Wedding shower etiquette question [Archive] - Women's Cycling Discussion Forums

indigoiis

03-20-2009, 10:40 AM

Hi All...
I am unconventional in that when I married my DH, we did not register for gifts or anything... we just had the JOP come up the house and marry us without any fuss or too big of a celebration. I think we had dinner for 15 and we did buy a cake. It was nice. It snowed.

Anyhow, so, my friend/acquaintance is getting married (1st time) May 23rd... she's absolutely wonderful and sweet and he's a great guy, so I readily went on the proper registries and found a gift I thought would be reflect as being *really* from me (a big cast iron fry pan they had registered for - which I think was incredibly smart of them and I am happy to have bought it.) So, that's done.

So, I am going to the wedding shower on Sunday. It's a surprise shower. It's all women. It's going to be a rated G shower at a restaurant. My question:

What, if anything, do i bring to the shower? The fry pan has shipped directly to their home. So... do I bring a card? Another present? WAT?

Help Please!
Clueless and wishing I could ride instead of go to a shower but oh well, the girl deserves it she's wonderful... in New England

ny biker

03-20-2009, 10:50 AM

Was the frying pan a wedding present, or a shower present?

The reason wedding showers were invented was to outfit the couple in their new home (on the assumption they were still living with their respective parents and therefore were starting with nothing, which is often not the case these days, but anyway). So you should always give a gift.

Technically a wedding present is not necessary, but most people give one.

So you would give them two gifts.

If the frying pan is a wedding gift, then buy another present and bring it to the shower.

ny biker

03-20-2009, 10:51 AM

p.s. I love your wedding. I wish more weddings were like that.

indigoiis

03-20-2009, 10:54 AM

Gah. I thought so.
So what do I buy for a shower present? What's a shower present? I got them the frying pan for the wedding. I didn't think two presents were necessary.

They've been living together a couple of years and are both in their forties.

tulip

03-20-2009, 10:55 AM

Perhaps the shower would be a chance to give something that is more for her, but keeping it proper, of course. Trousseaux aren't done much anymore, but perhaps something feminine (handmade soaps or something) would be nice.

GLC1968

03-20-2009, 11:04 AM

You could look for something smaller on her registry and perhaps put it with something more personal.

I did this for a friend a few years back and it was greatly appreciated. I bought two casual wine glasses off her registry and put them with a nice bottle of wine into a big picnic type basket. I also threw in an inexpensive cute tablecloth and matching napkins. She loved it and it was different than a typical wedding/shower gift but yet still useful since it was from her registry.

Maybe get a couple of towels (if she registered for them) and put them with some fancy soaps, a candle and a 'do not disturb' sign for the doorknob.

indigoiis

03-20-2009, 11:05 AM

tulip

03-20-2009, 11:08 AM

Just check for old gift cards!

Grog

03-20-2009, 11:24 AM

You could be in touch with whoever is organizing the shower and see if there is some sort of theme. I was once at a bridal shower where the theme was directly related to the bride and the idea was to bring something small and fun within that theme. On the other hand, at my own bridal shower I was given a mix of fun things for me (really cool cycling socks) and things from our registry (knives! I love knives). I am pretty clueless with regards to wedding etiquette but I did everything my "new family" seemed to think was right and it was fun and harmless in the end. :)

Zen

03-20-2009, 11:25 AM

indigoiis

03-20-2009, 11:25 AM

Thanks. ;)
I just went over to the art store and bought lovely rice paper and pretty ribbon and an art card.
Can't go wrong with an art card...

Thanks for all your help.

Crankin

03-20-2009, 11:59 AM

I am in the same situation. My good friend's daughter, who is 23 and very mentally unstable, is getting married in May. I already bought them an engagement gift (thankfully, we were on a cycling trip at the party) and now her shower is coming up.I have to miss a Sunday of cycling for this. I spent $50 on the engagement present, so I am getting her a more personal type of present, maybe back to the days of the trousseau. I will have to buy a wedding gift too, so the shower gift will be small. I am ignoring the registry. I should get both of them a prescription for a nutritionist, because they both weigh over 300 lbs. Don't get me started.
Indi., I had the same type of wedding. 20 people came to our apartment and the rabbi arrived with a portable huppah (canopy). Then we took everyone out to dinner at a nice restaurant.

TsPoet

03-20-2009, 12:08 PM

You could be in touch with whoever is organizing the shower and see if there is some sort of theme. I was once at a bridal shower where the theme was directly related to the bride and the idea was to bring something small and fun within that theme.

I had a good friend who was going to marry a man with the last name of Ham. She asked for pig items, she decided she was going to start a pig collection. I bought her some household things off her registry for the wedding, but when I was invited to the shower, I thought I'd get her something more in tune with her fun side. Their shower was coed but small and included her future in-laws.
Did I mention, she told me she was going to start a pig collection? I want to re-iterate, she told me she wanted pig things. Just to make it clear, she asked for pig-related items.
Her father-in law was about as Angry as I've ever seen anyone when she opened the pig-shaped tea kettle I was so excited about finding for her. :(
I guess growing up with the name and being a police officer named Ham inhibited his pleasure in things pig-like.

Zen

03-20-2009, 12:10 PM

http://i206.photobucket.com/albums/bb14/zencentury/Bride.jpg
Me on my wedding day. You can tell by the tiara.

Just kidding, my tiara's much nicer than that ;)
This lovely bride was found at http://tackyweddings.com/

ny biker

03-20-2009, 12:17 PM

Is this a celebration of two peoples commitment to one another or a celebration of gifts?

You stated that they are both in their forties and have been together for a while. They really don't need anything.

Which means they really should not be having a shower.

But a baby or wedding shower are supposed to be the only two events for which a gift is required. Everything else (weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) are considered gift-optional, even though most people don't see them that way. Just like the proper thing is to send the wedding gift to the home within a year of the event, but most people bring the gift to the wedding itself, so the couple needs to deal with a pile of boxes on their way to the honeymoon.

At least that's what Miss Manners says.

Anyway. Just because you're supposed to bring a gift, that doesn't mean it has to be a big expensive blowout.

indigoiis

03-20-2009, 12:17 PM

I LOVE that tiara.

indigoiis

03-20-2009, 12:20 PM

indysteel

03-20-2009, 12:22 PM

Is this a celebration of two peoples commitment to one another or a celebration of gifts?

You stated that they are both in their forties and have been together for a while. They really don't need anything.

Seriously. I know I've beat this particular horse before in other threads, but I honestly have a problem when women/men/couples of a certain age register for gifts for either the wedding or shower. I understand buying things (within reason) for a young couple or bride, but after a certain point, it just seems inappropriate. I say that as a 39 year old who plans to elope. No shower, no gifts.

I also have a problem with the implicit obligation to buy a shower gift or wedding gift. It really should be treated as optional IMO.

That said, I think it's very nice of you to get them a skillet and your shower gift is just fine.

AnnieBikes

03-20-2009, 12:25 PM

My favorite gift for all new brides and grooms, if they have any interest in cooking, is a box of spices and herbs. www.penzeys.com has some really nice spice sets just for newlyweds. If they have been living together for a long time then maybe this is not so good but the couples who have gotten this gift have been very happy. It is definitely different!

Now, for the pig tea kettle...I couldn't stop laughing...perfect!!! :D

ny biker

03-20-2009, 12:25 PM

Crankin, I was in a similar situations some years back, and declined to go to the engagement party because I couldn't afford a gift. At the time I was pretty broke, due to only recently starting working again after prolonged unemployment, and I was pretty annoyed that I had to spend money to buy things for these people when I didn't own any of the things on their registry and couldn't afford to buy them for myself. I chose the two cheapest things on the list to give them.

(At their reception, one of the couples' very close friends had to leave early because he was sick. When someone told the bride he had left, she said, angrily, "well I hope he ate his dinner before he left because I paid a lot of money for it." Sometimes I really don't like weddings.)

Veronica

03-20-2009, 12:30 PM

I LOVE Penzeys spices!

Veronica

shootingstar

03-20-2009, 01:14 PM

I am seriously thinking about riding to the shower.
It's fifteen miles.

Do you think that's tacky?

I would cycle if it's not raining. I've reached to a point in life (and my age, 50), that it wouldn't bother me what the other shower attendees thought.

Just make sure your either ride slowly (not to sweat) or change into something fresh at the party.

If you bike, someone is bound to envy you, for cycling off the party's food goodies! :D

Zen

03-20-2009, 01:30 PM

I guess growing up with the name and being a police officer named Ham inhibited his pleasure in things pig-like.

That's unfortunate and yet hilarious at once :D

lph

03-20-2009, 01:35 PM

I am seriously thinking about riding to the shower.
It's fifteen miles.

Do you think that's tacky?

How could this be considered tacky? I guess if you walk into the shower in full bike gear, sweating and panting and muddy, and then proceed to hog all the attention telling about your brilliant ride and how everybody else should ride bikes - that could be tacky ;) But otherwise, it's just a mode of tranportation like any other?

But ignore me, we don't even have wedding showers so I'm just talking here... :)

tulip

03-20-2009, 04:21 PM

I arrived at a wedding shower on my bike a few years ago. It was a very hot day, and it was about 10 miles away. I knew I would get sweaty, but I was sharing a car with the then-DH and he had something to do that involved the car, so I didn't have access to a car. I brought my party clothes separately and just quietly cooled down and changed in the bathroom (the party was at someone's house). I got a few raised eyebrows, but I didn't let it bother me. In fact, cycling became the topic of conversation. The bride is a triathlete, so she thought it was cool.

PamNY

03-20-2009, 04:38 PM

I am seriously thinking about riding to the shower.
It's fifteen miles.

Do you think that's tacky?

Not tacky at all. I ride my Xootr absolutely everywhere for the same reason other people drive their cars absolutely everywhere: it is my mode of transportation. It's been to a funeral, to black tie events, and it's spent time in many of NYC's finer coat check rooms.

I think your gifts sound splendid. I love rice paper.

Pam

Crankin

03-20-2009, 05:17 PM

I don't think it's tacky, but most people will. When I got the invitation, I said to my friend (the mother of the bride) "Oh, that (country club where it's being held) is on a big hill." She replied, "Only you would say that."
It's only about 8 miles from my house, but I do sweat a lot. Maybe if I rode my Jamis, I could go slow enough to not sweat, but I would have to change. I don't know the people giving the shower (groom's family), except they are very ah, unsophisticated people who might freak out if I came in in cycling gear. I also don't want to cause any issues for my friend, who has enough stress with this child and the whole event.
I will try and ride before or after the shower.

Possegal

03-20-2009, 05:52 PM

I give the same thing to every bride-to-be at their wedding showers. Picture frames. I'm a bit of a picture-aholic, my whole stairwell in my house is lined with family photos. I figure they are bound to have a photo or two they want to display after the wedding.

I think your wedding gift and your shower (re)gift :) sound lovely! And I'd bike there too, nothing tacky about that.

Tuckervill

03-21-2009, 07:42 AM

Rules and what is acceptable varies from one part of the country to the next. I really think bridal registries are a *help* to those who don't know the couple very well (good friends of the parents, for instance). I appreciate having an idea of the colors and styles they like.

Couples used to just register for china, stemware and the like, but now they have that little scanner thing at Target and they just go nuts--especially, it seems, when the groom is involved. I have overheard some really tacky conversations between bride and groom in the housewares aisles of Target! I feel free to ignore all the high dollar and non-traditional items, and either get something off the registry or use information on the registry to help me choose something more thoughtful.

In this situation, with both over 40, even though it's a first wedding, I would be inclined to get them a book of poetry or something small and inexpensive like that, or just send my regrets about not being able to attend the shower.

Karen

Tokie

03-21-2009, 01:56 PM

How about something to go with the skillet? Potholders, gourmet type small food items, and a note about how she can use it with the skillet you are giving her? I think re-gifting the salt and pepper set is a good idea too, perhaps with the same type of note about the skillet. Tokie

sfa

03-21-2009, 03:16 PM

I like the idea of something to go with the skillet. Something like this book (http://www.amazon.com/Cast-Iron-Skillet-Cookbook-Recipes/dp/1570614253/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1237677172&sr=8-1) might be good.

And speaking of etiquette, I was invited to a "grandmother's shower" for next weekend. The son and daughter in law of a coworker are having a baby, but they live halfway across the country. So friends of the grandmother-to-be are throwing a shower for the grandmother, but we're supposed to bring gifts that my coworker will then deliver to her son and DIL. I've never heard of something like this before, and I don't even know the actual parents.

Fortunately, I'm already signed up to do a stream clean up that day, so I'm off the hook! I just thought it was an odd idea for a shower.

Zen

03-21-2009, 04:06 PM

I like the idea of something to go with the skillet.

Salt and pepper shakers go with a skillet ;)

What stream are you cleaning up? That water's gonna be cold!

sgtiger

03-21-2009, 05:22 PM

The S&P set sounds like a fine shower gift. Just to personalize it a bit, how about including some recipe cards with your favorite recipes hand-written on them. It would tie in the shower and wedding gifts nicely.

sfa

03-21-2009, 06:51 PM

What stream are you cleaning up? That water's gonna be cold!

One of the local runs that feeds into the Patapsco. And every year it's at the end of March and it's bloody cold. We always pray for rain so that they'll reschedule the day--when that happens we usually end up doing the stream clean up in May, which is MUCH nicer!

Sarah

papaver

03-22-2009, 01:07 AM

Re-gifting?
I have this beautiful Pottery barn salt and shaker set that I received as a gift from my boss for xmas. It's a nesting, white pottery set. Anyhow, I live on a farm in house with lots of dog hair and dust and this thing never even made it out of the lovely designer box it came in. The box is in my china cabinet.

I am thinking of re-gifting.

Hey, if you want to keep it really cheap: Give the salt set at the shower and the pepper set at the wedding. :D

No seriously, if she's a really good friend, why don't you give her something really personal? Like a nice framed photograph of an event you both have good memories of.

I had a wedding like you, no fuss, and the gifts i enjoyed the most were the personal, non expensive ones.

Another thought: why don't you give her a 'day'. :D Like a day you do things together, go to a spa and get a massage and have a nice lunch afterwards. Or plan a nice ride if she's into cycling too.

(sorry for my bad English)

papaver

03-22-2009, 01:10 AM

Ok I apologize for the thread hijack, but I have a question that is sort of related...

Im going to my friends wedding next week... they are very good friends from grad school. They are both out of school and working, but Im only working part time and still in school (aka, poor!). How much do I spend on a gift? $50?

I think you can buy something really nice for $50 :)

Aint Doody

03-22-2009, 07:56 AM

I think you can get something nice for $20.

ny biker

03-22-2009, 03:16 PM

Ok I apologize for the thread hijack, but I have a question that is sort of related...

Im going to my friends wedding next week... they are very good friends from grad school. They are both out of school and working, but Im only working part time and still in school (aka, poor!). How much do I spend on a gift? $50?

Spend what you can afford. You're don't have to choose between paying your bills and buying someone a gift.

tulip

03-22-2009, 03:38 PM

As I understand it, there's no obligation to give a wedding present...and if you want to, you have a year in which to do it.

Possegal

03-22-2009, 04:44 PM

Many of my friends married when I was a poor grad student. The joke was always that my PRESENCE was my PRESENTS. :) They were all just so happy I was able to be there. I figure I'll double up on their 50th anniversary gifts. ;)

indigoiis

03-23-2009, 10:09 AM

POST SHOWER REPORT:

The re-gift was a hit.

Nicest present (I thought). One of the woman bought some tough cotton with a beautiful print and sewed a basic pocketed apron and two potholders. She then wrapped that by folding it up so that the outside fabric was the "wrapping", tying with a pretty ribbon, and inserted a wooden spoon and fork in the pockets.

Now, she stays home all day with her kid.
But, I looked at that apron and I thought, I could do that.

Adventure Girl

03-23-2009, 10:20 AM

indigoiis -- I'm glad things went well. Sometimes we stress about stuff more than we need to.

Many of my friends married when I was a poor grad student. The joke was always that my PRESENCE was my PRESENTS. :) They were all just so happy I was able to be there. I figure I'll double up on their 50th anniversary gifts. ;)Possegal, I like your way of thinking!!:D