Dear So and So

[lph]

Dear tiny middle-aged woman I see almost every morning,

you're a hardcore commuter cyclist. I know, I see you out there spring, summer, autumn and winter. You're not broke, you have real bike clothing and a good helmet. Won't you PLEASE go and treat yourself to a proper bike, instead of that monstrous, heavy step-through you struggle with up every hill? It's way too big for you. If you were a guy you'd be riding something half the weight and three times as expensive. It's ok, really. You deserve it. Go for it.

much love,
-your sister commuter

[lovelygamer]

Dear tiny middle-aged woman I see almost every morning,

you're a hardcore commuter cyclist. I know, I see you out there spring, summer, autumn and winter. You're not broke, you have real bike clothing and a good helmet. Won't you PLEASE go and treat yourself to a proper bike, instead of that monstrous, heavy step-through you struggle with up every hill? It's way too big for you. If you were a guy you'd be riding something half the weight and three times as expensive. It's ok, really. You deserve it. Go for it.

much love,
-your sister commuter

This is sweet. I met a low income guy last week who has rode his pedals down to nubs. I felt so bad for him and his beat down bike. He was as happy as a clam to be out biking though. His story was he's lost fifty pounds and got rid of severe gout since he started.

[lovelygamer]

Dear people who want to help me when I don't want it.

I really do love you guys and girls for looking out for me. I realize I am mostly poor and yeah, probably shouldn't be spending 800$ on a new bike but I WANT to and it's my $800. Do you know how much gas money I save by cycling? I have a ten year old Jeep with a soft top that runs like crap and eats gasoline. I want this bike and I'm saving for it. I will get one, regardless of your comments and efforts to sway me. It will take me awhile but it will happen. I'm nearly 40. I've ridden my current bike for 500 miles and after much time and effort spent on it, realize it's failures and inability to fit me. You haven't rode one mile with me. Let it go, okay?

[Wahine]

Sometimes growing is really no fun....
thanks though.

I wholeheartedly agree.

[Owlie]

Dear self,
No, you shouldn't ride today. You rode Sunday, and you rode yesterday. REST. Also, you can't actually ride because you're out of shorts. Open all the windows and clean instead. The place is covered with a blanket of cat hair anyway.

[bmccasland]

Lovelygamer - I think all of us at TE would agree, You deserve the bike! Go for it chickie!! And when you get your new bike, just remember, we like pictures! Good luck on saving up the funds, so that when you ride out of the shop, it'll be yours, all yours!

[Elphaba]

Dear UPS man,
please get my Avail Inspire to the LBS soon so I get a chance to ride it before I leave for vacation
Friday afternoon.
Thanks!

[Crankin]

Dear TE friends,
Just want an opinion. Well, not really an opinion, because I already decided what to do, but maybe just venting. About a month ago, my niece (daughter of my DH's brother) who is 15 was diagnosed with leukemia. She's 15, it's not childhood type of disease. She's doing well with some targeted drug tx, and will be having a bone marrow transplant in February. Her sister is a perfect match. My issue is my BIL and his inability to focus on what others are feeling. A little background:BIL is ten years younger than DH, youngest in family. Born on the same birthday as DH. Two sisters in between them, neither have kids. BIL was moved around a lot, told he was "a mistake," and generally got no attention. He's a liar, or let's just say embellishes everything. Compulsive spender and work-a-holic. Was in the army, met and impulsively married someone with a substance and mental health issue, had a kid and then had to "rescue" the boy from his mom after they divorced. The son did not turn out well, as despite years of therapy, BIL married someone barely older than my own son (5-6 years) who teated the son like Cinderella. The sick niece is the "princess" of the family and her sister, who is going to be the donor is ignored and quite overweight. They have tried to get her to lose weight by paying her! We have no relationship with these kids, but have visited and observed this over the years, as have my own children. So BIL called us at 1:30 in the morning to tell us the news and since then, it's been "woe is me, this is the worst thing that's happened to me, my life has changed, guess I have to see work differently, etc." But, it's not being said as an "epiphany," more like I can't control this, poor me. He does not mention anything about how his wife feels, or even how the daughter feels, except to say that she stated "now I understand why it was mean to make fun of the kid with a diabetes pump." We have asked constantly about how everyone is doing, with DH gently suggesting that he has to "man up," that he's the dad and he has to be attuned to both the medical needs AND the psychological needs of all. It's fallen on deaf ears. Instead, he started a chat group for people with the disease, which of course HE gets lots of kudos for, from others.
Today, we got a request for money to defray expenses for the transplant, for "what insurance doesn't cover." It's on some web site for "giving" for such things. I find this extremely crass, but I *guess* it's acceptable practice? Is this my flinty New Englander coming out? DH and I decided to give a little more than we would for a Bar Mitzvah, etc., but we both are worried that the money will be spent on a new car. We are the only ones in the family that will give, for sure.
As I said, just venting, but I find the whole thing very disturbing.

[OakLeaf]

It's very common in my area to pass a public hat for medical expenses (and living expenses while a family member is undergoing treatment). Even if they have the best insurance, they're likely to be tens of thousands of dollars out of pocket. People put their stories in the newspaper and establish a trust account with a local bank, put collection jars in local stores, and/or hold a meal or concert or raffle to raise money.

You might suggest that he establish such a trust account if this website isn't an actual trust. When it's intended to be short-term and produce a minimal amount of income, he should be able to do it directly with the bank for minimal to no cost, or perhaps with his local community foundation. Perhaps being a trustee would make him wiser with the money; if nothing else, it would mean that contributions are tax-deductible.

It's my experience also that "you're sick, poor me" is an extremely common response. Not that it's ever appropriate, and from your description he's taking it to an extreme. But it's one of the reasons I'm more likely to vent about my own health issues here on TE, than with people I actually know. It's hard enough taking care of myself when I'm injured or in the midst of a serious health scare, I don't have enough left to have to take care of the emotional needs that friends, spouse, etc. incur because I'm injured or whatever.

[bmccasland]

Crankin, in addition to what OakLeaf said, I would continue to ask about how the kids are doing in coversations with that family. Yes BIL has feelings, but what is actually happening is to the girls, gifting bone marrow is not like donating blood, and the child with leukemia needs all the support she can get.

Also, is there a way to encourage the sister who's donating (and with the weight problem) to be more active as she recovers from the bone marrow donation? Getting her into healthy activities would help with her weight as well as dealing with personal issues and that her sister is sick (sick kid will get more attention than other kids).

[Crankin]

All good ideas.
I have continually encouraged DH to use the language of feelings with his brother, but brother has no schema for this. DH is in the parental role here, as his parents are both dead. The family doesn't really have any community that I know of, other than work friends, maybe parents of the kids' friends. Before they knew the sister was a good match, we suggested they hook up with the Jewish community, as there is an established agency that does this (tries to find matches) and that was shot down. We were made to feel bad that we didn't sign up to be tested, but DH told him the reason, as we both have pre-existing conditions that disqualify us, and then he understood.
The problem is no matter what the brother does, it feels like self-promotion, even if it's in the service of his daughter. As a therapist, I know what the reactions to serious illness are, and I feel as if I could be of help. But, he's focusing on all of the wrong things. And past experience with him is clouding my vision. We've been accused of being "unfeeling," about some things, but in reality, we are just very pragmatic. We've had bad things happen to us, and we just deal with it differently, I guess.
I wish I was closer with his wife, and I find it quite odd that he doesn't ever mention how she is doing.
I've always said they were going to implode because his response to stress is to buy something or get a new job. When my younger son went to visit them once for Thanksgiving, he called us and said, "Don't ever make me come here again; they have no soul." He was 18 and I understood exactly what he meant. I just feel badly for the girls, both the sick one and especially the sister.
ETA: OK, as I suspected, this is somewhat of a scam. We donated, BIL called to thank DH. On the web site,it says the donations are for expenses not covered by insurance. In reality, his insurance will pay everything, except 5K, as he told DH. He can easily afford that. He is asking for 25K to "upgrade" his home, so it will be germ free after she comes home from the transplant. I know this is necessary, but the point is, if he had been saving even a nominal amount, instead of buying a 75,000 car, as well as multiple other frivolous things, he wouldn't be begging. This is not someone who is poor; it's someone who spends compulsively and without thought. I read his blog posts and it's nauseating. When he told DH he couldn't sleep, DH emphatically said, "you need to get counseling." Instead, he's getting pharmaceuticals.

[Biciclista]

Crankin, this really is a strange story. My uncle died from Leukemia. It's a kind of cancer, and there's no cancer that I would trust behind my back. This guy really does sound strange, I hope SOMEONE is minding those two girls!

[Crankin]

I could write a nice case study on this family.
The mom is a good mom to the girls, but part of my discomfort is just the way they've raised their kids and how she treated her step-son, a kid who already had attachment disorder. Let's just say,if I had a daughter, it would be different.

[bmccasland]

Dear Dentist,
I spent 4 lovely hours in your chair yesterday. Thank you for finally noting in my chart that I Don''t LIKE the bite dam thing. However, I am not feeling the love right now as my temp-crown came off while I was eating my breakfast this morning. I wasn't chewing anything difficult, just a nice whole grain muffin (without nuts). So I quit eating, drank my milk, brushed my teeth and came to work. Left a message on your voice mail, so please work me in today. The nubbin of a tooth feels really "special" right now. grumble grumble grumble
And by the way, I'm hungry as I had yogurt with applesauce for dinner last night.

[Fredwina]

Malkin,
duh, no kidding. My mother gets more obtuse every year.

I know about that. Just tried to explain to my mother what is going on in Libya and Egypt. All she really gets is that Hillary is all over the news.