Any others in the forum with social anxiety?

[bacarver]

Anxiety disorders are common, but I feel like an alien at times. I've recently had a very difficult set back after years of doing really well. It has felt chemically based to me even though I adhere to the cognitive aspect for cause and solution. I'm starting to get back to my previous self after about 6 weeks of being very uncomfortable. This hit me from nowhere and it seems to be disappearing in similar fashion.
I want nothing to do with medications. I am highly susceptible to side effects.
Interestingly, I am a psych nurse but a human first.
I would like to attend an anxiety support group, but I live in a rural area and this is not available to me.
Connecting with others helps me feel better.
If anyone is willing to share even if through private messages, I can provide more information.
If not, thanks for listening, TE.

Barb

[TJ_Relic]

Hi Barb. I can't say I have a social anxiety disorder, exactly, because I've never seen a therapist or anything. I know I have alot of fear that has kept me from a full social life.

It always feels like everything about me is being criticized by every passing person. I know this is egotistical, but I was picked on alot as a kid, which is a big part of this.

I have a hard time trusting that someone actually wants to spend time with me, even if I am invited, and it is horrifying and impossible for me to ask to join a group for lunch or invite myself to a party.

I've known my friend Amanda since middle school (kinda kindergarten, actually) and it took about 5 years for me to trust that my very presence wasn't an imposition, that she wasn't pretending to be my friend, out of pity.

So, its sort of social anxiety, magnified by low self-worth. I was a shy child, but my family's constant moving kinda messed me up for a long time. I've dealt with it bit by bit, forcing myself into situations that make me uncomfortable, and realizing that my few friends are genuine has been a great help.

Now I'm using bicycling as a self-therapy, too. I put on shorts:eek:, ride an orange bike:eek:, riding a bike at all draws people's attention and possibly judgment, I'm dressing differently at school, etc...

[SlowButSteady]

Yes, totally have it.

and TJ Relic, this is so true: >>It always feels like everything about me is being criticized by every passing person. <<

I'm OK and functional in the insulated worlds of my home and office. Also pretty okay from jungles to high deserts with total strangers.

Where I have difficulty functioning is in the community in which I live. I often procrastinate on simple things like going to the grocery store or the dry cleaners because of it, and going to church or the local discount store is difficult. There are one or two local restaurants where I am okay, but I often get something in a drive-through and sit in my truck alone to eat lunch.

The common thread, as far as I can tell, is that I tend to avoid going places where I may run into and be forced to speak to someone I may know, however remotely. Send me to the mall in the next town among strangers and I'm okay. I'm okay crossing the country by plane or at the beach or doing anything "active."

I'm also okay at my job. People come into my office to see me -- on purpose! (I'm a vet). I figure it's because they want to and I am totally professional and 100% confident in my business.

It's when I try to function in this small town community that I get freaked out. I even have difficulty wanting to ride with LBC. I'm always the slowest one...imagine they laugh at me behind my back, etc. So I usually ride my bike alone.

I am confident enough to go shopping in nearby larger cities, to go to a movie by myself or eat by myself--I can even go to a WALMART by myself and not feel weird in a town in which I am a stranger. My assessment is that people who are total strangers have no preconceived notion of who I am or what I am like.

I can and do make friends--but it takes forever and they are few.

Meds have not helped. So many have been tried. I get side effects from some; others don't work. Ativan helps but it clashes with some other things I'm taking and I get groggy.

I do think exercise and eating well help. I try to go heavy on omega 3's, citrus and sunlight and since I have, I seem to do better. I also credit some of that for not having had the flu or even a cold in quite a while

[Skierchickie]

Wow - me too! I can relate to most of TJ_Relic & SlowButSteady's examples. I'm really self-conscious. I've gotten better about it the last few years, but wow - the whole "people just invite me to join them because they are trying to be nice" feeling was (is) just awful. And I had a terrible time when I had to start going to Al-Anon meetings (I used to always show up early for everything, probably thinking I'd be noticed less than if I walked in later). If one or two people walked in, I was relatively okay, but my discomfort would grow with every person that walked into a room, until I'd feel like I was going to have apanic attack.. And I've always hated parties - I tend to lurk in a quiet spot waiting for others to talk to me, instead of taking a risk. And I just can't make small talk. If I get comfortable, I run on a lot, though (just look at me now!:rolleyes:). In grade school through high school I always carried a novel to read, and I'd stick my nose in my book as soon as I got to class, until the class started, so I wouldn't have to interact. I also assume everybody is critical of me, and nobody likes me.

As I said, I'm better than I was (dating back to when a huge crisis in my marriage got me into counseling). I have actual friends now - I'm still an isolating homebody, though. I'll never be a social being, or comfortable in public (the shopping by myself thing sounds familiar, and restaurants without a crutch!!).

Anyway, I can relate.

[mimitabby]

lots of us have some degree of social anxiety. I played Bass for 6 years in a band. It was great. I didn't have to talk (couldn't talk and play at the same time anyway) and I could have fun and be with friendly people. Another benefit was i could be on stage and be behind everyone else, i never ever took "center stage" I liked that!
I noticed that a lot of my musician friends did better with the instruments than they did with conversation!

[bacarver]

Thanks for sharing, guys. I feel the caring and the connection.
One thing about these fears is that they don't make total sense. Everyone has a unique way of being fearful.
My anxiety manifests itself through neck muscle tension and jerking. Eye contact is my problem trigger area. I fight to hide this from others at the expense of my well-being. This leaves me exhausted and frustrated.
I didn't ask for this problem. It found me through genetic predisposition and difficult life experiences.
I find it hard to accept this part of myself. I equate it to failure and being weak.
My internal dialogue is an ongoing work of art! I must work at being kind to myself in the thoughts inside my head.
Our bikes remind of us of how strong and capable we are.
Thanks again for contributing to the thread.
I will re-read the messages and find strength in them.
Barb

[Flur]

I used to be what I can only describe as excruciatingly shy. I'm still not overly outgoing, but I've made a lot of progress. One day I decided that I didn't like being afraid of things, so I decided to put myself out there no matter what. I used to not look people in the eye - so I made a point of it, and I made a point of smiling every time I felt nervous because it was more inviting to others. I was amazed at how different my interactions were - I can't even describe it properly - it was like they respected me more and saw me more, and it did wonders for my confidence. About 4 years ago, with my husband's encouragement, I started a year long yoga teacher training program. Teaching - standing in front of a group of people who are looking at me, potentially with a critical eye - was close to my biggest fear. But now not only can I teach in front of a group, I can speak in front of a group, even on the fly, and if I walk into a room and everyone turns to look, I can smile back with complete confidence. I can make small talk with strangers where I used to freeze up, and things that would make me break out in a cold sweat before barely phase me now. I'm not saying that looking the fear in the face will work for everyone, but it really has done wonders for me.

BTW - All that said, posting on forums terrifies me. Still.

[mimitabby]

wow, Flur, you have really come far! You can teach yoga !!!
I cannot emphasize how impressed I am with your achievement! It's fantastic. I'm still an idiot in public. Talking on a forum like this, I make a fool of myself several times a day... water off a duck's back :D:D:D

[Skierchickie]

Oh, wow - posting on this forum is really easy - I can think and think about what I want to say, read it over and over and re-word things. Abandon the whole process if I get scared. Basically try to make sure I don't offend anyone or look like an idiot. Notice I used the word "try". Then I can keep checking back to see if anybody responded to what I said, or if I'm just a big loser, and now everybody knows it.:( This is so much easier than face to face verbal contact! I sometimes feel like I can't put two words together. Work isn't bad, as long as I can avoid talking to customers (usually an Army Major or somebody like that - turns out they aren't that scary once you get to know them). I've been there long enough to be comfortable with most of my coworkers, although I can tell which ones are like I am - the ones that don't make eye contact in the hall (I am slowly overcoming the certainty that those people just hate me). I still have enough insecurity that if I meet someone in the hall, I look furtively to see if they are going to make eye contact or speak, and then I can speak to them - otherwise, I freak out and pull into my shell.

I did try posting on other forums a couple of times before finding TE. Not good! Somebody asked a question about the same car I had just bought, so I spoke up - got lambasted. Same thing happened again. Sure, they did it to everybody, but I took it pretty personally. I don't go there anymore. Another forum I have read before (tri related) - I've seem people get flamed over nothing. Some guy posted a question, and referred to riding fast on the flats at a particular speed (meaning fast for him, clearly) - they roasted the poor guy for the rest of the thread for his definition of "fast", then roasted each other for being mean to him, etc. - all one big laugh, apparently.

Flur, you are amazing!

Bacarver - I'm afraid I'm doing more of an "Ooh! Ooh! Me too!" than anything actually helpful. Just know you are not alone. You are right about the different ways anxiety can manifest itself. Mine is a panicky feeling. As an adult I realized I had had anxiety attacks beginning probably in kindergarten up through high school. I always tried to hide it - I never told my parents, because I thought there was something wrong with me. More performance anxiety than social anxiety with that, though.

Hang in there. Realizing what is really going on helps a lot. I think hearing other people's stories helps a lot too - just knowing you are not alone.

[Tuckervill]

the whole "people just invite me to join them because they are trying to be nice"

I sometimes think this, too, but over the years I've come to realize that-----NO, people just aren't THAT nice.

If I was so socially awkward and shy that someone felt sorry enough for me to invite me anyway, even though they didn't like me, then they'd be too afraid that I'd say YES to the invitation, so they wouldn't ask.

That's the tactic I use with obnoxious people. I don't invite them because I'm afraid they'll come!

99% of the shy people I've known (nothing wrong with being shy), were absolutely lovely people on their surface. And--if they had allowed me to get to know them better--probably sterling at their core.

It's just too bad they don't believe it.

Karen

[Savra]

Is it social anxiety disorder if you have had it all your life? and it's just kind of who you are? I used to get very anxious being around people and wouldn't even go into a store as a kid on my own. Normal everyday interactions with people gave me horrible butterflys. It got better as I got older. However, people still think I'm rather off. I think as I got older I just stopped being anxious and scared people would think I was strange and accepted that they will any way.
Yes, this is a great forum. I lurk and enjoy reading everyones posts. I still worry when I post that I "did it wrong" and "will offend" and will "seem off" but at least it's only a tiny little voice and not that cold sweat I used to get some 10 years ago.
May I say, how very courageous to even ask the question.

[uforgot]

Is it social anxiety disorder if you have had it all your life? and it's just kind of who you are? I used to get very anxious being around people and wouldn't even go into a store as a kid on my own. Normal everyday interactions with people gave me horrible butterflys. It got better as I got older. However, people still think I'm rather off. I think as I got older I just stopped being anxious and scared people would think I was strange and accepted that they will any way.
Yes, this is a great forum. I lurk and enjoy reading everyones posts. I still worry when I post that I "did it wrong" and "will offend" and will "seem off" but at least it's only a tiny little voice and not that cold sweat I used to get some 10 years ago.
May I say, how very courageous to even ask the question.

Have you ever read Party of One the Loner's Manifesto (http://www.amazon.com/Party-One-Manifesto-Anneli-Rufus/dp/1569245134/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1212850516&sr=8-1)by Anneli Rufus? Until I read it I thought I was always a little "off" too. Always had to have lots and lots of alone time, and I'm not big on gatherings too often. Even as a kid I hated slumber parties because I knew I had to spend the night with a crowd. This book made me feel much better about it, as my friends think it's a little strange, too, but they accept it. They know when I say no to some event: shopping, party, etc, that I'm not going to give a reason, and it has nothing to do with them. I think you are correct when you say it's just who you are.

[spotlightmama]

Have you ever read Party of One the Loner's Manifesto (http://www.amazon.com/Party-One-Manifesto-Anneli-Rufus/dp/1569245134/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1212850516&sr=8-1)by Anneli Rufus? Until I read it I thought I was always a little "off" too. Always had to have lots and lots of alone time, and I'm not big on gatherings too often. Even as a kid I hated slumber parties because I knew I had to spend the night with a crowd. This book made me feel much better about it, as my friends think it's a little strange, too, but they accept it. They know when I say no to some event: shopping, party, etc, that I'm not going to give a reason, and it has nothing to do with them. I think you are correct when you say it's just who you are.

Thanks for posting this - it looks like a really cool book!!

[Savra]

Have you ever read Party of One the Loner's Manifesto (http://www.amazon.com/Party-One-Manifesto-Anneli-Rufus/dp/1569245134/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1212850516&sr=8-1)by Anneli Rufus? Until I read it I thought I was always a little "off" too.

I haven't read it but I will certainly check it out. Thanks. I do think we should all embrace our "offness" (yeah, I think I just made up that word). We can have fun being strange, or off, or wanting to be alone or whatever our quirk is.

[solobiker]

I am pretty uncomfortable in these situations as well. More so with people my age group then with people older then me. What I mean by older is that I am very comfortable talking and spending time with people in there late 70s on up. I feel very uncomfortable with my peers, I have nothing to really talk about that I think they would want to hear. I have gained some confidence over the years but I am still not there yet. I was telling DH that I feel far more comfortable visiting with our neighboor who is in her 80s then our other neighboor who is our age.

[TJ_Relic]

I am pretty uncomfortable in these situations as well. More so with people my age group then with people older then me. What I mean by older is that I am very comfortable talking and spending time with people in there late 70s on up. I feel very uncomfortable with my peers, I have nothing to really talk about that I think they would want to hear. I have gained some confidence over the years but I am still not there yet. I was telling DH that I feel far more comfortable visiting with our neighboor who is in her 80s then our other neighboor who is our age.

Yup. I find I can't relate to the mundane stuff people my age group think or talk about. Except the friends I kept from HS, but of course that's why I kept them, they weren't annoying. The people I relate to best are about 10+ years older than me.

[SlowButSteady]

Solobiker,

Why do you think older people are safe? They are not threatening to you? Because you don't feel as though you have to compete with them on any level?

Just curious.

You can throw me somewhere with a bunch of guys and I can function very well...I'll talk to them about fishing or hunting or football and feel very comfortable.

Trying to make small talk with women is impossible for me. I feel like I have absolutely nothing in common with them and feel totally lost.

?I'm guessing this is because I feel that I have to "compete" somehow with women because I am one? Or is it because I am different from the guys and feel that I have their attention?

[bacarver]

TJrelic - If others could hear what goes on in my head, they would hear a lot of tapes from my childhood. These seem to be stuck and play daily despite my being 48. These messages keep the fears alive. Constant moves/disruption as a kid can interfere with normal growth and development. Can I have a "do-over"!?
The orange bike is a perfect example of "paradoxical intent" in action. Good for you to be so bold!

Slowbutsteady - I can relate to what you mean about interacting with those in your community who know you. I think I know how people view me and I worry about negative opinions/perspectives without having the truth. I want to be liked and I over value the process. This builds barriers that become exhausting to work with. Going to town often wears me out.

Flur - Way to go!!

Savra - I like your new word . . . "offness". Embracing it = self-respect. It's hard to feel good about yourself when this problem is so closely connected to self-esteem.

Solobiker - I am also more comfortable with anyone who isn't viewed as a challenge to me. I rank/rate people as being better than/worse than and this is then translated into my fear. I know this is irrational but it's how my brain thinks.

Thanks for sharing. I hope that we can all be more comfortable this year. We're doing our best. It's not easy living with this, but we are still good people who do good things for others.
I appreciate the responses to this thread. I have felt a sincere concern and honesty from TE.
Barb

[solobiker]

I think what it is for me is I am not into the typical "girly" things. Everyone I share an office with, including the men, are big into shopping, TV, fashion. None of my co-workers are into spending time outdoors. I feel so uncomfortable because someone always comes into work dressed " so cute" and then the conversation lasts for an hour or 2 about where they got there clothing. UGH... I much rather talk about hiking, climbing, riding bikes. I also see them cut down people who aren't fashionable. I know for a fact I would not have my picture on the cover of a fashion magazine. Unless it was what not to do:) But I am okay with that because it seems like they are always trying to keep up with the changes. If I had to chose I am more comforatble talking with men the women.

[malkin]

I think social skills are overrated.

[Skierchickie]

Maybe so, but I need some. Today I had to "have a talk" with one of the students at work. I sort of oversee 8 or so college students in the computer lab, and lately I've been too busy to make myself check up on them much. Well, today one of them came into my office and told me they were all fed up with one of the new guys, basically not doing anything all day. So I summoned up all of my courage and (once I finally tracked him down 2 hours later), tried to somewhat gently tell him to let one of us engineers know whenever he runs out of work. This kid is pretty defensive all the time (over any little pointer you try to give him). He gave me a whole string of "reasons", so I told him I'd heard from several sources that he wasn't being very productive (it turns out all the shop guys have seen the same thing). My heart was racing, I totally lost my train of thought - I really am terrible at this. I ended up so flustered, I'm not sure how I came across. I can only think of the right things to say after the fact - totally can't think on my feet. Anyway, it was really really scarey.:(

I am sooo glad that is over. I'm afraid next I'll have to confront him over his arrogance issues (which I suspect are actually low self esteem). Hopefully it won't come to that, but it will have to if he's going to keep working there.

I definitely see this as one of my bigger issues - avoidance is so much easier. I'd rather climb in a hole than confront anyone.

[Savra]

I think what it is for me is I am not into the typical "girly" things. Everyone I share an office with, including the men, are big into shopping, TV, fashion. None of my co-workers are into spending time outdoors. I feel so uncomfortable because someone always comes into work dressed " so cute" and then the conversation lasts for an hour or 2 about where they got there clothing. UGH... I much rather talk about hiking, climbing, riding bikes. I also see them cut down people who aren't fashionable. I know for a fact I would not have my picture on the cover of a fashion magazine. Unless it was what not to do:) But I am okay with that because it seems like they are always trying to keep up with the changes. If I had to chose I am more comforatble talking with men the women.

LOL - I can relate to this. When I worked in an office I listened to endless conversation dribble about clothes and what was on TV etc. It made me want to bash my head up against the wall. I tried feigning interest but it didn't work. There is really only so much faking one can do over how cool a purse is.

[Crankin]

Don't take this wrong, but social skills are not overrated. In fact, based on my 31 years in education and my husband's 25 years in the software industry, I would say in the end, it's as important or more important than technical skills.
Believe me, I have not liked everyone I've worked with and often couldn't stand the endless talk of kids and babies, even when I had little kids. But, you can't be mean about it! No one wants to hear me talk endlessly about my bike, my average, where I rode last weekend. It's a fine line between "professional" friendliness and being friends. I really don't socialize with people from work anymore. I used to, but I find it's best to keep the spheres separate.
But, you have to be able to talk with people, customers (in my case, parents), and other professionals. It's hard to deliver bad news or give direction, but it's a skill that comes with practice.
I love talking to people in all situations, so advice from me probably means nothing. But a large part of my job as a teacher is teaching social skills. It's amazing to me what some families do not pass on to their kids...

[JaneE]

Anxiety disorders are common, but I feel like an alien at times. I've recently had a very difficult set back after years of doing really well...
Connecting with others helps me feel better.
If anyone is willing to share even if through private messages, I can provide more information.
If not, thanks for listening, TE.

Barb

Hi Barb,

YES! I relate very well to what you're saying. I've been painfully shy my whole life. I guess things have gotten a *little* easier the older I've gotten but in some situations, at least, not by much. :(

A few years ago (well, about 10 years ago) my kids were all entering their teen years and it occurred to me that except for a few friends I had known since grade school I really didn't have much of a social network. My DH traveled a lot with his job and our kids (three boys, including a set of twins) kept me pretty busy and close to home. I was fine with that until I hit me that before long our kids would be grown and gone and if I didn't get out and meet people I'd be sitting alone waiting for the kids to phone home.

So, I basically FORCED myself to join a local quilt guild (my second passion...after biking :)). I was nervous as all get-out and didn't know a soul. Then I FORCED myself to volunteer for a committee or two and did meet some women whom I now consider good friends. The guild-thing only lasted a few years, though. Loved the quilts and many of the people. HATED the politics. Still have the friends, though I haven't been able to talk any of them into becoming bikers, mores the pity. ;)

Guess I always have been and always will be somewhat of a loner and not much of a joiner and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just who I am, though it does bother me once in a while. I suppose it's one reason why I love biking. I like being alone with my thoughts. When I'm out on my bike I think very deep thoughts. LOL! I do look at people I know who are very gregarious and have an easy way with people and wish I could be more like them, though. Life seems to be so much easier for them but then I guess the grass is always greener, right?

Thank goodness for the internet. It's a wonderful way to interact with people you wouldn't otherwise ever know. :)

Jane

[Flur]

It's amazing to me what some families do not pass on to their kids...

I'm sorry but I do take offense. Some people have a harder time with this than others, and it's not because they have inadequate families. That's like saying I can't sing because my mother never taught me to. I can't sing because that was not a gift I was given. I could learn to sing, but it wouldn't come naturally. However, I have plenty of other talents that come naturally to me that don't come naturally to others. Social skills are a talent that some are gifted with and others are not.

[Crankin]

I didn't mean that anyone's social anxiety is caused by parents not teaching social skills. I mean that for average people, without any particular anxiety disorders, there are a lot of parents who think that kids learn social skills by osmosis. There has to be some direct teaching here.
I know that these disorders are things people are born with; it's not the same as kids who think it's OK to be rude, bully, have no manners while eating, make racist remarks, etc. These are things that parents have a responsibility to model.
If a child has noticeable social anxiety, there are things that parents can do to help; therapy, social skills groups, medication. I have seen wonderful outcomes when kids got the help they needed. I just wish parents would pay attention to their kids and notice when there is an issue that could make life difficult for the child.

[tulip]

I'm definitely more of a loner than not. I really have a hard time going to places with alot of people--like the Farmers Market. I love the Farmers Market, but once I get there, I get unfocused and anxious because of all the people. I instinctively seek out people I know, which is the reason, perhaps, that I don't go to the FM in Richmond (I've lived here since August 2007, but I haven't been yet!) I also hate malls and stores. Luckily, I work from home and can do my grocery shopping in the middle of the day when it's pretty empty.

Funny, though, I enjoy giving presentations in front of large groups. I've been told that I'm a good public speaker. I think in those situations, I'm prepared and confident in what I'm talking about, whereas in a spontaneous situation, I have a tiny sense of panic (nothing big, but enough to make me want to flee).

I also feel more comfortable with older people. My SO is 20 years older than me, and this relationship is more open and fulfilling than any I've been in (including a 13-year marriage that became problematic over the years--my ex is a musician and very sociable and had a large circle of friends and was always having folks over and going to parties and gigs--stuff you have to do as a musician; I just couldn't participate comfortably).

Throughout my life, my shyness/whatever has been interpreted as snobbery. I used to really care about that, but now I've relaxed a bit more. If someone thinks I'm snooty because I tend to hang back, well, that's their view.

[Skierchickie]

I get unfocused and anxious because of all the people

Wow - I know exactly what you mean. I get really anxious and almost tunnel-visioned. Feel like running away. I went through this recently at a local outdoor gear swap. Stuff all on tables in a room, and people roaming everywhere, heading every direction - it seemed like chaos, even though there were probably about 30 people in the room. I thought I'd explode, I was so anxious. Felt trapped at every turn.

[emily_in_nc]

I have been working with some of the same people for years and years, and yet I find myself nervous about going to ask them a question (work-related). I am more comfortable with email or IM since I don't feel that I'm intruding/interrupting as much.

I also hate making phone calls and public speaking (avoid it at all costs). I am terrified of entertaining and rarely do it.

Yet in the right circumstances, with people I'm comfortable with in a social or work setting, I come off as the life of the party, crack jokes, laugh a lot, and most would *not* consider me an introvert. I come across as social and friendly, but I do have social anxiety, no doubt about it.

I was a very shy child. Painfully so. I'm much less that way now, but still have my triggers.

Emily

[Aggie_Ama]

I was a painfully shy child and am still a reserved adult when I am not amongst friends. This makes me seem stuck up but I do not feel I am. I have gone as far as to avoid people I know casually at the store or not seek out someone at an event. I am not great with breaking into a group and therefore have a very small group of friends. Most of my friends took months to become a friend. Even then I feel as though my friends aren't as close as other people's friends. Much like Emily I can come off as the life of the party with our group of friends (mostly ones I know through DH) but one on one I am still uncomfortable. I struggle with eye contact and feel very fidgety. I am thankfully comfortable in a professional situation.

Oddly my parents and brother are incredibly outgoing. They never seem to have discomfort starting a conversation with a perfect stranger. My dad is a little like me but my mom and brother could have a rousing conversation with a tree.

[SlowButSteady]

I'm thinking of seeing a hypnotist for social anxiety (among other things). Does anyone have any experience with this?

[Tuckervill]

I went to a medical hypnotherapist to reset my mind about weight loss. PM me and I'll give you her info. She's in Phoenix, and it was worth the trip. I became convinced after a couple I know traveled there with their adult daughter and all three quit smoking in one session.

I've found that the self-hypnosis she taught me has been essential to my success. But, if you already meditate, you'd have a leg up on me. I went because I believe you can just "change your mind", but accessing that place where you "decide" is sometimes hard to do. She helped me access that place.

Karen

[solobiker]

[QUOTE=Crankin;327525]Don't take this wrong, but social skills are not overrated. In fact, based on my 31 years in education and my husband's 25 years in the software industry, I would say in the end, it's as important or more important than technical skills.
Believe me, I have not liked everyone I've worked with and often couldn't stand the endless talk of kids and babies, even when I had little kids. But, you can't be mean about it! No one wants to hear me talk endlessly about my bike, my average, where I rode last weekend. It's a fine line between "professional" friendliness and being friends. I really don't socialize with people from work anymore. I used to, but I find it's best to keep the spheres separate.
But, you have to be able to talk with people, customers (in my case, parents), and other professionals. It's hard to deliver bad news or give direction, but it's a skill that comes with practice.
I love talking to people in all situations, so advice from me probably means nothing. But a large part of my job as a teacher is teaching social skills. It's amazing to me what some families do not pass on to their kids...[/QU

I would have to say that social skills are not overrated either. I don't have problems with that in a work situation dealing with work issues. It is just rather annoying when one has to spend most of their days with people they have nothing in common with. I work full time so I spend more of my week at work then I do at home. I work with people that do not have similar interests as I do and vice versa. Therefore it is hard to join into their conversations. I also don't really talk what I have done over the weekend because I usually just get the rolling eyes or some other immature behavior. That is where the social issues arise. They are often immature and often exclude others from their conversations. I share a very small office and therapy gym with 8 other people so it is not like I only see them for a little bit during the day. I just need to let things go. I have gotten beter about it.

[northstar]

Wow, so interesting to read the responses to this thread. I see a lot of commonalities here between what I experience and what many others mention. Avoiding so much...I have left many workshops/classes before they started because I felt totally overwhelmed and terrified...like someone might discover that I'm not perfect. It ebbs and flows, but was probably the most debilitating when I was in college. My doc prescribed citalopram, which helped a LOT. I remember walking on campus one day, shortly after starting the medication and just feeling - different - and I realized that I was walking with my head up and making eye contact with people. I could actually SEE the world instead of hiding from it. I have not used it since college, but wouldn't hesitate to go back to it if I really felt it was needed.

It's particularly challenging because 1) most people see me as very successful and together, have no clue that I struggle this way, and 2) I'm married to an extremely extroverted person. My DH would go to EVERY social event he's invited to, not to mention a lot of them he's not! Fortunately, he is very gentle in trying to understand when I have a rough day. He still doesn't understand my total terror of being embarrassed, even over the tiniest thing, but he handles it well.

Anyway, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has a hard time with this.