Anxiety Past and Present...

[WindingRoad]

So I was in counseling about 8 years ago with anxiety and phobia problems, panic attacks, agoraphobia (some pretty extreme), etc. I have not had any of those problems since, till now. I said/did some awful things to my boyfriend on Valentine's Day and all ended in a fire ball of hurt. Without explaining every detail of the situation, basically I over reacted in a major way to something he said. He has a history of saying 'stupid' things but I know this, no surprises. For whatever reason I lost my mind for about 24 hours over this, only after talking on the phone with him last night did it start coming back and was I able to see this for what it is. This is a big fat repeat of 8 years ago, my Psychologist explained it to me as "Catastrophic Thinking" and it will start a whole nasty snowball of things. I had a severe panic attack about a week or two ago (was wondering what was up with that); hyperventilating the whole 9 yards, thought I was dying. THAT should have been my first sign. I'm seriously upset with myself for being so horrible to him, I'm trying to forgive myself for it and not beat up on myself but as you all might imagine that's difficult. Once I cut through the guilt I just feel irritated that I have allowed this ugly thing to repeat on me once again. I hate not being in control and the fact that the anxiety and crazy thoughts were able to return so easily makes me feel out of control. I wonder if any of you have been in a similar situation? I am considering going back to counseling again to try and deal with this because I really want this relationship to work.

[Irulan]

sounds like you might want to resume a more aggressive handling of your anxiety - whether it's more intense counseling, medication, bio feedback, 12 step work, meditation, whatever. There are a lot of tools out there for managing anxiety that help by increasing awareness of where we are about to go in the throes of an anxiety attack before we do something we might regret. Anxiety can snowball with a small trigger and increased awareness of whats coming is huge for making alternative moves.

I've got no comment on the relationship. Sometimes we are in the wrong relationship which can trigger a bunch of crap, or sometimes we are in a good relationship, but our own personal issues trigger a bunch of crap and it's up to our partner to decide whether they want to stick it out with us or not while we work through it.

A Path With Heart Jack Kornfield
The Power of Now Eckhart Tolle

Both books that I got something out of.

[NbyNW]

IME, sometimes it's a good idea to go back to counseling for a "tuneup." You're already aware of your issues; you have the tools to deal with them; you've grown as a person. Things can still resurface and disrupt our lives, and it can help to work through these with a counselor. You already did the hard part 8 years ago.

I would also consider asking your boyfriend to consider couples counseling with you, if you both want this to work. You are not in this relationship by yourself. It might help your relationship to grow if you work with a counselor to explore together what triggered this incident, how it affects both of you, and what you can do to be more supportive of each other.

[OakLeaf]

(((((((WindingRoad)))))))

[arielmoon]

*hugs*

[limewave]

(((((HUGS))))))

I understand about the anxiety issues. About 9-10 years ago I hit my ultimate low for similar issues and was hospitalized. Looking back, I can hardly believe that was me, I'm a different person now.

However, every now and then, some of those behaviors resurface. I remember 2 years ago taking DD for a bike ride and having a panic attack on the bike path. Or driving home from work one day and becoming paralyzed with anxiety, I had to pull over and have DH pick me up. Or when DH and I have gotten in arguments, I've completely shut-down. --these things don't happen often, I can count on one hand the number of incidents I've had over the last 9 years.

When it does happen, I always make an appt. to see my doctor. Sometimes just talking to a counselor helps and sometimes we find that my adrenals are low and I need to up my supplements. It has always helped to "check-in".

10 years ago, I didn't know there was help available, that I could live a "happy" life. But I know better now. I don't want to go back to where I was. That's why I don't hesitate to seek help when I need it.

I understand that you're upset with yourself for how you treated your BF. But sometimes that line of thinking can cause you to down-spiral more. You recognize that what happened was b/c of your anxiety issues, you should treat it like that. Apologizing to BF is good and necessary, but even better would be to get yourself some help so that your BF can see that you are taking good care of yourself.

[Crankin]

You are ahead of the game in that you know what your triggers are and are ready to work on what needs to be done. I have been through the whole anxiety thing and it took me a long time for that insight. As a therapist in training, it helps me to remember this.
PM me if you want some ideas that really worked for me and I use with my clients (most of whom do not have the insight you have). These are all strategies that you can use at home, in addition to counseling.
You are on the right track.

[WindingRoad]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and kind words. I spoke with a good friend of mine today about a psychologist that she has went to and highly recommends. I'm going to set an appointment as soon as she emails me the information. I agree with the 'check up' scenario, I think it would be good to go talk to someone qualified just to be sure I'm dealing with things in a healthy way. I have apologized to my BF and he is being understanding but I did hurt him. I would agree with the couples counseling but I feel the problem is more with me honestly. I may be wrong and after I talk to my psychologist she may suggest that I bring him too? Today I'm taking it hour by hour because I feel like I'm not myself at the moment. I have a wierd detached feeling, difficult to explain, maybe just mental fatigue. I may go to Yoga tonight and skip the run, I really would like something soothing.

[badger]

Oh, I can so sympathise!!

When you visit the psychologist, perhaps you can ask him/her if he practises EMDR. When I hit rock bottom with my anxiety/panic, it really helped me.

I do still occasionally have my anxious moments, but I usually control them with herbal supplements.

[bacarver]

WindingRoad -

Good for you to reach out with honesty and bravery despite the current struggle with the inner chaos.
It isn't fair the way anxiety revisits us without warning, but the demons show up at random times. For me, I'll know that this will probably dog me till I die. Accepting this gives me control. I have social phobias and am very susceptible to trembling, avoiding eye contact, and painful neck tension when in certain situations.
Sounds like you've had some exposure to rational thinking/cognitive restructuring in therapy. This is good. I hope you locate a therapist who knows how to address anxiety. The EMDR suggestion is excellent.
Respect yourself as a human. You are doing your best for where you are in your life journey.
I had a miserable reappearance of almost incapacitating anxiety in the spring of 2008. It came without warning, lasted for 3 months and then went away. I am convinced that it was a biochemical surge of some type. I could have taken meds to cope, but I am very anti-pill and more coping straight on.
Focus on getting through this. Believe in making it to the other side.
Once again . . . respect yourself!

Barb

[girlonbike]

So I was in counseling about 8 years ago with anxiety and phobia problems, panic attacks, agoraphobia (some pretty extreme), etc. I have not had any of those problems since, till now. I said/did some awful things to my boyfriend on Valentine's Day and all ended in a fire ball of hurt. Without explaining every detail of the situation, basically I over reacted in a major way to something he said. He has a history of saying 'stupid' things but I know this, no surprises. For whatever reason I lost my mind for about 24 hours over this, only after talking on the phone with him last night did it start coming back and was I able to see this for what it is. This is a big fat repeat of 8 years ago, my Psychologist explained it to me as "Catastrophic Thinking" and it will start a whole nasty snowball of things. I had a severe panic attack about a week or two ago (was wondering what was up with that); hyperventilating the whole 9 yards, thought I was dying. THAT should have been my first sign. I'm seriously upset with myself for being so horrible to him, I'm trying to forgive myself for it and not beat up on myself but as you all might imagine that's difficult. Once I cut through the guilt I just feel irritated that I have allowed this ugly thing to repeat on me once again. I hate not being in control and the fact that the anxiety and crazy thoughts were able to return so easily makes me feel out of control. I wonder if any of you have been in a similar situation? I am considering going back to counseling again to try and deal with this because I really want this relationship to work.

i used to bee to anxious as well and it really affects my life,
after i tried natural amino acid supplement called Trypthophan, it'not antidepressant ot smthng like this, just amino acid found in meat and milk, but not to much nowerdays because of differnt chemical staff, so it helps me really and changed my life, try, it's cheapDDDDD

[Tuckervill]

Your boyfriend could probably benefit from a visit with a counselor so he can understand what happened to you in more clinical terms.

Karen

[WindingRoad]

Made the appointment, hoping all goes well and I can work some things out. BF is being much more supportive now that he's starting to understand the problem. Very thankful for that. I feel a whole lot better already but I still want to talk to someone just to be sure I'm still OK. It's amazing how exhausting this sort of thing can be. Did my normal 5 mile run on the treadmill today and I feel like I went out and did a 60 mile ride.... off to bed for me. As always, thanks for everything.

[denny]

. He has a history of saying 'stupid' things but I know this, no surprises. For whatever reason I lost my mind for about 24 hours over this, only after talking on the phone with him last night did it start coming back and was I able to see this for what it is. This is a big fat repeat of 8 years ago, my Psychologist explained it to me as "Catastrophic Thinking" and it will start a whole nasty snowball of things. I had a severe panic attack about a week or two ago (was wondering what was up with that); hyperventilating the whole 9 yards, thought I was dying. .

As someone whose life was derailed by panic and anxiety attacks 3 years ago I can understand the frustration of feeling out of control about having this "problem. " I might add that you might want to be careful not to be too introspective of what happened. Forgive yourself first and then ask your BF to forgive you as well, and hopefully you can move on from there.

Be careful that you are not minimizing "swinish" or "insensitive" behavior on your BF's part by blaming your overreaction. Many times, we panic because we recognize that there is something upsetting about that person or situation that we are choosing not to deal with which causes the anxiety in itself.

You need to be able to trust someone with this part of your life. It can be abused by someone who can blame every slip up, or attempt to set up legitmate boundaries in your life as "the anxiety or panic problem."

Best wishes and hugs. You can get past this too.