Deep Depression

[VeganBikeChick]

Just wanted to get some feedback from you ladies. I've been talking with my best friend but even she's getting tired of my calls.

I fear I'm in a deep depression. I've never felt so sad and alone before. It's an effort just to get to work everyday; forget about doing the dishes or cleaning (doesn't look like Hoarders yet!). Moved here to CO about 8 months ago from Seattle - had visited CO a couple times and fell in love with the sun and scenery. Part of the issue is that right after I moved here, I met a guy and we started dating. I fell head over heels - he's quite eccentric and doesn't behave like a "normal" boyfriend would. I've become codependent on him for my happiness and know it's SO unhealthy, but I can't seem to meet any women my age here. I just want to have a girls' night out or hang out at a friend's, but know no one. Moved here literally not knowing a soul. My coworkers are nice, but all of them are married/paired and don't do anything outside of work. I feel great when I'm with my guy, but know in my heart we're not meant to be long-term, and am more than depressed when we're not together. Ending things has me terrified, as he's the only one I have for company.

I want to move back to Seattle - all of my friends live there. I've left there 3x and moved back 3x. This would be the 4th. I keep leaving because of the gray - it really depresses me, but I'm far more depressed here with the sun shining in my face and the panoramic mountains in the background. It's more or less my security blanket, and it's very possible that if I move back, I'll still be sad, but think that the familiarity and my friends around would comfort me. I'm so at unease here - my heart hurts, I cry all the time, and can't summon up an ounce of energy to go do things - unless it's with the boyfriend, then I'm happy as a clam.

I am seeing a therapist about my relationship, and she's trying to encourage me to get out and do things on my own. It's just feels so insurmountable right now.

Thanks for reading my post, and if anyone's ever been to this dark place before, I'd love to hear your coping mechanisms.

[Irulan]

This sounds like a pretty fixable situational depression. This kind is lots easier to fix that the kind induced by trauma, PTSD or biochemical mayhem.

[shootingstar]

I'm sorry to hear your heart /soul is hurting, VeganBike.

I don't know about you, but I tell people (because it's true), living here out in the prairies has not been an easy adjustment. Yes, we get lots of sun year round, even if it gets very cold in the winter with snow. Overall the vibe where I am is quite different from either Vancouver or Toronto --still more conservative than either city even with a smallish rag tag of people who are creative, forward thinking outliers. It IS so different here with the shadow of oil and gas industry over the politics, the economy, etc. People are afraid to speak out long and hard, and loud.

I know what you mean not wanting to clean up at home, etc. (But I know some of it is just me --lazy, not interested in housework. Have been like this for um..decades.) Cycling and doing art are my solace, balm and has been the best way to learn and enjoy the area where I live. I still hardly know anyone close enough to do stuff. Only 1 person and she still doesn't know much about me. But she will in time. Meanwhile dearie and I try to coordinate our lives together across 2 provinces. Thank goodness for Internet, visits and long stays.

As mentioned in previous threads over the years, it can become harder to make new, lasting friends as one gets older and relocates homes in various regions/cities.

Does your boyfriend know how sad you are? But doesn't sound as if he will help you. Does he feel the same ...it won't be long-term either? Because if he doesn't know, it takes a lot of energy to hide this from him. Your worry about this is sucking some energy out of you.

People say well, get involved in stuff, volunteer. True, that's what I did in the other cities where I lived. At this time, I'm only a participant in cycling events here and there which is good enough for me. I will always cycle, but right now if I get involved in "something" it will be totally different than cycling. There are other personal interests I haven't explored enough/grown in skills that lie latent at this point in my life. This is why I do art on the side. Have been dissatisfied with the quality of evening art courses locally. So right now, not sure what to do. (I didn't have this problem in Vancouver and Toronto....they have some long standing educational programs with excellent curriculum.)

I figure if I do a lot of stuff on my own, I might as well do stuff that I'm passionate and happiest at the activities. It doesn't solve expanding social circles matters, but at least I use my own personal time that's productive...for me.

[lph]

To be honest I don't know much about clinical depression, but my gut feeling is that feeling at home with friends and good social relationships is a lot more important to daily wellbeing than climate and weather, even if the climate is "grey and depressing".

[Crankin]

Some people do have real seasonal affective disorder, which is a type of major depressive disorder. Social isolation is a prime symptom of depression, though. Vegan, it's good you are getting therapy, I am wondering what type of therapy your counselor is using? A lot of times people who are depressed respond very well to CBT, as it deals with the negative patterns of thinking that maintain those feelings. Some of the other things I often recommend to adults are yoga and acupuncture. If you can find a Mindfulness Stress Reduction class, that also teaches coping skills that are great for anyone, really, but often give people a sense of peace. This class is often given through hospitals/community education agencies.
Something else that helps to give structure to your day is volunteering. Not something that is a huge commitment, but a lot of the time, helping others helps you take the focus off of your thoughts that are maintaining the depressive feelings.

[OakLeaf]

(((((((VBC))))))))

That's an awful choice to have to make. Lack of sunlight IS extremely unhealthy for body and emotions. But so is lack of friends. I'm not going to offer any trite, happy-face suggestions for "meeting people," for all the reasons you already know - you've probably already done several of them; your therapist has probably already made the suggestions; "meeting people" is not the same as building a deep support network, which takes years; and most importantly, making yourself vulnerable to people in the way that's needed to build a support network is about the last thing a depressed person is capable of doing.

Is going back to Seattle at least temporarily - and buying a light box and some full spectrum bulbs to get you through the day the day - an option? That would both get you away from the BF and into the arms of your friends at the same time. You could take some time to recharge and investigate new places to live, with your new understanding that you need to better investigate the social scene and the character of the people in any place you're thinking about moving.

[Crankin]

The light box really does work. I have a close friend who has been using one for years.
You know, the advice Oakleaf gave about understanding the character of the people/social scene of a prospective place to live is something that we all need to pay attention to. I saw this so much when I lived in AZ. People are often lured by the weather, and think that starting over in a place with endless summer will fix everything and anything. Then, eventually, the same issues start popping up and they are in a place with no family or social support from friends. I am not speaking specifically to Vegan Bike Chic here, but more as a general thought, because I have seen this so many times, it really resonated with me. I've lived in 4 states and the differences in the "character" of each place are enormous. There are some places that I just could not live, even though the environment would be perfect for my outdoor pursuits.

[indysteel]

This sounds like a pretty fixable situational depression. This kind is lots easier to fix that the kind induced by trauma, PTSD or biochemical mayhem.

I have to wonder if this depression is situational, rather than one caused by biological mayhem. From the sound of it, VBC has been depressed for a while and in a number of situations. Maybe there's something more going on than just a lack of friends and rainy weather.

VBC, have you talked to your therapist about taking an antidepressant? In the very least, it might be helpful in getting you to a better place as far as building some social connections. It takes a while--depression or not--to feel at home in a new place. Also, are you getting regular exercise and are you doing it in a group setting?

[OakLeaf]

Speaking of PTSD, as a cancer survivor, it would be unusual for you NOT to have post-traumatic issues. The only difference between intensive medical treatment and what's commonly defined as torture is that it's supposed to be "good for you," which carries its own psychological burdens because of your having put yourself voluntarily into the doctors' hands. I hope your therapist is sensitive to that aspect of your situation, as well.

[badger]

Firstly, I'd like to offer my sympathies because I have recently been touched by severe depression. Not myself but watching someone I love suffer with it is heart breaking. Because of its fallout, I've started counselling as well as taking a very low dose of antidepressants. It's so low I didn't think it had any effect but I believe it is helping me in my situation.

I also concur that it is probably good if your counsellor practised CBT. And taking some omega 3 with high EPA and I'm sure yoga would be very helpful.

If you think you are codependent on your boyfriend, it probably is a good thing to work on that. A friend was in a similar situation have said that the book "Codependent No More" was helpful.

I hope you can get some help of some sort to help you feel better.

[shootingstar]

You know VeganBike, you might be more naturally socialable than I. Which might be why you'll like to have some 1-2 good female friends locally, sooner rather than later. I was never quite a girls' night out joiner. Friendships for me have been/continue to be one to one, because each good female friend in my life are each quite different in orientation, shared activities and from different spheres in life.

It's not that I've given up, but I know good friendships take time and can't be forced.

For awhile I flagellated myself why on earth did I make the decision to relocate where I am now. Then I sat back and realized: I should take advantage of my experience of living and cycling in 3 different regions of Canada ...and offer that knowledge/experience to others. It is one of the reasons why I blog: though life right now isn't a cakewalk, I want to share the very best that I know and have seen.

[Crankin]

When I made the comment about people relocating to the Sunbelt and taking their problems with them, I would say that most of these people moved by choice, not because they had to take a job there. They decided life would be "happier" in a place with endless summer and then found a job and moved. It would be fine for awhile, but then marital, children, emotional and social issues seemed to come out at about the 9 month to one year mark.
This is just an observation, as I especially saw it as a teacher, with kids moving in from other places. It takes work to integrate yourself into a community. I am a very social person and when I moved back to Massachusetts, it took a lot of work. Most people here stick with friends they've had for years and/or their families. It was worth it, though.
Making friends in AZ was easy, as everyone was new and mostly friendly. However, I have lived in a place I despised (Miami), so I understand the feeling of not fitting in.

[VeganBikeChick]

I have to wonder if this depression is situational, rather than one caused by biological mayhem. From the sound of it, VBC has been depressed for a while and in a number of situations. Maybe there's something more going on than just a lack of friends and rainy weather.

VBC, have you talked to your therapist about taking an antidepressant? In the very least, it might be helpful in getting you to a better place as far as building some social connections. It takes a while--depression or not--to feel at home in a new place. Also, are you getting regular exercise and are you doing it in a group setting?

Indysteel, thanks so much for your post. I am beginning to realize that no matter where I live, depression is going to follow me. My choices in life have led me to where I am; I can't help but compare myself to my friends who are married, with families, and think how much happier I'd be if I was able to follow in their footsteps. But everything happens for a reason, and for whatever reason, it's not meant to be for me - at least right now. I don't think moving back to Seattle is going to make me any happier in the short term than I am here - I'll have my friends, but my depression will still be there.

My therapist is only a social worker, so not able to prescribe meds - I'd really like to avoid taking them if I can. There's nothing wrong with it, I'd just prefer to go a more natural route - such as incorporating yoga, volunteering, etc into my routine. It's just taking the first step that is so daunting right now.

I appreciate your advice.

[VeganBikeChick]

And since I don't have the time to respond to everyone individually, I'd like to thank you all for your responses and insight. Focusing on me and what makes me happy right now is something I need to do. My depression is my loneliness - Friday nights are especially difficult because I'd love to be out enjoying myself but have no one to go out with. Coupled with a large decrease in my salary with the move, I can't just spend left and right on activities.

I've decided to stick it out here for now - I can't keep running away and think things will be better. Familiarity is comforting but certainly no cure for depression. The boyfriend is a different story. Severing ties will be difficult but I think it will be a huge weight lifted in the long term.

I am grateful to each and every TE'er, you have been such amazing support for me.

[Irulan]

Perhaps it's time to change who you do your therapeutic work with, someone with more training in depression issues, who at least can refer you to someone who can prescribe. Also, consider being open to medication. Sometime it IS what works. If all that "natural" stuff isn't working, then it's time to do something different. If you had a heart condition that didn't respond to diet and exercise, I imagine you'd consider taking the next step.

I was pretty brusque in my initial post - sorry about that. If depression has been following you, there's probably something else going on. I have been depressed my whole adult life, and none of the "natural" routes work for me: it's deep biochemical stuff than endorphins and being sugar free don't really have impact on. Medication made a huge (life changing) difference in my ability to function. This is why I get so annoyed when people talk about "happy pills". It's very dismissive of what is a real problem for many people.