Bad husband! No nookie!

[Biciclista]

I heard this quote recently - forgive me for paraphrasing... an old woman was asked what was the secret to her glorious 50+ year marriage and she stuck her tongue out, and then said, "see all the bite marks?"

AH WISDOM!

[Ana]

My new BF has told me to NEVER assume that he has any idea what I want or need and that he'd much rather me tell him clearly so that he can be the best he can be for me. I think that's a pretty good policy.

I think many people struggle with communicating their needs and wants to others, especially since it's so obvious to ourselves (inside our heads). It takes a lot of effort to remember to outwardly communicate things that seem obvious to ourselves. It's the kind of thing where it is often better to overcommunicate rather than undercommunicate.

Culturally, I believe men are not as accustomed to using language to express themselves. Additionally, male-to-male communication oftentimes directly include their immediate feedback or wants (sometimes lacking tact or finesse...).

[DDH]

Indigoiis, I love that bit written by that Barry guy! I'm such an 'Elaine' it isn't funny!

Communication is something I'm REALLY working on, and it's not easy for me. This thread is really hard to read for that reason, seeing all sides and everyone has a point! How much do you cut the hubby some slack and when IS it a big enough deal to bring up to talk about it? What happens when logically you know and understand his actions, and it's not a big deal like Tuckerville posted, but if it bothers her and makes her angry, then why isn't it a BIG DEAL with caps? Do you go by situation or emotions to grade the importance to 'work it out' with your spouse and spend the energy and time to hash it out?

Hugs to all of you that are going through heartache, in such difficult times.

If you are asking this literally, then it's going to be a different answer for everyone. Everyone's interpretation of importance is different. What might be important to one won't be to another.
I always go by, is it really worth potentially causing an argument. For example, and this is just something small. My husband never pushes in the dining room chair. Use to drive me insane, and I learned to bite my lip and just walk by and push it in myself. I said something at first, many times but once I realized he just wasn't going to get it I quit trying. It just wasn't worth expending the energy it took getting aggravated, nor was it worth starting an argument over. I have learned to live with it. It still bugs me sometimes, but most of the time I go by and push it in without even realizing I'm doing it.

[Tri Girl]

I always go by, is it really worth potentially causing an argument.

That's the standard I live by. I admit that I'm highly obsessive/compulsive/anal about many things. Things I wasn't obsessive about when DH and I started dating/living together. Things back then that didn't bug me bug me now. It's not his fault I've become a little weird about stuff. If it's worth getting into an argument, I do. If it isn't, I don't. I figure he puts up with a lot of crap from me, too, so I need to put up with his crap as well. Plus, I'm not breaking in a new model at this point. The only way out is in a casket... but I hope that's not for a very long time.
Of course- if he does something over the top that breaks trust/damages our financial future/cheats, etc... all bets are off. I'm going for the jugular. There are certainly many situations that are unacceptable.

I like the story of the old woman with the bite marks on the tongue story. Hee hee. So true.

[Crankin]

I'm starting to wonder if I am the only one who is happily married, for a long time. This is not to make judgements, just an observation. It just seems like there is so much unhappiness around...

[tulip]

I'm starting to wonder if I am the only one who is happily married, for a long time. This is not to make judgements, just an observation. It just seems like there is so much unhappiness around...

But it wasn't always so for you, Crankin. I remember you talking about your first marriage, which was less than rosy. I think many people have periods of very good in their relationships, and periods of not-so-good or even very bad. I was married for a long time, and most of it was very good. I'm now in a very positive relationship, but no longer married.

Like me, you probably learned alot in your first marriage, and are able to apply those lessons in your current marriage. Marriage takes work and communication. And I truly do believe that people can "grow apart" if the relationship is not nurtured.

If one is not happy in a relationship, there are options. One can stay for staying's sake, work hard with the other person to make changes for the better, or leave the relationship. The staying-for-staying's sake option is the worst one, although I think alot of people do it anyways.

[Crankin]

My first marriage was so long ago, I barely consider it; I was married for a year, and I knew when to leave...there are a lot of options.
I truly am just making an observation. For example, of all of the couples we were good friends with in AZ, when my kids were little are now divorced. Back then, we used to be a little jealous of some of them. They all had more money, traveled more, none of the women worked (not that I wanted that one). But, when I look back, I think I could have predicted all but one of these. The couple that was the "perfect family," and the closest to us, divorced about 5 years ago. My friend is remarried and her ex has a steady, but this was somewhat disconcerting to my whole family. Separately, both my kids sent me an email after I told them, questioning whether we were going to get divorced.
It's just sad...

[salsabike]

I'm starting to wonder if I am the only one who is happily married, for a long time. This is not to make judgements, just an observation. It just seems like there is so much unhappiness around...

You aren't the only one. I am. My close personal friends are also happily married. Several of my good, local cycling buddies are ditto.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

You aren't the only one. I am.

Me too. I've gotten better at relationships (relationships with friends, with my spouse, with my children, with myself) as I've gotten older. I used to have a terrible time long ago though.

[Crankin]

Thanks for restoring my faith in humanity.
Lisa, I knew you would chime in.
I used to be a little on the mean side to guys who were nice to me... Steve cured me of that. Heck, I am nice to everyone now!

[beccaB]

I think I have a good one almost always, but he does act like a typical man sometimes. It's really hard to understand his logic at times, but I would definately not trade him in for a different model! There just aren't any as good! He came out to find me one night when I was biking back from a friend's house almost in the dark. He didn't call me on my cell to find out where I was, he actually came out in the car! I did find that I have to very specifically tell him what I need and want, It's frustrating, and seems selfish that I have to spell it out, but men just don't think like we do!

[Tuckervill]

I'm starting to wonder if I am the only one who is happily married, for a long time. This is not to make judgements, just an observation. It just seems like there is so much unhappiness around...

I have a happy marriage, too. We just occasionally have "incidents". lol. I think couples who don't disagree once in a while aren't really engaged with each other.

Karen

[DDH]

I consider my marriage a happy one. We argue once in a while, but shoot, I argue with my friends and siblings on occasion too.
I can tell you this, I would rather fight with him, than live without him.
I know that when you are fighting,(not literal), it always feels like the end, and you feel like, why do I bother but once it's over, if it wasn't a deal breaker I mean, then you wonder, why did I let that affect me so bad. At least I do that. I admit that it's not perfect, but nothing is.
He is a jerk at times, but so am I. I certainly wouldn't want to date or find a new one. The grass is not always greener on the other side and you might find what you had was worth having once you lose it. Of course the opposite could be true also. I'm just happy enough not to want to try to find out.

[Crankin]

We disagree on things, and may have a heated discussion, but these are not usually about important things. The big stuff, well, I decided a long time ago that I needed to be with someone who was on the same page about the important things. I also think that as the years have gone on, my husband has become more like me in some things, mostly attitudes/values. Of course, I became like him, when I started cycling; not that we didn't get along before that, but because of cycling, we spend almost all of our free time together. Sometimes we are with others, as we do have an active social life, but not always. Before that, I was always going to the gym very early in the AM, before work, not to disrupt family time and he barely exercised until 1998.
MY DH is from a very dysfunctional family and I think he learned a lot about what he didn't want to be like from observing them, especially his father. When we were first married, he spent a lot of time with my parents and I think it was his first experience with non-judgmental people. It worked. I would never call him a jerk, because he never acts like one. If he ever does something I don't like, I just tell him and I try to be calm, because he spent too many years getting called a jerk, moron, a**hole, etc by his dad.
I judge the quality of our relationship by the way my adult sons treat their girlfriends. A very good barometer!

[wannaduacentury]

I have a happy marriage, too. We just occasionally have "incidents". lol. I think couples who don't disagree once in a while aren't really engaged with each other.

Karen

+1 I'm in a happy mariage too. 14 years on Aug 19th. I have friends who've gotten divorced recently and I can emphathize with them. They tried, it just didn't work. Sometimes I feel like the odd one out too b/c I'm not a single out dating. Jenn