Our own Lifetime movie

[Melalvai]

My husband found his father this week. He found him from an obituary, which means he is about 2 years too late. But honestly, from what we've learned since then, I'm not sure it would have been possible to find him any other way. With a last name like "Davis" it's hard to track someone down.

It's been an emotional couple of days. His mother left his father when my husband was 3. No one his mother hooked up with ever had any money, so while social services kept track of his father pretty diligently, even they gave up after a while. About ten years ago my husband made a lot of phone calls and found a person we're pretty sure was his grandmother. She gave him a phone number for what might be his father, but no one ever answered the number.

A couple weeks ago he got on ancestry.com and started putting together his family tree. It's a lot easier to find someone once they are dead. He found his grandmother and her husband, and her first husband (his grandfather). At least, he was pretty sure they were the right people, based on what little he knew about the family.

Then someone connected to his tree (basically a distant cousin) sent him an obituary for his father. It had all the right names. He had found his father, two years too late.

The obituary had a phone number for the funeral home. He called them and they passed his message along to his father's wife. She tried to call, but they had given her the wrong area code, but when he called the funeral home back they gave him her number.

He was super nervous. He called her--and she talked his ear off for two hours. She told him all about his father. He had the same personality as my husband, only more so. He died of colon cancer at age 57. He hated to go to the doctor and he put it off until too late. My husband's grandfather also died of colon cancer at age 30. That scared him, so first thing this morning he called and scheduled a doctor's appt!

His father liked science fiction and football. She called him a "redneck hippie". That sort of contradiction describes my husband very well. (He doesn't like football. But he has many likes & dislikes that don't seem to go together.)

It's like a birth and a death in the family all at once. He keenly regrets not pushing harder to reach him, 10 years ago. But after learning a little more about his grandmother, it seems likely to me that she might have given him the wrong phone number, and it is very possible that wasn't accidental. (By everyone's account she was not a nice person.)

His father's wife said he was "a very confused boy" and then one day just quit drinking and straightened out his life. All the time I've known my husband (half my life now) I've been disdainful of the stream of fathers that left his mom & her kids penniless, even destitute. It is true that his father was the first of them, but it sounds like at some point he did change. So both my husband and I are having to readjust our world views. This is a much bigger deal for him. "It's part of my identity," he told me this morning. His identity included this missing piece that was his father. That piece isn't missing anymore.

This is way too much like a Lifetime movie.

[TsPoet]

Wow, that's heavy (sorry to be so 70s, that's just what comes to me).
I've always believed much more in nurture than nature, except where biology is concerned. So, it's interesting to hear stories like this.
I'm glad he's made an appointment to check out the medical biology side.

[maillotpois]

That's a great story. I'm adopted, so I appreciate the sense of closure that at least having the information can give you. (I was fortunate enough to have met my birth mother and my delightful half sister within the last 5 years.)

[OakLeaf]

Wow.

TSPoet can be late '60s/early '70s, I'll be late '70s and call it "intense."

I'm sure your DH will be processing [90's] this information for a while. +1 I'm glad he's found closure.

[Tri Girl]

wow- what a heavy load to get all at once (finding then losing his father).
I'm glad he got to talk to his father's wife to get to learn about him and how he's connected to him. This story gave me warm fuzzies- for your hubby- knowing he knows a little more about himself now.

[Melalvai]

Hee, yes, heavy, intense, it's been awfully emotional around here for a couple days.

Yeah, I find the personality thing fascinating. Makes me feel a lot more tolerant of his quirks knowing he inherited it. I don't know why inherited personality traits are more forgivable than learned traits? Also I've been wondering about personality and genetics and evolution. Maybe some German tribe had a really bad time of it and needed to be paranoid, suspicious, and anti-social to survive?

[shootingstar]

His father's wife said he was "a very confused boy" and then one day just quit drinking and straightened out his life. All the time I've known my husband (half my life now) I've been disdainful of the stream of fathers that left his mom & her kids penniless, even destitute. It is true that his father was the first of them, but it sounds like at some point he did change. So both my husband and I are having to readjust our world views. This is a much bigger deal for him. "It's part of my identity," he told me this morning. His identity included this missing piece that was his father. That piece isn't missing anymore.

This is way too much like a Lifetime movie.

Sad that your hubby didn't meet his father, who became a better person. That is heartbreaking.

By the way, one of my brothers-in-law's last name is Davis.

Yes, small world. This Davis' father was veternarian before he retired 2 decades ago.

I know, a TON of Davises.

[lph]

Maybe some German tribe had a really bad time of it and needed to be paranoid, suspicious, and anti-social to survive?

We're all like that up here.
Only half kidding.

I'm glad he finally found people and information that will help fulfill his sense of identity! That is important, no matter if the information feels good or bad, it has to ring true.

That's a bummer that people are easier to find once they're dead...

[Koronin]

Glad he is able to put the missing piece in place. My husband also had a missing piece. He actually knew his father, but no one else in his father's family. He had tried ancestry.com and some other places to find members of his father's family about 7-8 years ago to no avail. Then about 2 years ago he was contacted by a cousin of his father's through ancestry.com. So he was finally able to get that piece and has actually met this cousin and her husband. (The husband is actually this cousin). He's also talked with her on the phone several times, and two or three other members of his father's family through email and facebook. Yeah it can be a lot to process.

[Melalvai]

One of the important bits of information was that both his father and biological grandfather died of colon cancer. His father at age 57, grandfather at age 30. That scared the crap out of him, and his next phone call was to schedule a doctor's appointment. Doc asked when was the father diagnosed so he called the stepmother again-- at age 52 when a tumor ruptured his colon. Therefore Iain should get colonoscopies starting at age 42 which is less than 5 years away. But the doc also explained how regular exams will get the polyps early before they can do any harm. So it was both alarming and reassuring.

Of course I reminded him that exercise, diet, and weight have a much stronger impact on risk of colon cancer than genetics!

I was reading up on risk factors and I didn't realize inflammatory bowel disease is also a risk factor. Guess I'm at risk too but I don't know if that means I'll be getting screened more frequently or at a younger age, like him.

[Melalvai]

Thought I'd post a follow up on this story because last weekend we drove up to Minnesota and met Aunt Pat, his father's sister, and Uncle Randy. Also a cousin and her kids, her stepkids, a step cousin and her daughter.

He was nervous, he's so shy around strangers and it takes years before someone graduates from being a "stranger". But not this time. He was immediately comfortable. Cousin Christine is our age and all the kids were around our daughter's age. We played games, laughed a lot, ate great food...and there were tears. I made Aunt Pat cry within 5 minutes of arriving because I gave her a collection of photos of Iain & Nell that reminded me of things we've been told of his father.

We're getting over the "if only we could have met him" and moving on to trying to learn what we can about him, and getting to know the surviving family members. I'm looking at my family members with new gratitude. Appreciate the time we have together because it could have been different. Because some day we will lose each other.

[indysteel]

Wow, what a brave step for your husband and you to take. I'm so happy for you and the connections you've made.

[snapdragen]

I missed this thread when you first posted, what an amazing story. It's great that you've connected with family members, I'm sure it helps your husband immensely.

As an aside to the colon cancer screening, I had my first colonoscopy at 50, they found precancerous polyps and removed them. No other worries after that, except now I have to go in for screening every 5 years instead of 10.

[azfiddle]

That is a pretty amazing story, and it is great to hear of the new connections with his family. Thank you for sharing this.

[Bike Writer]

Yeah, I missed this thread first time around too. Reading now at this later date it's noteworthy that it started with an unhappy beginning and the ending is getting to be quite pleasant. I'm happy for your husband because his world just got bigger, well, I guess it did for both of you. But this was a missing piece for him and these new found relatives are filling in the empty spots.