friend coming out of the closet - tips appreciated

[sgtiger]

LPH, it sounds like you're already doing the right thing. Just be there for her the same way you have always been. I think most people when they reveal something like this just want to know that it makes no difference - you care about them the same as you always have. And if you're one of the first that she has come out to, it may help build her confidence to be able to come out to her other friends or family that she thinks may not receive the new as well.

TxDoc, IMO people like the feeling of kinship that comes with being around others that share a commonality with themselves. Also when one is a part of a lifestyle, belief, profession, race, etc. that is outside what is the norm; they want to find a group where they can feel safe from being judged by others. Being part of a minority, I've had everything from death threats to well meaning friends say stupid things out of ignorance. It's not something I face everyday, but it is there. I'm sure it's worse for someone who is gay because there still exists the belief that it's a choice and that it's immoral.

[surgtech1956]

The only reason why I like to go to a 'gay bar' is because I can be myself - you don't have to worry about some 'guy' making some comment about gays/lesbians. Sometimes its more of a safety issue. I'm out, I don't think I need to announce my sexuality, 98% of the people I work with(15 years with this employer), know that I'm gay. I don't flaunt it, don't hide it either, if someone asked I would be honest. Whether I'm gay or straight has nothing to do with my job. Bottom line, just treat your friend as you did before she came out.

[Trek420]

I'm certain a gay cycling club would never be gay-only/straight-barred.

Correctomundo

I sometimes ride with a local club if time, schedule, ride style (short, slow, easy) matches my schedule. Anyone can ride.

Some tips if you are straight but go: bring a bike, helmet, water bottle. Leave any preconceptions at home.

If asked out for coffee after the ride do NOT run screaming from the route.
do say "thanks, that's flattering. I'm straight, really I am
do NOT be insulted if the rider says "No, not interested in you, Really, I need coffee. Date you? Are you kidding??? "
or if the rider says "Oh, dang. You gotta brother? " introduce 'em if you do and he's looking.

[Irulan]

eerrr.... ummm....
I'm going to argue with this, and put my flame proof undies on.

'm certain a gay cycling club would never be gay-only/straight-barred.

I'm not. In my experience, groups that are unified by ...something... be it a characteristic, a belief, an activity can be pretty darn exclusive, in indirect and subtle ways. They may not directly say you aren't welcome, or bar someone from joining but it certainly can be insinuated, and people can be made to feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. Not to say that all of these kinds of groups are like this... not at all.. but to say they don't exist would be a falsehood, and to broadly say specifically that straight people would be welcomed into a gay specific group may or may not be true. It's really going to depend on the community, and how inclusive/exclusive/separatist or "PC" it is, or is not.

I do speak from personal experiences lest someone think I am theorizing.

[KnottedYet]

All I know is that I love my friends who supported me as I came out, I love my mom who laughed when I told her I was gay and she said she'd known since I was 16 (mind you, I didn't date a woman until I was 31), I love my managers who didn't fire me and feel pity for the ones who did, I love my coworkers who were so excited about my wedding, and I love my church for standing behind me and my family 100%.

LPH, all you have to do is tell your friend you love her and stand up for her and her rights. I think it's probably easier to do in Norway and the rest of the "First" world than it is here in the US, which may be why this thread has drifted so much. I hope you are still getting your question answered. Be willing to listen to her. If this is new to her (I had known about myself since I was about 5 years old, but I've known other gay women who really didn't have a clue until later) she may need to talk about it a lot. Like, A LOT A LOT A LOT. Listen. Invite her and her sweetie to dinner. Invite her alone for a walk. Be yourself. All shall be well.

[Trek420]

In my experience, groups that are unified by ...something... be it a characteristic, a belief, an activity can be pretty darn exclusive, in indirect and subtle ways. They may not directly say you aren't welcome, or bar someone from joining but it certainly can be insinuated, and people can be made to feel uncomfortable and unwelcome.

Ya know when I wandered into Bohemian Grove for a beer that i exactly how I felt "well, little lady. Uhm, err, welcome to the fold. Now if you're not a hooker or at least obscenely rich and powerful, grab a brew and get out"

Seriously a lot could depend on your attitude and that of the group, the event, the ride, prevailing culture, the time (you don't say when this was) .... for example there are many states where one can be fired for being gay, no job protection. In those areas people would understandably be a little more cautious. If I was living in that area, I'm at a gay event be it cycling or sewing circle and here's this straight person maybe I work with them or this "outs" someone else.

When I rode my first ALC my tentmate was a Different Spokes member, her BFF B tented next door. B is a big ol' bubbah of a straight man, could not be less gay. He and his partner ride with DS club. They could ride with any club, they ride with DS and are well respected and liked and vice versa.

So next time you're in NYC, there's a Fast and Fabulous ride you want to join, you have your bike ... just ask. There are for example Christian Cycling clubs. Say I wanted to do a group ride and their Thursday Slow Flat Easy Ride is perfect for me. I might ask "can a middle aged Jewish gal tag along?" They say no, that is their right. They say yes, awesome.

I'd imagine they might pray before setting off, that's fine, we're riding, we need it. Not going to jump up and down and screaming "that's not the way I pray, d@mn it!!" gonna be respectful of their culture, gonna learn something - I'm on their turf, gonna enjoy a ride.

By the same token if one was on a ride with a largely gay club (huge overgeneralizations follows here ) there may be stops for brunch or shopping but with respect all can enjoy the ride.

I think of this like TE itself. This is/was a largely women's board but we've seen over time men join. It's a different culture than other boards and while we can't quite figure out why I think it's largely because it is a mostly women's space. But we've seen men join, some feathers ruffled (remember when we pretty much ran off a soldier serving us in Iraq? Ah, nostalgia ) when they do but largely with respect for the culture and flavor of the board they've become welcome contributors.