Hubby is mad that I won't ride......

[Mr. Bloom]

Loving another person, whether a partner, parent, sibling, etc. means wanting to work to help both people be strong.

I've waited to weigh in. Some of the advice I see suggest seems to be more than "righteous push back" but rather "mean push back". I love what Triskeliongirl said here

I'm not one to speak about control in a relationship (I have my own demons on that...) and if your hubby is military...control is probably ingrained in his psyche. That's not going to change overnight.

I think push back offered in love makes a relationship stronger. One can be strong, decisive, and free without being mean...

[Zen]

Oven mitts, oven mitts, oven mitts.

[Trek420]

Like these?

[Zen]

Yes, please
Those are nice!

[Starfish]

I think push back offered in love makes a relationship stronger. One can be strong, decisive, and free without being mean...

He thinks I'm just being a picky B**** and basically I just don't want to ride with him. <snip> how can I express this to him and make him believe it?

Mr. Silver, I agree. And, of course, we have not heard from the husband, but the characterization above paints a mean picture, of a husband who calls his wife a b**** and who doesn't believe her when she says it hurts...and also expresses what sounds like manipulative conclusions about how she just doesn't want to ride with him. Now, that might be a mis-characterization. And, of course, just because one party is being mean-spirited, that doesn't mean it will help if the other party takes up that mean-spirit.

But, if a guy actually is saying she's a picky b**** because she doesn't want the saddle he picked out for her, and accuses her of not wanting to ride with him, discounting her physical pain (and her words describing that pain), putting the burden on her to convince him that she is being truthful...well, sorry, that p!sses me off, and puts me in a mean mood.

Should I have compassion for him...of course, and I actually do. Could it all be a misunderstanding...of course. But, if her description is accurate...it makes me feel mean. I've seen too much damage eventually done to women that started out with subtle controlling, done in manipulative ways to make the women feel they've been too sensitive.

[Zen]

Could it all be a misunderstanding...of course. But, if her description is accurate...it makes me feel mean. I've seen too much damage eventually done to women that started out with subtle controlling, done in manipulative ways to make the women feel they've been too sensitive.

I agree, Starfish. We can't really know for sure about this because you'd really have to be there but it doesn't sound good and being treated that way can lead to Major Bad Stuff for a woman who lacks confidence.
I hope we've given GG a start there. at least as far as cycling is concerned.

[OakLeaf]

I promised myself I'd sleep on this one, woke up even angrier than I was last night... but I see you two have beat me to it. Thanks

[SouthernBelle]

I've thought about this thread as well. It reminds me of a story a lady I know told me. Her husband, with the best intentions in the world, bought her a new car for her birthday. Think about how much time the average person spends in her car. But she had no say in what kind of car, what color, what extras, etc. And unfortunately, it wasn't what she would have chosen for herself. She grew to hate that car.

The OP is in the same position. Her husband went out and spent a lot of cash on something he thinks she should like. But he didn't consult her about what she would like. She didn't get to "test drive" her new vehicle. He doesn't understand why she doesn't really like what he spent so much money on with the best of intentions. She doesn't necessarily care for the color, the fit, whatever.

This past Christmas, my brother made an effort to buy me something cycling related. He got me a Camelbak. A good idea. But when my SIL asked me if I had one, I answered truthfully, 'yes'. He was disappointed. I exchanged it for a new helmet.

What we have here is a failure to communicate. When you are ploughing a ton of money into a gift for someone, why not take him/her with you or at least be sure what you are getting is something you are sure they want. Not what you think he/she should have.

[OakLeaf]

It's a little more than that, SB, though all those points are included.

He bought her something that causes her excruciating pain, called her a b**** for not enjoying it, and apparently has been "at it" with her for some time before she got up the nerve to post.

[Triskeliongirl]

Lets bring it back to the saddle problem. Maybe in her frustartion GG exagerated the relationship issues, maybe she didn't, but those points have been made.

When I first started riding seriously I developed chronic UTIs. My urologist wrote Terry Liberator Saddle on a prescription pad, and sent me to my LBS. In other words, he told me to try saddles with cut-outs. I started with a liberator, and was fine with it. Then I got a new bike that came with a butterfly, and was fine with that. But then I put it on another new bike and it stopped working and I realized even the butterfly which is fairly wide was not wide enough for my sit bones. When that happens your weight is borne by your soft tissues and not sit bones. In retrospect, I also know that my saddle height on the new bike was set a bit higher, which contributed to the problem. I bought a Brooks Finesse from Wallingford, with their generos return policy and love it. It doesn't have a cut-out, but because its wide enough to support my sit bones I don't need it.

My husband also rides skinny selle italia saddles, but he is not surprised they don't work for me, and would believe me if I said there was a problem. Also, if the seat tube angle on the bike he bought is steep (common on many smaller frames) you may also need a very laid back seatpost to get the saddle far back enough for good sitbone support.

BOTTOM LINE, mostly likely the saddle is supporting your soft tissues and not sit bones, and that is what is giving you pain. WHen that happens to your urethra, it will burn when you urinate and you can end up with a UTI. My labia were bleeding until I got my brooks finesse.

PLEASE REPORT BACK HOW YOU WORK THIS OUT. AND WELCOME!!!!

[Triskeliongirl]

One more thing. My husband is a fast racer type. There are no women in his peer group in our club that can stay with that group unless they allow her to (meaning they aren't going all out). I think you will find it very frustrating if your goal is to ride his pace. I am not as fast as my husband, but that doesn't mean that I don't love to ride and that its not a hugely important part of my (and our) life. For me, it keeps me physically healthy, mentally sound, and lets me do my bit for the environment. Mostly its a spiritual thing that keeps me strong in all aspects of my life.

SO, don't let the saddle problem discourage you. Its a great sport, so focus on first being able to ride pain free. Then find a peer group that will help you get stronger. Then you will be strong enough to go on rides with DH where he isn't going all out but you'll be able to ride fast enough that he'll still be able to enjoy it. Our you can go on cycling vacations together, and he can carry most of the luggage, like we do .

[chicago]

sounds like you need to do two things:

1) tell your husband you don't like being called a b**** just because you don't want to ride
2) tell him to appreciate his wife for who she is... and not who he wants her to be

... and as for the saddle, honestly... if you were really into cycling (and that's perfectly okay that you're not!), you would have found one already that worked. I somehow think the saddle is not the real issue here

[SouthernBelle]

My story wasn't intended to be the answer to all her problems.

& my SO would only call me a ***** once.

[Trek420]

Yes, please
Those are nice!

I forgot to credit them. You can get your very own pair of cycling oven mitts as "Etsy.com"

And that's "Ms. B****" to you.

[mimitabby]

wow, i wonder if that poor gal has come back to read all these posts.
I am seeing a lot of wisdom here; but I wonder if they are ready to hear the truth.