Hi judithlsm and welcome to TE!
I totally get your dilemma. Those long stops can be killer on the legs. My DH (dear husband) hates them, and I like them less and less as I get older (I'm 55). If your DH is dead-set on long stops, have you considered splitting up and riding separately for at least part of the day's miles? When DH and I did Bike Virginia, we'd split up as needed, and we both found others to ride with. He's faster than me and preferred shorter stops, so this worked out well for us. We also made some fun road friends along the way. Of course we'd meet up at the end of the day.
In your case, if your DH happens to be a faster rider than you, like mine, he could get to the rest stops earlier and stay longer, then you could join him for the last 5-10 minutes of the stop when you rolled up. If you're about the same pace, you'd finish first, taking more stops, and you could just wait for him at the end each day. I can guarantee you'd find plenty of people to chat with before he rolled up on a big event like RAGBRAI.
Sometimes due to differing riding styles and preferences, it's just not practical to stay together all the time, and you will probably both have more fun if you aren't having to do something you dislike wrt stops.
Good luck, whatever you end up doing!
Emily
2011 Jamis Dakar XC "Toto" - Selle Italia Ldy Gel Flow
2007 Trek Pilot 5.0 WSD "Gloria" - Selle Italia Diva Gel Flow
2004 Bike Friday Petite Pocket Crusoe - Selle Italia Diva Gel Flow