Younger woman bossing me around

[shootingstar]

I don't mind being asked by people alot younger than I, to do certain things which draw upon my skills. But it's uber annoying from a particular woman who I don't report to nor does she have official supervisory authority, to tell me super obvious stuff. She does have an assertive, loudish voice...which I do too. I know why she's like that because most likely she has been in certain situations where female colleagues in her industry were made to feel 'less' or seen less worthy.

I'm debating what to do ..tell her boss which is my boss also, or tell her directly.

[smilingcat]

hmm... talking to her boss or your boss will not do much and can hurt you more than you might think. If she is bossy to you, then she is probably being bossy to others as well. If you decide to have a face to face, depending on her personality and of her self-esteem, it can go either way.

Another thing to consider is to politely tell her that thank you but you've already thought about it. If she gets enough of the brush-offs, she will probably move on and pester someone else. I would think her boss is aware of the meddling.

[rebeccaC]

i wouldn't say it's an age thing...

Personally I would always be respectful in my reactions. Since I also believe myself capable and have the knowledge/experience to do what I am tasked to do, I would simply ask that they acknowledge my respect and that they speak to me with respect.

Being compassionate by understanding things like feelings of insecurity, anxiety etc. can cause disrespecting boundaries can also help you avoid feeling angry and frustrated.

If i talked to others about it i would be genuine about a need for guidance and constructive advice on how to handle it and not that i was complaining about it.

hoping you find a positive solution that works for you!

[Crankin]

I would start with her, and talk in a clear neutral tone. Ask her to speak to you with respect and acknowledge your skills.
She will know what you mean.
If it doesn't change, then ask a supervisor for advice.
Does she do this to others, or is it just you, which leads you to the age thing?

[shootingstar]

Thx for advice so far and more advice for more is helpful.

This already has happened twice and this type of situation happens in group meetings where clearly she's trying to exercise control but she likes to do it on me directly by instructing me in a loud voice with assertiveness. She is a team lead without direct reports.

I know the game but I have learned in previous jobs as a manager, to step back and let expert staff do their jobs with general outcomes, etc. I myself have been criticized for sounding too angry, impatient when in fact, I was overly charged with ideas and energy. I have never been criticized for holding back staff or not allowing them to express their best positive personality and skill set. I learned quickly that having very bright staff who were also great workers, customer service oriented AND personality magnets for clients, was a huge plus for the dept. Let staff shine.

My partner believes that after speaking her, I should speak to my boss (her boss also), otherwise things could really go downhill with her badmouthing me. It still could, but it would be damage control or realignment of certain behaviours.

[Pax]

If my boss respects me I will typically keep her in the loop about what is going on. Let her know I'm going to take a shot at fixing the situation, but wanted to give her a heads up about it. Nothing for the boss to fix, just awareness that I'm trying to correct a situation, and if I'm not successful she'll already be aware and ready to take the correction to the next level.

As for the face to face with the co-worker, I'd go neutral but firm. I've had annoying coworkers in the past who, when confronted, seemed genuinely perplexed they were being perceived that way, good long talk about it cleared the air. On the flip side, I have a young coworker right now who is rude and annoying and is very content being that way. Our conversation about the way she interacts with me only served to scare her so now she stays away from me and doesn't interact. Win win!

[ny biker]

Every situation is different, but I've had a fair number of co-workers who treated me like a child because they were trying to hide/quash their own insecurities and fears. Understanding this makes it (slightly) easier to deal with. Lately I'm trying to deal with things as they arise, such as responding "yes I remember that we already discussed this" or "yes I had already planned to do that as soon as xyz is finished." I am lucky though because most of the meetings we have now are conference calls, so you can put the phone on mute, say what you'd really like to say, then unmute and speak politely.

The idea of letting staff shine is so important to motivation, in my experience. I wish more people understood that.

p.s. I wish I knew how to speak in a clear neutral tone about things that bother me. No matter how much I try to calm down, wait for my blood pressure to return to normal, I always end up sounding either whiny or still ticked-off.

[Pax]

... p.s. I wish I knew how to speak in a clear neutral tone about things that bother me. No matter how much I try to calm down, wait for my blood pressure to return to normal, I always end up sounding either whiny or still ticked-off.

I get very very articulate and exacting when I'm wound up, I enunciate like a stage actor and it seems to intimidate the crap out of people. I tend to follow up with a very concise "are we clear" or "is there any question about what I just said"? at the end of each point. I've found, over the years, that people don't enjoy ticked off me very much, so they tend to work at avoiding creating the scenario.

Reading that I realized it makes me sound like a mean person, but I'm actually super friendly and get along with almost everyone. Maybe it's because it's rare to tick me off that it carries more weight when it happens. Hmmm

[Crankin]

It's a skill I teach to parents of kids with trauma. Also useful as a teacher. You cannot let emotion into your tone of voice.
Practice and practice, do it, and scream in private.

[OakLeaf]

Pax, I'm pretty sure I'd be TERRIFIED of you if you were PO'd.

[Pax]

Pax, I'm pretty sure I'd be TERRIFIED of you if you were PO'd.

I'm fierce, I tell ya!

[Jolt]

If my boss respects me I will typically keep her in the loop about what is going on. Let her know I'm going to take a shot at fixing the situation, but wanted to give her a heads up about it. Nothing for the boss to fix, just awareness that I'm trying to correct a situation, and if I'm not successful she'll already be aware and ready to take the correction to the next level.

As for the face to face with the co-worker, I'd go neutral but firm. I've had annoying coworkers in the past who, when confronted, seemed genuinely perplexed they were being perceived that way, good long talk about it cleared the air. On the flip side, I have a young coworker right now who is rude and annoying and is very content being that way. Our conversation about the way she interacts with me only served to scare her so now she stays away from me and doesn't interact. Win win!

I would definitely try speaking with her in private first about your concerns…she may have no idea how she is coming across and it is always more constructive to address these kinds of issues directly with the person involved before bringing it to the boss etc. Give her the chance to fix things before you report it to anyone else and potentially get her into trouble for something she may not even realize is a problem.

[Crankin]

I was once told that my "demeanor" let people know not to f*ck with me. But, I don't let it seep into my language or tone, like I used to, when I was younger. It's more non-verbal. Both of parents overreacted in their speech/tone and I learned how not to be from them! They weren't mean or tough, I think it was more a cultural expression of their feelings.

[jamesrx200]

I will confront her. My motto is if you are good to me, then I will be good to you too. If you cant respect me, then I wont respect you, enough said.