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  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Columbia, MO
    Posts
    2,041

    Help! husband dislikes riding buddy

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    My husband barely knows my riding buddy. But he dislikes him and is jealous when we ride together. Good riding buddies are hard to come by and I'm not sure what to do.

    A little more background: he has no cause to be jealous. We are just riding buddies and nothing more. Although there seem to be hordes of women on TE, there just don't seem to be many women cyclists in my area! Or else they seem to be of two extremes--super serious and way faster, or recreational and way slower and can't go as far.

    I do ride a lot with my husband, who is in the "way slower" (but improving) category. He may be sensitive about his physical condition, and comparing himself to my riding buddy. I love rides by myself too, but not all the time.

    Any thoughts?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Seattle
    Posts
    8,548
    Marriage can be so fragile, especially when dealing with egos. Can you advertise somewhere for a female riding partner?
    I would be jealous too.
    Mimi Team TE BIANCHISTA
    for six tanks of gas you could have bought a bike.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Seattle, WA
    Posts
    1,764
    How well does your husband know your riding buddy?

    I used to have a male riding buddy but that was before DH. When I met DH, however, quite a few of my friends were male. It was a male friend who introduced us!

    I think good riding buddies are valuable but I can see how your husband can feel excluded. It probably doesn't help that he feels insecure about his riding and he sees another male who provides you what he can't. (Silly, granted.)

    How does your riding buddy feel about it? How about including your husband anytime he wants to ride with the two of you? Have you asked him what he dislikes about your friend?

    Part of marriage is being sensitive to your mates insecurities but trust should be there too. I wonder how much of it is male pride?

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Kelowna, BC, Canada
    Posts
    2,737
    I agree with Mimi. I think my marriage and my hubby's feelings would have to come first, even if I knew there was no real concern. We can't help the way we feel and I am pretty sure that if my husband rode regularly with another woman was much more his equal in cycling, I'd be jealous even if it waas't a trust issue. I think the more you ride with your hubby, the stronger he will become so it will no longer be an issue. Maybe you could do club rides with a larger group when you feel the need to hammer?
    It is never too late to be what you might have been. ~ George Elliot


    My podcast about being a rookie triathlete:Kelownagurl Tris Podcast

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Limbo
    Posts
    8,769
    I wish I could find a male riding buddy. Or any riding buddy for that matter.
    2008 Trek FX 7.2/Terry Cite X
    2009 Jamis Aurora/Brooks B-68
    2010 Trek FX 7.6 WSD/stock bontrager

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Riding my Luna & Rivendell in the Hudson Valley, NY
    Posts
    8,403
    Just my personal opinion:
    I think you should talk to your husband about it. It does not set a healthy precedent to have your husband be in a role where he can just eliminate your male friends for little reason other than his own insecurity. I have friends of both sexes, and so does my husband. Some of our friends are shared friends, and some are just personal friends. Having lots of friends is healthy and good. Riding with others is safer, too.
    I don't believe we should only be able to have friends of our own sex- gee that eliminates half the wonderful people on earth!
    Lisa
    Our bikes...OurBikes...and my mountain dulcimer blog
    Ruby's Website and My blog
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Seattle, WA
    Posts
    1,764
    I think Lisa said it better than I did.

    If there's a problem, then address it. If it's riding insecurity, that is good incentive to get out there and practice. If it's jealousy or trust, then that needs to be broken down and discussed.

    DH likes to ride with me but if he can't ride (and during the week, he can't) he'd rather have me be with someone because it's safer. He plays baseball and I don't. There are females that he plays with. Yeah, they are cute and they bond in a team comraderie kind of way but it's ok. I am always invited to attend games or post-game festivities. They know about me as my male friends know about DH.

    I value my marriage very much and I would do anything to maintain harmony. We are also individuals with interests and friends and that makes us far better partners, I think.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Folsom CA
    Posts
    5,667
    I guess I'm very lucky in that my husband of 18 years really encourages my riding and is very supportive of me. Up until fairly recently, he was a much stronger rider than I, but I've started training for longer distances and I've become the stronger one.

    To be honest, I was was a bit worried about how he'd feel, and I felt a bit guilty, when I started doing a lot of rides on my own and with groups that he wouldn't be able to keep up with.

    I still ride with my husband a lot, but not as much as I used to. I generally do one long, strenous ride one weekend day (usually Saturday) without him, and then do a more relaxed ride with him the other weekend day. So I haven't really "abandoned" him. He also likes to ride on his own, so sometimes he'll head out with me as I start my long ride, and then head off on his own along a different route.

    So, I guess what you need to find out is, what is it that your husband wants of you?

    It seems kind of unfair to me that he would want you to dump the riding buddy just because he's a guy.

    Could the issue be that your husband feels you're not spending enough time with him? If that's the case, then the issue might still be there even if your riding buddy were female.

    Would it be possible for you to keep riding with the buddy but to go out on fewer rides with him, and go out on more rides with your husband?

    I wish you the best. This is a difficult situation, but to be honest, I think your husband is not being very fair to you. But that's just my two cents.

    2009 Lynskey R230 Houseblend - Brooks Team Pro
    2007 Rivendell Bleriot - Rivet Pearl

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Top of Parrett Mountain, Oregon
    Posts
    453
    I think you are lucky to have a male riding buddy. It is special to be able to have riding buddies of any sex.

    One of my friends is a younger male. I can't ride with him because he owns some sort of strange granny type of bike that folds up and has tiny tires, like something a granny would cycle around to get from the dining hall to her apartment at a retirement complex. His cycling speed is about 6 mph. My average speed is more than twice as much as his top speed.

    So I think you are lucky. You have a friend who rides at your speed and your distances. That is real special to have. The problem isn't with you, but with your husband.

    Like Lisa, I've been married a long time and we've both had close friends of the opposite sex. It is normal in a healthy relationship to have such friends.

    I hope you get it sorted out. You don't ever want to lose a biking buddy.

    Darcy

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Blessed to be all over the place!
    Posts
    3,433
    Any relationship is only as strong as each member's willingness to provide edifying support to the other.

    If this is a point of consternation in the relationship, then it is not edifying and will only have a negative impact.

    Is this allowing the "insecure" one to dictate who your friends are? or Is it your willingness to submit yourself a discretionary relationship for one that is a true long term commitment? I believe the latter. I also do not believe that the fault is necessarily his 'insecurity' as you each have a stake in the strength of the relationship and a responsibility to nurture each other in your challenges.

    I do not begrudge Silver having male friends that I know and trust.

    I would have serious problem with her continuing a male friendship that I had problems with...regardless of the reason.
    If you don't grow where you're planted, you'll never BLOOM - Will Rogers

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    San Antonio, TX
    Posts
    2,024
    My first reaction was that your husband is being ridiculous, but then I put myself in his shoes, which I can a little cuz in our family my husband is the stronger rider. Recently a new gal from cali moved here and started riding with our club. Being used to the cali mountains, she was able to hang with the two fastest men on a recent ride, my hubby included. They both joked after the ride how they 'could have dropped her' but hey, that would be unfriendly given she is new to the club and did such a great job keeping up, they didn't want her to ride alone, while the other fellow (who is also very happily married) also commented 'and she is hot.' Well, while I was a tad jealeous that I can't do what she can, it didn't really bother me since she was with both of them, and I was out there too. But, if my husband started making plans to ride exclusively with this women, it would bug me (and I have been married 20+ years). The way we handle the strength difference is that we ride with a club that has rides of varying distances starting from the same spot. That way we drive to the ride together, talk about it after together, but just ride with our respective peer groups. I just always do one distance shorter than him.

    I think whether you think your husband's feelings are rationale or not, that he is your husband and you have to respect how he feels. Jealousy is not a rationale emotion. Is there a club you could ride with that has riders of variable ability. I am sure he would be less jealeous if you just hung with a GROUP of faster men, vs this one specific guy.
    Last edited by Triskeliongirl; 06-23-2007 at 06:29 AM.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Oslo, Norway
    Posts
    4,066
    I have the dubious pleasure of being able to see this case from both sides...

    My dh has a female climbing buddy that I'm jealous of. She is smart, an ex-colleague of his, funny, charming, 5 yrs younger than me, oh, and I forgot to mention - gorgeous. Guys flock to her like moths to a flame. No, I'm not worried that my dh will do anything wrong, but I'm not happy about the idea that on a sunny afternoon he's out having a terrific time at a climbing crag with this girl - instead of me.

    I know my reaction is irrational, and I've stressed it many times to him that it's MY problem, not his, but I asked for one thing - that he invite her home for dinner so that I could get to know her too. And for me it helped just making myself visible to her, if that makes sense. And it helps actually seeing them together, and seeing that they relate to each other on a purely friendly level.

    On the other hand, I have a biking buddy who I find very funny and enjoyable to be around, and I noticed my dh looking kind of unhappy when I mentioned going biking with him. I asked dh to come along, but he was afraid of getting dropped...

    I then made a point out of getting biking buddy to come inside before the ride to "have something to drink", so dh could see that this is just an average-looking guy, 15 yrs his senior, slightly overweight, who happens to love biking - and not some hot, young athlete...

    Point is - jealousy is irrational, but it's also a very painful and humiliating emotion. If you care for your partner you try to lessen his jealousy if you can, without ratifying it.
    Winter riding is much less about badassery and much more about bundle-uppery. - malkin

    1995 Kona Cinder Cone commuterFrankenbike/Selle Italia SLR Lady Gel Flow
    2008 white Nakamura Summit Custom mtb/Terry Falcon X
    2000 Schwinn Fastback Comp road bike/Specialized Jett

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Israel (Middle East)
    Posts
    1,199
    Tricky situation.

    You could try telling him you would not think of leaving your *bike* for a man; since you love riding so much you aren't going to be doing anything else but riding.
    Btw, how does your bike feel about this?

    All you need is love...la-dee-da-dee-da...all you need is love!

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Minneapolis, Minnesota
    Posts
    502
    Quote Originally Posted by mimitabby View Post
    Marriage can be so fragile, especially when dealing with egos. Can you advertise somewhere for a female riding partner?
    I would be jealous too.
    I'm in this camp.

    My DH and I don't do things alone with someone of the opposite sex. Groups are fine, but neither of us is comfortable with one on one.

    Call us old fashioned if you want.
    2007 Trek 5000
    2009 Jamis Coda
    1972 Schwinn Suburban

    "I rejoice every time I see a woman ride by on a bike. It gives her a feeling of self-reliance and independence the moment she takes her seat; and away she goes, the picture of untrammelled womanhood."
    Susan B. Anthony, 1896

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Wiltshire, England, UK
    Posts
    509
    I'm going to quote my husband here. He always says:

    "If you don't have trust within a relationship, then you don't have a relationship".
    There are a lot of unwanted, unloved bikes out there - go on give a bike a good home

 

 

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