Saying nothing, not doing much is abit difficult

[shootingstar]

Have become good friends with another woman from the same employer. Known her now for over 3 years.

She's in her early-mid 40's and is single. No children. For whatever reason she refuses to tell me her exact age and she' not your delicate, fashionable chic dressed woman. A pragmatic, honest woman with some natural mechanical skills.

She rarely cooks a meal for herself. She buys prepared meals from stores or goes to restaurants. Is probably over 50 lbs overweight. She's been in 2 car accidents that has caused some long standing whiplash injuries .

However she loves to golf (and does do it with a pile of other women throughout the year which means she goes on golfing vacations too), kayaking (rare, because she needs to somewhere decent to do it) and occasionally cycles. She knows a lot about cycling, commuting and bikes...since that's actually part of her paid job.

I've discreetly steered us eat to at my place where I prepare a meal. I bring along a tiny amount of fresh fruit for us to snack. This weekend we just went to a leisurely ride to farmers' market.. I bought groceries while she bought bits for her backpack... When I eat out with her, I join in eating occasional fattening thick pizza (not my style), etc. I'm not a purist.

Sometimes there's absolutely nothing one can do. I'm certain half of her problem is eating at restaurants and never prepping any meal at home.

Anyway, I'm just mumbling in concern. I can only be a friend, have good times, etc.

[emily_in_nc]

Yup. Unless she asks for your help or advice, you just have to live and let live, even when it's hard or she does things dietarily that are not "right" for her. It's her life and her choices. To me, people who try to push their choices onto me when I haven't solicited their input are a real turn-off.

Just be her friend and let it be. Nothing wrong with bringing fruit or modeling healthier behavior, like buying healthy foods at the farmer's market, though.

[smilingcat]

Enjoy the food. Enjoy your friend!

If she enjoys deep dish pizza or Sicilian style by all means enjoy her eating her favorite dish. I'm sure you can find something else like simple salad with slice of mozzarella cheese and some olive...Just because she wants to order something bit heavy doesn't mean you have to do the same.

I can also understand why she doesn't want to cook. My mother and my partner's mother do the same sort of thing as your friend. They just don't find it all that exciting to cook for themselves and for one. Cooking often is a means to make others happy and the reward is in the gratitude you receive. So frozen dinner and take out it is when it is just for yourself.

Well at least she is golfing and does some cycling. Could be lot lot worse.

[shootingstar]

My mother and my partner's mother do the same sort of thing as your friend. They just don't find it all that exciting to cook for themselves and for one. Cooking often is a means to make others happy and the reward is in the gratitude you receive. So frozen dinner and take out it is when it is just for yourself.

I'm probably very different --even as a university student so long ago, I found preparing a meal for myself a source of comfort and intellectual relief from studying. I actually didn't understand other students' craze for consecutive nights of fast food. My home "comfort" food tends to be some of the Chinese peasant dishes that my mother prepared/still prepares that now I've integrated into my own style for the past few decades.

I don't really think much about cooking when it's for myself (and dearie isn't always around). Whereas for other people, it seems to require too much thinking, prepping even if it's just cooking for themselves. It's not as if I have well-stocked, hugely diverse fridge/cupboard either. (I was grateful for that when I was evacuated after a major river flood disaster last summer. At least I didn't lose much spoiled food when the electrical power was shut off.)

[Crankin]

I am more like you, Shooting Star. Maybe, even more so. When I was single, I made myself a home cooked meal every night. Made a grocery list, shopped weekly, and cooked. I still went out to restaurants a lot, but no different than I do now. This was right at the time (the only time) I had to lose a significant amount of weight, and I am sure eating fresh, non prepared food helped. It's also when i started exercising. I can't imagine buying food every night, even healthy food from the natural foods grocer. My cupboard was stocked, and I often cooked for my friends, in my tiny studio apartment. When i wanted a really good meal, I drove to my parents' house, about 5 miles away! Food is such an integral part of my extended family, I can't imagine any other way. My brother, who is ten years younger and brought up in an entirely different environment is exactly the same. His cupboards look scarily like mine!

[Irulan]

Just be her friend and let it be. Nothing wrong with bringing fruit or modeling healthier behavior, like buying healthy foods at the farmer's market, though.

Wise woman.

[shootingstar]

I am more like you, Shooting Star. Maybe, even more so. When I was single, I made myself a home cooked meal every night. Made a grocery list, shopped weekly, and cooked. I still went out to restaurants a lot, but no different than I do now. This was right at the time (the only time) I had to lose a significant amount of weight, and I am sure eating fresh, non prepared food helped. It's also when i started exercising. I can't imagine buying food every night, even healthy food from the natural foods grocer. My cupboard was stocked, and I often cooked for my friends, in my tiny studio apartment. When i wanted a really good meal, I drove to my parents' house, about 5 miles away! Food is such an integral part of my extended family, I can't imagine any other way. My brother, who is ten years younger and brought up in an entirely different environment is exactly the same. His cupboards look scarily like mine!

I don't shop every day. I just buy 1-2 times per week. For past few decades, I just cook using whole, fresh veggies, fresh meat (pretty rare that I buy frozen meat, but I take it home, cut it up and freeze meal size portions), etc. Really, cooking is like sleep-walking abit for me. It's semi-intuitive to throw meals together for myself, dearie or small group of family/friends. I don't even plan my meals much at all..I just buy what's on sale/in season and complement with other stuff.

In a way, it's like cycling: learn some good habits, good base dishes (like good base routes) and just go with the flow.

As for friend, I'm glad she is a naturally socialable person to do the golfing, etc. She knows my style of cooking because some of it reminds ....of her mother's style.

Here's my on-the-spot intuitive cooking for her and I a few days ago for supper: Japanese green tea noodles sautéed with tomatoes, canned clams, onions, garlic and basil. We had fresh corn on cob on the side. Then yogurt with fresh berries in season. We ate it all. And went out for cup of dark coffee at a café.

[Crankin]

I didn't shop everyday, either. Once a week to the regular store; just like my mom! I supplemented with trips to the co-op. The Tempe Natural Foods Co-op was big and active even in the late 70s. The last time I was in AZ, it's turned into a huge store, nothing like the natural foods store I go to now. My way of shopping and cooking never has changed much over the years, even with the addition of a husband and 2 kids. The only thing that's different now is that I go to local small farmers for fruits and veggies about 5 months out of the year.

[PamNY]

I'm certain half of her problem is eating at restaurants and never prepping any meal at home.

Wait, what -- her "problem?" What exactly is her problem? You describe her as an honest, pragmatic person with natural mechanical skills (something I envy). She golfs with friends, travels, enjoys kayaking, and knows a lot about cycling. Sounds like someone I'd like to meet (as long as there's not too much discussion about golf, but I digress).

I can't figure out how to express this politely so I will just say it -- such importance being attached to this woman's weight is disturbing to me.

[Crankin]

In some way, I agree with you, Pam, but I am finding it more and more difficult to be friends with people who don't live the same lifestyle I do. It might not sound nice, but it's true. I think for Shooting Star, it's just an observation of her friend's habits. At this point, I am down to just going out to eat or have coffee with 2 of my "regular" friends, whom I have known for 20+ years. One is overweight, has been since I've known her. She has every excuse in the world (I don't like to sweat) and it gets on my nerves. The other used to be fairly athletic, but has had a couple of injuries (she does things like tennis, which I suck at) and is just generally acting older and older, even though she is my age. They used to go out for a walk with me, but now, won't even do that. So much of my own life revolves around cycling or other outdoor activity, I am also limited in what I can talk to them about; our grown up kids, politics, gossip about others. It's sad, but true.

[salsabike]

Really? I love having friends who are into totally different things than me so I can hear about those things. That includes people in their 90s. A couple of people in wheelchairs. For me, that's the richness of other people--that they bring things to the table that I don't.

[Blueberry]

Sometimes there's absolutely nothing one can do. I'm certain half of her problem is eating at restaurants and never prepping any meal at home.

Wait, what -- her "problem?" What exactly is her problem? You describe her as an honest, pragmatic person with natural mechanical skills (something I envy). She golfs with friends, travels, enjoys kayaking, and knows a lot about cycling. Sounds like someone I'd like to meet (as long as there's not too much discussion about golf, but I digress).

I can't figure out how to express this politely so I will just say it -- such importance being attached to this woman's weight is disturbing to me.

I have debated responding to this thread - but since this is one of many, I feel I need to. I don't think this is necessarily intended, but this comes across as fat shaming (or whatever term you want to apply to the general judgments passed upon people with weight problems).

Since this woman doesn't model the OP's "good habits" of preparing all meals at home in a particular style of cooking, that is half of her "problem." Yet, the OP also admits she has injuries from car accidents - maybe there is a limit on her exercise, maybe she has endocrine issues, you just don't know. There are many assumptions that go into these kinds of judgments - some people don't have the time or resources to prepare healthy meals at home. There are plenty of studies out there saying that healthy eating is both time and money expensive. Doesn't sound like that is the issue here - but it is for a large number of people. Some people never learned to cook - it is something of an acquired skill. The OP mentions "eating occasional fattening thick pizza" with this woman. Are all of her meals like this?

I think I would have a lot in common with most of the women on TE - I bike (sometimes more than others - but I'm out there), I can ALWAYS go for a long walk or a hike (DH and I walked about 5 miles must for fun a couple of days ago), I go to the gym to supplement my exercise, and I swim. I do prepare most of my own meals from whole ingredients (generally minimally processed things, with few prepared sauces, etc.), mostly vegetables. I don't enjoy cooking for the most part - it takes time out of a generally overpacked schedule, but I do it for both health and financial reasons (eating high quality food out is expensive). Nevertheless, I have a weight problem. On the rare occasion I eat out, I will sometimes have a treat (probably less than once a month) - I might eat a small ice cream or a slice of pizza. People have actually said things to me about these occasional treats - people who don't know me, who have no idea what the rest of my lifestyle looks like, and who have absolutely no right to comment on my weight.

I completely understand a lifestyle difference being an issue with friendship - but I don't understand what seems to be a huge preoccupation with the weight of others or what they might eat during a few shared meals.

[OakLeaf]

Thank you, Pam and Blueberry.

I have no reason to think that Shootingstar is anything less than polite in her actual encounters with all these people, but the level of condescension that gets expressed in these threads has to be apparent to them. There's a world of difference between recognizing that one has little in common with someone, even someone who used to be a close friend, vs actively pursuing a relationship from a position of judgment.

[shootingstar]

Before this thread spins out of control....simply because I made an observation...

This why she is good friend, does other stuff that's interesting to hear, learn about, volunteers, etc. I follow her faithfully to health food stores where she buys organic fruit here and there, so clearly she cares about her health. (But unfortunately wasn't interested in buy fresh fruit at the market....which didn't make much sense. But anyway..)

She shows me literature about detox diets, etc. I rarely know how to respond to this. I just listen....because I don't know what to say. What would you do/say in my shoes as a close friend, in that situation?

Don't tear me down. Seriously folks.

So there's not much I've bothered to do for the past 3 years and probably not much I plan to, as a friend. The half-joke that I said earlier that some of my cooking probably reminds her of her mother's cooking: she is Chinese-Canadian also and also a peasant family background. That's the insider knowledge of this story.

In the Calgary where I live, unlike Vancouver or Toronto, a lot of the restaurant food choices are just heavier. Period. Less seafood, veggie choices. This is ranchland prairie Canada. I was abit stunned going into a Chinese restaurant here for dim sum...and how different the style was in terms of execution: heavier, oilier dim sum and even more larger portions (when already Chinese restaurants do serve large share portions).

[malkin]

Maybe your friend is also biting her tongue, secretly wishing that you would make food choices that would give you a more substantial body weight like hers!