how to deal with the death of a fellow cyclist [Archive]

Triskeliongirl

10-01-2006, 11:21 AM

WOW. This is a tough one, but I'll take a crack. First of all, I don't know you, and I know nothing about what happened, how close you were to this person, etc., so I think what you need to do reach out to other real in the flesh people that are close to you, and ask for their help. Maybe others that were also on the ride or close to the cyclist that was killed. I imagine there are different emotions you need to deal with, the loss of a friend, the in your face reminder that our sport has its dangers, etc. While I have never experienced what you have, I have had my own bad cycling accident, as did my husband. We got over the fear of cycling again by learning from our accidents, and coming up with a set of rules for how we can continue. These are things like biking more defensively, not riding in rain or darkness, taking descents cautiosly, stuff like that. Regardless of who was 'at fault' in any situation, one can always learn from all accidents, and decide on a set of cycling behaviors that can at least reduce the risk. I am really sorry you are going through this, but I think you need to turn to the people that are truly close to you, and ask them to help you get through this.

silver

10-01-2006, 11:40 AM

thank you so much. Actually, my husband did comfort me and he suggested that I get on my forums and reach out. I usually ride alone and this was an organized group ride. I don't really know other cyclists. I had been riding alone and these three men came up behind me and encouraged me to try to stay with them. We were chatting and they were pulling me along. We had all exchanged names and pleasantries. So I didn't know them well at all.

Brandy

10-01-2006, 11:42 AM

Wow silver...I am so sorry. I can only imagine that it would be a difficult thing to deal with, even not knowing the man well. :( My thoughts go out to his family and friends and I hope that you can process this.

tprevost

10-01-2006, 12:15 PM

oh my goodness, what a terrible thing to have happen! I feel so terrible anytime something like this happens to anyone; let alone someone you were riding with.

I don't have any great wisdom for you but am sending thoughts and prayers to you and the cyclist's family.

Trac'

silver

10-01-2006, 12:17 PM

Please be sure that your riding buddies have your SO's cell phone number and what hospital that your insurance prefers. Or have this info in or on your bike. We couldn't locate the wife and had to drive to the wife's parent's house to get her cell phone number.

esther231

10-01-2006, 12:22 PM

I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. Just sending a hug to you. I'm keeping you and his family in my thoughts.

Heartbreaking.

Triskeliongirl

10-01-2006, 12:22 PM

Hi Silver, maybe if you tell us more about what actually happened, that will help. Then we can all learn something from this unfortunate incident. Was this a club ride or event? What was the name of the group? How exactly did the accident happen? Even when out riding alone, its always good to leave a map of your planned route with someone, and of course one should always carry emergency contact info., insurance card, etc., although in a real emergency you are ideally brought to the best facility, trauma center, etc. to deal with your injuries. -e

silver

10-01-2006, 12:41 PM

It was an event put on by the local bicycling group. It's a big annual event here. We were riding the 100k. It was a beautiful day, bright and sunny, (I guess it still is just a sad one now) We were about 40 miles into the ride. He had gone down a nice hill was probably going about 25 to 30. The car was travling in the opposite direction also down a hill. The accident happened in the valley. The car turned left into the rider. It appeared that he had his turn signal on. He said that he never saw the cyclist. It's possible that the sun was in his eyes. It appeared that this was close to the driver's home. His family was there pretty quick. He probably turns left onto this road all the time and maybe turned in pretty fast without carefully looking, but I'm just guessing, I didn't see it happen.

The car was a yellow jeep wrangler. There was no damage to the jeep except the windshield was smashed. It appears that he slid up the hood into the windshield and then was thrown to the ground. It did not appear that his injuries were going to be life threatening to me, but maybe your mind just doesn't want to believe. He was responsive at one point and said his chest hurt and his breathing was labored. I would guess that maybe his ribs were fractured and that maybe they punctured his heart and certainly his lungs.

He was wearing a helmet and a bright yellow jersey there should have been plenty of visibility.

jobob

10-01-2006, 01:13 PM

I'm really sorry this happened to you, silver, and I hope you can get back on the bike and enjoy cycling again soon.

And thanks for the reminder to carry emergency contact information.

Your experience really brings home the fact that we should never assume that drivers can see us.

That's why I always wave at drivers at intersections to try to get some sort of acknowledgement that they see me, although granted that's really difficult to do going downhill at a high rate of speed.

Bad JuJu

10-01-2006, 01:24 PM

Oh, I'm so sorry, for you, the rider, his family, your family, the whole group. It does sound like one of those things that happens when a motorist is too familiar with the route and just does things reflexively, but who really knows other than the driver himself. Makes me think about a fast descent I was doing yesterday and thinking about how I might be in trouble if I had to take evasive action at that speed. Cyclist or motorist--none of us can afford to get too complacent.

BleeckerSt_Girl

10-01-2006, 02:19 PM

How truly awful.

Perhaps one way you and his cycling friends could do something positive from this terrible experience- you could perhaps present an essay or article to the local papers about motorist/bicycle safety and awareness? Perhaps combine it with a short biography of the cyclist with his photo. YOu could run this idea by his family and see if they agree. It might even save a life somehow one day, if lots of people read it.

Python

10-01-2006, 02:32 PM

I'm so sorry. What a terrible thing to happen:(

We are here for you. There are so many different emotions you and the other riders will go through once the initial shock starts to wear off.

Emotions like deep sorrow. Anger. Frustration at the unfairness of it all. The feeling of relief i.e. "it could have been me", then guilt that you are alive and the man you were out riding with is dead. So many different, and difficult, emotions to deal with.

It is all part of the healing process. I know. I've been there (different circumstances).

You are in my thoughts.

Bikingmomof3

10-01-2006, 02:43 PM

Oh my goodness! I am so sorry. I do not have any words of wisdom here. (((((((Silver))))))))

DarcyInOregon

10-01-2006, 03:18 PM

What a terrible tragedy. It is what we all fear when we get on the bike.

In Oregon, there have been bicyclists killed this year, just like you described. The biker is doing everything right, and a car will make a turn into a drive or side street without looking and run over the cyclist. The motorist always claims the sun was in their eyes. I don't get it. I really don't. When I am driving, if the sun blinds me, I certainly don't make any turns until I can see what I am doing and where I am going. So I don't understand this explanation as to why a driver kills a biker.

And I don't understand how we can protect ourselves against people who drive while being blinded by the sun. Are there any solutions?

Anyway, lots of hugs for you.

Darcy

Thistle

10-01-2006, 03:28 PM

Silver, i am so sorry. I cant even imagine how awful and traumatic it was.

I think you need to know that whatever you do, however you deal with it is the right way, cos there is no "right" or "best" way.

Keep posting, keep talking, keep grieving. Keep knowing how much we are holding you in our hearts.

Hugs and sympathy
Thea

velocilex

10-01-2006, 04:33 PM

Silver,
How awful for you to experience this. I don't know what to say except that you are in my thoughts, as are the others who had to witness this tragedy and the poor man's family. (((hugs)))

silver

10-01-2006, 05:19 PM

Thanks to everyone for "listening" and for your support. I've had several hours now to process this. I know I will ride again. It will be scary. Yes, I think that the biggest lesson that I can take to my riding is to always assume that the driver does not see me.

One of the things that I'm having the most trouble processing is that it didn't seem like to me that his injuries were going to be life threatening. He didn't seem to have a head wound. It seems that the major problem was blunt trauma to the chest.

Velocilex: I was riding this ride as a tune up for the Hilly. I will be inquiring as to whether the family would feel it appropriate for me to ride in his memory. let's do a rool call later in the week for TE folks who are riding.

annie

10-01-2006, 05:30 PM

This is so awful! I couldn't even respond on my first read-through.

You seem to be handling it ok for now, Silver. I hope you continue to do so! My thoughts are with you and all else involved. So scary!!!!

annie

DDH

10-01-2006, 05:53 PM

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. I don't have any words of wisdom, and can't even imagine what I would do in the same situation.
I am sure this gentlemen who enjoyed and loved riding would not want anyone to stop because of this tragedy. The only thing I can say about drivers is that I think a lot of the time they are looking for other cars and nothing else when they go to execute their turns or what not.
I cannot imagine not seeing a bright yellow jersey coming down the road at me. I try to always be aware of everything that is going on around me when I drive, not just the other vehicles.
I hope that comfort and peace are with you during this hard time and my thoughts and prayers go out to the family, friends and other bicyclist as well as you.

KnottedYet

10-01-2006, 06:13 PM

(((((silver)))))

My thoughts are with you and the biker's family and the other riders you were with.

emily_in_nc

10-01-2006, 06:20 PM

Horrible, just horrible. :eek:

Be prepared -- this event will probably haunt you for some time. You might have trouble sleeping, nightmares, or fear responses out of the blue. You might have recurrent images of the accident, tear up with no warning, and be anxious on your bike for awhile.

Or not.

We're all different. I am just sharing how I reacted after my dad died in a car accident - I experienced all of the symptoms I listed above. Obviously it's a very different situation to lose a loved one than an acquaintance, but since you witnessed the accident, you may well have some of the same types of reactions and post-traumatic stress symptoms that I did. I still have them, though less frequently, even 11 months later. Your acute reactions will probably not last nearly so long since you didn't lose a loved one suddenly, but you'll never forget what happened today. And the reality of today will sink in more than it has already in coming days. So things may get worse before they get better.

Do seek the support of family and friends, and talk about how you are feeling.

Sending you many virtual hugs and calming thoughts....

Emily

mimitabby

10-01-2006, 06:23 PM

more virtual hugs from here in Seattle, where a fine young woman died this week in almost exactlly the same way, in the morning when the sun was virtually horizontal in the van driver's eyes...

Xrayted

10-01-2006, 06:49 PM

silver, I'm so sorry. There just aren't words...
It's bad enough to lose a friend but right in front of you is just devastating. Talk it out with those around you and come here anytime you need it. Sometimes it takes a little bit of time for it to really sink in. If you're ever having an extra hard time dealing, make sure you get help/talk it out. Shock from things like this can hit us at any time, even days or weeks later.

Take care and you are all in my thoughts. ((((silver))))

cindy

(p.s. I just added contact info in my seat bag along with my id/insurance info.)

HipGnosis6

10-01-2006, 07:08 PM

Somebody mentioned post-traumatic symptoms.... if you find yourself having nightmares, difficulty sleeping, depression, et cetera, please do not be afraid or ashamed to talk to a counselor. You have, after all, just lived through a pretty traumatic experience. You will be in all our thoughts and if you need emotional support the ladies at TE are excellent to have around.

Nanci

10-02-2006, 01:58 AM

Silver, how sad. I'm sorry. I'm glad the guy wasn't alone when it happened, though. There have been several fatalities in my city recently, and some non-fatal hits. A woman from our cycling club has been in the hospital where I work for weeks- broken back, broken ribs, broken femur- but got to go to rehab last week finally. It was like a daily reminder, seeing her name in the computer every day. She's lucky.

I know what you mean about injuries not appearing that bad. Maybe someone from the cycling club will have more information. One thing that easily kills people is when the aorta is injured during a sudden deceleration.

I copied this from the bicycle safe website. It's not much, but it's something.

The Left Cross

A car coming towards you makes a left turn right in front of you, or right into you.

How to avoid this collision:

1. Don't ride on the sidewalk. When you come off the sidewalk to cross the street, you're invisible to turning motorists.

2. Get a headlight. If you're riding at night, you should absolutely use a front headlight. It's required by law in most countries, anyway.

3. Wear something bright, even during the day. It may seem silly, but bikes are small and easy to see through even during the day. Yellow or orange reflective vests really make a big difference. Reflective leg bands are also easy and inexpensive.

4. Don't pass on the right. Don't overtake slow-moving vehicles on the right. Doing so makes you invisible to left-turning motorists at intersections. Passing on the right means that the vehicle you're passing could also make a right turn right into you, too.

5. Slow down. If you can't make eye contact with the driver (especially at night), slow down so much that you're able to completely stop if you have to. Sure, it's inconvenient, but it beats getting hit.

RoadRaven

10-02-2006, 09:15 AM

Like Annie, this has taken several reads through to process and be ready to respond... and I have nothing insightful to add... only how dreadfully I feel for you and all those involved...

We had the death of a member in our club earlier this year, caused by bikes colliding, no car involved... by boy is it hard to process something like this.

Definately seek a counsellor, it can really help to have somebody who is outside the situation to unload on...

My thoughts are with you, as are so many from here at TE.

bikerchick68

10-02-2006, 10:39 AM

Silver... how scary and traumatic to witness this horrific loss of life... a sad day for all to be sure...

I work with a Crisis Response Team and you've definitely received some good advice already here... I want to post one link that you may find helpful, specifically about the grieving process:

http://www.counselingforloss.com/article8.htm

your feeling that he didn't "look" like his injuries were that bad is very, very normal... the denial part of grieving... internal injuries are not visible to the eye, so the normal assumption is that the person will be fine. You may go in and out of the stages of grieving... and there is no "set" timeline in which this will happen. You may be angry one day, despondent the next... then angry again. If you find that you feel stuck in the process, seek help. A self help group... a counselor, whatever assistance you can find. You can call your local Hospice and ask for referrals... here there are an abundance of groups available.

Also, here is another link you may like to have... an online grieving sight that has been checked and cleared for us to use as a referral by our local police dept...

www.groww.org

they have online memorials plus message boards where others may have experienced the same type of loss.

hugs to you...

mary9761

10-02-2006, 05:21 PM

(((((((Silver)))))))) I hadn't heard about this accident before you posted. Where did this happen? Were you down in Bloomington? I'm so sorry for you, the rider and his friends and family.
Do you still plan on going to the Hilly? If you are still coming, look for me in the snackbar area at registration and I will give you a REAL HUG to replace the virtual hug I just gave you.

silver

10-02-2006, 06:42 PM

silver

10-02-2006, 06:45 PM

Thank you to everyone for your continued thoughts. It has helped me so much. I was very busy today so I didn't have much time to think about it. But tomorrow I plan to try to ride again. I don't know if it will bring flashbacks. I'm also waiting to hear of the funeral arrangements. I want to go even though I only knew him for about 45 minutes...they were his last 45 minutes. And he made such a huge impression on me in that small amount of time.

I'm also working up a small memorial to put on my website.

thanks you for everyone's support

mary9761

10-03-2006, 02:17 AM

Mary, I live in Southern Indiana and visit Bloomington often. I'm hoping that maybe you can find the info based on that without me posting more specific info. It happened in Southern Indiana.

I was unsure at first but feel now that I will ride still ride the Hilly. I will ride with a "in Memory of..." sign on my back. I plan to try to ride tomorrow and see how I feel.

Will you be at the snackbar on Friday night? I'll be sure to find you whereever you are.

I'll do some looking and see what I can find. I will watch for your sign as well.

I will be at the snackbar Friday night. I'm supposed to be there around 4 pm on Friday afternoon and work the snacks after I get checked in myself. I hope to see you then. I made a name tag last year with Mary9761 on it to wear along with my ID for the Hilly Volunteer. I'm going to find it and make sure I wear one again this year.