hubby

[bikeforlife]

i know a lot you you women have great husbands that let you ride till your hearts content. but what do you do with a husband that does not like you riding at all?

i mean he says you will get killed and you dont know what your doing or what if somthing happens or the best one of all "it will take you to long to get back"

i just dont know what to do or say to him. maybe i should find a new husband or get a boyfriend on the side that likes to bike like me. what do ya think.?

[Irulan]

He's probably very concerned for your safety but maybe can't communicate it very well.

If it were me I'd directly ask, ( it's amazing how many people won't be direct) and then let him know what all you are doing to be safe, and ask what else you can do (besides not riding) that would ease his discomfort.

Irulan

[ACG]

You and I can sit for hours about this. E-mail me directly if you like.

While mine doesn't come out and see he doesn't like it, he often has the same comments. I think it is the time away from him that he doesn't like. I've often point blank asked him about it and he denies it. He did try to bike with me and got hit by a car. (Still recooperating). I had to stop riding to take care of him, I was really depressed at that time.

I go in the early a.m. I start at 5:15 or 5:30 and am gone for an hour, this is my ritual. On weekends I go for 2-3 hours. I'm not into mileage as much as I like to ride hills somedays, flat land other days, etc. I'm planning on training for a century once my new bike comes in. My girls are way more understanding that dad is, the encourage me sometimes to go. It is funny if I'm in a foul mood they say "Mom go ride your bike for an hour, it'll improve your mood"

I cycle, this is what I do, period. I've never had anything before that I felt so dedicated in doing, so this is a first for him. I thrive when I cycle. I come home with a smile from ear to ear.

I don't know what to tell you, encourage him to go with you, encourage him to take up a hobby that he can do when you are gone. Tell him, this is your focus, ask him to be supportive.

[Maine-iac]

I'd have to agree with that advice. Asking directly may be the way to go and definately talk about it. We all react differently to our fears. My significant has gotten better about the fear of my riding which I think was hard because I'd already had a very severe and life threatening accident. I explain how I ride to protect myself and how I react to different situations that occur.
Good luck and be glad he is concerened despite how it comes across. Let him know you appreciate his concern.

[maryellen]

hey, it's not just hubbies. My partner (a woman) does not like my cycling. She's made her peace with it (I think!) because she sees how happy cycling makes me, but it's not her preference for me.

reasons:
1) fear that something will happen to me (yeah, I am a klutz). As a result, when I ended up in an ER after a crash last year, I asked the police *not* to contact her (I was sure I was ok and thought it was better to call myself and say, hi, I had a fall, but the CT scan is fine).
2) I bike on weekends, the only time we really have together.
The reality is that she is a bit of a couch potato. If I'm not out biking, I'd be running errands, etc. She really wants me to sit with her and watch tv or something-- that's not gonna happen even if I'm not biking.
3) like any new enthusiast, perhaps I go on and on about my rides, my bike, etc. a bit?????

The irony is that part of the reason I started biking was that I was looking for an activity we could do together. She has a very demanding job and I thought if we planned to go on group bike rides together, if she had to go to work at the last minute, I could still go on the ride without any resentment.

She used to bike and even has two bikes. We have biked together on vacation last year (we've been together 11 years but I only learned to ride last year). It went well, though she isn't quite as interested as I am in long rides, shall we say!

A developing situation. But I gotta ride.

[Irulan]

I don't ever mean to be exclusionary if I use the term hubby instead of a more generic term... as you long as you have some one to love, I don't really care who's got whom. I myself will try to be more sensitive!!

Irulan

[Maine-iac]

I've certainly not taken offense. I actually ended up getting a "knock around" bike so I could go out with my partner in a very lowkey situation. She'll never be INTO cycling let alone addicted to speed or the road. I think it was a good thing.

[Mocha Mom]

bikeforlife -

That's a bit of a bummer that hubby isn't quite "on board" with you and biking. I would have to agree with one of the other posts to ask him directly why he doesn't like it. May or may not get an answer. I've found that being direct and honest is the best for my husband and I.

Is there anything that he does that's his "thing?" For instance - my husband loves to waterski and I love volleyball... so, we watch each other do our things and it's a little give and take. Luckily for us, we both like to bike - we have a tandem.

Hope it all works out for you and hubby!!:)

[Pedal Wench]

Arghh.

I had an ex-husband who would do a similar thing. I had to beg and plead to have 45 minutes to do some exercise, alone, in the basement - not even outside of the house. He just couldn't deal with me wanting to do something without him, and became real resentful, and would sabotage my efforts. I finally resorted to locking the door. I gave up when he would use his cellphone (from upstairs) to call the house and wait for me to pick up just to say,'I LUUUUUV you - when are you coming upstairs!' Arghhh. He had to GO. Now, I'm with a man who rides, supports and encourages my habit (I think he's getting me a bunch of jerseys and bike stuff for my birthday tomorrow!!!!) and helps me clear out my schedule so that I can ride - alone! He's the best. I'm gonna let this one STAY!

[Steph_in_TX]

Definitely talk to him about it. I used to be the one who was afraid for my husband's saftey and didn't want him to take off on these hours long rides. Granted I had a three month old at the time and probably still had major hormones, fear of raising this child alone, tired of being the one to take care of her all the time by myself, etc., but it was a fear I couldn't get over. I told him how I felt and he was sensitive about it and just went for shorter rides at first or rode with a friend, which made me happier, and tired to go early in the morning before the baby was up. It didn't take me long to get used to it, I guess since he kept coming home in one piece. He even encouraged me to get a bike and ride, too. I started on a hybrid with a trailer for the kiddo, but quickly decided I wanted something lighter for solo rides and got a road bike. Hopefully, you'll find a happy place where you can ride and he can either be happy about it or just get over it.

Good luck!

[fasteryet]

bikeforlife- just wondering if he's like this just with cycling or with other interests of yours. If it's only the cycling, then I agree with everyone else about reassuring him, etc. But if it's all your other passions, too, maybe it's time to talk to someone professional. Is he a control freak in general? Not to be melodramatic, but will your biking lead him to become abusive? Just something to ponder...

[bounceswoosh]

but will your biking lead him to become abusive?

Just a syntax change here, though I know what you meant. Her biking can't lead him to become abusive. His own personality and need for control might.

I know this should go without saying, but I'll say it anyway: your activities don't cause someone to abuse you. If your s.o. is that sort of jealous control freak, they will find an excuse for "why" they need to control you, no matter how innocuous what you're doing is.

But hopefully, this isn't the sort of situation bikeforlife has to contend with. Hopefully, her hubby is either run-of-the-mill needy or concerned for her safety. Though needy can be draining, too.

(What's with this "it'll take too long to get back" business? Too long in relation to what? Do you leave for days at a time?)

[bikeforlife]

thank you all for your coments i know he is just worried and protective. i think a lot of it is me but it is hard sometimes to not get mad at him when he tells me all this stuff. and i do understand ACG it looks like our hubbys at about the same and by the way i did try to e-mail you but you dont allow e-mails to be sent to you on this forum

thanks again ladies

[Trek420]

bikeforlife wrote "what do you do with a husband that does not like you riding at all?"

I'm glad someone brought this back up (see link below for old thread) . No worries about taking the "hubby" thing personal at all. I'm a single gal, and gay. My ex rode (not as much as I) but now...back in the dating pool (everybody, no running in the dating pool!) sorry, bad pun, groan

Sure are a lot of couch spuds out there and the ones who do work out have this same fear (you'll get hurt) of cycling. It's become something I'll ask before even agreeing to go out on a date is "do you bike?". When I explain, "this is my hobby, this is what I like to, need to do" I've been told "I think you have a couple screws loose" ;-)

more on this subject at an old thread
http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=985&highlight=relationships

[kpc]

My husband doesn't do much in the way of riding, and used to whine about my going out to ride. We seem to have found a peace though. When he starts i remind him of his fun, for example meeting his high school friends for guy nights. And I'm in a groove for weekend mornings, he just expects I will be gone for a few hours. If I'm doing something different I warn him a few times in advance that I will be gone. I think it helps him feel like he has some control. If my going out will put obligations onto him, such as watching grandkids alone, I actually ask way ahead and let him say no. He is usually positive now.

[bounceswoosh]

This and a few other threads make me realize how great my s.o. (happens to be male) is. My husband is very supportive of all of my wacky pursuits, from martial arts to skiing to mountain biking ... even though he doesn't want to get involved in actually practicing martial arts, he thinks it's cool that I do/have done so.

Everyone's relationship needs are different, but I would suffocate in a relationship where I didn't have a great deal of freedom to do what I need to do. There's a great big world out there just full of experiences, and I think it would be a shame to miss out on something fun. As far as I can tell, you just don't get another chance ...

[ragbrai40]

My husband has never given me a hard time about riding, he's been very supportive. He's never said too much about my long weekend rides (I try to do them in the mornings so the rest of the day is free) or about the evenings I ride and dinner is late getting started, or he makes it himself.

The only issue was when I bought my road bike. I traded in a stationary bike (bought from the LBS) and sold some stock in order to justify the cost. He blinked several times when he saw *the bill*, but now I think he realizes that it was a good investment.

This past summer, on my request he agreed to train and ride RAGBRAI with me. He borrowed his brother's bike, trained and completed the ride. Unfortunately the borrowed bike started to have mechanical issues 1/2 way through the ride and he had a couple of very tough riding days as a result. One of our friends riding with us had an extra bike that he was able to use and the rest of the ride was great.

In fact he's been looking at road bikes for himself. Except he CAN'T get one better than mine, or I'm trading up! :D

The point of this long post is that before he rode he didn't understand my biking passion but supported it, but now that he's ridden, we've found something that we both enjoy and can do together.

There might be a future thread about "creating a monster", but for now it's hopeful optimism that this will work! ;)

[Trek420]

a question for the TE'rs with husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, partners oh heck...SIGNIFICANT OTHERS who support your bike habit....how many have considered making the jump to tandem?

Seperate bikes so you can leave 'em in the dust or the togetherness of a tandem? :p :rolleyes: :cool: :D

[ragbrai40]

We always thought about a tandem, that is until we rode together this summer! There is no way we'd survive!

Gotta have my own bike to do my own thing!


Seperate bikes so you can leave 'em in the dust
More truth in that than you know! ;) I'm sure once he gets his *own* bike things will be different!

[emily_in_nc]

We had ridden a tandem 12+ years ago and liked it very much; however, I didn't even ride a single then. Got out of the bike thing for years, then finally back again two years ago. I was still slower than hubby, so we bought a high-end whiz-bang tandem last summer to complement our single bikes.

What a disaster! Neither of us liked it, though we could go very fast and beat all our training buddies, even uphill! But hubby didn't like having to call out every little stop, shift change, turn, hill, etc., and I didn't like not being able to see in front of me ONE BIT after being used to riding my own bike. I also didn't like not being able to brake and shift when I wanted to. Girl's gotta have some control, I guess! ;)

We did ride a flat century on the tandem last fall and did very well, then hung it up in our garage where it sat until this summer. We just had no desire to ride it, but were riding our singles (both together and apart) as often as we could. Finally, I put it up on eBay and sold it. It was an experiment that failed.

However, we know many tandeming couples who love it and many don't even desire to ride singles any more. But it is not the answer for all - and we've been married for 19 years so are pretty darn compatible in other ways!

It's an expensive mistake to make since you'll never get all your money back selling it (we lost $1500 even though we had < 300 miles on it), so if you can find one to rent or borrow for more than one ride, it will give you a better idea if taking the plunge will work for you. Tandems aren't cheap, especially good ones that you'll actually want to ride.

Emily

[Veronica]

We bought a tandem after doing our first century on our mountain bikes with slicks because we got passed by so many tandems on the ride! We had the tandem for almost a year before I bought a single. A couple of months later, Thom bought a single as well. We like having a choice about what kind of riding we'll do. We mix it up a lot, sometimes mountain biking, sometimes singles, sometimes the tandem.

Once bad weather comes, Thom's single goes into the trainer (we both ride 54 cm Rivs.) It works for us.

Veronica

[maryellen]

My partner thought we should rent a tandem on vacation--her theory was that I could provide all the power and she could just hang out and steer. Given some basic difficulties in communication, I suspect a tandem ride would result in a tandem crash very quickly!

[Veronica]

Ahh, the basic tandem misconception. :p Nobody should be just hanging out. Usually I'm the stoker when Thom and I ride. But I did a women's only ride with a friend and learned to captain. Personally I found it kind of stressful, no matter who was stoking for me - Thom or my friend. Both were amazingly supportive, but I was really aware that if the bike got dumped, I would be at fault. Plus I don't really think about downshifting too much when stopping on my single. It's a must for a tandem. And my stops and starts were never as smooth as I would have liked. It was a good experience and I would do it again for that ride. It's good to get out of your comfort zone every now and then.

Communication is a must on the tandem. Thom doesn't tell me about any bumps. I told him to stop. I have a Thudbuster seat post and a Brooks saddle. Between the two I don't feel very many bumps. We have a lot of nonverbal communication that goes on. I think it's because we're about the same size. He shifts at about the same time I would. I can see over his shoulder so I can anticipate stops. And I try to ride with what I think of as a light touch on the pedals. That doesn't mean not putting in any effort, but rather being responsive to any sudden changes he makes.

Veronica

[MomOnBike]

I didn't realize how lucky I am with my husband. He bought Walter (Raleigh Gran Prix) for me on our 1st anniversery - and then, when I smoked him on his old bike, went out and bought himself something he could keep up on.

20-some odd years later we both own and ride the same bikes, both together and seperately. We go out to dinner, movies, concerts in the park and just ride to ride.

He commutes on his bicycle. I work at home but do errand-running with Walter.

I was blissfully unaware that something I love to do and is good for me could be a problem. Call me naive.

After much consideration, we will not be getting a tandem in this lifetime. Our biking styles are just too different. I need more control over where I'm going and he gets lost too easily. Also, as much as I like to look at his backside :p , I prefer a view of the road when out and about. Not to mention a difference in cadence. Nope, wouldn't work.

Gee, I guess I'm bragging, I didn't mean to. As in all relationships, we have our rough moments (duh!), they just aren't bike related.

Just remember that it's easier to get forgiveness than permission. And enjoy the ride - tandem or otherwise.

[Tek]

No offense ladies, but you have just given me more reasons why I never want to get married or even have a live-in lover.

I couldn't not deal with that. I love my independence far too much!

[kpc]

Doesn't offend! Everyone has to pick their own style. Single can be excellent too. To my taste, with a partner or single, doesn't matter so much as my own state of mind.

[bounceswoosh]

Tek -- believe me, all significant others are not created equal. Staying single is infinitely better than being hitched to the wrong person, but there are a few rare folks out there who really do have a positive impact. Now, whether that's "better" than being single -- that I can't say. It's just a matter of trade-offs.

Anyway, as if anyone asked me, I'd say that going out looking for a s.o. is the wrong way to go about things -- but if you happen to meet someone who works well for you, well, that can be a good thing.

[Maine-iac]

I'd love to do the tandem thing, but my S.O. just isn't a bike lover. We both have things we like independently and have similar interests as well. She can sit on the beach for hours----I hate the sand and can't sit still long enough...good time for a ride. Later we can meet up for a hike or poking aroud the antique stores. Makes a good balance for us..time together and time alone.

[ChainsOflove]

I can't even believe this thread!! God bless Singledom

[Trek420]

ChainsOflove wrote "God bless Singledom"

I agree, it's much better being single than being in a bad relationship. I also don't think it helps to beat oneself over the head and shoulders about being single, but to enjoy the freedom allowed.

I'm lucky to have good friends including workout buddies. Unfortunately or fortunately whichever.... my workout partners are allmost all straight, both the men and women. In martial arts, my other activity is almost alllllllll men and I'm just "one of the guys". My dates (women) have been most all sedentary in lifestyle (one told me she thought I have "two screws loose" because I ride...no second date for her!) or if active much less so than I. It would be ideal to share activities interests with ones SO, but that takes time, or luck or both . Check out related thread, so thrilling when that happens in a family:

http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1610

it seems easier to balance different interests (you adventure race, the love of your life knits) within an established partnership I think and harder early on unless your SO is extroardinarily patient, empathatic. :rolleyes:

[maryellen]

how true--when my partner and I got together, we both worked very long hours. I got off that track and pursued a career with a saner life style. Hard to imagine how it would work if we were just meeting now, when I dash off on my bike at the first opportunity each weekend!

[Adventure Girl]

My husband Robert is an avid motorcyclist (sport bikes/road racing/track days – not cruiser/harley type). It can be very dangerous and he has been hospitalized a few times – twice very seriously. But he takes all precautions. His bikes are always 100% maintained and safe, and he wears state-of-the-art protective gear (leather riding suit with body armor, gloves, helmet, boots). I'm always worried when he rides and races. He knows this and does everything in his power to ease my fears. He stays in contact with me (cell phone calls) as much as he can. And he never makes me worry unnecessarily.

I try to do the same thing for him when I'm out riding. (What's more dangerous? 150+ MPH in leather gear or 30+ MPH in lycra?) He always knows where I'm riding and when to expect me. I call whenever I'm delayed for any reason.

I would never ask him to stop riding his motorcycle and he would never ask me to stop cycling. To be honest, he wouldn't be the same man if he quit (same for me).

The funny thing is that he contributes to a motorcycle riders' forum. And this exact same subject has come up. "How do I get my wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend to let me ride?" To me it isn't a matter of "letting me ride" or "letting him ride". It's a matter of choosing the right partner in the first place. I would have more "freedom" if I was single, but it wouldn't be a good trade-off. The cost of that freedom would be losing my biggest fan and greatest supporter (for support on or off the bike!) No thanks!

[SnappyPix]

Just reading through this thread.
Can't imagine how I'd cope if my s.o wasn't into fitness and cycling as much as me.
It's a pretty good feeling when you both get back after a long ride (and luckily, we're both equally matched in terms of pace and ability) (and most other things actually!) and you just stand there grinning at one another cos you're both on a high.
And having someone to mooch round a bike store with, who doesn't mind looking at stuuuuuuuff for 3 hours and coming back either empty handed, or loaded to the hilt!
Guess I've taken it all for granted - never really thought about how I'd cope with a couch potato.
I honestly don't think I'd cope! I'll often toddle off and do my own thing, either to the gym or on my bike, but wouldn't want to do it all the time. Company is nice.

[SnappyPix]

Sorry, didn't mean that to come across as being so conceited.
Apologies.
Just appreciating what I have I guess. Didn't mean to be obnoxious.

[bentforlife]

I feel the same way. Even though my husband and I have different hobbies, his, computers and sailboating and mine, music and biking. I would never think about asking him to quit and he doesn't ask me to quit. It is so neat when he comes home and has won a race or had a good time teaching about sailboating. And biking gives me the alone time I need sometimes to get rid of stress from the job. Besides it gives our daughters a good look at a partnership that can be diverse and still be strong-23 years married.

I hope you can find a solution.

Donna

[kimba]

Well- my hubby and I used to be the same way- we had so many shared interests.

Now- he just wants to sit on the couch and watch the big screen.

He eats a bag of cookies or chips a night.

When I first met him, he was a cyclist - I just messed around on my bike- he rode centuries! I fell in love with his legs....awesome...

he was the first guy I'd ever seen wear cycling shorts...real ones - with a real leather chamois.
His Fuji 12 speed - wow! a 12 speed- people then had just gotten into 10 speeds - cost him a grand at the time...
he was hard core.

Now - we've both had phases on and off the bike...
he trashed the front fork of the Fuji about 12 years ago and never got it fixed. It has pride of place in the shed though...we still have it.

I bought him a bike last Xmas - a mountain bike... a sturdy mountain bike to deal with his now Clydesdale physique. big 2.25 tires...but the frame is more diamond shaped, and bigger since he uses it mostly to ride to work.

He won't even consider riding with me. Singletrack - forget it!

I was stunned when he decided to do the Heart and Stroke 50 k ride with me...

Anyway- my last resort is to get my gearhead friend- to take a look at the Fuji- see what it needs to be refurbished-
and then go online to find replacement parts...

It's so tough- I want to ride with someone- sometimes it's so hard to get out on the bike by myself...but I can't compete with the tube...

Kimba
I hear ya...<shakes head sadly> I sooooo hear ya....