Thread Drift

[Pax]

Sorry to hear about your friend, Crankin.

[Crankin]

There's a graveside funeral here on Sunday. I am conflicted. Afraid that there may be family drama there. The ex-wife and kids won't know who I am, but his brother and mom will. I am supposed to do a pre-ride of a new ride I am leading. I can miss this, but I am still not sure. I haven't asked DH to go with me yet, I have one friend who might be able to go. I am afraid that if I don't go, I will regret it, but another part of me says just remember the good stuff, of which there is a lot.

[Blueberry]

I'm so sorry, Crankin. Sounds like a difficult situation all around. Keep taking care of yourself.

[Crankin]

I most definitely would stay in the background! My experience has been that when there is a graveside service for a Jewish person (we did this for my dad's mom), it's usually very small, immediate family and there's no funeral home service because of money. No one knows about this, it's not in the paper, nothing on our HS Facebook page or anywhere else.
I am leaning toward not going.

[Crankin]

Murienn, I was not married to this person... he was my first serious boyfriend. We started dating in middle school, sort of broke up at the beginning of grade 10, then before I moved that year, we reconnected. I spent most of my last 2 years of high school flying between Miami and Boston. He was supposed to come down for my prom, and his parents wouldn't pay for it. Thus, I was asked by someone whom I stupidly did date and marry at age 22. I had a rough couple of years after I left my first husband and met my DH. Not all bad, but some of, well, bad. When I graduated high school, I came up here to Boston, with the wrong one, to attend college. One night, right before classes started, my "friend" appeared at my aunt and uncle's house with a friend of mine, who is my uncle's niece (her father's brother married my mother's sister). They walked into the house, not knowing my new boyfriend was there. It had to be one the most awful events in my life, because I knew right there I had made a grievious mistake. But, I was too f*n immature to send the guy packing and reach out to the one I loved. He even sent me letters... at one point, after I divorced, I thought about contacting him, but I decided not to. I was still mortified, after 6 years. I don't regret my life now, and I have the best husband, ever. But, I know I was really immature!
And, btw, we reconnected because my 13 year old son did an internet search for him in 1996, when the net was rather new. My son sent him an email and he responded! Needless to say, I was mortified.
I am not going to the funeral. I will think about him during my ride, and he would have loved that.

[SheFly]

You, of all people, like me, know that suicide is complex. Everyone reacts differently, regardless of their relationship with the deceased. I like what you have planned - a ride to remember him. I have done that often, thinking of my brother.

So sorry that you have to go through this. When will we, as a society, get our heads out of our butts and start recognizing suicide and mental illness for the epidemic it has become? I am hearing all too often of friends who are being impacted by this, and it makes me so very, very sad.

SheFly

[Crankin]

I do know this, SheFly, and thank you! Thank you, to everyone here. I have sort of been assigned the role of making sure everyone is OK by people, but everyone (from my hometown) is checking in on me, too. I went back and looked at the string of last texts from him. I should have seen something in some of those. I was very upset when his girlfriend told me yesterday, that he had been threatening suicide during the weekend he was here, and that he told her he wouldn't attempt, he would do it. He flew back to DC and did it...
I feel so good about talking to my friend Judie Wednesday night. She also left me a long voice mail, yesterday. I know I will hear from her tonight, too. She also lived in VA and had stayed connected to him. I wasn't kidding when I said I heard myself in her voice... she even swore the same way I do, when I'm mad, and at the end of the conversation, she said she had not used so many Yiddish words in a conversation in like 40 years!
I feel badly for DH. He has been extremely sick with a bronchial thing, and home most of the week. I got the news when he was out at CVS, buying Mucinex. I briefly gave him the details, but I haven't burdened him with the ugly details, as he is really a wreck. I suspect he thinks most of these phone calls have been clients, so I will tell him all when he feels better.

[SheFly]

I went back and looked at the string of last texts from him. I should have seen something in some of those.

This is normal survivor guilt, but you need to let it go. I spent years after my high school boyfriend committed suicide in the guilt cycle. In the end, I was finally able to realize that there wasn't anything different that I could have done for him. Instead of feeling the guilt, enjoy the memories that you do have. Honor him with your bike ride, and be glad that you were able to reconnect and enjoy your friendship.

SheFly

[OakLeaf]

(((((Crankin)))))

SheFly has good advice. Thinking of you. Hope your DH feels better soon, for both of your sake.

[Catrin]

{{{{Crankin}}}} hang in there, SheFly is spot-on, not what we need to tell you that. Sending you warm thoughts of comfort and strength in this difficult time and hope your DH feels better soon!

[Crankin]

Yeah, I know what it is, and really, it's not *bad* survivor's guilt. My clinical radar has been up since February, when he texted me the day the divorce was final. Now, he initiated it, but I think he was scared sh!tless, and was also a little used to playing the victim. I told him to call me if he needed to talk, and within 10 seconds of that text, he called and asked how I felt when I got divorced. I told him it was comparing apples and oranges, as I was 23 years old and barely felt married, just mad at myself for getting into that mess. I think he was so distraught over his adult daughters not talking to him and telling him he was evil, causing them go into therapy. He was not allowed to go to the younger one's college graduation. He sold his company a few years ago, spent the $ supporting his parents, and couldn't find a job. Enough to cause anyone to be hopeless.
I am fine, looking forward to a great riding weekend here in Boston.

[Catrin]

...
I am fine, looking forward to a great riding weekend here in Boston.

Have fun, it looks like the weather will be great! I am considering trying out my new brace on a gentle set of dirt hiking trails for a mile or two this weekend myself.

[emily_in_nc]

{{{{{{{{{{ Crankin }}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am pleased and relieved today that my mother approves (or at least appears to, in email) of our plans to return to Mexico after spending the summer in the US visiting her and my DH's parents. I know she'd prefer we stay in NC, but that is not in the cards right now, so I am happy to have her support for this "alternative" lifestyle we have adopted since retiring.

I just turned 54, and it surprises me how much I still crave my mother's approval. When my dad was alive, it was his approval I always looked for and was fearful of not getting. Now that he's not here, I seem to have transferred that need towards my mother.

[Crankin]

We all crave approval. Some from parents, some from friends, others from spouses or co-workers. I think I mostly crave professional approval, because honestly, I always have been on the leading edge of social trends and not really giving a crap about what others think of the personal parts of my life. Perhaps that is because I've always been really social and had a lot of friends, and I had really accepting parents. I feel lucky to have been around people who have just accepted me with all of my "stuff." I'm feeling really lucky right now to still feel such strong connections to some of the friends I've had since I was 12 years old...

[Crankin]

So, a little update...
My perspective has now changed, and frankly, I feel like some people are still in high school.
On Monday, a holiday here, I was greeted by a long FB message from the girlfriend, kind of ranting, it was not her fault, she saw the red flags, had to protect herself. I answered her back, repeating my mantra, normal survivor's guilt, get some help, etc. Then I received a friend request from some woman in N. Carolina, whom I do not know at all, except that she was a friend of my ex-boyfriend. A friend a couple of years younger, from my hometown, who was proclaiming that she had "loved him since she was 15." Oy. Not sure what kind of love she meant, but none the less, creepy. She appeared to be divorced, some kind of artist. OK, after that, more messages from the girlfriend. She told me that he had told her some personal stuff about our relationship; not gritty details, and I suppose the kind of things you discuss with a partner when getting to know them, but that set me off. She told me he had lied about how many partners he had had, so it was in the context of that conversation. I ended the conversation with the same thing I've been telling everyone: Remember the good times, and for her benefit I said, you know, we had a really good relationship, and that's what I am going to remember, not this stuff in the present. Then... messages from the "other" girlfriend, the one he arrived at the reunion with 2 years ago, that started this whole thing. They were no longer a thing, but she seemes to be carrying a torch. She was just struggling with the fact that he had a commited relationship with the other one, that he lied about this.
OK, I do not not want to be a member of this club, where the common denominator is lying to divorced women to make yourself feel better. He did not lie to me, as my BS radar is quite effective and always has been. Finally, Tuesday night, I had a long conversation with my best friend from my teenaged years, that I mentioned in one of my above posts. This is the best thing to have come out of this. We are not going to let another 20 or 40 years go by again... it feels really good to have her back in my life.