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Thread: OT: Slob

  1. #61
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    Mrs. KnottedYet
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    I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry, that was not my intent

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    ...and the stoning, can't believe I made a joke about that, that's so not funny and on a personal level that should never have left my fingers. I'm sorry.

    I'll try to make this long story my Dad told me short.

    When my Dad was a small child the family lived in Israel, then called Palestine. One day the small family, my Dad and my Aunt in the care of an Aunt and Uncle took a vacation to the hills. Along the way they passed through a small town.

    Up to that point my Dads childhood impression of the Middle East is that it was a very tolerant place, Christians, Jews, Muslims, everyone pretty much getting along. But according to my Dad the British were stirring up trouble between the Muslims and Jews, Dad was pretty good at history, don't know all the details of that part so anyway they drive into this tiny town as afternoon prayers are getting over and the congregation (I guess called the same) leaves the Mosque.

    Seeing the small Jewish family the car was surrounded by the angry mob and ..well things did not good for Trek being here today.

    Just then the Muslim cleric came out and saw what was about to occur as my Dad described it strode into the mob at risk to his own life.

    I recall my Dad telling me that the cleric said something like "we're Muslims, this is wrong, we don't kill innocent people". Anyway given that lesson the crowd parted, the little family left and here I am today.

    This made an impression on me. Though I'm not observent my family background was very religious Jewish and my core belief is that Christians, Jews, Muslims, Budhists, Pagan, straights gays, cyclists, roller bladers (well maybe not them) ....our core beliefs values are much the same and no one religion has a monopoly on what's right, all have value.

    Sorry for any upset that I have caused. Off to do the dishes which are piled up.
    Last edited by Trek420; 02-11-2006 at 07:10 PM.
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  2. #62
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    I second both of your statements Hell-uv. Well said.
    I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days. ~Bill Dana

  3. #63
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    Jan 2006
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    Morgan Hill, CA
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    I should not be doing this, I should just go about my business and not post this - but I can't help it. I realize that this thread maybe appear to be disheartening to some people, but what's going on here is actually a good thing (stay with me, here).
    A post of this nature is not going to change someone's views or beliefs or heal deep seated wounds that have been inflicted by harmful ideologies. BUT we are all women here and we have a lot in common just in that fact alone. We are mothers, sisters, wives ("legal" or not), daughters and friends. Regardless of whom we choose to love, male or female, or whom we choose to worship - it is safe to say that most of us, being the nature of women, would stand up for those things we hold dear...and we'll stand strong. The problem is that we need to realize that each of us holds different things dear. We are all individuals and we all have the capibility to love.
    What I found most hopeful is that the women who have posted here have all been obviously intelligent and they have been brave enough to stand up for what they believe in. That is admirable in every case.
    What we need to do now is go back and look at our peers here - on this women based group -and see them as individuals, not as representatives of stereotypical groups we dislike.
    This world is kind of a mess - let's work together to make it better and kinder.

  4. #64
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    Sillycon Valley, California
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    Well said cari!

  5. #65
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    Apr 2005
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    Dallas, TX
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    My parents actually used the trash bag method on me when I was a child and I have to admit it worked. So that's not a bad approach.
    So, basically, you have to treat him like a kid... to get him to help around the house.

    He's not going to change. From what you said, he has been this way for 5 years. Only you can change at this point.

    The underlying issue here though... is that you want to feel like he respects you and what you do... by helping out.

    When you do EVERYTHING... he never does ANYTHING around the house... you start to feel... TRAMPLED ON and ABUSED.

    Yes, I lived through this in a 5 year marriage. Everytime I would ask for help... he would give me excuses why he couldn't do anything... and trust me... he did NOTHING. He barely worked half the time we were married.

    This is the very reason why I do not want to live with or marry anyone again.

    But...since you seem like you want to stay with him... ... you need to have him pay for 1/2 of a maid service... problem solved. (I tried this too, but my ex *****ed about the expense, so I had to pay for it myself... but not like he had a job or any money!)

  6. #66
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
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    FL
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    KSH is right. You both been living together for 5 yrs, I don't see why he would change after all that time getting away with that. You must ask yourself one question: What if you both have kids? Do you think he would help with the house shores then? See... If you have a messy husband how do you explain your kids that they must pick up after themselves? Kids get to be very messy and are "hard work" (no pun intended ), if you got into an argument with him now because you had a bad week it will get ugly with the little ones around.
    Suggestions: Get a dog (since they are like kids sometimes) and see if you would be able to handle a dog and a slob.

    Oh... almost forgot. The "trash treatment" works.
    Last edited by Hell-uv-a-job; 02-12-2006 at 02:15 PM.
    "I might not be riding fast but I'm still quicker than if I were on the couch" -Anonymous

  7. #67
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    Apr 2004
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    Chicago
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    Thanks gals. It's not like he does nothing around the place. We're both painting the house to prep it for going on the market. It's the day to day "tidying up" that he completely sucks at. We have a dog, and 2 cats. Kids aren't on the horizon, for reasons other than them taking after their father in the cleaning dept

    I'm hoping when we move and he owns half the house, he'll care more. Currently I'm on the mortgage here and he pays me rent, but he doesn't own anything. Not that that excuses anything, but I'm hoping since I can't change him that his perspective will change. He told me it wasn't personal when I told him it reflected his respect for my feelings. I did my best to convey that it indeed was, even if he didn't think so. It's not the act, it could not be cleaning but something else that bothered me, but the fact that it bothers me doesn't phase him. And that was the issue that was making me so pissed.

    Anyway, I have lots of suggestions. This by no means is a deal breaker to the relationship. I'm not perfect either so he puts up with my respective crap. And he's wonderful in most every other way. I just had to rant and knew you would lend a good ear and give some nice tips

    As for the other stuff on the thread, I'm not getting involved there
    "Only the meek get pinched, the bold survive"

  8. #68
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    Memphis
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    Quote Originally Posted by betagirl
    I'm hoping when we move and he owns half the house, he'll care more.
    Personally, I think that is a forlorn hope. Either he doesn't notice or doesn't care, and ownership is not going to change that.

    My big question is, was he ever trained to clean? I have a theory -- and it's been borne out by nearly everyone who has answered the question -- that if there are more boys than girls in a family, the boys don't do housework (doing dishes is excluded from the theory). If there are more girls, the boys share in the housework. The theory only holds when the siblings are relatively close in age.

    If he wasn't trained and he's not in the habit, he's not going to change unless it's to his advantage -- i.e., he'll lose something important to him if he doesn't mend his ways.
    "This is totally unfair! Just because I'm from another planet, I don't have rights? I mean, doesn't the Geneva convention protect extraterrestrials?" (Stargate)

  9. #69
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eaglewalker
    I have a theory -- and it's been borne out by nearly everyone who has answered the question -- that if there are more boys than girls in a family, the boys don't do housework (doing dishes is excluded from the theory). If there are more girls, the boys share in the housework. The theory only holds when the siblings are relatively close in age.

    If he wasn't trained and he's not in the habit, he's not going to change unless it's to his advantage -- i.e., he'll lose something important to him if he doesn't mend his ways.
    Not necessarily, maybe his mom was a clean freak and since he's grown old he can do whatever he wants. I would call those "rebel slobs" . In my hubby's case both his parents worked and went to school and also they were kind of slobish so he did not know any better. With a little patient and the fact that HE WANTED to do the right thing, things got "cleaner". I am a clean freak but not to the point of making his life miserable. I have to admit, he is a great husband and goes out of his way not to see me mad, and I spoil him A LOT .
    "I might not be riding fast but I'm still quicker than if I were on the couch" -Anonymous

  10. #70
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    Now that is entirely possible, but I still don't think that house ownership is going to change anything -- especially not shared ownership.

    I will admit to a strongly-held position, based on my own upbringing: I will not clean up after a man, nor do I think women should -- not when it means that the woman has the major burden of homemaking/housekeeping. It's one thing if homemaking is her job, so that she spends most of her time creating and sustaining the home, while he spends most of his time making the money that enables them to have a life, or if she does the inside work while he does the outside work, and the amount of work is roughly equivalent. What commonly happens, however, is that while both partners have equally demanding paid jobs, the woman takes on the vast majority of the home work, and ends up contributing far more time and energy than the man does. Even if he takes on the "outside work", it rarely takes as much time as the "inside work".

    I don't have the studies at hand, but I believe this phenomenon is well-documented.
    "This is totally unfair! Just because I'm from another planet, I don't have rights? I mean, doesn't the Geneva convention protect extraterrestrials?" (Stargate)

  11. #71
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    Eaglewalker "I don't have the studies at hand, but I believe this phenomenon is well-documented."

    I think what you're talking about is this:
    http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/sci_cul...2/sansell.html

    I've heard it called "the Second Shift" by some.

    This phenomena that mostly applies to women. Does this ever happen that you get home and are asked imediately "what's for dinner?" that kinda thing. I think most here would agree that whatever your relationship status or kind, communication so that no one person feel taken advantage of or over worked or over stressed is important.
    Fancy Schmancy Custom Road bike ~ Mondonico Futura Legero
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  12. #72
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    Trek--

    I think that cites most of the US studies. Though one line in that article gave me the giggles -- "she wakes early to start her 9am job and doesn't return home until 5pm."

    Starts when? Returns when? Dang! I get up at 6am to start work by 8:30am and think myself lucky if I get home by 6:30pm. Rarely do I take lunch. I have at most half-an-hour a day to do a household chore or two -- the rest of the time is spent taking care of the critters (and part of this time is multi-tasking: working my remote job while I exercise the chinchillas). I have lost some eight or ten pounds in the last two weeks because I have not had time to eat properly, either at work or at home. My place is a wreck. This is a sorrow to me as I am by nature quite neat, but there's not much I can do about it until I get more of the rabbits into permanent homes.

    (And before anyone asks, the critter care is because I have a house full of rescue rabbits, from this rescue: http://homepage.mac.com/lauriekay/PhotoAlbum7.html . The chinchillas are from another rescue. I don't collect or breed animals. I have five rabbit pens in what used to be my dining room, two in what used to be my living room, another in my study, plus my own "free range" rabbit, who is in the process of becoming best friends with the bun in the study.)
    "This is totally unfair! Just because I'm from another planet, I don't have rights? I mean, doesn't the Geneva convention protect extraterrestrials?" (Stargate)

  13. #73
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    Sep 2004
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    Quote Originally Posted by pkq
    Battling terrorism, regardless of where it is, is fighting for a way of life.
    The 9/11 portion of a previous post disrespects the people who died that day and subsequent days. I love the USA and believe in its greatness. Patriotism? Yes. That is also disallowed in many circles these days in the U.S. Sad in my book. We enjoy benefits by living here many other countries don't afford. Do we have problems? Sure. But I'll take our problems and work towards solutions.
    Hot thread. I don't want to burn my fingers, but can't resist.

    First, PKG. I feel there are way too many on the right who insist that Strongly Objecting to the iraq war is the same as being unpatriotic. On the contrary, I believe open discussion is very patriotic. It says I love this country but believe we've made a mistake and need to fix it. It most definitely does NOT disrespect those who died on 9-11. That was a tragedy and I'm tired of hearing it invoked as the reason we invaded Iraq. The two are completely unrelated. There is no link whatsoever. I think (no, I KNOW) the Iraq war is an abomination. The CIA (Paul Pillar head of info on iraq) has come out to state that Bush had them massage and cherry-pick the information they had about Iraq in order to back a decision for war which had already been made. Many generals have also publicly disagreed with war. But the right keeps up the loud spin proclamation: if you disagree with the war you are unpatriotic. What??? I support those troops more than the warmongers. They'd be a hell of a lot better off at home. They should never have gone there and we should stop killing more of our young men. Not to mention, since when does dissent = traitor? And battling terrorism? You're kidding right? Cuz I don't see how killing afghanis and iraqis has been helpful. We destroy their infrastructure so they don't have basic necessities like electricity etc. and then we call ourselves heros? It has increased the hatred towards us and doubtless increased the ranks of those who would perform evil upon us. And as for defending my way of life? I really don't think a president who believes he is above the law and can wire tap whenever whoever he wants is protecting my way of life. He is infringing upon it. Then renaming his activities anti-terroism is BS. Plus lying to start a war? Hmm, that doesn't defend my way of life either. My way of life includes peaceful coexistence with other countries. I heard a really good plan for peace. First, don't start any wars....

    As for morality issues etc. I'm with trek420 et al. I'm married and straight. I simply cannot figure out how a gay/lesbian couple getting married defiles the sanctity of my marriage. Or anyone elses. Could someone explain that to me? Just the idea that state and federal politicians would consider adding to the lawbooks (or constitution) laws that are intrinsically prejudiced (i.e. no gay marriage) is beyond me. Did we not learn anything from those old laws forbidding interracial marriage? That's based on the bible too. By the way, I love the dear Dr. Laura letter. I think everyone needs to admit that no-one follows the bible to the letter. So note that while male homosexuality is forbidden in the text, female homosexuality is not. And alot of my clothing is made out of multiple fibers what with stretch jeans being so popular and all...

    Conservative viewpoints are fine. But not when that includes forcing those beliefs upon others. So, if you think gay marriage is wrong then marry someone of the opposite sex. But let others who have made that choice (although homosexuality is not actually a choice) live their lives too.

    OK. I've got my protective gear on now. I'm ready for the fallout.

  14. #74
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
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    2,609
    I love the fact that we all have a place to voice our opinions, be they similar or not. We should all be thankful for that.

    I have to add my Dr. Laura gripe. I used to really like alot of what she said -not all, but alot of the opinions about women wising up and not being doormats. However, one woman called in. She was pregnant, out of wedlock. She was already a single mother of a 12-year old. Dr. Laura strongly suggested, insisted in fact, that she give the baby up for adoption. 'How can you even consider raising this baby without the benefit of a father?' I was so outraged, and never listened to her again. What should this woman do with her 12-year-old? Give her up for adoption too? What should every divorced or widowed woman do? Give up their kids? Because by virtue of being single they are no longer fit to raise the child on their own? Argghhh! So, while Dr. Laura's advice, books and shows (yes, I have read her books) helped me get out of an awful marriage, sometimes she completely misses the mark. By a mile.

  15. #75
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    Jun 2005
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    Quote Originally Posted by doc
    Hot thread. I don't want to burn my fingers, but can't resist.

    First, PKG. I feel there are way too many on the right who insist that Strongly Objecting to the iraq war is the same as being unpatriotic. On the contrary, I believe open discussion is very patriotic. It says I love this country but believe we've made a mistake and need to fix it. It most definitely does NOT disrespect those who died on 9-11. That was a tragedy and I'm tired of hearing it invoked as the reason we invaded Iraq. The two are completely unrelated. There is no link whatsoever. I think (no, I KNOW) the Iraq war is an abomination. The CIA (Paul Pillar head of info on iraq) has come out to state that Bush had them massage and cherry-pick the information they had about Iraq in order to back a decision for war which had already been made. Many generals have also publicly disagreed with war. But the right keeps up the loud spin proclamation: if you disagree with the war you are unpatriotic. What??? I support those troops more than the warmongers. They'd be a hell of a lot better off at home. They should never have gone there and we should stop killing more of our young men. Not to mention, since when does dissent = traitor? And battling terrorism? You're kidding right? Cuz I don't see how killing afghanis and iraqis has been helpful. We destroy their infrastructure so they don't have basic necessities like electricity etc. and then we call ourselves heros? It has increased the hatred towards us and doubtless increased the ranks of those who would perform evil upon us. And as for defending my way of life? I really don't think a president who believes he is above the law and can wire tap whenever whoever he wants is protecting my way of life. He is infringing upon it. Then renaming his activities anti-terroism is BS. Plus lying to start a war? Hmm, that doesn't defend my way of life either. My way of life includes peaceful coexistence with other countries. I heard a really good plan for peace. First, don't start any wars....

    As for morality issues etc. I'm with trek420 et al. I'm married and straight. I simply cannot figure out how a gay/lesbian couple getting married defiles the sanctity of my marriage. Or anyone elses. Could someone explain that to me? Just the idea that state and federal politicians would consider adding to the lawbooks (or constitution) laws that are intrinsically prejudiced (i.e. no gay marriage) is beyond me. Did we not learn anything from those old laws forbidding interracial marriage? That's based on the bible too. By the way, I love the dear Dr. Laura letter. I think everyone needs to admit that no-one follows the bible to the letter. So note that while male homosexuality is forbidden in the text, female homosexuality is not. And alot of my clothing is made out of multiple fibers what with stretch jeans being so popular and all...

    Conservative viewpoints are fine. But not when that includes forcing those beliefs upon others. So, if you think gay marriage is wrong then marry someone of the opposite sex. But let others who have made that choice (although homosexuality is not actually a choice) live their lives too.

    OK. I've got my protective gear on now. I'm ready for the fallout.
    I could not have said it better. While I wanted to bring about some of those points myself, I feared that I had thrown enough fuel to the fire (with the Dr. Laura letter) by now. May I add one thing? The only individuals that were "bashed" are a loosely identified group of people that adhere to the outrageous beliefs espoused by Dr. Laura (as expressed in her quotes about discrimination) and those who would take to heart a literal interpretation of ancient scriptures. I do not want to put my foot in my mouth, but I do not think being socially conservative equates supporting those views... In fact, those who want to preserve traditional values of respect and neighborly love (as I myself do) would certainly find those views repugnant.
    I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days. ~Bill Dana

 

 

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