making drastic changes in life

[OakLeaf]

Me too. Moving, even the twice-yearly move I do now (DH's choice, not mine), is a HUGE trigger for the instability of my childhood. The idea of "home" itself is a trigger, a heavily loaded concept my whole life. And the feeling of "coming home" - there's a song by a local band that tells the story of the singer driving back to Ohio, and with each verse, as he gets closer, he realizes more and more how homesick he's been, until by the time the song ends he's decided to come back permanently. One spring I was driving back home and that song came on just as I was crossing the border from West Virginia, and I very nearly had to pull over and bawl.

It's been a factor in some of my health-related choices, too. I know this life isn't permanent, no matter what I do, so the least disruption I can have for the longest amount of time, is the best I can ever hope for.

[north woods gal]

Thank you, all for sharing your stories. I can identify with something in each of them. Since this is a bike forum, I would also like to add that in all my traveling and living across the country, one coast to the other, though good times and some very bad times, my bicycling has been one of the few constants in my life. There were times when it was my only means of transportation, so very practical, of course, but bicycling has always been my therapy, especially when dealing with loneliness and other life issues. My friends used to accuse me of riding to keep one step ahead of my troubles and I suspect they were right. What is there about the movement and constant change of scenery and vistas while riding that so soothes the mind? I really don't know, but it has always worked for me and still very much does, even after all these years. May your riding bring you peace, as my riding has done for me.

[rocknrollgirl]

I love the Whites, but I hate NH, if you understand what I mean. The "Live Free or Die" mentality is real, and plays itself out in the lack of services and the constant refrain of "no new taxes." NH still does not have mandatory kindergarten. I always caution people to not overlook the political climate and culture of a place, because no amount of good weather or physical beauty can make up for that


Fortunately we have traveled enough to know better than to make that mistake. I LOVE some spots up in the Adirondacks, but I could not live there due to lack of services. We currently live in a resort area, so I do not want to do that again either. Speaking of which, summer technically starts this weekend, here comes the bumper to bumper traffic!

[north woods gal]

Yeah, I remembered moving to the west, may, many years, ago, the idea being to head to the mountains to get away from it all and the crowds. Well, after driving all day on the Fourth weekend in the mountains of Idaho to find a campsite that had a vacancy, we ended up in a motel, instead. So much for getting away from it all.

[Helene2013]

I love the Whites, but I hate NH, if you understand what I mean. The "Live Free or Die" mentality is real, and plays itself out in the lack of services and the constant refrain of "no new taxes." NH still does not have mandatory kindergarten. I always caution people to not overlook the political climate and culture of a place, because no amount of good weather or physical beauty can make up for that


Fortunately we have traveled enough to know better than to make that mistake. I LOVE some spots up in the Adirondacks, but I could not live there due to lack of services. We currently live in a resort area, so I do not want to do that again either. Speaking of which, summer technically starts this weekend, here comes the bumper to bumper traffic!

ahhhh but you'll have quite a few less Canadians in the Mountains due to the high exchange rates in our $$$. So less traffic for you. hihi

We LOVE Vermont, NH and Maine and Mass... always vacation there. Well a lot.

[Crankin]

I also love Vermont and Maine. Mostly Vermont. As a kid, all we did was go to the Cape every summer and my DH was kind of flabbergasted I had never been to VT, only been to NH because my dad owned a factory over the border from MA, and Maine once or twice because my dad's parents used to vacation in Ogunquit. I had never been to the Berkshires, either. My family stayed in place, until we moved to FL, then AZ. My parents ended up in San Diego, so they did travel somewhat within that state. They didn't have the $ to travel extensively then, but they could have when I was a kid. It just wasn't "done."
RnR, I also live in a tourist place. It's just an outer suburb,, semi-rural in spots, but because of the historical stuff that happened here, we get tons of tourists, from all over the world, from March-December. It was annoying before I moved to the condo, as I had to drive through the town center, near all of the historical sites, to go to work. Now that I live in West Concord, no tourists come here. It's too artsy and down to earth. We do get a few from the city coming to the village center (hey, I live in a town with 2 "downtowns"), but it's not the same as giant buses with tourists taking pictures of me on my bike! This is the thing that might stop me from buying a second home in Great Barrington. Although it feels like a Massachusetts town, with real people, there are tons of New Yorkers (apologies to those of you from NY) who have second homes there, or have moved there. It is not something I deal well with, probably ingrained from myf family, and I try to be non-judgmental. It's not like Stockbridge or Lenox, which may as well not be in MA. Time will tell...

[emily_in_nc]

Fascinating thread, and I've enjoyed reading all your stories.

I've made so many "drastic" changes in life over the past few decades that sometimes I think I've become addicted to change and moving. I'm not sure I could live a life where everything stayed the same for any great length of time any more. I get too fidgety and itchy. I guess it's a good thing we're nomadic!

DH in particular has no desire to settle down. I'm sure at some point, health issues or who knows what will drive us to settle down somewhere, but even though sometimes I long to have a base, be a part of a community again, and put down "roots", whenever I begin to do that anywhere, I balk. I am wondering if there's some commitment-phobia in this case, even though it's not to a person (DH and I have been married 31 years), but to a place?

Interesting thoughts....

[rebeccaC]

When I left France for a year of schooling in Quebec my mother and I had a good conversation about the importance of looking at change as an internal journey/discovery as much as an external one. I’ve always remembered that long conversation when I’ve moved to a new area. Granted that has only been the Quebec move, to Paris for schooling after Quebec, to the U.S. for my University years, back to Paris for some of my post grad work and then to Ca. for my present job. From that though I’ve learned I can adapt easier to a new area by being in the present and taking lots of positive reflection time to think through how I am connecting to the people and environment around me. I’ve found taking time to be by myself, mindfulness meditation, journaling, yoga and solo bike rides etc. helps in feeling ‘at home’ especially in the beginning. I also use art objects made by me, made by friends, given to me by family and bought on traveling trips and the areas I’ve lived in to bring a feeling of continuance to a new place. In moving here my life has always been quite busy with my work, my volunteering, my photography passion, my exercise and friends new and old so that adjusting to Ca. was made easier through just that....and for me the social/political atmosphere is a nice bonus!

Personally I love the area I’m in now with the weather being usually 70 +/- 15 degrees year round….and all the completely different types of landscapes, diverse urban, ocean beach/coastlines, mediterranean ecosystem mountains and rural farming plains all within easy bicycling range. Plus desert solitude, coastal and mountain forests and the snow covered san gabriel/sierra nevada mountains all within a few hours of travel by car…..plus plus the richness of the diverse culture and the ethnic groups of a large urban area.

Through being both a French and American citizen and my trip travels I also know enough about different areas of the U.S. and the E.U. that with my education and work ethic I would be able to choose a new place to work and live with a reasonable expectation of enjoying the new area…especially with the early advice of my mother to be centered while looking at and experiencing the inner and outer journey of moving to a new home.

Now….a place like Oklahoma etc. could be a challenge for me but there is also being creative and for me that would be enjoying documenting even things I don’t appreciate through camera lenses and helping me to see them in a way that leads beyond my preconceptions about the world, its inhabitants, and myself.…..so I could even see some advantages of living even some place I didn’t like. I'm also thinking Emily_in_nc could to be on to something with the nomadic life

What is there about the movement and constant change of scenery and vistas while riding that so soothes the mind?

That’s called neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine etc. ...and yes the environment too for sure!!!!
I also see one of the neuroscience benefits of my bicycling as helping to increase my stress resistance….

[salsabike]

rebeccaC, you are one of the most intelligently positive people I've ever "met". I really value it. Thanks.

[rebeccaC]

rebeccaC, you are one of the most intelligently positive people I've ever "met". I really value it. Thanks.

as are you and i value that!!!!!

[Crankin]

I've lived 2 places that I was not a good fit with. Why do that to yourself, when you have a choice? Obviously, I had no choice at age 15, moving to Miami, but I did choose to stay in AZ, after I caught up with my parents, after they moved there. It was fine for a long time, it was really having kids that made me question what kind of environment I wanted to bring them up in, what I wanted them exposed to (cities, not Sunbelt developments, woods, ocean, seasons, valuing education). There are other places I know I would be OK living in, but I for one, would never deliberately put myself in a Texas, Oklahoma, or a number of other places. I've felt the sting of anti-Semitism enough in the south and even in Phx in the 70s and 80s, to know that I'd rather not feel that "different" from most of the people around me. If I had to move to a place that was not a good fit because of economics, of course, I would try to make the best of it, and I know how to get connected to a community, but I wouldn't like it. My world in Tempe was very small, staying within the confines of friends from the JCC and work. I always felt like I was swimming against the tide in terms of my values. The district where I taught had a very large percentage of students and faculty from a very conservative religion. It may sound silly, but sometimes, this was difficult, as it wasn't like this was something that was only at home for the kids. It was kind of in your face. Myself and another colleague once wrote a letter to the director of special ed and the superintendent, outlining why it was not OK to say a prayer, in Jesus' name, at the special ed awards night. Or why my 5 year old son had to explain to the cashier at the grocery store why he didn't celebrate Christmas. So, things like this, while small and insignificant to some, add up. Micro aggressions. I totally understand how this affects people. It just got on my nerves.

[OakLeaf]

Somewhat related: Children's social, academic functioning is impeded when their families move more often


I remember anti-Semitism in the neighborhood we lived in when I was in middle school, in the San Francisco bay area. And very frank racism in the Chicago suburb where I went to grade school. While there are definitely parts of the country where it's more acceptable to say certain things out loud in the 21st century (not necessarily where you'd think, either - I see more Confederate flags in Ohio than I do farther south), I don't think anywhere that isn't completely homogeneous is really safe from microaggressions.

And, my baby sister, who's if anything to the left of me politically, as well as needing much more of a cultural scene than I do - she loves Dallas. Lived there for a while, moved away, realized Dallas was where she wanted to be, came back, bought a house and established her business there. Unlike me, she isn't constitutionally moving-averse - she's lived in other English speaking countries and in several parts of the USA (as an adult) for long stretches, and traveled all over the world.

My dad spent most of his adult life running away from stuff. My mom uses a combination of denial and resilience to tell herself she's content wherever she is. [I haven't watched the second season of _Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt_ yet, but if you watched the first season, it really gave me an understanding of how so many people could find my mom charming, where all I could see was an incredible solipsism.] The combination has given me both the dysfunctional aversion to moving, and the commitment to making an honest assessment of what I like and don't like about something or somewhere before either embracing or discarding it.

[Pax]

Does anyone else find such decisions, about moving to find the "right" fit, complicated by being half of a couple? My wife would do anything to ensure my happiness and wellbeing, but it is at the expense of her own, and I want the best for her. Leaving Florida would be physically better for me, but she is thriving here, she gets to go running/walking outside to the beach year round, she loves all the sunshine, she is just happier here.... makes my heart hurt to think about taking her back to the grey skies and long winters.

Beyond the immediate concerns, I would love to be back in Chicago, back in the culture, diversity, and activity, but even though she was raised there, she finds the city overwhelming now (maybe because she's so introverted?). It's just difficult, after 26 years, to see how where we want to be can be so disparate.

[Helene2013]

Complicated yes. In a way. Because our views are opposite, but at same time they are about the same - even after 33 years it leads to good discussions. Good thing is we can come to a compromise with good reasoning.

Instead of moving back to Chicago and in order to still remain in a "warmer" climate in winter, could you find another city, state that could offer you a better air quality, and her, the warmth all year long. There must be somewhere in all those States that could do. It would be a good compromise. Personally, I'm am no fan of heat and humidity and I would never stay in a hot climate all year round. But if I could find better city/place than the brutal winters of Quebec, I certainly would move in a heartbeat (but because of his job right now---he's 26 years done and needs 28-30 to retire with pension) we have to wait some. I just cannot imagine myself staying in the province we are at retirement. For too many reasons (high taxes and expensive living costs due to taxes are tops).

Since I'm Canadian, I can't really reside full time in the USA (too complicated). So we will do 7 months there and 5 months elsewhere in Canada. At least at the beginning of our retirement. We'll see how things turn out along the year(s).

I can't tell for the culture, religion, etc as we don't see the debates or issues that we often seem to read on the other side of the border. Issues in Quebec are mostly related to "separation" from Canada but this is dying on its own with most young adults not as interested - and used to travel the world - to care about this part of politics. Maybe if I got stuck in all those things I valued, it may make it easier to stay or leave an area.

For my husband, I think he is more "afraid" of not finding enough French (he has good English but not as perfectly bilingual as me) in his new environment. Told him there are many places in Canada to find French, and even in good parts of the USA. Just need to do the good homework. I think that once I secure him with this, and where he will be landing in his future "homebase" he'll be 2 feet into the project. But true, it is not always easy in a couple when we are not on the same page for important things - or what is important to each of us.

[north woods gal]

Being half a couple works both ways, at least for some of us. Before I met my current husband, I was nearing retirement age and working in the Chicago area. My retirement plan" was little more than buying an old junker, pointing it west, and driving it till it fell apart and that spot would be my new home - as long as it wasn't in a big city (I'm a small town, country gal). Obviously not a brilliant retirement plan and had I not met my husband, shortly after, I might still be wandering around, looking for a place to call home. Why? I know myself well enough to admit that I am not a solo person. I need a companion on my journey though life and my partner is an integral part of what I regard as "home". I'm also a very open and flexible person, though, so it was easy enough for us to find a place we both could love.

On the other hand, I can see where it would be difficult if there is a difference in terms of where each half needs or wants.