to confirm that I was making the right choice and it just futhered my commitment to my future husband.

While you sent her a text, she was the one to reach out to you. Honestly, if she is really as strongly committed in her new relationship as she should be at this early, ideal, romantic stage, then contact from an ex should have no bearing on her future.

I think you should go ahead and talk with her. I don't know that I'd go so far as seeing her just yet, but I think that a conversation is fine. Honestly, she deserves to know the truth. It may give her closure and allow her to feel even better about her new future. If it doesn't do that, honestly...then her new future is probably doomed anyway.

Just be prepared for the fact that you may bare your soul to her, she may cry a lot...but when it comes right down to it, she may very likely go ahead with her plans to marry this guy with all the love and commitment in her heart. Are you prepared for that rejection and to have those old wounds opened up? If not, then just say your goodbyes and move on now. Do not go into this meeting thinking that you are going to get her back and that all the angels will be singing of your love for each other. That may not be the case and you need to be prepared for that...

actually, i've played it out in my head a zillion times last night and in my dreams. to be honest, the only conclusion i can realistically envision is me baring my soul...her baring her soul...and her going forth in her new direction, with a man that to be honest probably deserves her more than myself. and then i just shrivel up and die in a hole.

and despite that, my desire is to lay it all out on the table...why things went the way they did, what i was thinking, why i made the decision that i did, the regret and sorrow i still hold, etc.

i do love her still. and yeah, maybe in some crazy dream world, we'd get back together live out our lives with each other. but really...maybe what i'd like is some closure as well, if nothing more.

i don't know. i guess...i mean, honestly...i mean, of course i'd like to be happy, and i feel like i gave up happiness when i ended our relationship...but i genuinely honestly don't care if i hurt as long as she's found peace. if we both say our peace and she chooses her new life, i'll experience heartbreak all over again...and that's ok! believe it not, there will be part of me overjoyed for her, that she's been able to find someone so special. but i definitely would prefer that we both said all we want to say. and i guess...i hope that's not really as selfish as it seems to me sometimes.

ugh...

[celerystalksme]

Hi celerystalksme,

take heart to what KSH had to say.

And remember too that our memory is very selective. Whether you like it not, you will forget the bad experience or events and only remember the good and enjoyable experience. Sure you'll still remember the bad, but time will temper it so it wont be so bad.

You decided with your head to end it. So use your head again and move on. Don't let your heart get in the way of her life and her fiance.

Let memories be memories. And you need to move on too. Find yourself new love.

-----

Well just saw your post. Okay so you made a dumb move. Don't make another really dumb move and break her engagement to the "man of her dreams". You don't need to put a wedge between her and her fiance. A question mark in their relationship.

You need to let go. and really mean LET GO!! You need to find yourself a new GF. Do something that will take your mind off of her.

phtt...if only it were so easy...

i've been in and out of a few relationships since. i've never had problems moving on from ended relationships before...because in the end, the relationships in the past really did have real problems. but this one...this girl...it had lasting power...and if i had gone with my heart, this one would have made it the distance.

[PamNY]

oh yeah...i definitely wanted to hear 'yeah, let her know' type of response. not that it's the correct answer...and not that i would be 100% of my course of action if i got that sort of feedback.

Your feelings are perfectly normal and understandable. I don't doubt you are a wonderful guy, but you probably don't have the power to destroy this woman's life and upcoming nuptials. Women no longer live that way (if they ever did).

If her commitment to her intended is so fragile that a chat with a former lover could disrupt the wedding plans, then that marriage shouldn't take place.

Just give the woman a call if you want, see where it leads, and don't make it into a Great Big Drama. Expressing and exploring the emotions involved will probably do both of you a world of good.

Pam

[celerystalksme]

Your feelings are perfectly normal and understandable. I don't doubt you are a wonderful guy, but you probably don't have the power to destroy this woman's life and upcoming nuptials. Women no longer live that way (if they ever did).

If her commitment to her intended is so fragile that a chat with a former lover could disrupt the wedding plans, then that marriage shouldn't take place.

Just give the woman a call if you want, see where it leads, and don't make it into a Great Big Drama. Expressing and exploring the emotions involved will probably do both of you a world of good.

Pam

it sounds so calm and sensible when you put it all the way you did! lol

i think it might turn into a drama fest though. i mean...she was crying in her voicemail to me. and i turned on the waterworks just listening to her crying. it's going to difficult...for my part, i just have so much regret and sorrow. for her...i don't know...maybe thinking back brings back how much she hurt at the time.

[indysteel]

In my experience, "closure" is usually overrated--at least the kind of closure that we think the other person in a relationship can provide. The only "closure" that has actually benefitted me is the kind I've provided myself. No one else can really help you accept the past and move on. That has to come from within. Even when I've gotten the answers I thought I needed, I learned that they didn't really ease my pain.

[GLC1968]

In my experience, "closure" is usually overrated--at least the kind of closure that we think the other person in a relationship can provide. The only "closure" that has actually benefitted me is the kind I've provided myself. No one else can really help you accept the past and move on. That has to come from within. Even when I've gotten the answers I thought I needed, I learned that they didn't really ease my pain.

Yeah, I hestitated to use the word 'closure' because of all the stereotypes surrounding it.

But honestly, getting it off your chest (and letting her get it off hers) can do a world of good. Even if it's messy at first.

Personally, I'm of the mind that holding back and keeping secrets is where relationship 'baggage' comes from. I don't have any. Of course, I also didn't marry for the first time until I was 35, so maybe that's not the right way of going about things. ;)

[indigoiis]

I know you say it's a long story, but why exactly did you break up? What were the circumstances surrounding that? I think it's VERY important to what you are about to do...

I am married to someone who waited me out through an extended breakup of my making - the reasons for the breakup were vague and "unclosed" and after two years neither one of us could stand it anymore and got back together. It was disruptive to several people. It was not pretty. But it was worth it. I thank my lucky stars every day that I went to meet up with him.

So yeah.
It can go either way... but think carefully about your motivation. What do you want? What happened during the breakup? What do you think she wants? If she wants something you don't, then I would close that door hard.

[Pedal Wench]

I'll be the opposition here. If her relationship is solid and exactly what she wants, she'll let you know. What if she's just settling? Life's too short to wonder "what if?" I say state your feelings - she can either politely thank you and move on, or decide to change her life - perhaps to make herself happier too. Follow your heart.

[indysteel]

Yeah, I hestitated to use the word 'closure' because of all the stereotypes surrounding it.

But honestly, getting it off your chest (and letting her get it off hers) can do a world of good. Even if it's messy at first.

Personally, I'm of the mind that holding back and keeping secrets is where relationship 'baggage' comes from. I don't have any. Of course, I also didn't marry for the first time until I was 35, so maybe that's not the right way of going about things. ;)

Well, I used the word closure because he did. It's normally a concept I try to avoid. My point, however, was to suggest that closure is different from acceptance and that it's acceptance, really, that allows us to move on. So, if talking to her will help the OP better accept something about this situation, then great. Otherwise, I think "getting closure" could just contribute to his grief.

Granted, I actually don't think he's looking for closure, as much as he's looking for an opening. And who knows, maybe they really are meant to be. But if he cares about her and cares about making sure the second time around is more successful, then he better be prepared for some fall out. At best, his ex is feeling VERY conflicted, so it likely won't be smooth sailing.

[celerystalksme]

I know you say it's a long story, but why exactly did you break up? What were the circumstances surrounding that? I think it's VERY important to what you are about to do...

I am married to someone who waited me out through an extended breakup of my making - the reasons for the breakup were vague and "unclosed" and after two years neither one of us could stand it anymore and got back together. It was disruptive to several people. It was not pretty. But it was worth it. I thank my lucky stars every day that I went to meet up with him.

So yeah.
It can go either way... but think carefully about your motivation. What do you want? What happened during the breakup? What do you think she wants? If she wants something you don't, then I would close that door hard.

I'd rather not say why I ended our relationship. I mean...she doesn't even know the real reason yet...and it's something I'm pretty ashamed of. If you're still curious, I'm more likely to spill the beans after whatever should happen later today.

What do I want? In my dream scenario...we'd get back together, I'd work to redeem myself in her eyes and in the eyes of her family and friends...and we'd live out our lives together.

What will most likely happen? I have no clue...but probably one of these...
1) I bare my soul...she bares hers...and she goes on with her life as planned without me as any part of her life whatsoever.
2) I bare my soul...she doesn't have anything to bare, and the voicemail was a momentary nothing...she internally thinks I'm pathetic...and she goes on her way.
3) I play it close to the vest...wish her the best...chit chat, maybe catch-up. I try to bury everything inside me for however long. And whatever she had for me left in her dies or was never really there to begin with. And she goes on her way.

What do I think she wants? I have ZERO clue. Why finally return one of my correspondences? Why finally the desire to lend clarity to our separation? What was the source of the emotion and tears? I don't know. Maybe nothing. Probably nothing. But maybe something...?

Hope is a terrible thing...

[GLC1968]

Well, I used the word closure because he did. It's normally a concept I try to avoid. My point, however, was to suggest that closure is different from acceptance and that it's acceptance, really, that allows us to move on. So, if talking to her will help the OP better accept something about this situation, then great. Otherwise, I think "getting closure" could just contribute to his grief.

Granted, I actually don't think he's looking for closure, as much as he's looking for an opening. And who knows, maybe they really are meant to be. But if he cares about her and cares about making sure the second time around is more successful, then he better be prepared for some fall out. At best, his ex is feeling VERY conflicted, so it likely won't be smooth sailing.


I agree 100%.

I'm also a romantic, so I can't help but hope that their love was destined to be and that figuring this out now instead of 20 years down the road is worth the bumpy road it could be creating. :) Yes, someone could get hurt, but you can't live your life trying to avoid getting hurt because then you miss out on all the BIG things. At least...in my humble opinion.

[ASammy1]

I don't have anything to add to what everyone has already said. I just wanted to wish you luck in whatever you decided to do. I'm a romantic at heart, so please keep us updated on what happens...

[Flybye]

I say that you will never know unless you find out. Endless wondering may kill you. Knowing might be painful, but it is a pain that has an end.
You have no idea if she is happily engaged until you meet with her fact to face. If she is happily engaged, she will let you know.
Follow your heart.

[indysteel]

Well, I'm a romantic, too, and if this were just a case of star-crossed lovers reuniting, I'd be the first to cheer. But I'm also aware that there's a third party--the ex's fiance--who likely wouldn't find any of this to be romantic. If the OP gets what he most wants, I hope the OP's ex handles her fiance's heart with as much care as possible.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Celerystalks-
Don't you have any friends, family, therapists, or other advisers to help you with your lost love issue? After all, none of us knows you or knows the whole situation. We can spout off all our massive collection of accumulated advice about relationships (and most of us women just LOVE to do that) but since we know little to nothing about the real people involved, it is all merely speculative.
Frankly, I simply can't imagine myself going to an online men's cycling forum to ask for romance advice, so my red flag goes up here. But my point is really that I think you could get much more relevant and helpful input from people who know you. I do sympathize with anyone going through love pains.

But I think there's a lot going on here that we don't know about.



.

[Selkie]

Celery

I don't feel that I'm qualified to give you advice on this situation, as matters of the heart are intensely personal.

"The Age of Innocence" is my favorite book and movie.... so..... ;) When I need a good cry, I re-read it.

Every relationship has the potential to make you a better partner, lover, and friend, if you learn from the experiences. One day when you least expect it, that right person will walk into your life and trust me, you'll know it in your bones.

[channlluv]

I don't have a whole lot to add and I agree with Bleeker - without knowing you and your ex and the whole story, anything you read here is speculation. The clues that are niggling at me are that you let some external entity talk you out of your relationship with her, and that you didn't have the cajones to tell her why you were breaking up with her. You dumped her with no explanation. Why should she take you back?

And something she said, that you're both co-dependents. Not to be judgmental, but if it wasn't a good idea for you two to be together before, what makes you think anything's changed? (And, sorry to be so personal, but if the issue is alcohol, you're spending a lot of time at bars...have you worked on your dependency issues? If not, you're nowhere near ready to move on with anyone, least of all her.)

If you talk with her today and she expresses a desire to see you, then go. If she doesn't, don't press her.

Unless her fiance is a real jerk, which you have no way of knowing unless she tells you so, let her go build her future with the man who picked up the pieces after you broke her heart.

Roxy

[Zen]

This is not an emergency.

[Crankin]

To him, it is.
I am sure many of us have had relationship crises that totally have taken over our lives. Even though men are portrayed as not having these feelings, in reality, this happens to everyone.
I think he is honestly seeking advice from women, who he views as open and accepting. Yes, as Lisa says, it would to get advice from those closer to him, but how many of us have come to TE to ask this type of personal question?
Celery, let us know what happens.

[Irulan]

Celerystalks-
Don't you have any friends, family, therapists, or other advisers to help you with your lost love issue? After all, none of us knows you or knows the whole situation. We can spout off all our massive collection of accumulated advice about relationships (and most of us women just LOVE to do that) but since we know little to nothing about the real people involved, it is all merely speculative.
Frankly, I simply can't imagine myself going to an online men's cycling forum to ask for romance advice, so my red flag goes up here. But my point is really that I think you could get much more relevant and helpful input from people who know you. I do sympathize with anyone going through love pains.

But I think there's a lot going on here that we don't know about.


.


Werd. I've never quite understood guys coming into women's boards (it happens elsewhere) and looking for relationship advice.

[Tuckervill]

I'm sure since this thread is now 3 pages, my opinion has already been said, but....I don't think she's moved on at ALL.

That doesn't mean she's yours to pursue. I think you should call her, not see her. Her fiancee would be upset, I think, if he knew about the tearful message. More upset if subsequently she had a visit from you.

But when you talk to her, you shouldn't offer yourself up or try to tempt her away. Just make sure you're honest about your feelings even if they're conflicted, but be clear you will not cross "that" line. Wish her the best, and THEN move on.

I have to tell you, that when I got engaged about this time 20 years ago, my old boyfriends started coming OUT of the woodwork! I got a call almost every night, and NONE of them were in a position to know that I had become engaged. It was weird.

Good luck.
Karen

[Tuckervill]

GLC said:

It seemed like when I'd finally found the right guy and made my commitment, all the others came out of the woodwork with 'what could have beens'. I enjoyed all that communication and I enjoyed knowing the 'reasons' behind things. It all just served to confirm that I was making the right choice and it just futhered my commitment to my future husband.


How weird...that is the same thing that happened to me, with the same result. :) It was so wonderful to be completely sure of what I wanted.

Karen

[GLC1968]

To him, it is.
I am sure many of us have had relationship crises that totally have taken over our lives. Even though men are portrayed as not having these feelings, in reality, this happens to everyone.
I think he is honestly seeking advice from women, who he views as open and accepting. Yes, as Lisa says, it would to get advice from those closer to him, but how many of us have come to TE to ask this type of personal question?
Celery, let us know what happens.

Yes, Celery, please do.

That's the rule, you know. In exchange for advice, you have to let us know what happened! ;)

[GLC1968]

GLC said:


How weird...that is the same thing that happened to me, with the same result. :) It was so wonderful to be completely sure of what I wanted.

Karen

That is weird. And I also got engaged about this time (June 22nd, actually) but 7 years ago. How do the ex's know? Spooky! :)

[Miranda]

OK, I just sat here and read this whole thread. My opinion of what I was going to answer is unchanged.

Straight up...

You tell her.

Pour your gutts out from the heart with everything you have told us right here. If your soul says cry. Do it. Hold nothing back. *Including* what your "head" logically tells you to do also as you have posted.

No regrets, my friend.

Why?

Story for you...

Btw, I hate these kinda stupid chain emails you get from friends to forward etc. This latest one I played along and answered. It was a "get to know your friends better game". Fill in the blank, forward your answers, next buddy reads, adds their own, repeat.

Here was a striking question: "What are you most afraid of?"
My reply: "Dieing with regret".

As part of my professional background in healthcare, I literally DID watch people die with regret. It's difficult to even find words to describe the depth of that experience.

If she doesn't want to see you, hear it, etc. That is it. You tried. If so, you do what I said earlier.

If she is meant to truly marry this man she is engaged to... what you have to say will not change that.

The outcome is unforeseen.

Lastly...
FWIW, when I personally was in this same situation, a wise friend said "to chance is to live". With that, I bared my soul. It did not change the outcome. But I will not die with regret and eternally wonder "what if"... so, regardless of outcome, I'm at peace.

Good Luck!
Miranda

[martinkap]

OK, I just sat here and read this whole thread. My opinion of what I was going to answer is unchanged.

Straight up...

You tell her.

Pour your gutts out from the heart with everything you have told us right here. If your soul says cry. Do it. Hold nothing back. *Including* what your "head" logically tells you to do also as you have posted.
Miranda

Absolutely the best advice! I cannot agree more. Live the fullest, don't take excuses, don't hold back. Do it. At least you will know for once and all!

Martina

[ridebikeme]

I have to be honest and say that I think we have beat this issue dead! It does NOT mean that I don't understand the feelings of Celery . I do think that we all want to offer suggestions and encouragement, but the reality of the situation is that we don't don't know the entire situation and we also don't know Celery.( and he doesn't know us either)

I am trying very hard not to be judgemental, but I too, think it's strange for a man to go on a womans forum and ask for personal advice/suggestions. Those things normally are reserved for family, friends, coworkers etc...There are times that we all need a shoulder to lean on, someone to talk with, but this forum is NOT set up for those issues.

Celery, I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do, but can we please leave all of this with you and the people that are the closest to you?

[Mr. Bloom]

Buddy...you've heard a very clear pattern here...the only difference is my response is coming from a man. You are fine tuning all the good advice with "well but....s" because it's not what you want to hear...and frankly, I'm a bit suspicious of the whole post.

But, if you're being true and sincere with the seeking of advice, here's what I have to say:



1) Fact is that it seems like you messed up two years ago...she's moved on, you haven't.

2) You were selfish then and you're being selfish to interject yourself back into her life.

Move on and leave her alone...you had your chance and blew it...and please spare us the chance of "spilling the beans"

[celerystalksme]

well, it's done...

first off, i guess i should apologize to some TE members. it seems i've ruffled a few feathers by asking for personal advice. i do understand. it is odd asking complete strangers for advice. however, i actually like advice from complete strangers because there's a chance that it's more objective. i did ask some friends what i should do...however, i don't have many female friends, most of my friends are male...and they offered some stereotypical male advice..ie "dude, f her...you don't need her...get over it, it's been years...lets to get you laid". and there's some validity to what they say...and they mean well, they just want me to find happiness. the only family i have is my mom...and she thought this particular ex was no good for me anyway...however, i think she was wrong about that...so her opinion is HIGHLY subjective.

anyway...that's the story of me reaching out to the gals of TE for relatively objective advice.

as to what happened...

i really had no plan when i called her...i still hadn't decided what to do. i just figured i'd play it by ear. so i called her. and it was so wonderful to even just hear her voice. and actually, we just chit chatted for bit. eventually...we started to talk about all the things that went wrong between us, why things went the way they did. it was difficult. there were lots of tears...lots of crying for both of us. she told her perspective and perception of what happened...which all came as a shock to me. towards the end, i guess she was so very unhappy being with me...and that came as a surprise, actually. not totally...i mean, i actually tried to create a bad atmosphere between us so that it wouldn't seem like our breakup come totally out of the blue when i end our relationship. but still...i didn't know she was unhappy with us. and she said she thought i just didn't care about her. and i let her know the truth about why i ended it. and that i loved her the entire time...it never waned. i told her how much i cared for her...and how much i still care for...i apologized for everything. i expressed my opinion that i had made a terrible mistake...and i told her all my regrets. and she expressed how she wishes things could have turned out differently. there were a lot of things said...and it all seems like a blur. we talked for about an hour and a half...until she had to go before her fiancee got home.

she said she really wished we could keep in touch...but i finished her sentence by saying it wouldn't be fair or right with regard to her fiancee. and she agreed. and we both said this will most likely be the last time we ever speak or correspond. and we both cried...or cried more, as we were both in tears for most of the hour and half we talked. she told me she still thinks about me every day, every single day. she told me that i'll always have place in her heart. i told her the same.

in the end...i never told her i still love her, even though i do. i never asked for another chance. i never asked for her back. i never asked her to meet me even though i was seconds away from her (she had no idea i was literally seconds away to attend a friends fundraiser). earlier in the conversation, she told me a tiny bit about her fiancee. and...maybe she is conflicted...i'm pretty certain she's conflicted...but i could tell her fiancee is someone that can make her happy. and i'm sure he is more deserving of shawna than i am.

i'm actually sobbing right now as i type this. yeah...i'm pretty pathetic...

i wish i could have another chance...i wish i could have asked her for another chance. but in the moment...it just didn't seem right. we indulged in some reflection...clarified some of what happened...expressed our mutual continued caring for one another...wished each other the best. and i expressed how happy i was for her to have found someone deserving of her love.

i'm still not over her. and it was bizarre...i'm not certain she's over me. it broke my heart to hear her tell me how much she still cares for me...and how she thinks about me every day...and to hear her crying. it broke my heart beause by that time in the conversation, i'd already made up my mind that the best thing for us would for me to avoid trying to break up her and her fiancee.

it's been about 5-6 hours since we talked. i feel heartbroken...but i think i sense some peace as well. despite her conflictedness, i heard enough to know that her fiancee can make her happy. he's not a bad guy...he's a good guy. and that is a relief to me. because she deserves happiness. besides, i don't deserve her. i'm an idiot.

anyway...that's that. now i have to figure out how to really get over her. wish me luck with that...that's where i'll really need your well wishes! :(

[shootingstar]

You need to go for a loooong bike ride.

[celerystalksme]

You need to go for a loooong bike ride.

i'm a little buzzed right now...it's helping a little...

[Biciclista]

yeah, booze. that will help.
32... the new 22

[Zen]

I'm being awfully nice this evening.:rolleyes:

[celerystalksme]

yeah, booze. that will help.
32... the new 22

i was being facetious. i had one beer at a friends fund raising event before i came home.

[celerystalksme]

I'm being awfully nice this evening.:rolleyes:

you know, you don't have to make snide comments. you don't give a ****...and i understand that...why would you give a ****? i'm no one to you. and yes, i understand you believe none of his is very urgent or important. but it is to me...and i'm doing the best i can...i sought the advice of friends, my mom, and TE...i spoke with my ex...did what i did, said what i said. there's not friggin manual for stuff like this...i didn't know what to do or say...i didn't realized it would be such a faux pas to seek advice of strangers.

if it annoyes you so much, go read threads that actually interest you...instead of making someone that feels like crap feel even worse. that's just mean spirited.

[Miranda]

You need to go for a loooong bike ride.

+1

shootingstar... all I can say to that is: you rock:D.

Seriously...that's one of the benefits I enjoy from pedaling: helps to work stuff out in your head and heart. Just stay alert of traffic while doing it:cool:.

OK, Celery...

I for one, am glad the two of you talked. It sounds like she had some "working of things out" to do in her own head. Otherwise, she would have never texted you back, talked on the phone, etc.

I personally find those kind of encounters cleansing.

On the being heart-broken pain... well, here is the thing about that... goes with what my wise friend said on "to live is to chance"...

If we did not have pain in our life / bodies etc., as a reference point, how would we know the difference of what "good" things felt like?

With my pedaling, I like music. It cleanses my soul as well. Be it in spin class, or the right ear bud only on my iPod outside riding. Here's a song for you, man...

"Maybe We Are Not Meant To Be" by Theory Of A Deadman.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_knXdRfXd4

Btw, I don't watch/care for music vids; You-Tube is just a way to get the actual tune etc.

Best Wishes,
Miranda

[lph]

Oh my. There is so much I could write on this, but I'll stick to this: don't mistake fond memories, longing, loneliness, infatuation or desire with love. Been there, done that.

Love is something that grows and is nurtured every day you spend with a person, it's shared history, empathy and a continuous commitment. In my opinion you don't know that you still love her. You know that you once loved her, you split up badly and regret that, and you think you could love her again given that the chance was there. It's not. She has a fiance.

And forget the one-true-love stuff. The love of your life is the one you choose to commit to, and who will and can commit equally to you.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I truly wish you the best! I'm a romantic at heart too, but I'm happily "married" going on 16 years now for much more important reasons than romance.

[indysteel]

Oh my. There is so much I could write on this, but I'll stick to this: don't mistake fond memories, longing, loneliness, infatuation or desire with love. Been there, done that.

Love is something that grows and is nurtured every day you spend with a person, it's shared history, empathy and a continuous commitment. In my opinion you don't know that you still love her. You know that you once loved her, you split up badly and regret that, and you think you could love her again given that the chance was there. It's not. She has a fiance.

And forget the one-true-love stuff. The love of your life is the one you choose to commit to, and who will and can commit equally to you.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I truly wish you the best! I'm a romantic at heart too, but I'm happily "married" going on 16 years now for much more important reasons than romance.

Well put, lph. As someone who finally met someone I'm ready to commit to for what I hope is the rest of my life, I can finally appreciate the difference between what I have with him and what I had (or didn't have) with the also-rans.

Celery, I do really hope that you find some peace with this. Nurse your wounds for a while, but at some point decide that it's time to move forward, hopefully in anticipation of the very real possibility that there is a relationship in your future that will exceed whatever you had, or think you had, with Shawna.

And if she really is conflicted and decides to break off her engagement, my best advice is to let her sort out all of those feelings and clean up the inevitable mess BEFORE getting involved with her again. Let her get right with herself first.

[redrhodie]

Every day will get a teeny smidge of a bit better, until one day you realize an hour went by without thinking of her. Trust me, there will be another great girl when you least expect her. Until then, go have fun. It will get easier.

[Tri Girl]

I've been reading, but haven't commented until now. I wanted to wait and see what you decided to do. I just knew you'd talk to her and tell her all you needed to- you had to do it. I'm glad you got it all off your chest. It can be cathartic to unload what's been bothering you, and since she expressed some of the same feelings; perhaps you can both put the past away and move onward with your lives.
I don't think you're pathetic for crying/having emotions. I think you're a human who loved and was heartbroken. I feel your pain.

Just when you think you may never love again, you may find the woman you want to be with forever. I'd been through a bunch of crazy/crappy relationships and swore off men for a year to clear my head and be alone. A couple months later I met my DH and we've been together almost 14 years.

There's someone out there for you, but until you find her, let S go and love yourself. Hugs!

And there's nothing wrong with having a drink to cool the nerves. There were MANY days this last school year that I'd come home, have a glass of wine and relax from an extremely stressful day (just so long as I don't do it every day). Bike rides are good, too, but sometimes I'm too wound up to ride my bike and have the attention/focus that I need to on my bike. :)

[celerystalksme]

Yesterday, she told me that ever since Michael Jackson passed, she keeps seeing the music video for "You Are Not Alone"...and she thinks of me and cries every time she see's it. She's been telling her fiance that she's just having a female moment...and he doesn't question it. lol Other funny thing is...neither of us are really Michael Jackson fans. Anyway, I just watched the video on youtube as I'm not familiar with the song...

*************************
Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone

Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
Then forever can begin

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
For you are not alone

Whisper three words and I'll come runnin'
And girl you know that I'll be there
I'll be there

You are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone...
*************************

God, this is hard. I've never been in this place or state over other girls I've dumped or been dumped by. This one's been beyond hard. I just wish she wasn't engaged...

[mayanorange]

Celery,

I just read through this all. Being the hopeless romantic I am, I've been there a few too many times. It's nice you had a chance to apologize and resolve some feelings for both of you. You will move on. Eventually. Will you stop holding a place for her in your heart? No. Will the regret go away? Maybe not, but it gets better with time. As my mom told me, it's amazing our capacity for love- it can always grow to include new people. I think we love different people in different ways, as much as I used to be a 'true love' disciple. The person you end up with depends on willingness to commit to act lovingly to them forever. That could be a different person at a different time in your life if you and she were both ready then. But you weren't. And that's okay. You will find someone's who's ready with you and be a stronger partner to her from this experience.

MO

[KSH]

actually, i've played it out in my head a zillion times last night and in my dreams. to be honest, the only conclusion i can realistically envision is me baring my soul...her baring her soul...and her going forth in her new direction, with a man that to be honest probably deserves her more than myself. and then i just shrivel up and die in a hole.

and despite that, my desire is to lay it all out on the table...why things went the way they did, what i was thinking, why i made the decision that i did, the regret and sorrow i still hold, etc.

i do love her still. and yeah, maybe in some crazy dream world, we'd get back together live out our lives with each other. but really...maybe what i'd like is some closure as well, if nothing more.

i don't know. i guess...i mean, honestly...i mean, of course i'd like to be happy, and i feel like i gave up happiness when i ended our relationship...but i genuinely honestly don't care if i hurt as long as she's found peace. if we both say our peace and she chooses her new life, i'll experience heartbreak all over again...and that's ok! believe it not, there will be part of me overjoyed for her, that she's been able to find someone so special. but i definitely would prefer that we both said all we want to say. and i guess...i hope that's not really as selfish as it seems to me sometimes.

ugh...

You know what else I learned over the years? I learned that there are a lot of people in this world who can make me happy.

Yes each person is special and unique... but someone else can also be wonderful and give you the same joy, although be it in a different way, that someone else once did.

When you open yourself up to understanding and loving someone else, you will see that... even though she was great... someone else can be just as great... and sometimes better.

I have dated a lot of men (not slept with all of them ladies)... I have been married... and am currently in a 5 year relationship (boyfriend). While I have loved many people... and they were all generally different... other than the @ssholes I have found joy and happiness with ALL of them.

Move on. You WILL find someone else just as wonderful.

[celerystalksme]

Dude, you really need quit talking to everyone you know plus anonymous strangers on the internet, and get some professional counseling to help you over this.

geez, it's not like i'm suicidal...

it's been 2 years, maybe a tiny bit less...i've dated several girls, i've been on and off the market since...and yeah, so far, epic fail. i feel like i let the best one get away. i regret it. i wish i could have another shot. and it TOTALLY threw me for a loop when she left that tearful voicemail. that's what has me all messed up. until that voicemail i got the other day...i would have told you i was almost over her. i'd still think about her when i saw or heard something that would trigger a memory...but the urge to contact her was very very rare, maybe once every six months or less...

funny thing is...this girl was supposed to be the rebound girl of a different girl that broke my heart. turns out the rebound girl was so much more than the girl before her. and what do i do? i break her heart. (and mine.)

i'm so dumb...maybe i'm just bad at relationships...

[indysteel]

Priceless.

Have we been had or something? Google isn't turning up anything red-flaggish for me. Is this guy just a troll? Or worse?

[celerystalksme]

Have we been had or something? Google isn't turning up anything red-flaggish for me. Is this guy just a troll? Or worse?

i just googled my own name. so you guys are gonna make judgements about me based on posts i made on some other relationship forums three years ago about a different girl that i later found out ended up cheating on me?

have fun with that.

[teigyr]

Have we been had or something? Google isn't turning up anything red-flaggish for me. Is this guy just a troll? Or worse?

I'd say not a troll but this is an ongoing pattern. On *many* different forums. Depends on how deep you dig.

[mayanorange]

Have we been had or something? Google isn't turning up anything red-flaggish for me. Is this guy just a troll? Or worse?

+1 Yeah, so he's on some dating sites...

[celerystalksme]

No, but you obviously have boundary issues and that's a great place to start with counseling.

boundary issues! what is that? what does that mean? when i was speaking to my ex yesterday she mentioned that she had boundary issues. she confessed to looking for my profile on dating site just to see if i was single or not. is that a boundary issue for her? and what's the boundary issue for me? is posting person questions on the internet? is it something else? and is it...bad?

i couldn't afford a therapist! i'm going to have to use some psychiatric version of webmd or something!

[celerystalksme]

+1 Yeah, so he's on some dating sites...

of course i am! i'm single...i'm trying to meet people. i THOUGHT i was either over or nearly over my ex until she leaves the tearful message on my voicemail the other day...and then i felt like i was back at square one.

[mayanorange]

of course i am! i'm single...i'm trying to meet people. i THOUGHT i was either over or nearly over my ex until she leaves the tearful message on my voicemail the other day...and then i felt like i was back at square one.

I meant that as a 'who cares' btw.

There's plenty of personal threads started by people here on TE, and certain ones devolve into beating down the OP. Not always sure why. I'm outta this one.

[Irulan]

Like I said. :rolleyes:

a men's forum would say

"get drunk, get laid, get over it'

Anyone been for a ride lately?

[GLC1968]

Wow, I come back to get an update and I see what this thread had devolved into...not pretty.

So what if this person has a habit of asking for advice on the internet? Plenty of people do because it is anonymous. I don't see that there is anything wrong with that. It's better than dumping your problems on a bartender!

Celery - I'm sorry that you are in pain, but as my mother always (annoyingly) says "this too shall pass". She's usually right, too. ;)

FWIW, I think you did the right thing.

[celerystalksme]

well, whatever...what's done is done. i thank those with honest advice, whether it was harsh or not. and i'm sorry to everyone i upset in some way with this thread.

surprisingly, the attacks on my character or sincerity from some of you have sobered me up quite a bit. instead of moping, i'm in WTF defensive mode! lol

i'm sure everything will be fine. time heals these wounds. this one might just take a minute or two longer.

celery, out!

[Selkie]

Wow, I come back to get an update and I see what this thread had devolved into...not pretty.

So what if this person has a habit of asking for advice on the internet? Plenty of people do because it is anonymous. I don't see that there is anything wrong with that. It's better than dumping your problems on a bartender!

Celery - I'm sorry that you are in pain, but as my mother always (annoyingly) says "this too shall pass". She's usually right, too. ;)

FWIW, I think you did the right thing.

I agree.

I don't understand why anyone would "research" Celery to find out if he's a troll. Hasn't he contributed to this forum in a non-threatening way? Is he sending anyone creepy PMs?

I'm not sure why this has turned ugly. If you don't want to contribute in a kind way, just don't post for Chrissake. Put the thread on ignore.

[Selkie]

As I said, has the OP sent creepy PMs? Has anyone reported the OP to the admins for harassing anyone here? Nothing he said sounds as if he's hunting for a new girlfriend here. This wasn't his first post on this forum.

How do you know it's the "ugly truth" Zen? Have you been trained in discourse analysis? I have taken a course on it, by the way.

As I said before, if you cannot be kind, put the thread on ignore.

[deedolce]

I've just read through the thread, and I have to say, the spin down has been pretty ugly~ and the OP isn't the one that looks bad!

I'm glad your ex knows the truth, that you did love her. That alone can be healing, since from her perspective, that may not have been the case, from what I could gather from your post. I think it's a great gift for you to give to her!

I'm in the belief that only truth can start a true healing process, otherwise things fester, and don't let you move on. I should know! :o

You also sound like the kind of guy that has learned from his past relationships~ which bodes well for future ones! Good luck.

_________________________
True, I know nothing of other forums, but I know we've had some of us also start threads of a personal nature, in the non-cycling thread, and it wasn't a problem, and the viewpoint of women here were great! Supportive, reasonable, well-thought out, and it made me think, 'man, when I have an issue, I'm going to ask here! These women are so cool, and wise to boot!' ... now I guess not.

[GLC1968]

Remember when he continued to "spare us the details?" the details are rather um, not what you and I really want to know about a stranger that posts on an internet forum.

This is a bike forum.

But he did spare us the details. If you choose to dig for them elsewhere, that has no bearing on his behaviour here, does it?

And while yes, this is a bike forum, we still talk about non-bike stuff...particularly in the 'open topic (non-cycling) forum'. His questions have as much right to be here as the thread about gardening.

If he'd been a woman asking the same questions, would anyone have questioned it?

[snapdragen]

Everyone needs to back off and stop with the snotty comments. If I have deleted each post I feel is inappropriate. I don't want to hear "but it's a man on our boards", we've been through that enough.

If you don't like the thread, get out of it, ignore it and move on. NOW.

[Crankin]

Thank you, Snap. I may have just come home from dinner where I had a wee bit too much wine, but, ladies, get over it. This is open topic, non-cycling related. Celery has been on this forum for awhile. Nothing he said makes me think he is a troll or even weird for asking his questions here. And I am generally a good judge of these things.
It makes me sad that some of us are suspicious because he is a man. I know I am lucky that I have an awesome husband of almost 30 years, but, I really feel that you cannot make generalizations about "men" any more than you can about any other group. I still believe he really just wanted our feedback.

[VeloVT]

As far as I can tell, the boys here (Mr. Silver, Boy in a Kilt, Mr. SR500, Pscyclepath, etc) are good peeps.

I also don't see what the big deal about this post is. I agree that if a woman had posted it, no one would have thought twice about it.

[indysteel]

As far as I can tell, the boys here (Mr. Silver, Boy in a Kilt, Mr. SR500, Pscyclepath, etc) are good peeps.

I also don't see what the big deal about this post is. I agree that if a woman had posted it, no one would have thought twice about it.


I want to state for the record that I have no issue with the men on this forum. I also don't take issue with the personal nature of Celery's question. I wouldn't have repeatedly responded to it if I did. Granted, I may have disagreed with him, but that's okay I presume.

I will admit that the reference to Google caught my attention and I was puzzled when my own search didn't turn up much of anything. We do get the ocassional troll here, however, so I thought it was possible that something funny was going on.

Beyond that, I'm sorry that the thread devolved as it did. Every now and again, I get the impression that we--myself included--are taking things on TE a wee bit too seriously. Without saying anybody was wrong here, it might be in our collective best interest--and I again include myself in this--to just lighten up a bit. I'm sorry if that suggestion offends anyone. It's sincerely meant to be constructive.

[Irulan]

I will apologize for being overly snarky, but I am very uncomfortable with the whole personal sharing thing from a guy. To me, it's out the boundaries of what I come here for.

[Tuckervill]

Yesterday, she told me that ever since Michael Jackson passed, she keeps seeing the music video for "You Are Not Alone"...and she thinks of me and cries every time she see's it. She's been telling her fiance that she's just having a female moment...and he doesn't question it. lol Other funny thing is...neither of us are really Michael Jackson fans. Anyway, I just watched the video on youtube as I'm not familiar with the song...

RED FLAG! RED FLAG! RED FLAG!

You need to get AWAY from her as fast as possible, try not to be the "one" she screws over her fiancee with. No matter what's going on with her feelings, she is UNAVAILABLE. You need to face that fact, and commit to not speaking with her at all forever if that's what it takes.

Her behavior is reprehensible and her fiancee would be alarmed if he knew this. That is the test of whether her behavior is acceptable. If she wouldn't tell him the truth about her emotional outbursts, she is hiding things from him, and that is no way to begin a marriage. That means she is not committed--but that doesn't matter to YOU.

Put yourself in his shoes. Do not talk to her again, no matter how tempting and soothing it is to your feelings.

Also in the BTDT camp,

Karen

[CyclChyk]

Boy I wish I had time to log onto here more often than I do just to see what all the hype was about with deleted comments. I always miss the good stuff.

BUT I just want to say to CELERY - we all have someone in our past that makes us ponder the what if's. That's just a reality of love/lust/youth/stupidity.

What the bottom line is that you are no longer with them for a reason. Whether or not you think it was a good reason is irrelevant. Trying to change that path now will only kill the good memories you have left. And can actually make the two of you end up hating each other.

Let it go, Louie. If you REALLY love her, let her go find her happiness with someone else. Your male ego can handle it. I promise.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

If I have deleted each post I feel is inappropriate.

I've never been deleted or censored on TE before. Even when I feel strongly about something or speak my mind, I've always remained civil. I'm disappointed that you felt I was being inappropriate.

[Pan Dulce]

RED FLAG! RED FLAG! RED FLAG!

You need to get AWAY from her as fast as possible, try not to be the "one" she screws over her fiancee with. No matter what's going on with her feelings, she is UNAVAILABLE. You need to face that fact, and commit to not speaking with her at all forever if that's what it takes.

Her behavior is reprehensible and her fiancee would be alarmed if he knew this. That is the test of whether her behavior is acceptable. If she wouldn't tell him the truth about her emotional outbursts, she is hiding things from him, and that is no way to begin a marriage. That means she is not committed--but that doesn't matter to YOU.

Put yourself in his shoes. Do not talk to her again, no matter how tempting and soothing it is to your feelings.

Also in the BTDT camp,

Karen

+ 1000!

Wise words!

[Blueberry]

Wow. I just read this. I have to say I'm highly disappointed and more than a little appalled. And not in the OP's query. Please let it go - and stop the personal attacks. Is there a way to lock this thread - it's way outlived its use IMO.

[TxDoc]

First of all Celery, I'm sorry you are having love trouble.
The other day when this thread came up I saw the word 'emergency' and I looked it up thinking it would be health-related. Then I read the first paragraph:

Now...onto my problem...this might get long, its relationship stuff...
I'm really the last person in the world that you would want relationship advice from - so I did not read further and went back to the bicycle posts. At least with bikes I sort of know what I'm talking about. :rolleyes:
This afternoon - two days later!!! the thread title is still on the top lines, and has a row of page numbers next to it. So I figured it must be some instructive discussion and decided to read through the posts - who knows, I could learn something. Unfortunately, I read most of the thread before Snapdragen's intervention (thank you Snapdragen you rock!), fairly inappropriate posts included, which really were disappointing and had no reason to be. This is an internet forum, there's room for everyone, and no need to be territorial. How about we just help each other without being aggressive? :)

And Celery, since now I came back to read the last posts and made the effort of logging in, I will pitch in my two cents of advice. Just please kindly PM me a signed waiver, will you? 'cos it's not my specialty and I take no responsibility here!
;) just kidding...

I am with Pedal Wench and Flybye here, joining the 'opposition':
It is very rare that we are given a second chance in life. Rare in business, very rare in health, even more rare in relationships.
There is no coincidence - so if you were thinking about this ex-girlfriend now, and if she was thinking about you now - there may be a reason.
We have only today. Do not leave things unsaid or undone, do not find yourself wondering 'what if', do not wait for tomorrow. If you have something more to say to your ex, do it today - and then let you both find peace. What she will do with it - that is not for you to decide, it's in her hands. If her committment to her fiance is faltering - better for them to find out today than after the vows have been exchanged. If you two believe you are committed to each other, better to find out today - when you can still change plans without wrecking a marriage.
Do what you feel is right, and do it now. Regret is not a good travel companion to walk with.

And last, do me a favor - I know, I'm just a stranger on the internet - but still I gave you my share of (bad) advice, so now do me a favor: go to the local bookstore and buy yourself a book. It's called 'failing forward' by John Maxwell. I sometimes give it to the residents when they have a harsh setback, and invariably it helps them raise back up and spring forward. It's mostly about business, but really business is about relationship - so it could be of help.

Good luck to you - and I hope this little bit of turmoil will not scare you away from the TE forum ;)


What the heck is wrong with me lately? I used to sign in, tell people "go buy a Bianchi" and sign out - and lately I'm writing this unbelievably long posts - must be the full moon coming, or maybe old age... :confused:

[snapdragen]

I've never been deleted or censored on TE before. Even when I feel strongly about something or speak my mind, I've always remained civil. I'm disappointed that you felt I was being inappropriate.

I'm sorry you're disappointed. I went back and reviewed your post, though not as bad as some of the others, it was still unnecessary and mean spirited.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

I'm sorry you're disappointed. I went back and reviewed your post, though not as bad as some of the others, it was still unnecessary and mean spirited.

Well I strongly disagree, but I won't argue about it anymore.

[Triskeliongirl]

snapdragon- can we just close this thread already? i think its generating too much bad feeling on our otherwise friendly slice of cyberspace. -e

[cylegoddess]

Havent read this all but ...when your over it, be friends. People should care for each other, even if it wasnt right.
No need to lose the good person you loved. but only if you let go first.
Its worked for me.

[snapdragen]

I have asked that this thread be locked, in the meantime, please, no more posts.