Bridezilla!

[Fujichants]

Ok. So one of my best friends is getting married next year, and she told me yesterday over the phone that I won't be her maid of honor, but just a normal bridesmaid. Cool, I don't care, one less thing to worry about.

But now the problem is, she is turning into a complete bridezilla, and she tries to drag me to all her appointments (florist, lighting, photographer, linen, invitations, etc). Shouldn't that be the MOH's job? She told me today she trusts my taste and all...after spending 4 hours with her at the florist. Well, I don't care if you trust my taste or not, it frankly isn't my job!

What do I do? I don't know how to politely tell her: look, you should be doing this with the MOH.

And frankly, I am sick of hearing her say ridiculous things like:

"People who come to my engagement party better bring me a gift card because I do not want to get stupid picture frames. I will bash them in their head if they do"

"If they don't bring a gift, they won't be my friends anymore"

"I am going to tell people (some close friends of ours) that they are not invited because they won't like the food and they are not worth the $320/head"

"You better not be too tanned or lose any more weight because of running/cycling after we fit the dresses, because it will be a pain in the *** to change"

Seriously!! This usually sweet girl turned into a total monster!

[Zen]

Oh.
I see you're in L.A.
Think that might have anything to do with it?

Just tell her you're busy and give her a picture frame with a photo of you in it :D

[teigyr]

That is horrible! I know weddings are SO stressful, especially if they are large. Is this totally 100% against her normal character? If so, it might be time to distract her then ask her to step back and see what it's becoming. Marriage isn't about the wedding (though it sure seems like it at the time!), it's about the commitment to her spouse.

Of course that all being said, I remember calling DH at work (before he was DH) and informing him that I think I deserved a &*^% tiara. Fortunately, he agreed. That and he was impressed by the swearing.

I think you need to do what's best for you, too. Maybe you could ask her to tone it down a bit when she's around you?

[shootingstar]

Gee..fun.:p

You should acknowledge that she's stressed but a beautiful day like a wedding will be more enjoyable if she doesn't expect perfection..:o

Yes, it's alot of money...but she and fiance made that choice. I would slide out and graciously agree it's their money, but you don't need to hear every problem nor need to be there to help her decide how to spend her money..


How many people are invited to this wedding?

One of my cousins invited...800 people to their wedding. Yes, it was lavish..the ballroom was size of a football field. Yes, they are still married...

Sounds like bridezilla highjinks is good enough for...tv.

[Aggie_Ama]

Way too much emphasis is placed on the wedding and it makes brides crazy!! I remember flipping out because someone wanted to bring a plus one and I addressed the card just to them. Our budget was so tight and we have big families so I didn't want to not invite people and that plus one was just a budget buster (so I thought). In hindsight, I wanted a big wedding for my grandparents and you know what? My Pawpaw died 3 weeks to the day before my wedding and the Mexican food at the rehearsal was too much for my then 85 year old Mammaw who was too ill the next morning to come. My Nanny (Pawpaw's widow) was too emotional to go the reception and bawled through the pictures. The perfect wedding with my grandparents who I am/was very close to didn't happen.

I sold my dress because the stress of things out of my control left my wedding not the happiest day of my life. It was a good day but not the magic some people describe. Somedays I wish we had just ran off to the tropics and came back and thrown a low key party.

This wasn't about me, was it? :P But I can relate how weddings make you crazy and in the end it does not matter. My marriage is pretty damn good and that is what matters. Maybe you should give her that reality check.

[Becky]

This is why DH and I got married on a Friday night with 30 guests and a budget of $5K :D

Seriously though, our society places way too much emphasis on the wedding event and not nearly enough on planning a healthy, happy marriage.

Fuji, i'm sorry that you have to go through this. Sounds like your friend needs a little bit of a reality check. It's not about the party, or the gifts, or the food. It's about having your nearest and dearest friends and family there to witness the commitment of 2 people to each other. (I'll get off of my soapbox now...)

[tulip]

Fuji, it might be useful to talk to her in person when nothing else is planned--not at the florist or the caterer or the dressmaker. Try to get her in a reasonable moment. Then just be honest and tell that she's gotten a bit out of whack with this whole thing. Suggest that she write a list of the tasks that she needs company/help with, and a list of the MOH and bridesmaids. Most of the accompanying should go to the MOH. Since you're nice and helpful (but not a doormat), suggest a couple of things that you can help with. In other words, help her make it manageable on paper and then set your own limits.

She sounds really dreadful. She probably doesn't even realize it. IMO, people get obsessed about wedding planning because it's the only thing they can have control over. In some ways, the whole concept of getting married is one of giving up significant control of your life. Sharing your life can be wonderful, but there's a huge scary part to it, too. Maybe there's underlying stuff going on with your friend. Unless you can get her to a shrink, there's not much you can do about that other than listen if she has concerns.

Best of luck to you and your friend.

[indigoiis]

You know what? Chill. It's only a year, this is her big, once-in-a-lifetime event, and you just need to be there. Practice nodding sympathetically. It's only one more year and then it's over.

Just think, she does the same for you before a big event of yours that she might not take any interest in, but that you probably (like me) go on and on and on about, because it is current; it is what is on your mind. You can't help it. Neither can I. Neither can she.

Forget about duties and jobs. Be a good friend. She needs you to share in her excitement. I know bridezillas can be a big bore and intolerable in their glee however, as a friend to her, don't you want her to feel that?

I vote No big talks. I vote keeping your mouth shut and letting her do her thing. It's temporary - but friends are forever.

[indigoiis]

[QUOTE=Becky;361317]This is why DH and I got married on a Friday night with 30 guests and a budget of $5K :D
QUOTE]

I hear ya. Ours was 12 people (including the JOP and her husband, and me and the Mister), in our house, in the middle of a snowstorm in February.

And even THAT was stressful - because my husband is the only boy and his mom is a control freak. She was quite disappointed in the small size of our wedding. I think she was hoping for St. Patrick's and a guestlist numbering in the thousands...:rolleyes:

[lph]

Imagine her obsessing about a huge ride she really really really wanted to do, but was worried about if she could manage. Try taking it from there ;)

[Fujichants]

Thanks everybody for your advice!

I am going through a stressful time myself (job interviews, financial issues - BF and I had actually planned to get married next year, but now we are moving it up another year because of all the unexpected expenses around here). So in a way, I don't mind being dragged along to all these appointments, because I can keep in mind what to look out for and which questions to ask. But then again, BF works in catering & event services, so I have somebody who knows the ins and outs of weddings and how much things should cost, what to expect etc.

She is expecting me to cancel training/races/events that I have coming up in the future, that I registered for BEFORE she got engaged, and I just don't think it is right. Sure, if I were the MOH, I would understand and try to accommodate, but i'm not...and I don't feel like acting like one when i'm not.

She already had these kind of arrogant tendencies before, but I knew to ignore them. But now, they are coming out tenfold and she's managed to hurt one of our close friends already. (The girl is a bit overweight, but by no means obese, yet she called her an obese cow, hence she can't be a bridesmaid).

Got another "fun-filled" day with her today. I'm going to ask her why the MOH isn't around. And remind her that this is supposed to be a fun process, because she has the help of friends, who are there to stress out with her.

Thanks all!

[Deborajen]

That sounds like a good idea - just having a quiet talk when the MOH isn't around. Standing by your friends is important, but you have a life and feelings, too. It's o.k. to draw some lines for yourself and say "enough."

I just got to work and received a pre-invitation from a coworker. I'd never heard of that before, but she's getting married next May and gave everyone a little card with a picture of herself with her fiance - he was carrying her piggyback - it's a fun and playful picture. The card said, "Hold the date - May 23, 2009. Formal invitation to follow." I think that's cool, and it sounds like they're keeping it fun. Sounds like your friend needs to put some fun back into her planning process. Hope she settles down.

Deb

[sundial]

Stop being an enabler. ;)

Keep your prior appointments, screen your calls, and spend more time on the bike. :)

[Becky]

Stop being an enabler. ;)

Keep your prior appointments, screen your calls, and spend more time on the bike. :)

Dang, that's some good advice right there!

[Fujichants]

Stop being an enabler. ;)

Keep your prior appointments, screen your calls, and spend more time on the bike. :)

Hahaha! This girl knows when I screen her calls.

But I definitely agree to spending more time on my bike! Zulu is calling out to me.

[Aggie_Ama]

Deborajen- Save the date cards are pretty common if there is travel involved. That is Memorial Day weekend, so maybe that is why. We got married Memorial Day weekend, of course I didn't realize it would be it was just the day most reception places were open!

Fuji- My MOH and one of my four bridesmaids helped me with a lot of stuff. I thought it was pretty common to have the bridesmaids very involved in the planning. One of my closest friends was out of state, so she couldn't help and one well we aren't friends anymore for many reasons. Of course my mom did all the heavy lifting (calling, booking, making appointments, picking up dresses) so I could concentrate on finishing my last semester of college. I DID NOT expect people to drop everything for me though my own MOH couldn't come in for the rehearsal because her baby sister was graduating high school. Keep your commitments, you are allowed to still have a life.

[lph]

she's managed to hurt one of our close friends already. (The girl is a bit overweight, but by no means obese, yet she called her an obese cow, hence she can't be a bridesmaid).


She called her a WHAT?? :eek: Why would you call any of your friends a cow, much less an obese cow, much less set size as criterium for being a bridesmaid??

I agree that you have to humour her a little, and some fights just aren't worth picking, but when people turn plain mean they do need to be smacked, gently, upside the head. As for yourself, you can remind her politely that her wedding plans are important to her, your racing plans etc. are important to you, and it won't be much of a "funfilled day" if you're feeling resentful that you had to cancel something important to be there. But that you're more than happy blah-blah-blah to help her on a day that suits you. :rolleyes:

[Irulan]

Stop being an enabler. ;)

Keep your prior appointments, screen your calls, and spend more time on the bike. :)


best advice yet.

Does your "friend" throw parties like this?
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/09/10/lw.pay.for.my.party/index.html

[Grog]

Reading this makes me very sad, and reminds me of all I read while preparing our wedding last year. Just having a look at the brides' online forums made me cry. It's not a fashion show, it's a celebration of marriage!!!! I can't believe how much of a stronghold commercialism has now on weddings.

I don't know how she is normally, but maybe she could be asked what she thinks the day is really about, and whether it's worth alienating close friends and relatives over it? Maybe she does think it's worth it. My brother's wife, whom he is now thankfully divorced from, thought that this was the Most Important Day of Her Life and that Nobody Would Be Allowed To Contradict Her In The Year Leading To It. Among other things, she wanted to tell my father how to dress, which did not work very well with him. Seeing that we were accessories in her parade, rather than being invited to celebrate their love and joy, my boyfriend at the time and myself gently pulled away from it (I was supposed to be a bridesmaid and my bf a groomsmen). Her wedding did make it into a magazine because everything was so well coordinated (for real!!) but all the family members and a few friends were alienated in the process... Very sad.

Oh, and where did "we want your presence, not your presents" end up? I can't believe that attitude regarding the gifts and spendings.

As they say, "Only real friends tell you when your face is dirty."

[Grog]

p.s. Weddings are all about graciously smiling when you open yet another gift containing a bowl. :) And marriage is about deciding where to display the bowls.

[indysteel]

I think it's perfectly reasonably (and healthy) for you to draw the boundaries you need to draw with your friend and her wedding. After five years of therapy, I believe very strongly in doing only those things I feel comfortable doing and saying a polite "no" to things that I'm not. It took some training to accept that the only person who really needs to be okay with those decisions is me. I'm not advocating being a selfish or self-centered person. I do plenty for the people I love and care about, but what I do for them is not motivated by guilt, unrealististic expectations, or the like. In turn, my friends know me well enough to implicitly trust my sincerity.

As that applies to your friend, politely explain that you can't do her X because it conflicts with your Y. If she gives you grief for it, say I'm sorry you feel that way; I'd be happy to help with the wedding plans at a more mutually convenient time. Then walk away (mentally, at least). How she reacts to you taking care of you is her problem, not yours.

As for your friend. Her behavior is just not acceptable. Planning a wedding NO MATTER HOW BIG is not a license to act like a spoiled brat. Yes, brides-to-be get obsessed and stressed, but only so much of that is tolerable. Calling a friend a cow is just not right. And if this is just bringing out some tendencies in your friend that you already knew were there, please ask yourself whether she's a friend worth having.

I was in a wedding early this year. There were a few eye-rolling moments for me with the bride, but in all fairness to her, she always kept her cool and was very mindful that all of her bridesmaids had other time and financial commitments. It turned out to be a pleasant experience for all, and our friendship is as strong as ever.

So, while I agree that you will likely have to grin and bear some wedding related craziness, you don't have to be abused, sign your life over, or suffer silently as she acts like a brat. If she can't handle a polite "no" or heart-to-heart about wedding etiquette, then I'd rethink being in the wedding at all.

Just my two cents.

[bmccasland]

OK, 3 words...

Professional

Wedding

Planner

If Bride wants a big to-do, then have her hire a professional wedding planner - who will happily advise on things, coordinate deliverys, deal with the caterers, etc - cause she's being paid.

I went to a high-budget wedding and reception once (had a head-liner play the reception!*), and was amazed that they were too cheap to hire a wedding planner. I worked with the bride and several of us kept telling her, "hire a wedding planner." Then after the wedding when she was griping about the flow of things, we got to tell her "I told you so, you should have hired a wedding planner." Come on, if you're paying $10K for the band, you can spring for a planner!




*Clarence Gatemouth Brown, if you were curious

[lph]

this thread inspired me to go check on one of the most amusing sites out there:

http://www.etiquettehell.com/content/eh_wedding/bridezillas/ebridezilla.shtml

:p

[GLC1968]

LPH - I actually had a story published on that site! (Not from my wedding...but one of an 'ex' friend of mine).

Fujichants - Seriously...you need to have a talk with this girl. I had a 'big budget' wedding and I was not a bridezilla. It's not a requirement of the job! I would sit her down - not at a wedding planning event - and tell her what she sounds like. Don't say 'you are this'...phrase it as 'you sound like this and I'm sure that's not who you want to be, right?'. Be specific and let her be the judge of her own behavior. Yes, there can be a lot of pressure on the bride when it comes to the wedding planning, but 9 times out of 10, she's putting it on herself. The bride sets the tone of the wedding. It'll never be 'perfect' if she's wound up in knots. Besides, at the end of the day, no matter if the cake is ugly, the photographer forgets half the important photos, the groom flubs the vows, the sound system sucks or the father of the groom is a no show, she'll be married to the man of her dreams, right? Maybe she needs a little reminding of that...

(and yes, all those things happened on our day and I still treasure the memory and never once stressed out!)

[withm]

Just

Say

NO.


(And for my own edification, what's a MOH?)

[Zen]

As they say, "Only real friends tell you when your face is dirty."
Or as I say, when you have a boogie-nose

[Blueberry]

(And for my own edification, what's a MOH?)
Maid of honor.

Seriously - sounds like this girl is out of control. I agree that a gentle smack upside the head is warranted. And with the approach of "you sound like...." not "you said...". Be as non-confrontational as possible, but expect her to blow. You may not be able to get through to her at this point.

CA

[Irulan]

Maid Of Honor
Music on Hold