'sigh' Sex talk - need advice

[cherinyc]

Hi - This is completely unrelated to cycling, so I am not expecting anyone to spend too much time with advice, but....I just don't have anyone to talk to about this except you guys.
Here's my situation: I am only 31, and I don't seem to have any sex drive...and it scares me. My bf and I have been dating for about 10 months, and we haven't had sex in about 4 months. We live together, and neither of us is instigating sex.
I was married before current bf (I will abbreviate as CBF), and was treated somewhat cruelly by my ex-husband. Ex had terrible mood swings, and would not talk to me for a day - then the next day, when HE was in a better mood, he would want to be intimate - getting angry at me when I didn't want to comply. When I started dating CBF, there was the whole honeymoon stage, where we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I found I had no sex drive with the ex, but after it came back with CBF, I figured I was cured. Now - gone again.
I am on the Nuva Ring for birth control, and period regulation - and I asked my gyno if she thought that would be decreasing my libido - she said prob not. Now that 4 months have gone by, I wouldn't even know how to get a session going. I really love CBF. He is BY FAR, the best thing to happen to me, and BY FAR, he is my best friend. But....is that enough?
Is there something I can take to help? I have heard the whole "do you have a lot of stress" blah blah blah excuse - and yes I do, but I ALWAYS do. I am a perfectionist - so I am never completely at ease.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? It seems like I am constantly bombarded with info that says we should be having sex 2-3 times a week - at least. Once a week is made to seem pretty bad, so the whole 4 month thing is making me feel pretty terrible. My life has taken a complete 180 since CBF - all positive. I quit smoking, drinking, going out late, and started snowboarding, bicycling, hiking. ALL GOOD THINGS. So why do I feel SOOOO crappy?

'sigh' It feels good to get this out, so....don't think it's going to make me have sex tonight, but...never-the-less.
Thanks for listening - whoever reads this.

[roshelleuop]

Cherinc,

I sent you a personal message. Do not worry, you are not alone.

Roshelle from Milwaukee
http://wisconsinbetties.blogspot.com/

[bcipam]

Just my opinion - I offer no medical or psychological advice, I am no expert and this is a disclaimer (so other folks please don't jump on me) and you can ignore this as crap... again just my humble opinion...

I believe a woman's sex drive is 70 - 90% mental not physical. I understand sometimes it's hard to get in the mood just like it's sometimes hard to get on a bike and do a ride when you've had a bad day. But you know what? I force myself to go ride and once out, feel wonderful and am glad I did.

Change of attitude is needed. Try to look at sex differently. Think of it not as a physical act but as an emotional bonding act and pleasing your BF. Just get started and basically everything will fall into place. If you need to trick and fool yourself into getting started then nothing wrong with that. Plan a nice dinner, buy some sexy underwear and tease your BF about what you might have on. You will pay attention to you adn make you feel good. One thing should lead to the other... men are easy!

And if you play attention to him he will start paying more attention to you and the circle of life is renewed.

My other humble opinion and this has been discusssed before... there is a problem with jumping into sex with someone without establishing a strong base. Like you said you already had the honeymoon but since you never had the courtship, something is now lacking (I assume this from the fact that you have been dating only 10 months - that is not along time and definitely not long enough to get to fully know someone). Maybe step back from the sex and look at the relationship and friendship. Build that anew. Keep in mind no normal relationship remains the same all the time. Sex always blinds us at first but that passon quickly fades and without a strong ongoing commitment, sex is not enough.

Good luck. Keep working at it. You are going through some pretty normal feelings for a young woman (yes 31 is young).

[bikerchick68]

I went thru this same thing when I was married to my ex. Towards the end of the marriage my sex drive was nil... and I was pretty concerned. Enough so, that like you I spoke to the doctor about it.

bcipam is right. What actually happened is that the emotional connection between us was nil, so in turn the physical connection was as well.

since then, I find myself single... and believe me, the sex drive is there. The thing with ANY relationship is that they take work to keep alive. I know lots of men who are very good people that I don't want to have sex with... but that was not an issue with you and the BF... so take some time to think about HOW to renew the emotional connect... and then put some effort into seeing if that helps... things as little as picnicking at the park can do the trick. Get away once a week from the tedium of life... paying bills, shopping, laundry, and TV are NOT romantic and do not connect most people emotionally.

Hope things work out well for you... hugs...

[Lenusik]

Cherinyc,

I certainly wish you a lot of luck. I strongly believe that sex is one of the most important part of the relationship, no matter what people say about romance. I also firmly believe in communicating. I certainly hope that your BF and you have a good way of talking openly and honestly with each other. MY DH and I can discuss absolutely anything, our thoughts, desires, fantacies, fears. This what makes our live, both physical and emotional, very solid. And if something goes wrong, we can talk about it as well. I hope that you can do the same. And please do not blame each other for anything. You need to figure out for both of you what makes you both happy, makes you who you are, and what you are both missing. It is a two-way street. Just share and experiment.

Sincerely good luck.

[Bluetree]

I am on the Nuva Ring for birth control, and period regulation - and I asked my gyno if she thought that would be decreasing my libido - she said prob not.

Yes, yes and yes... birth control ABSOLUTELY can affect your sex drive!!!

I have tried a number of dosage levels (including the expensive Seasonale) and most have had that side effect. One prescription had a side effect that is not often discussed... depression. Removing it had an almost instantaneous effect on both my s-drive and my mood. It was like someone removed a pillowcase from my head. I finally had to give them all up because my body was just too sensitive to take them. It is rare, but not all that uncommon.
Since you do not seem to be having sex at moment anyhow, I'd suggest going off the BC for a while and see if it makes a difference. (But, ask your OB-gyn first if it's OK!)

Best of luck.

[ColleenT]

Anti depressants killed my once overactive Libido. it never came back. my husband suffers daily, as i could not care less if i ever had sex again. i perform for him every week or two, but it feels like a chore. i do enjoy it once i'm there, but getting there is not easy. it has been many years for us, about 11 that my libido has been MIA. i have a saint of a husband.

if both parties don't really want it, it might be a good match. But if one of you is missing it, then there is a problem. i wish i had answers, but i am going thru it too. you are not alone.

[Cassandra_Cain]

Hi Cheri - this is not easy, of that I'm sure - both what is going on and sharing this kind of thing with the board.

Plus, from everything you said it is rather ironic - you make all these positive changes in your life, you feel healthy, fit, and strong but then your libido swings downward. Hard to figure for sure.

I guess there are two avenues on this situation. On the one, you have the physiological stuff which your doctor, GYN, or endocronologist can give you the best advice on. Whether it is hormonal, or otherwise. All sorts of causes can exist, for instance, I have a girlfriend who had very little in the way of a sex drive. Her endo prescribed some medication and hormonal treatments which had a positive effect.

The other aspect was touched on by someone before me who said, very accurately, that our sex drive tends to be in our minds, rather than our bodies. I tend to agree with that. I'm not a counselor (yet!), but the relationship you have with your current b/f is something to be looked at. Without getting to specific - attraction, chemistry, mood, etc. Then of course, you have stress, work, etc. One thing some of us forget, who do a lot of riding or exercise, is we can make ourselves too tired for sex. It is a balance - too much exercise and your libido suffers, just the right amount and it will benefit the former.

From what you said, you've obviously had a healthy libido before, but just are having issues with it now. I'm sure you can once again have that once things get sorted out.

Good luck!

[cherinyc]

Thanks for the replies. I have received a few pm's, and combined with these postings, I am greatful for the support. I want to respond specifically to various things that were written, but, having had my share of emotional expulsion for the day.....I think I will ponder a bit - and reply when I can adequately communicate my feelings. Emotions are exhausting.
you ladies are the best!!

[makbike]

Cheri:

Is your thyroid okay? If you have not had it checked recently it might be worth donating some blood for low thyroid levels can cause one's libido to go south quickly.

I hope you can resolve this issue soon. Take care of yourself.

[cherinyc]

Is your thyroid okay? If you have not had it checked recently it might be worth donating some blood for low thyroid levels can cause one's libido to go south quickly.

I donated blood end of April. Not too long ago. I didn't hear of any problems, just got a card in the mail telling me my blood type was A-.
Would they've told me if there was something wrong with my blood?

[makbike]

Cheri:

The American Red Cross, I believe, simply checks your red blood cell count along with checking for blood borne pathogens. You need to ask your gyno or family doc about pulling blood for specific tests.

I suffer from hypothyroidism and I can tell you until it was diagnosed and treated I had zero sex drive. Once my doctor found the correct dose of thyroid medication for me things returned to normal.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Bikingmomof3]

Cheri,
You have received some great advice. I am glad you felt comfortable coming here. I understand what you are going through. For me, my daily medication plays a huge role. Add that with the daily monotony of every day life and the stress which comes with it. Now throw in 3 teen kids and exercise (all of which I love), and I am exhausted by 8pm and the last thing on my mind is being intimate. Yes, I see the "studies" which claim a healthy sex life is x number of times per week and those just make me feel badly. My husband is wonderful and blessedly just as exhausted as I am. He is also extremely understanding. If you have not discussed this with your CBF, please do. Share with him what you shared with us. The two of you will work through this and there is nothing wrong with you. ((((((((HUGS))))))))))

[bcipam]

I'm assuming you have disclosed all your concerns and symptoms to your family doctor. It would be up to your doctor to order the labs for blood work. Very specific tests need to be run to find problems. I know alot of folks give blood thinking the Red Cross or Donor Center is also going to do a full physical to find problems. They don't. I just gave bllod last week for one set of issues and ham ordered back again this week for something else. Geez, why couldn't they find it all in the first batch! My poor arm is starting to get "needle tracks"!

If you truly feel you are having a physical problem over anything else, then get to your doctor ASAP and let him know. Take a lesson from someone who is now paying the price for not getting to the doctor when she should have... see the doctor and rule out a physical problem.

Then if they find nothing... work on reconnecting...

[kerrybelle]

Wish I had a solution for you, but I don't. I'm pretty much in the same boat. Only difference is I'll be married 16 years come December. I agree with Colleen it feels more like a chore most of the time. Dh has a very high sex drivem which is no help to me. I do believe a lot of it can be mental though. Hope you can get back in the groove....

Kerry