Depression

[colorisnt]

Like CO said, yell from the rooftops if you have an issue! We will be there for you. Sometimes your friends in RL just don't "get it", too. They try to empathize, but they often only see you happy. I was REALLY good at faking it. It's hard for your family and friends to understand that this isn't something new, you just can't take it anymore.

And yes, definitely try different meds. I tried for a long time to figure out what worked and was VERY against meds until I hit rock bottom. Adjusting to them sucks (obviously your issue is not an adjustment one to mess with) and sometimes you feel icky for a couple of weeks, but don't give up if you think it is something worth trying. Some make you nauseas (which was my issue as I already wasn't eating), some make you have weird libido issues, and some can do what yours did. Talk to your doctor and be open about your issues. Yes, it sucks, but they are there to HELP and they won't judge you. They just want you to get better!

[crazycanuck]

AT..I've not experienced clinical depression but my dad does and understand a little bit. Just keep talking and asking for help. Even if we don't have all the answers, we can listen.

BTW...should you want a small mental holiday & want another coolio mtb event to do..why not do this one with me next year??? http://www.capetocapemtb.com/en/default.htm

[blackhillsbiker]

Another chronic depression survivor here. Nothing to add to previous posts except for a ((((((((Alexis)))))))) big hug! Our precious yellow lab once saved me from suicide. If the furry friends help, spend as much time with them as you can.

Deb

[alexis_the_tiny]

Clockwork Orange, I don't care if its cheesy, it's awesome. Then again, I love Cornify because I can pepper my web browser with sparkly rainbows and unicorns.

I think its just not easy for people who don't have depression to understand that its bad. Mine comes layered with anxiety and sensory/modulation issues so people tend to just think I'm being intense.

Channlluv, sleep is always a problem for me due to said sensory/modulation problems. When I'm depressed, I become insomniac. On top of that, I have things like no blinky lights in the room or no lights coming through the door cracks from the outside before I can even think about falling asleep. I'm going to go see about Wellbutrin, vitamin D and sleeping pills to start dealing with things a bit. Just to make things more fun, my regular therapist is suddenly unavailable for an indefinite period of time and the next one can only see me in a month's time.

[OakLeaf]

I'm very light-sensitive too. Just as important to me as no light at night, is lots of light during the daytime. I don't know what your work situation is like, but can you get outside during your lunch break ... get a doctor slip to say you need an office with a window ... spend your weekends reading outside if you don't have the energy for anything else ... things of that nature?

[alexis_the_tiny]

So I had a total meltdown last night followed by being completely unable to get out of bed this morning. Went down to my GP for some quick rescue meds and a talk. She's not convinced of the need to have my Vitamin D levels checked at all, her reasoning being that we live in a tropical country and I'd somehow get enough sun to have decent levels of vitamin D. However, she gave me some anti depressants for the next few days until I can get a psych appointment and told me to try out taking more Vitamin B and accupuncture or yoga. And then she told me "But you're a cyclist, won't all the exercise make you feel better?"

I don't know whether to ROFLMAO or cry. I think we have a funny story of the week here....

[PamNY]

I don't know whether to ROFLMAO or cry. I think we have a funny story of the week here....

Yep, you do have a funny story there. A doctor once told me "try not to worry so much." Um, yeah, if I could do that we wouldn't be having this conversation.

I have no advice, just wanted to add good wishes and state the obvious -- things will get better, as you obviously know. I do admire you for talking about it here; reaching out for support is a sign of strength, and you may be helping somebody else by sharing your story.

Hope you get a psych appointment very soon.

[Crankin]

Alexis,
I know how frustrating it is to wait for your pysch appt./deal with the system in general, but despite the pcp's silly comments about vit D, at least you have some meds to help out.
If you want to talk more specifically, until your appt., feel free to PM me. I'm just a lowly intern therapist, but I've been treating clients for a year, so I'm willing to share ideas with you.
The suggestion about acupuncture might be something to think about. I was very hesitant to try it, but it helped me tremendously during a period of extreme anxiety. It didn't work immediately, but I did get relief during the sessions and right afterwards, and then about 2-3 weeks later, I noticed a change in my level of anxiety and my ability to just function better. I went to a traditional practitioner and I was able to negotiate the price with him. My insurance would pay if I went to an MD who was an acupuncturist.
Try to stay open to trying new modalities. You never know what might be successful for you.

[indysteel]

Alexis,

Try to stay open to trying new modalities. You never know what might be successful for you.

+1. I've had periods of episodic depression over the years and yoga has proven to be quite effective in helping me keep a check on my stress level and mood. It helps that I found a very supportive studio where I've met any number of caring and intuitive people. It's someplace where I can count on getting a hug.

I am truly sorry you're feeling low right now, but it sounds like you're well aware of the need to be proactive in dealing with it. I wish you all the best.

[alexis_the_tiny]

Thanks guys. I'm actually open to yoga, just not acupuncture because needles scare me s**tless. Maybe its just me, but I don't think regular panic attacks can do much for depression. =p Yoga, I know helps because I took yoga classes for a while and just being in the class itself was immensely helpful. Another thing I started on is supplementation, vitamin E, B complex and fish oil along with a calcium + D supplement I'm taking cautiously.

Crankin, thanks for the offer, I'll PM you soon. =)

[sundial]

Alexis, I hope you find relief soon and that your mood is stabilized. Full blown depression is like the flu--once you have it you don't ever want to experience it again. Sending a gentle hug and a cup of virtual tea to those who suffer chronic depression.

[alexis_the_tiny]

Sundial, thanks. I've had a few episodes before starting from when I was about 9 or so. Can't really remember when I became aware of this. You're right, its not something you ever want to feel again.

Apart from a certain level of paranoia setting in yesterday, I FINALLY got a psych appointment for next week. Also, when I tweeted about having to take 8 different supplement pills in a go, my girlfriend tweeted back "WOW, you really can swallow". Nothing like a crass joke to at least lighten things up a bit.

[alexis_the_tiny]

Hi, its me. Again. And its the same old thing. Again. This year, I got a job I love doing, got invited to join a bike team which is just WOW, beyond my wildest everything ever, clocked a 30km/h average speed without drafting anyone on a ride.

BUT I am miserable, furious and insomniac. This should be the BEST YEAR of my life ever. But it is far from the best, in fact, its about the most miserable. I haven't ridden my bike in almost three weeks. I need anti-histamines to help me sleep every single night, otherwise I'm up, exhausted, furious and crying until 4 a.m. in the morning. I can't finish a decent ride because I get so furious with everything I start crying an hour into a ride. Therapy is not helping because I'm so furious I don't even know where to start with it and I no longer feel safe expressing my anger anywhere, even in individual therapy. The worst of it is that I can't talk to anyone about what's causing the fury because I'm afraid someone will find out about it. My first two big races are in June. At first I was psyched about them because you know, new team, great training and all. Now I just feel like I never want to race or ride a bike any more. This really blows.

[indysteel]

(((alexis))). I'm not sure I feel competent to give much advice because, to be honest, what you're experiencing sounds serious. You mentioned previously that you were going to undergo a psyche evaluation. What came from that? Did the doctor change your meds? Are you still being treated by a pyschiatrist? I would call them immediately to alert them to your current issues. You absolutely must tell the professionals in your life that you need help. If you can't do that yourself, tell a trusted friend or family member that you need them to make the call and ASAP. Please don't suffer this degree of pain in silence.

Please take care of yourself and keep us posted.

[alexis_the_tiny]

Indysteel, yeah I was given an evaluation and the conclusion was that I had personality issues and issues with close relationships from having had ADHD-type difficulties in school and the family. They started me on dialetical behavioral therapy and psychotherapy since meds actually aggravated my anxiety. It was going along fine until something happened and triggered off the rage which apparently, none of the coping strategies therapy taught helped. I'm going to give the therapist's office a call and see if they're open today and maybe get an appointment before my next one.