loaner to couple: desperately seeking advice

[ivorygorgon]

Another loner married to a loner. We have been together for over 22 years. I think about this issue a lot. When we first got together I used to tell DH that I wanted my bed. Then after a few years I used to say I wanted my own room. Now I tell him I want my own house LOL!!!

I am not going to tell you it is easy to be with another person. I certainly don't find it so. I will tell you that it is certainly worth it, and I wouldn't give him up for anything. I will also tell you that I firmly believe that if it hadn't worked out with us, for whatever reason, it wouldn't have been the end all of my existence. I also think I could be extremely happy, overall, living alone.

There is good and bad to living alone, there is good and bad in living with another person. That is just the way life is. Don't overthink things. If it is right, it is right. I think you will know it in your heart.

[TsPoet]

We talked.
He got back a day early. I’ve got to say, any faults that he might have are shared. We discussed the past
Me “um, I’m really a loner”
Him “so am I!”
… and it all went quite well. Then I tried to discuss the future and the conversation was over – we both just sort of avoid things we aren’t sure how to answer, no answer means something like ‘I don’t know’ or ‘maybe’. But, that’s actually a good thing. I think women are future oriented more than men and it’s nice to be the girl in a conversation for once, LOL.
All in all, I’m much happier and calmer now, after reading all of your input.
Thank you all!

[indigoiis]

My DH is a loner. It took him a long time (ten years and a year and a half break) before he could open up to let me be a part of his life. The wait was worth it to me. Although it is hard for me sometimes (I am not a loner, but I am not exactly a social butterfly, either) because he is not typical or conventional in any way, and is very true to himself and quite honest - and sometimes that can get on my nerves. But I let love guide me. Love always wins. I truly believe this! If your heart wants this thing to happen, let it happen, and enjoy it. You can maintain your integrity and sense of independence while still being a part of someone else's life. Especially if you let your heart be your guide!

[RolliePollie]

TsPoet - I hope things work out great for you guys!!! As a long time singler person/loner, I'm sure I would feel some of the same hesitation that you're feeling. It's great that you guys talked and that things seem better now!

I am having the opposite issue with my best friend who is a single guy. For the first time in a rather long friendship (like years), he is seeing someone. And I haven't dated during our friendship either. Unfortunately for me, I didn't realize the depth of feelings I had for him until he started seeing someone else. Evidently I've been living on the hope that he'd change his mind about me. Now I'm feeling completely heart-broken. I can't even eat, which is not something I've ever experienced before! I think the only thing I can do at this point is just stay away from him. I just need to get over my feelings for him because I can't go through this heart break again. I wish him happiness but at the same time I am so incredibly sad for me. Wah

So two totally different endings to single man/single woman friendships I guess? I always thought I'd love to end up marrying my best friend. I guess sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I'm glad yours seems to be working out!!!

[shootingstar]

TsPoet - I hope things work out great for you guys!!! As a long time singler person/loner, I'm sure I would feel some of the same hesitation that you're feeling. It's great that you guys talked and that things seem better now!

I am having the opposite issue with my best friend who is a single guy. For the first time in a rather long friendship (like years), he is seeing someone. And I haven't dated during our friendship either. Unfortunately for me, I didn't realize the depth of feelings I had for him until he started seeing someone else. Evidently I've been living on the hope that he'd change his mind about me. Now I'm feeling completely heart-broken. I can't even eat, which is not something I've ever experienced before! I think the only thing I can do at this point is just stay away from him. I just need to get over my feelings for him because I can't go through this heart break again. I wish him happiness but at the same time I am so incredibly sad for me. Wah

So two totally different endings to single man/single woman friendships I guess? I always thought I'd love to end up marrying my best friend. I guess sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I'm glad yours seems to be working out!!!

Rollie, after awhile, men and also some women, cannot read each other's minds. Sometimes one just has to express heart-felt feelings in a nice way.

I'm sorry the realization came abit too late for you.

[RolliePollie]

Rollie, after awhile, men and also some women, cannot read each other's minds. Sometimes one just has to express heart-felt feelings in a nice way.

I'm sorry the realization came abit too late for you.

Yeah, true. I'm sure, though, that he does know my feelings for him run deeper than his for me. I've told him that I'd be interested in trying out more than friends but he wouldn't go there. I guess you can't force someone to love you or even like you more than they do and I'm thankful for the friendship we've had. Just sad now that I think it's coming to an end. I really would've loved for things to turn out differently.

[deeaimond]

I have no advice, I just feel a whole lot better knowing there are other loners out there. When I see all my friends getting married and having kids (I'm 29), there's part of me that wonders if there's something wrong with me. Then there's the other part that thinks there's plenty of time left for that stuff. I'm getting to live my life and chase my dreams in a way I probably couldn't if I had a family to deal with. I also grew up watching several unhappy marriages continue because we're traditional Italians and divorce just wasn't an option, and grew up listening to my grandmother bemoan how she didn't have the opportunities women have today and if she did she'd never have gotten married!

I say go with your gut, but talking to him probably couldn't hurt. Guys, in my limited experience, are incredibly imperceptive and need to be told outright what's going through your mind.

I feel exactly the same way NoNo!

I'm 26 this year, but in my line of work (teaching) most people are happily married or attached or pregnant. even those who are my age are all in stable relationships headed towards marriage.... so for awhile i wondered if there was something wrong with me.

I just ended my relationship of 3.5 yrs. nothing much, just that it was long distance and it didnt seem to be headed anywhere because to be with him i'd have to drop my entire life and move to another continent.

Of course breaking up was hard, but i've realised since how much i sort of lost myself when i was in the relationship because so much of what i did was for US rather than for MYSELF. I learnt something valuable from this break-up. Be more selfish and think of myself more.

Here, most people pair off. its strange to actually want to be a loner. or if you're unmarried in your 30s people look at you strange.

I love these posts for all the thoughts and ideas that TE ladies put up. so many life experiences. Thank you all for sharing.

[Jane Honda]

After I had been divorced for just a few years (and two very horrible relationships named Mike) I was happy being alone. I am a loner at heart. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my alone time, whether its biking, riding my motorcycle, or my horse, driving... etc. You get the idea.

When Eric and I found each other, we moved in after 6 months. (I hedged for three of those months after he asked me too.) He allows my alone time, I allow his. He is a person I actually WANT to be around. He's the right man for me.

You have found someone you enjoy. Go with it! Just communicate and be sure that he understands you need your 'loner time', and that it has nothing to do with him. It's healthy.



Oops, I just saw your response that you guys had a 'scussion.

[arielmoon]

I guess I'd say - go for it, life is short - but pick your battles and keep your perspective about what's really important. i sometimes think it's easier to become a couple or move in with someone when you're younger and you really don't have a set routine or a set organizational scheme...

I've just listened to a friend rant for 2 days after she flew cross country to spend 5 days with a guy (they're all in love and the rest of that)... She felt very uncomfortable and unwanted in his apartment/space because he had a rule that the toilet seat lid had to be down, chided her everytime she forgot & kept a running percentage of her success rate, was upset she cooked eggs because he hated the smell (so wouldn't leave his bedroom till she'd cooked and eaten them and washed up), and was upset she drank milk. and would only watch certain tv shows after sunset with all the lights off, and other neurotic things. Her mp3 player couldn't be hooked to his stereo so he could listen to her music, because it would ruin the impedance. So - it was pretty obvious that he was completely not used to having anyone in his space... So... I would say, don't be that guy.

OMG, I think I am that guy!!

And I am a loner. I think if I met the right guy I would feel differently but now I am happy this way.

[OakLeaf]

I'd just add that "loner with loner" creates a big opportunity to become overly dependent on each other.

I've just skimmed through this thread and don't remember who it was whose DH felt that her life was interfering with their together time ... DH and I struggle with this, and we're both retired! IME it's got nothing to do with how much time you actually have or spend with each other, and everything to do with how much you rely on each other for human contact and intellectual stimulation.

For all we go over and over it, I don't seem to be able to explain that normal people have jobs, normal couples have one job each, and my 2-3 hours a week job and 12-20 hours a week training are NOT what's keeping DH from doing what he wants to do.

[indysteel]

For whatever reason, I want to clarify that I wasn't a "loner" before I got married. I was single, which is different. I had (and still do) any number of deeply gratifying friendships and a strong social circle. My biggest challenge as a newlywed has been finding enough time to nurture my marriage, as well as those friendships. Both are vitally important to me.

Thankfully, I do have DH's support in maintaining those friendships, but I find myself pressed for time and energy. Over the last couple of months, I've tried to make a greater effort to invest more energy into my friendships. Admittedly though, it's never going to be easy, especially given that I live about 25 miles south of most of my friends now. But having my husband in my life--as wonderful he is--simply does not answer all of my emotional or intellectual needs. I didn't want or expect it to.

[shootingstar]

I'd just add that "loner with loner" creates a big opportunity to become overly dependent on each other.

I've just skimmed through this thread and don't remember who it was whose DH felt that her life was interfering with their together time ... DH and I struggle with this, and we're both retired! IME it's got nothing to do with how much time you actually have or spend with each other, and everything to do with how much you rely on each other for human contact and intellectual stimulation.

This is something, that if it's the right chemistry between 2 loners, they still carry on some of their "loner' activities by themselves or with other friends, along with shared interests as a couple.

I am always intrigued to hear of some people who are "lost" when they can't stand their partner taking a business or bike trip for a few days/weeks. And these are couples who don't have children at home anymore (or never had any). And I know it's not really a trust issue. It's because the person is more social, feels alone.

[TsPoet]

I'm very glad I posted this initial plee, just because of all of the answers and perspectives. I'm not the oddball I thought I was.
I hated, then loved this video. In the end, I just loved it.
"how to be alone" by Tanya Davis
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

[Crankin]

Shootingstar, I am one of those people who doesn't like it at all when DH goes away. And you are right, it's because I am very social and we spend tons of time together, which fulfills social needs. When he goes away, I make lots of social plans and the time goes quickly. Otherwise, I don't like the emptiness and quiet of the house. I like my "home" or quiet time, because I have and had a career where I am dealing with difficult people. I feel like my home is my oasis, and pretty much why I don't want to move to the city (besides the cycling!). I like the quiet atmosphere, but I don't like being alone. When I was single I was always out with people, even though I lived alone for 3 years.
My DH traveled so much during fifteen years of our thirty year marriage; now I wouldn't like that at all. But, I was working and had growing kids during that time.
I'm the one who is always making plans, whether to ride, go out to dinner, travel, etc. DH likes to putter around the house, as he is very mechanical. But, he is pretty social, too. It's not that I don't go places alone, but, I get lonely very easily. I wonder if it's because I was an only child for 11 years; the way I dealt with that was by having tons of friends and having sleepovers/going out with friends every Friday & Saturday when I was a kid.

[evangundy]

Hi TS - the best words of advice I have is to keep the lines of communication open, be totally honest, but don't try to push for or against changes in the relationship too fast. You have been friends for quite awhile, so you really do know each other well. You are both used to being on your own, so don't rush changes. There's nothing that says you "have to" move on to the next step of becoming a couple, unless it's what you both want.

I personally know quite a few couples who have been together for years, but live in separate homes. They see each other exclusively, overnight at each other's places, vacation together, attend family gatherings as a couple, but by living in their own places, they still have that alone time and keep their own space to themselves. It can work that way for you, if that is what you both want.

Part of making a relationship work, is compromise, but it has to be by both people. Take small steps, see how it feels, then decide whether to back up, stay there for awhile, or take the next small step....... wash - rinse - repeat :-)

Edna (ps: knowing you both, I'm thinking it's gonna work out just fine)