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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
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    the foggy wetlands,los osos,ca
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    Strange situation need advice please.

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    Ok long story short, mom and dad split when I was 2 never saw him again till I was 9 and that was till his mom died so about hmmm 9 months I had to see him every other weekend and I was always with his wife or his mom and not him.
    Tried to keep in touch with him but he never returned the favor. No birthday, no christmas, so child support.
    Saw him on his terms about 19 years ago. We met at a lake cause he wanted to go fishing. Not us fishing, him. Kinda stayed in touch but it was mostly his wife that tried to get us together. But she always wanted me to come there. And she sounds like a whiny Marilyn Monroe which grinds on me. And it was always her not him asking. And he never knew when she was calling me till she said here it's your daughter. Lasted a couple months then stopped.

    Well now she is calling me because he is terminal. Oh and they got divorced 6 months after they got married. They did only date 3 weeks till they got hitched. And he bought a house and is letting her live in while he lives in a trailor behind the house. 18 years after they split? WT?
    Well I think he is in a hospital in LA which is 4 hours from me. But that is beside the point I am trying to make here.
    I don't want to see him. I don't know him, got sick of trying when he would not make the effort back. All I know about him fit's in my hand.
    He said once that I was the worst thing he had ever lost. Well umm I gave you MANY chances. MANY. waited 43 year for you.
    Now that he is dyeing he wants (again) for me to come see him. Which is coming from his EX wife and not him.
    Am I bad person? I had a very messed up upraising and not once was he there to help me through it. Not one time.
    And I am exhausted from working on the road and finally home today (yeaaa) and my answering machine is filled with her whiny voice begging me to come down. After driving 10 hours today after 3 months of being on the road. Hmmmm? Not feeling like taking on that emotion. And I have family memebers who deserve my attention way more. Like my niece Lorelei. Ok I am done ranting. Any opinions are welcome feeling strange about this. Does not help how tired I am from working and just want to decompress.
    Should I feel quilt for someone I don't know even if he is the dad I NEVER had?
    Thanks for listening.
    Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
    > Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Western Canada-prairies, mountain & ocean
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    6,984
    I think you tried to give him time by visiting him several times, even though at the urging of his ex-wife.

    You could always call him or send him a card at least. This gives you distance and something for him to think instead of being forced to respond whenever you are physically there.

    He is dying. But it has to be you wanting to do it, not because of guilt. Right now, you don't sound even mentally in the right shape and with right energy to deal with a terminally ill person.
    My Personal blog on cycling & other favourite passions.
    遙知馬力日久見人心 Over a long distance, you learn about the strength of your horse; over a long period of time, you get to know what’s in a person’s heart.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    the foggy wetlands,los osos,ca
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    2,860
    Quote Originally Posted by shootingstar View Post
    I think you tried to give him time by visiting him several times, even though at the urging of his ex-wife.

    You could always call him or send him a card at least. This gives you distance and something for him to think instead of being forced to respond whenever you are physically there.

    He is dying. But it has to be you wanting to do it, not because of guilt. Right now, you don't sound even mentally in the right shape and with right energy to deal with a terminally ill person.
    More then anything I have no energy or the mental ability to deal with it at this moment.
    I will send a letter. I guess I
    should just say I forgive him in it and hopefully give him some kind of peace.
    Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
    > Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    I'm the only one allowed to whine
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    10,557
    Don't go.

    He doesn't want to see you. The ex-wife wants it. These calls to your answering machine are about HER needs. Not yours. Not his.

    He made his choices. You made yours.

    He's dying... so what? Everyone dies eventually. Nothing for you to feel guilty about.

    He's not part of your life. He's just a sperm donor you got some genes from.



    ETA: Don't write a letter and forgive him to give him peace. Only do it if it will give you peace. And you know darn well the ex wife is going to become dependent on you if you get involved at all. She's still dependent on him. He provided her with a home. After he dies, are you going to put the trailer in your back yard and let her live there with you?
    Last edited by KnottedYet; 11-11-2011 at 07:00 PM.
    "If Americans want to live the American Dream, they should go to Denmark." - Richard Wilkinson

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    8
    I can definitely empathize with you about lacking the energy to deal with the situation. I'm feeling the same way about my father, with whom I have a good relationship. I can't imagine who hard it would be if I were feeling the way about him that you're feeling toward your father.

    I also think that you shouldn't go and that you shouldn't feel guilty about it. You've said that your father didn't want to have a relationship with you and basically hardly acknowledged your existence, which means he made his choice long ago.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
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    the foggy wetlands,los osos,ca
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    Quote Originally Posted by KnottedYet View Post
    Don't go.

    He doesn't want to see you. The ex-wife wants it. These calls to your answering machine are about HER needs. Not yours. Not his.

    He made his choices. You made yours.

    He's dying... so what? Everyone dies eventually. Nothing for you to feel guilty about.

    He's not part of your life. He's just a sperm donor you got some genes from.



    ETA: Don't write a letter and forgive him to give him peace. Only do it if it will give you peace. And you know darn well the ex wife is going to become dependent on you if you get involved at all. She's still dependent on him. He provided her with a home. After he dies, are you going to put the trailer in your back yard and let her live there with you?
    AHHHHHHHHH I am running away! You are so right!
    Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
    > Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
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    the foggy wetlands,los osos,ca
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    Quote Originally Posted by ursalilah View Post
    I can definitely empathize with you about lacking the energy to deal with the situation. I'm feeling the same way about my father, with whom I have a good relationship. I can't imagine who hard it would be if I were feeling the way about him that you're feeling toward your father.

    I also think that you shouldn't go and that you shouldn't feel guilty about it. You've said that your father didn't want to have a relationship with you and basically hardly acknowledged your existence, which means he made his choice long ago.
    Exactly! EXACTLY! ty
    Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
    > Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life!

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    3,176
    Like your signature says: Appreciate the people in your life.
    He isn't really one of them. Take care of yourself.

    Be with people you love and who love you.
    Each day is a gift, that's why it is called the present.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
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    4,516
    ((((((Brandi))))))

    Knot is wise. Listen to *your* heart.
    Most days in life don't stand out, But life's about those days that will...

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Oslo, Norway
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    I'll be the dissident and say go visit him. Not because you have to, certainly not because you should feel guilty!, not to get involved. Just because it really is your absolutely last chance to see him and you never know what might come out of it. Not miracles, just a little bit of ease connected to your relationship that may make you feel happier in the years to come. This is assuming that HE actually wants to see you. It sounds like he does regret losing contact, has given up, but his more emotionally savvy ex can see it.

    The way I read your post you're mad at him, not indifferent. With good reason! This seems to me your only chance to do something about it - for your own sake, not his.

    Good luck with your decision! This situation will take energy no matter what you do, I think.
    Winter riding is much less about badassery and much more about bundle-uppery. - malkin

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  11. #11
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    northern Virginia
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    5,897
    I think first you need to get some rest for a couple of days.

    Then do what your gut tells you to do. If you want to go, that's fine, though I would keep my expectations low. If you don't want to go, then don't, because you don't owe them anything.

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  12. #12
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
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    Uncanny Valley
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    (((((((Brandi)))))))

    No advice, just hugs.
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  13. #13
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
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    perpetual traveler
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    If it isn't an emergency don't make any decisions until you are less tired and recovered a bit from your trip.
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  14. #14
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Whitmore Lake, Michigan
    Posts
    920
    I am with LPH on this for all the reasons she stated plus I really want to reiterate that this is much more for your benefit than his. You have every justification to be angry with him for years of rejection and neglect, that is emotionally very difficult to overcome.

    A really wise dear person once shared with me the following...forgivness is a gift to us from God, it's not about the person we are forgiving it's about us and for us. The person at whom our anger is directed feels no pain from all from our angst, they don't even know it exists, they go about their life unaware of the damage being wrought. But that pain eats away at our joy in life and robs us of happiness. Forgivness is far too difficult for anyone to do by themselves. Even Jesus could not forgive, He asked His Father to forgive His executioners.

    Whether you end up going or not, ask for forgivness for this person, you may be surprised at the results over time.

    I am currently in a situation where I have been betrayed by a friend and my anger had no end to it. It's been consuming me, the only relief I have had from this is when I ask that this person be forgiven. It has created a crack in my anger and I hope over time it will dissolve the anger and pain. It's a gift to us that is free for the asking, no person should have to live with anger.

    Take care of yourself, stress kills.
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  15. #15
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Concord, MA
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    13,394
    Get some rest, Brandi.
    My professional and personal opinion is that it's only going to make you more upset to go. Just because someone is related to you, doesn't mean you owe him/her anything. Not a popular opinion, but some people do horrible things to others, and it's OK not to have a relationship with this kind of person. If you think it's going to make you feel better, go, but you've made several attempts at reconciliation and they have been rebuffed. And Knot is right. People die and you don't need to feel guilty about this.
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