Negativity? Depression? How to make a friendship with doom and gloom?
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I really am curious how anyone can carry around negativity without it crushing them? I say this as someone who was dx'ed as unipolar depressed (I'm bipolar II and trend towards mania now more than anything). I know what depression feels like but I am not sure that's what I would call this attitude. And I'm not sure what it is.
I live with a roommate who is very, very negative. She's also one of my closest friends and has been for YEARS. I love her to death but I really don't hang around at all anymore. I basically live with my boyfriend and am leaving the place that she and I share this summer to move in with him (no brainer!). She was downright awful all fall, called my parents alcoholics (in an unfounded manner), said my boyfriend was a loser, etc. She eventually apologized and it seemed like we were going to be okay after a bit. I mean, it got to the point that I wanted to move out at one point because I was having panic attacks anytime I was in my place due to her claiming I was "deserting her". I want to continue the friendship and it seemed like we were getting along better but, man, today was nothing but negativity.
I recently received a big grant to do research in Canada and everyone (for the most part) was psyched for me. I am so, so excited about this great opportunity. It's been a lot of work getting here. Anyhow, she took me out to chat with me today and catch up since she just got back from a trip and it was nothing but negativity and "woe is me". Everytime something good happens for her, I cheer her on because I'm her friend but I get nothing from her. Instead, of us chatting and her asking me for advice on roommate hunting, it turned into how I was deserting her again and 101 reasons why my boyfriend is awful and we shouldn't move in together. The reason she hates him (I think) is because he has two kids with his ex and she was abandoned by her father as a kid. He is not like her father AT ALL, mind you, and no one else has a problem with her but she thinks he's all wrong. None of her reasons even make sense. Today it was, "Are you sure he will want to move with you when you graduate?" never mind we had this conversation months ago and it's been shown that he is in full support of my career because my job is far less flexible location-wise.
I feel like all I do is listen to her whine and by silence help support her constant negative attitude. But I don't really know what to do better. She has no coping mechanisms apart from spending tons and tons of cash on clothing and beauty products (money she doesn't have). I don't want to make it worse. I have suggested therapy whenever she has expressed wanting to stop being so negative but she blows it off. I say it from a place of "this really helps me, maybe it could help you" not "you should go to therapy". She admits to having issues (I believe she has OCD like me as well, and she concurs) but just says "that's just how I will always be". It sounds like depression but she has doesn't do anything. And when someone is depressed, all you can do is be supportive, I guess. I want to be her friend because she's been a big part of my adult life and big changes are coming for us. We will both hopefully graduate next year, get jobs, and move away and I think I will be getting married in the next year or two I would love to share this stuff with her but I just feel so depressed and frustrated after talking to her. It's hurting me to talk with her but I feel selfish when I say that. I know she has been with me through tough times too.
This whole thing is compounded, of course, by the fact that we live together and are in the same program.
Any advice in dealing with this?
***proud Hoosier, statistics nerd, and mom to a headstrong toddler***
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