Dear So and So

[Catrin]

Crankin - thanks for your thoughts on this, it is appreciated. I am really looking forward to seeing my niece get married I've met her young man and I really like him!

[Xrayted]

Dear So and So... You started out fantastic. You were funny and loving and silly. And then at some point, you just shifted into this other person. Totally different.

So, it didn't work out. I tried my best but there are things I just won't allow into my life again. Negativity and psychological mind **cking isn't allowed. Picking a fight every time I saw you and then blaming me for it isn't allowed. Making me feel bad and like I owe you something isn't allowed. Pushing me to move too quickly and then being offended when I say I'm not ready to move in with you after only 1.5 mo of dating isn't allowed. Being a total prick over every thing isn't allowed. Pushing my buttons daily and then telling me I have some kind of mental condition... not allowed. Then when I find out that my Mom's cancer came back,I fell apart and barely held it together enough to go to work and then you attacked my family and called them names... Really not **cking allowed.

I was going to dump you but you beat me to it when you felt like I wasn't paying enough attention to you and you texted me to take care of my family sh!t and then call you sometime... the day I found out the biopsy results that it is stage 4. I gladly walked away from you and your bull$h!t. I had a drink or three and was relieved. I tried to be decent to you in spite of the total change that came over you during that short relationship. I simply asked you to leave me alone. No texts, no calls, no emails... you kept bugging me. Over and over and over and over... So, I nicely asked your friends to talk to you. You got aggressive with them too and they walked. Some never to return. I put you on the block list for my phone. Yesterday, out of the blue, you emailed me again. You are now pushing your luck with my nice side. I've moved on and I'm happy. Get over it and move along. There is nothing here for you ever again. Respect that. There is no option on that.

[Xrayted]

Dear So and So, congratulations for finally finding yourself and realizing that you are worthy and a decent person and you deserve real love and a tender relationship. You had a pretty rocky time of it over the years. Losing Dad at a young age, getting killed yourself only few years after that (and brought back), then losing THE ONE that made you look at life with new eyes - to a drunk driver, to crawling back into your hole thinking you must have deserved that somehow and just taking what came and settling for way too long, to meeting someone who mentored you and made you realize that you are okay the way you were born, to falling for the wrong one on so many levels but still trying to make it work in spite of knowing better, to getting your heart ripped out so viciously by that person, to almost finding yourself but then getting sidetracked by someone who turned out to be a negative vortex, to NOW. To putting your foot down and saying... no more. I deserve better and I won't settle for less, I deserve to be loved, to love someone fully without reservation or regret or the threat of hurt...because you just figured out that only you can hurt you. And you choose instead to nurture and love yourself no matter what. So here we are, us, we... me. Just me. Figuring out that "just me" is perfectly okay just the way I am. I can't wait to see what happens from here. The hopeless romantic in me will make more mistakes and the intelligent introspective adult will learn from those mistakes and keep evolving. Because, I'm a work in progress and I'm bound to just keep getting better and better.

[OakLeaf]

Aw, X, I'm so sorry that the person who seemed so promising at first turned so sour for you. That stinks. Good for you for taking care of yourself, though. Wishing you all happiness, and that it comes to you very soon.

[emily_in_nc]

And take out a restraining order if he harasses or stalks you. Be careful -- he sounds volatile.

[Catrin]

X - be cautious!!!!

My trip home to my nieces wedding was very nice. Very simple backyard wedding, and our wine glasses the night before the wedding were mason jars

I am no longer concerned about my sister's husband. He is a good old country boy who isn't quite right - but that doesn't make him dangerous. Some would probably say that about me I do think he "enhanced" the nature of his previous employment to impress my sister and is now stuck, not knowing how to own up to it as things moved so quickly. Wouldn't be the first time that's happened in the world of relationships. From his perspective he is in heaven as he WAS living in a camper on the side of a mountain with intermittent electricity.

I AM concerned about my sister, her behavior is very concerning. I don't really think he is the cause of that, neither does our other sister now we've had a chance to observe things for a few days. Nothing we can do about this however but to be supportive and see what happens. If I could have gotten her alone for a talk I might have asked about some of the strangeness, but that proved impossible and might have been for the best. Things are as they are, and there is nothing I can really do about it. She appears to be happy, regardless of her unusual behavior, and is once again in a situation where she must take care of someone with multiple health problems. That seems to be her comfort zone after taking care of our mom for so many years. It is what it is.

[Crankin]

Repetition compulsion. It's hard not be compelled to repeat the same patterns of behavior over and over, usually in relation to being the "rescuer" of someone who is struggling, or has some kind of emotional/physical health issues. Sometimes, jokingly named the "bad boy" syndrome. Like, when someone can't stay away from bad boy types.
Common in trauma survivors.

[Catrin]

Repetition compulsion. It's hard not be compelled to repeat the same patterns of behavior over and over, usually in relation to being the "rescuer" of someone who is struggling, or has some kind of emotional/physical health issues. Sometimes, jokingly named the "bad boy" syndrome. Like, when someone can't stay away from bad boy types.
Common in trauma survivors.

Thanks Crankin, I've been thinking the same thing - I had some personal experience with this back in the day (I liked the bad boys). The man is missing a foot and has had several organs transplanted, and she is a nurse, so 6 months after our mom passed she is back in the "care giver" mode. She does appear very happy with everything so I am not about to rain on her parade without being asked/without evidence of abuse.

[Xrayted]

Thanks for your concern. She has serious mental issues that she needs to address. The mental games she played with me after the first few weeks was just unbelievable. After talking to a counselor and friends, I came to my senses and realized that she was really messing with me. The fact that she dumped me on the day my Mom's biopsy results came back because I couldn't give her my full attention, just reassures me that I made the right decision to walk away. She just happened to say it first. I'm okay and I have plenty of support here and outside of the area. Thanks.

As for your sister, she's a big girl. You can't show her a path that she isn't prepared to take yet. And what makes you think she isn't happy just because she took on a responsibility for another human being that you maybe wouldn't have? The nurse in her says this is right, the woman in her told her this is right, the human in her told her this is right. It may be right "right now" or "forever". No way to know. She is getting something out of it. He is too. As long as both agree that it works, just allow them to be happy. Not everyone who lives the way he was is a bad person. Most aren't. They just have had no one to be there when they needed it the most. I think whatever this guy went through, he still kept a roof over his head and in doing so, also kept a bit of his dignity. Allow him the rest and the bounce back now by giving him a bit of respect and encouragement. Don't look down on him, help raise him up. You seem to be on this path in your heart, now turn it into action. There are tons of people out there who just need someone to believe in them again and they will soar.

[Catrin]

Agreed Xrayted - and that is what I was actually trying to say. I was far more concerned about HIM before I actually met the man. Time will tell, but I am no longer concerned about him at this point. Everyone was concerned about him taking advantage of her, but I don't THINK that is what is happening. I am more concerned about her uncharacteristic behavior that has everyone scratching their heads, but she has had major changes in the past 6 months. She has chosen her path, and I hope that she has finally found a good path for her, she has had two horrible marriages. I don't live close, so I am not around from day to day.

[emily_in_nc]

Thanks for your concern. She has serious mental issues that she needs to address.

Ooops, sorry -- I assumed "he" and may have missed your saying "she" in your post. Not that it matters, though I tend to think obsessive and/or mentally unstable men are a bit more likely to get violent/dangerous than obsessive women. Maybe just a stereotype, though!

[Xrayted]

Emily, there is no apology needed. I'm not offended. There is no reason to be. But I do agree, that men do tend to get the reputation of being more violent than women. I think because women go for the kill on emotions rather than physically. That can last much longer and be a much deeper pain in many ways. I've seen men destroyed forever by one bad woman in their lives over and over. I always wonder why people treat each other like that instead of just leaving and saying goodbye. ???

[Xrayted]

Okay, it's time to move forward and try to do what I actually moved to the PNW to do, live my life as I choose. Not dependent on anyone else's agenda or needs. Just mine for once. So.... I just applied at a Seattle area hospital for a job. I really like the UW system and it fits the type of place I've already been at for the last 7 years.
They even have the same retirement and I can add them together to keep building my current one. I really hope this happens. I really, really, really, really hope this happens. It's about time I get to live where I really wanted to for so long. I held back so that my ex could finish her own things. I've pieced my life back together after the devastation she left in her wake. She was thorough in her devastation but I can figure anything out and make it happen if I just put my mind to it. It's what I'm known for, the creative path to make it work.

Here I go... time to restart my life and take it in the direction that I want. As much as I give to others and help others, I've finally graduated to the place inside that says it's okay to give to and help me now.

[brigada]

Sounds like we're in the same position at the moment. I really hope the worst is past you now and that good things await on all fronts
Good luck with that job!

[snapdragen]

Good luck X! Hope you get the job, finger crossed.