Bad husband! No nookie!

[Biciclista]

another happy marriage here, 31 years. It didn't start happy, and I actually threw him out more than once, but people can learn, and people can change, and two people committed to having a good healthy relationship can make a crapshoot marriage into a wonderful marriage.

Neither of us are perfect, we argue, make mistakes, he yells (I rarely yell) but we together continue to try to make our marriage better. It's a work in progress, it's like a treasured plant, or even a baby. you have to take care of it EVERY SINGLE DAY.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

It's a work in progress, it's like a treasured plant, or even a baby. you have to take care of it EVERY SINGLE DAY.

So very true!

[lph]

another happy marriage here, 31 years. It didn't start happy, and I actually threw him out more than once, but people can learn, and people can change, and two people committed to having a good healthy relationship can make a crapshoot marriage into a wonderful marriage.

Neither of us are perfect, we argue, make mistakes, he yells (I rarely yell) but we together continue to try to make our marriage better. It's a work in progress, it's like a treasured plant, or even a baby. you have to take care of it EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Best thing I've read today, mimi. Nice.

[arielmoon]

Not that I'm an expert or anything but I do want to share a bit of my experience because I think it relates directly to these issues.

I was with my husband as a couple for 17 years. 9 cohabitating and 8 married. I left him September last year. What I've learned since I've left is that I did not express my needs or wants clearly with him. I would tell him something, he would blow it off and since I have always believed that the only persons behaviour you can change is your own, I modified my behaviour and would never express to him how his behaviour affected me. In my mind, I couldn't change him and I shouldn't expect him to. He is what he is. Eventually I had to leave because I couldn't live with him with things the way they were.

Since we have separated, he has told me so many times that he is so disappointed that I did not communicate what was bothering me well enough to give him a chance to realize how dire things were and to give him a chance to change.

I don't regret my decision. I think there were a lot of reasons that our marriage was not meant to last, though it was very good for many years. But I have learned that expressing exactly what it is that you need or want is very important. I am generalizing but I have to say that I think that men tend not to be as intuitive as women are and simply will not "get it" unless you spell it out very clearly. That means asking for what you want AND when things like this are going on, telling them how that made you feel and what your expectations were. And give the guy a chance to change. Maybe you have to remind him periodically... but don't we all need reminders about some things?

My new BF has told me to NEVER assume that he has any idea what I want or need and that he'd much rather me tell him clearly so that he can be the best he can be for me. I think that's a pretty good policy.

Wow this sounds so much like my marriage. Together 14 years married for only 4.

Unfortunately I find myself in a similar situation with a decent guy. This one though, says he wants to change and wants me to help him change but I dont want to be a nag ("how much did that cost?" "we didnt really need that!" "how many nights have you eaten out?" "If you would stop eating crap you might be a better cyclist!" "Just because they are vegan cookies doesnt mean they are fair game!") so I just try to ignore things until I find that I just cant stand to be around him.

Man I sound like such a (b)witch, where is my broom?

I am considering seeing a therapist cause I cant decide if I would be walking away from a good thing or doing the right thing.

[Biciclista]

Wahine, your new bf gave you great advice!

[tulip]

Wahine, your post is wonderful. I went through much the same with my marriage (together 17 years, married 13). I also am the one who left, for many reasons, but most of those reasons can be linked to communication issues. I, too, am happier now, but of course there is and always will be sadness at what could have been (but was not). Thanks.

Arielmoon, seeing a counselor really benefitted me, and I recommend it to anyone who will listen.

[deedolce]

Yep, my question was literal, thanks! I was raised in a very Asian family in the sense that I did what I was told and didn't question much of anything, no matter how I felt about it. I might be unhappy, but I would never express it. So as an adult, I find that I question my emotions and responses, for the most part going along with things to prevent unpleasantness.

I was unhappy ALOT in my first marriage! Now, 20 years later, I have another serious relationship, and I find myself challenged in what it takes to have a healthy relationship. Bf is a great help there, thank goodness, but it's a HECK of a lot of work

[Biciclista]

Now, 20 years later, I have another serious relationship, and I find myself challenged in what it takes to have a healthy relationship. Bf is a great help there, thank goodness, but it's a HECK of a lot of work

yes, it IS a heck of a lot of work. But consider the alternative!

[DDH]

anything worth having takes work. Lots and lots of work. We tend to think that love shouldn't be so hard, but it is, even in the most intimate of relationships. We work hard at our jobs to make money and have success, we work hard raising children in order to teach them to be honest hard working productive parts of society, shoot we even work hard at our friendships at times, we work hard with our hobbies, but then we lose all perspective when it comes to our SO's. At least I know I do at times.

[Grog]

anything worth having takes work. Lots and lots of work. We tend to think that love shouldn't be so hard, but it is, even in the most intimate of relationships. We work hard at our jobs to make money and have success, we work hard raising children in order to teach them to be honest hard working productive parts of society, shoot we even work hard at our friendships at times, we work hard with our hobbies, but then we lose all perspective when it comes to our SO's. At least I know I do at times.

Nicely said.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Yeah Donna, wise words.

Every day I see the title of this thread and think "geez just how long is this poor guy going to be 'cut off' for?"

Even if you're mad about something, don't let a single day go by without telling your partner how wonderful you think they are.

[tulip]

...

Even if you're mad about something, don't let a single day go by without telling your partner how wonderful you think they are.

and SHOWING them with your actions!

[Wahine]

Wahine, your new bf gave you great advice!

Yeah. And he rides a bike like a daemon.

We were friends before I was separated and it was actually the fact that he, as my friend only and with no expectations, treated me better and with more sensitivity than my husband did that made me reevaluate what I wanted. I thought long and hard about my decision to leave and it was the scariest thing I have ever done. But almost exactly one year later, I am very proud of myself for making a decision that ultimately is better for both of us and doing it in a responsible adult manner that has allowed my ex and I to still be friends and have an ongoing positive relationship, albeit a very different one.

So now I'm on a new path and I intend to work really hard to make this last as long as it's healthy for both of us.

[indysteel]

Yeah. And he rides a bike like a deamon.

We were friends before I was separated and it was actually the fact that he, as my friend only and with no expectations, treated me better and with more sensitivity than my husband did that made me reevaluate what I wanted. I thought long and hard about my decision to leave and it was the scariest thing I have ever done. But almost exactly one year later, I am very proud of myself for making a decision that ultimately is better for both of us and doing it in a responsible adult manner that has allowed my ex and I to still be friends and have an ongoing positive relationship, albeit a very different one.

So now I'm on a new path and I intend to work really hard to make this last as long as it's healthy for both of us.

That's great Wahine! I'm really happy for you!!!!