Self-inflicted guilt

[GLC1968]

Does anyone else do this to themselves? How do I keep from beating myself up all the time?

I've actually been working on it for the past few years when it comes to self-image. Looks, diet, athletic performance...I've improved greatly in this area and I'm not nearly as hard on myself as I used to be which is a big relief. I think part if it is actually aging and lifestyle change where I put a lot less importance on appearances anyway.

But man, when it comes to accomplishing things I'd set out to do, I'm relentless. The latest is our '72 VW Super Beetle. Today she was picked up by a towing company because we donated her to the Oregon Humane Society. They told me that she'd fetch a great price at auction, so they were very pleased. I should be as well but instead, I'm feeling incredibly guilty for 'giving up'. The poor thing sat in our garage awaiting restoration for 2 years before I finally had to admit that I was never going to get to it. And now I feel guilty for admitting defeat.

We are also currently working on putting our house on the market and moving into town. I alternate between insane guilt for 'giving up' on the sustainable farming thing and excitement at our eventual ability to get a real handle on our lives for the first time in 4 years. I shouldn't feel guilty about this, but I do. I'd set out to do something and I am beating the crap out of myself for not following through with it anymore.

How do I stop this?

[lph]

Hmm... is some of this really just sadness at letting go of a hope or an idea? Because that's the downside of making a decision. You can no longer entertain all those lovely possibilities, all at the same time, of how this, that or the other could be.

I dunno. If you're a conscientious person who gets excited about and emotionally involved in things I think it sort of comes with the territory. Maybe it helps if you focus on how it really isn't possible to do two contradictory things at once, and having chosen one, you have to go for it even it makes you feel sad to leave the other one behind. Another point is that re-assessing old decisions about how you want to spend your time is a good and mature thing to do, it's not "giving up". Somehow the situation has changed since you made the initial decision, and you've changed with it. If you feel guilty you're feeling guilty about changing a decision that "a different you" made under different circumstances. To exaggerate my point: I'm sure you don't feel guilty about not following through on ideas you held as a teenager.

Interesting topic! And yeah, I've done it too

[Irulan]

Two mantras I use.
"Just for today" I will not ....(whatever: feel guilty, be resentful) in some cases it's just for this hour lol

"let go let god" Let it go, let your higher power worry about it.

You have to do it about 10,000 times before it sticks, but it's worked for me over the years.

[GLC1968]

lph - that's a really good point. There is definitely a sadness factor to it as well. I should probably work on separating those two feelings before trying to deal with the guilt. I am very much OK with being sad about change. I spent my life moving around and I remember my mom telling us during one of our particularly difficult ones "being sad when you leave only means that you had a good time and that is something you should be happy about". Somehow, that always makes me appreciate the sadness.

I do get the idea of letting go of things that no longer apply to our lives...but unfortunately, in both of these cases, that's not entirely the situation. Though, we do both have more responsibilities at work, so the farm is getting to be a bigger burden than it used to be. I could certainly frame it that way in my head. That's another good point.

Irulan - good mantras! I'll try it!

[lph]

also - maybe you feel guilty because these decisions are closely connected to who you want to be as a person. By leaving the farm do you sort of feel you're giving up on living sustainably altogether? But you can still live sustainably and be a good and moral and ethical consumer, without owning your own farm. That's just one way of expressing and living that ideal.
Just a thought, I don't know if this is the case for you or not obviously.

[indysteel]

1. You donated a valuable car to the humane society so that a lot of animals will be helped.

2. You spent 4 years learning about sustainability, so now you can apply that to the rest of your life while living in an urban situation. Most likely, you will pass along what you learned to other urban 'dwellers.'

Hmmm. I don't see a failure here.

Me neither. Pretty impressive if you ask me.

GLC, imagine that instead of talking to yourself, you're talking to your best friend. She's changed her mind about two big things in her life. Would you be this hard on her with respect to these changes? Would you encourage her to see the positive aspects of these decisions? Would you encourage her to forgive herself for not living up to some self-imposed ideal? Would you encourage her to take pride in the maturity it takes to make positive changes in her life?

Now repeat after me: You ARE your best friend.

[Crankin]

GLC, it's OK to change your mind about what best fits your life at any given time. Most people wouldn't even dream of sustainability in the way you have. We all go through phases.
Do what's best for you, your DH, what you want. I'm a great believer in "no guilt." You're an adult and you have the right to change your mind. While you might be sad, which is normal with any transition, you have no reason to feel guilty.
I'm anxious to hear about your move to an urban environment.

[GLC1968]

Me neither. Pretty impressive if you ask me.

GLC, imagine that instead of talking to yourself, you're talking to your best friend. She's changed her mind about two big things in her life. Would you be this hard on her with respect to these changes? Would you encourage her to see the positive aspects of these decisions? Would you encourage her to forgive herself for not living up to some self-imposed ideal? Would you encourage her to take pride in the maturity it takes to make positive changes in her life?

Now repeat after me: You ARE your best friend.

I've tried this approach before, but honestly, I hold myself to a higher standard than I hold my friends. I always have.

I do get what you all are saying and you are absolutely helping me.

Looking at what I did instead of what I didn't do is huge, too. Thanks you guys!

Our next adventure will be to learn all the sustainability things we didn't have time to do when we had animals. I'm looking forward to learning things like grey-water systems, solar power and herb gardening. Unfortunately, the process of getting from where we are now to where we are going is probably going to suck pretty royally, but I'm still convinced (most of the time) that we are making the right choice. I'm sure I'll be back to cry on some shoulders when we say goodbye to the goats.

[indysteel]

I assumed you held yourself to a higher standard, but my suggestion is rooted in cognitive behavioral therapy. It is possible to change your internal dialogue. You have to, first, be aware of your current dialogue. Then you have to practice, practice, practice challenging that dialogue with a new one. I'm oversimplifying of course, but with time and practice, you can change patterns of thought.

That aside, I hate to hear you being so hard on yourself. From what you share of yourself on TE, you sound like a pretty amazing person.

[Irulan]

I do get the idea of letting go of things that no longer apply to our lives...but unfortunately, in both of these cases, that's not entirely the situation. Though, we do both have more responsibilities at work, so the farm is getting to be a bigger burden than it used to be. I could certainly frame it that way in my head. That's another good point.

Irulan - good mantras! I'll try it!

I don't mean letting go of ideas that mean something. I mean letting go of the urge to have negative internal talk about it.

[lph]

From what you share of yourself on TE, you sound like a pretty amazing person.

Oh yeah! It may not be easy being the one with such high standards, but it's pretty dang inspiring for the rest of us.

[indysteel]

Oh yeah! It may not be easy being the one with such high standards, but it's pretty dang inspiring for the rest of us.

Yes, but I think you can be inspiring and amazing and still be gentle with yourself. I think that takes just as much strength of will as beating yourself up all the time for perceived failures.

[Crankin]

I just read a research study that said affirmations don't work for people who are struggling with self esteem issues. Duh.
Noticing and observing your internal dialogue is really the first step. Keep a "thought" journal and look for patterns. Then, as stated earlier, you have to challenge your assumptions, so you can replace them with positives.
Really, one of the most successful things I have my clients do is to just "observe and record" their thoughts. Then we look at the distorted thinking that supports them.

[Wahine]

This is a fascinating thread and I want to thank all of you, especially GLC1968, for sharing your thoughts on this topic. It seems like something that so many women are prone to and that I have struggled with myself. I seem to be much better about it all now that I'm no longer in a relationship with an overly critical partner, but it still lingers. And it's something that I try hard to discourage in my coaching and physical therapy clientele.

[Selkie]

I just read a research study that said affirmations don't work for people who are struggling with self esteem issues. Duh.
Noticing and observing your internal dialogue is really the first step. Keep a "thought" journal and look for patterns. Then, as stated earlier, you have to challenge your assumptions, so you can replace them with positives.
Really, one of the most successful things I have my clients do is to just "observe and record" their thoughts. Then we look at the distorted thinking that supports them.

Thanks for this, Crankin.

GLC - Everyone else has covered it, so I won't rehash. As I said before, you are an amazing person.