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Thread: grief

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
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    grief

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    I decided to put this in the health issues section because, I guess, it's a health issue.

    As some of you may know, my father passed away in November. He was a good, kind father when I was a little girl, but as I grew older, he became more distant to the point where by the time I was an adult, all we talked about was small talk (weather, gardening, etc).

    For a good chunk of my adult life he was physically far away as well, living in another continent. Then my parents moved back about 5 years ago and we saw each other about once a week.

    I'm not close with either of my parents (well, not with my brother, either), so I assumed that when my father died, I would be more or less "ok".

    But lately I've been very unmotivated to do anything. I'd make lists to get myself focused, but I just can't concentrate on them. I'm down and mopey a lot, which I attributed to the northwest's dreary winter.

    Some days, like today, I'm just sad for no reason. I would cry at the drop of a hat over small things, and berate myself for being so sensitive.

    By chance, I met up with a woman who is a retired psychologist. I was seeing her for a completely different matter, but she zeroed in on my state of blah-ness. She said I'm underestimating the power of the loss of a parent. Regardless of the fact he may have been physically and or emotionally absent makes it worse because I'm mourning for something I wished.

    Anyways, I'm just writing this mostly to let it out, as apparently I've been holding it in. Grief is a complex thing, and I shouldn't think that I'm "over" it simply because we weren't close.

    I know something isn't right, I just feel so lost and overwhelmed sometimes. Like my feelings are blunted and I can't get excited about anything.

    I called a grief counselor.

  2. #2
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    Sep 2007
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    (((((((badger)))))))

    I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. Hope you start to feel better soon.
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  3. #3
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    For me, losing my dad was the hardest thing I've had to go through in life. Much harder than losing beloved grandparents, friends, dear pets, even miscarrying my one and only IVF pregnancy after years of struggling with infertility.

    My dad had his faults, and we had fought hard over the years, during my parents' divorce and after, but had become friends as adults. I had huge admiration for him and his accomplishments, even though I still had some resentment over things that happened after he and my mom divorced and after he married his second wife. But no one looked at me like he did. I could always see the love in his eyes. I was always his only daughter, and I knew that meant something to him.

    It took me months to stop crying after his death. He died suddenly (in a car accident), so I had no closure and was both angry and grief-stricken at the same time. I never imagined how difficult it would be to lose him, even though I only saw him a few times a year. I didn't go to counseling, but I did read a lot of grief books. Mostly, it just took time - way more time than I imagined. I didn't get back on my bike for over eight months after he died, and I had no desire to do anything social for about the same amount of time. It's been 5 years now, and I am much, much better, but I still miss him like crazy and guess I always will.

    Good luck to you, badger. Time is your best friend now.
    Emily

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  4. #4
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    (((badger)))

    I'm sorry for loss. It's courageous to share your grief and to seek out help when you need it.

    I too was once close to my dad, but am not now. I'm struggling to build a new relationship with him, but it's difficult because he keeps us, his kids, at arms length. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him before I had the chance to do that.
    Last edited by sgtiger; 01-22-2011 at 01:11 PM.
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  5. #5
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    Sep 2008
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    I'm glad you called a grief counselor. For me, grieving my parents was really unpredictable (and different for each parent).

    Grief does what it does. It's almost like a disease that simply has to run its course.

    I suggest taking care of yourself as well as you can, and reminding yourself that it takes time. Good luck to you.

    Pam

  6. #6
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    Apr 2006
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    where the wind comes sweeping down the plain
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    hugs to you, Badger.
    I can empathize with you, having been through a similar situation with my own father.

    Everyone is right, it will take time. There are times, even 12 years later, that I'll suddenly cry over the smallest thing, then realize that small thing is somehow related to my father in some way.

    I'm glad you've sought counseling. I wish I had been so brave as to have taken that step.
    Thanks for sharing with us. Talking about it might just help you through your immense grief.
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  7. #7
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    Sep 2008
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    {{{Badger}}}

    I'm right there with you. My father passed away a year ago November, too, after fighting a two-year battle with cancer. I got to be at his bedside the last week of his life. He and I weren't especially close, either. He and my mother divorced when I was very young, and their relationship was acrimonious at best.

    He was in and out of my life. He did get to meet my husband, and he gave my daughter guitar lessons while he was still able to play. The last week, she played for him. He smiled.

    A few days ago, as I was driving to meet a friend for a bike ride, I was approaching a red light and out of nowhere, I heard him call me. "Hey, Babe!" I heard his voice. It jolted me so bad I started crying.

    It will take time. Give yourself space to grieve.

    Much love.

    Roxy
    Getting in touch with my inner try-athlete.

  8. #8
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    Nov 2007
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    Wow, channelluv and sad. That would be a real heart-puller there.

    Badger I know. {{{hugs}}}}
    At this time, I haven't done a whole lot to deal with my sister's death..except for awhile I've been propelled forward to "live" --meaning living seems to now have an added dimension.

    And for reasons, I cannot explain fully but now time and all of life's plans ahead feels shorter and more precious. Stuff I used to get really angry (like that manager who swears, etc. ,) it doesn't anger me as much anymore. I also have not slept well consistently. It is like paddling along trying gauge the ocean swells ahead, yet underneath there's the sea life happening at the same time.

    I realize that I can never close the gap completely with the loss of my sister. Each family member is part of me. So I can't remove those parts of 'me' just because it makes me sad. I can only make the very best of the best that they gave to me.

    It's sad when a family member exists now in one's memories and dreams. We can only hope to live our life well.
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    遙知馬力日久見人心 Over a long distance, you learn about the strength of your horse; over a long period of time, you get to know what’s in a person’s heart.

  9. #9
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    Jul 2007
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    Quote Originally Posted by badger View Post
    Regardless of the fact he may have been physically and or emotionally absent makes it worse because I'm mourning for something I wished.
    (((((((Badger))))))))

    Do you realize that you are mourning two losses? You are in the process of mourning a significant death and you will experience and ebb and flow to your healing process. Right now you may feel as if the tide went out and you are left standing on a beach with little pools of water that you can reflect on. When your healing process brings you to the place where you can overcome your guilt and anger, you will begin to heal. Take each day as it is and allow yourself to feel sudden showers as they come. You have nothing to apologize for when it does come and know that with each tear that is shed, you are a little closer to having closure. Talk with your grief counselor on the days that are too overwhelming. Sit outside under a quilt and let the sunshine fall on your cheek. Nature has a way of soothing a broken spirit. Ride a path and dedicate it to your dad. Laugh a little. Cry a lot. Sing a childhood song that can take you back to a time when all you had to care about was the ice cream dripping off the bottom of your cone. Write a letter to your dad and tuck it away in a very special place to read at a later date. Perhaps when the time comes you may want to bury it and with it, all your negative feelings.

    As you travel down this path, know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. ((((((gentle hug))))))

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
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    The windy part of TX
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    I have slightly similar family junk. My father passed away a couple of years ago of lung cancer. We were VERY close when I was young, but after I got into adulthood, things certainly changed. Anyway...things happened over the years & hadn't talked to him for almost 3 years when I found out he had cancer. I was able to be with him for a few months & then he was gone. *fighting back tears* Anyway, I got to tell him how sorry I was & he was conherent enough to apologize as well. In the end, we both knew that we loved each other. I still regret being so hard headed (he was too). *ok...crying now* I still to this day wish I could have been there through the years that I missed. He missed mine as well. I found out after he passed that he talked about me a lot & kept pictures of me, letters from me, etc. If I would have only known. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though we weren't all that close, I still loved him very much. I'm sure you feel very much the same way. So...I say, grieve (I certain did & still do from time to time), but don't be down for too long. I don't think your dad would really want it that way. Just always remember that the way he was raised or things that happened to him in his past could have made him the man he was. Love him for the good memories.
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  11. #11
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    Nov 2007
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    I was abit stunned a few wks. ago, the guy who sits just across me in his work cubicle told me about his mother's last few months after she was diagnosed with leukemia before she died earlier last year.

    He knew my sister had died just as a few employees also knew before I started with this new employer....the death caused me to request for change to delay work start date because I greatly needed time and space.

    We spent lunch hr. in earshot of several other employees, talking about his mother at our desks. He told me how his family didn't hug, etc....I mean this is a guy who is merely a distant work acquaintance.

    Best to describe "closeness" with my sister: she was 1 yr. younger than I. Therefore we shared the unintended position of elder siblings to look after younger ones, plus other things.
    My Personal blog on cycling & other favourite passions.
    遙知馬力日久見人心 Over a long distance, you learn about the strength of your horse; over a long period of time, you get to know what’s in a person’s heart.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
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    1,333
    thank you for your kindness, everyone.

    One thing I learned about death is that everyone grieves differently. Even when going through the funeral process, we all had different ideas and beliefs. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, just that everyone goes through it.

    One of the reasons why I was reluctant to think that I was grieving was that I wasn't really thinking about my dad or anything related to his death. There will be huge chunks of the day or even a whole day that will go by that I don't think about him or his passing. That's why I'm surprised how much I seem to be affected on a subconscious level.

    The grief counselor hasn't called back. Guess it's plan B using work's counselor who's a bit of a dink, but he's free.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
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    West MI
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    It's good that you are going to talk to someone about this. I have a dear friend who is barely 38 and has already lost both of her parents. It's been such a struggle for her. I don't know that she's sought any professional counseling and I wish she would, but she's stubborn. I see her struggle, though...and it breaks my heart that I am not equipped to help her. I hope that time will at least heal her.

    You, too. I know it will, but maybe a bit faster because you are open to let someone help. I hope it does.
    Kirsten
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  14. #14
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    (((badger)))

    I've learnt a few things from losing both close and not so close family members.

    Losing the not-so-close ones can feel harder and more unsettling, because the relationship was maybe more unbalanced, more unsatisfactory or had conflicts. I was confronted with not only regret and many unsaid things, but also in a sense I was confronted with the fact that that is the way that particular relationship would "stay", for all time. There was no going back, and no going forward either. I also felt confronted by myself, as if I had to accept that the way I had behaved towards this particular person was defined as "me" forever. We behave differently to different people, and we like some "me's" more than others, but these "me's" also usually change with time. And this wasn't even a person I had had strong conflicts with either. I was also mourning the loss of a relationship we never had, but could have had.

    Losing a closer member was actually easier, because we had an uncomplicated, loving relationship and I could just grieve for that loss in a straightforward way.

    Write out your feelings, if that helps. Sudden insights may pay a visit
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  15. #15
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    Nov 2006
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    {{Badger}}

    For once in my life, I can say that I understand completely. My dad passed away last Friday, very suddenly. He was 90 but in great health and had been taking care of my mom. I heard he had been taken to the hospital, very ill, from my brother and I raced up there (7 hour drive) and got there 1.5 hours after his death. Two of my brothers waited for me at the hospital, and with my dad, so I could see him. It has been the most difficult ten days of my life.

    All the comments made by everyone in this thread have really made me think and I thank you all for them, even though meant for someone else. I can really relate. I cry at the drop of a hat and everything seems sad in my life. I can't seem to focus on anything. I know, it has been a short time, but wow, I was not expecting this.

    Thanks for your help.

 

 

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