Question about condolences etiquette

[LBTC]

Hi, ladies

My co-worker's mom passed away last night, so he was not at work today. She had been in hospital for a month and had just gone home.

As the administrative assistant in the department it is up to me to send flowers, or what not.

I'm afraid I'm pretty shakey on the rules of etiquette.

I'd like to find out from him if they want flowers or prefer donation to a specific charity. I'll be asking him tomorrow....but if we go for flowers how do I handle it?

Do I send the flowers to my co-worker's home, or to his dad's home, where his mom passed away? Do we send a card with the flowers only, or do we give my co-worker a card when he returns to work, too?

Any of your thoughts on the best way to professionally handle this sensitive matter would be appreciated!

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[whippetgirl]

If you decide to send flowers: You might want to ask if there will be a memorial service or funeral service and then send flowers (with card) to the place where the service will take place.

[SadieKate]

There might be an obit in the paper tomorrow with the name of a funeral home. The obit or the funeral home may be have information about flowers or donations.

[Deborajen]

Sending flowers either to the coworker's home or to the funeral home would be appropriate. Where I work, it's a small group (20 people) and we keep things fairly personal, so we've sent flowers or a plant and also a card (passed around the office and signed) to the coworker's home. If a funeral or memorial will be held out of town, though, it might be more appropriate to send the flowers and card to the funeral location (delivery arrangements are usually easier - you can arrange delivery in time for the service when someone is sure to be there).

Deb

[Mr. Bloom]

I agree that sending to the funeral is best. If you send something to the home, I encourage it to be a living plant, not cut flowers.

I would avoid anything presented in the work environment because he may still be a little shaky emotionally...and men don't like to cry at work - regardless of how justified it may be.

[Bikingmomof3]

If you end up sending flowers, send them to the funeral home.

[SouthernBelle]

Ditto on the funeral home. If the family has a preference for something different, it will be stated in the obit.

[gilly]

Hi Girls,
Allowing for the fact I'm from the UK and so things may be different between us ;)
Here, we would send flowers to the co-worker - we'd be sending our condolences to him for the loss of his Mother, we don't know the rest of his family. Wouldn't even ask about the charity bit - all we're doing is saying 'Hey there friend, we're thinking of you as you go through this rough time'

Hope this doesn't add to your dilema :o

[SadieKate]

Gilly, do you never see obits there that state "in lieu of flowers, please send donations to XXXXXX"?

There are lots of reasons why the family or the person may not want flowers.

[gilly]

Gilly, do you never see obits there that state "in lieu of flowers, please send donations to XXXXXX"?

There are lots of reasons why the family or the person may not want flowers.

Absolutely, yes. But the obit isn't usually in the paper, say the day after a death (here anyway).
I wasn't viewing this as 'should you send flowers to a collegues parents funeral' I'm reading this; our colleague has just lost his parent, lets just let him know we're thinking of him. And here, no, a company wouldn't send flowers or donate to a charity for a person not actually employed by the company... if you see what I mean :-)
My Husband lost his Father in November, his colleagues from the same department sent him some flowers and a card - he much appreciated the thought. But it would have seemed 'odd' if his company/department had sent a donation to the chosen charity.
I did say we're maybe different over here :D

[SadieKate]

I think it's not just a difference in national cultures, but also in company cultures. I've known companies to send a donation because that is what the family (and therefore the co-worker) asked but would always send a card to the co-worker. It is not uncommon for the family to be traveling very soon and the flowers stay behind and die. I know that the majority of the flowers sent to my family immediately upon a member's death were taken to residents of the facility, so the flowers weren't around for the family anyway. Simply no room for them all, but plants are always good because they last and have less chance of causing an allergic reaction.

One way to find out without the obit is to simply ask the co-worker with the closest emotional ties to call and ask. It's certainly not rude. If all else fails, the boss can call (if they're a good boss).

[Grog]

If there is any mention of "in lieu of flower, please give to..." I would NOT send flowers, even as a thought to the co-worker. Many people dislike the idea of using all those flowers (environmental concerns) and would much more appreciate the donation as a thought. A friend's brother died recently and although none of us knew his brother many made donations to the charities they identified (mainly environmental funds). Our friend was tremendously grateful. Flowers would have shown a nice "thought" but would have been completely against their values.

This being said, a card sent to the co-worker's home, signed by everyone in his close work environment if possible, would look like a good idea to me (but not another card upon the person's return).

So basically: I think you can have the card circulating in the office and send it, and wait for the obit for further instructions, like whether or not to send flowers, which should go directly to the funeral home (IMO).

Good luck...

[SadieKate]

Well said, Grog.

[Deanna]

This may seem a little impersonal, but some companies have guidelines in their personnel manual for sending condolences. Check with your HR department for guidance. My company chose to send a donation to the hospice when my mother in law passed away, which was much more appreciated than flowers.

[LBTC]

Thank you all for your ideas and input!

I have now spoken to my co-worker - he called in to ask about who in town can increase the size of a photograph. I told him to let us know if there is anything we can help with in any way, and I asked him if they will be asking for donations to a charity instead of flowers. He's got a good sense of humour. He asked me if I could write the eulogy! But, yes, I could hear that he was getting choked up so kept the conversation short. He said that they will be choosing a charity and he'll let me know.

I will go out and find a nice card and have the group sign it. Actually, I think I should do that right now.

If you have any more suggestions, please do let me know.

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[Pedal Wench]

One nice thing you could do is get a tree planted in her name. I've always thought that was a nice alternative to flowers, especially if no charity is selected.

[ace]

Because this conversation strayed into cultural differences regarding funeral rituals, I thought I would point out that it is not generally a good idea to send flowers when someone Jewish dies- it is not generally done in our culture, though it's not against "the rules." My family is not particularly religious, but I have never seen any flowers at the funerals of any of my many extended family members.

We also generally don't take flowers to graves- we place stones there instead. Here's a bit of an explanation from About.com:

A. Jewish law demands immediate burial. At the most, Jews should be buried within three days of their death. Non-Jews tend to keep their dead for longer periods before burial.

Historically, to offset odor from the decaying body, non-Jews often used flowers and spices. Due to the immediacy of burial in Jewish practice, flowers and spices were not needed at Jewish funerals. Furthermore, the absence of flowers at Jewish funerals became a way to distinguish between Jewish practice and non-Jewish practice. Thus, it became customary to discourage flowers at Jewish funerals.

Despite the custom of flowerless funerals, Jewish Law in no way forbids flowers at funerals. So today there are Jews who do welcome flowers at funerals. And in Israel today, many people place flowers on graves, particularly in military cemeteries.

[mcoleman]

Most funeral homes also have websites that will have information available before the paper comes out with the obit.