I miss her

[shootingstar]

It is still difficult for me to reveal this. But I feel compelled abit especially when occasionally there are threads about depression, illness, etc. Also this is a women-centred forum, so I think lots of folks might understand:

A sister of mine committed suicide over 2 months ago. She was 1 yr. younger than I, mother of 2 adult children in their early 20's and loved by a hubby. Each of her children insisted and did deliver their euolgies on their mother which were moving. She and her hubby raised their children well, of whom we all have known well from babyhood. Sis did suffer bouts of depression which we found out later but she hid much of it from her siblings. After all, one loves a sibling unconditionally despite certain behaviour /relationship quirks, of which none were hurtful to us/her sbilings.

The surviving family is left forever helpless to explain the real reasons why she chose this end. However I don't wish to get into much detail on family, etc., since there are family members still hurting a great deal which I feel a powerful need to protect their privacy.

Since then, I have had mixed responses from close friends to the news. The best support from closest, in-person friends who have already a lost a close family member. Most surprisingly, a long-time in-person cycling friend for past 15 yrs., came forward and told me for the first time that her father committed suicide at 64. He died over 20 yrs. ago. (He suffered from depression after being imprisoned for 2 yrs. and probably subjected to some brainwashing/torture at the height of communism in China during Mao's violent reign/ revolution.) But she doesn't tell many people about it. It is not surprising to me, given the inability of family member to properly explain stuff for fear of being misunderstood. After all, friends are not psychologists.

My world did turn upside down, since after the funeral, I also moved to another city after accepting a job offer several wks. before my sister's death. The shock was great enough that I had to request delay of my start date on job by 2 wks.

For the longest while, most things looked trivial. It has changed forever perhaps, even what I write in my blogs now: I want to write stuff that counts/that makes sense to others, choose photos that are worth looking at it since Internet stuff hangs around a long time. Occasionally I even wonder about my own responses / grief to all this.

So this Christmas is thinking about the light of life in the darkness of loneliness which my sister must have felt the darkness....too much. On the day after learning the news, I started off my bike ride, crying: This one's for you, dear sis.

[ridebikeme]

Thanks for sharing your story Shootingstar! I'm sure it was very difficult and I wish you and your family lots healing time and respect.

I lost a cousin a couple of days ago to suicide, and like many, was shocked at the news. I can't seem to put into words what my heart feels like, but I do hope that over time everyone will heal and accept that this is a bigger part of our lives than we would like.


http://chasecyclery.blogspot.com

[Bike Chick]

Shootingstar, I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and your sister's family. ((((Hugs))))

[NbyNW]

So sorry for your loss.

Depression and suicide are difficult subjects, and I think it takes a lot of strength to talk about it. I suspect from some of my own family history that there may also be a cultural component that can complicate the grief process and the struggle to understand what happened. I hope you are able to find some support for what must be an unimaginably painful time.

[jelee1311]

I'm sorry for your loss thank you for having the courage to share your story. 5years ago one of my good friends commited suicide. The one thing I remember from his funeral was this amazing preacher saying feel whatever you need to feel because its never going to make sense or be okay instead of the usual God has a plan and things happen for a reason drivel. It still hurts,just not as much. Please take care of yourself. Vent,talk,cry here but talking to a professional is a good idea too. Sending you good thoughts

[lph]

Shootingstar, I am so so sorry. I know what it's like to lose a sibling, but I can only imagine how painful, and confusing, and distressing it must be to lose her to suicide. It may or may not help to think about that depression makes a person incredibly self-centered, so that she probably had no thought at all of anyone else in the family and how they might have affected this when she made her decision.

Lots of strength and peace to you.

[indysteel]

((((((Shootingstar))))). I am so sorry for your loss. How difficult this season must be for you. My parents both lost a parent to suicide, so I can appreciate your situation to some degree. If you can, try to reach out to a suicide support group and/or licensed therapist. I would imgaine that could benefit from talking to someone on a regular basis about this. Somebody who understands the unique set of feelings that a family suicide can invoke.

Peace to you and your family. I lost a friend to suicide this past February, and that was my hope for him; that he find peace from what tormented him.

[Aggie_Ama]

(((Shootingstar))) A very close family member of mine attempted suicide in front of me. My husband didn't even know about it until we had been together 12 years, my best friend only knows I saw someone try. It seems so senseless people don't know how to react, so I can only imagine the spectrum of emotions it has left you.

I struggle myself with depression and was very closed about telling people closest to me. My father and mother reacted very negatively to the diagnosis and made me feel even more odd. I wish their wasn't so much stigma to the disease. My brain works a little different but I am still a person who loves, has emotions and dreams. I am not broken, I don't know if your sister was scared people would think of her as something if she was honest. Like others had said, you will never really know and won't be able to know what might have changed the outcome.

I know here there are a lot of support groups both on the web and in person, maybe that would help? Then again it may just take time and letting the emotions be raw and unfiltered. I wish you strength for this road.

[OakLeaf]

(((((((shootingstar))))))) I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine your pain. I hope you have good memories of your sister that can comfort you as time goes on.

[Crankin]

Shootingstar, it was brave of you to talk about this here. I am really sorry for your loss; you've been given some good advice here.
If you want to talk about this more, feel free to PM me. There are a lot of emotions left over for the survivors of suicide and Nwby NW is right; there is a cultural component to this.

[redrhodie]

((((shootingstar)))) I am so sorry for your loss. It must be so hard being in a new city right now. I hope you can find peace in the new year.

[shootingstar]

Your thoughts and heart-felt advice is appreciated thus far. I now have to say...there were 6, now there are 5.

I can't imagine Aggie...

I actually posted a childhood photo of this same sister and myself on this forum over a yr. ago.

I last saw my sister alive this past June when I returned from Europe. I live in Western Canada whereas her and as well as my whole family live in Ontario.

At this time my father's prostate cancer has advanced. So the family is shifting between several different 'crises'.

If it weren't for dearie who helped me familiarize with my new city (for me), I would have been more bereft since I know no one in this city...

If I sound blithe later over time, it is because I embrace life which is why I do continue to write...on subjects I enjoy sharing with others. That as well as cycling (though not right now when it's colder) are convenient distractions. But I think of my sis nearly daily now, whereas before her death, I didn't. I have 5 other siblings...too.

A suicide survivor recently told me that in the darkness of suicidal thoughts, the person has such twisted, wrong perceptions that they are absolutely right what they are doing. This survivor had to deal with the anger (as she concurs the anger is justified) of her own family when she attempted suicide.

I will say this again as I said actually several times over the years on this forum, love your siblings if you can. They are friends for life.

[Biciclista]

I am so sorry for your loss. Suicide is a terrible thing. And I'm sorry you have to deal with it all alone in a new place.

[Catrin]

I am so sorry to read of your loss, I can't imagine the pain of losing a sibling, sending warm thoughts and comfort your way.

[Melalvai]

My youngest uncle dropped out of his PhD program and moved back home with Grandpa because of depression. Less than a month later he died of a heart attack. I heard that many in the community were hesitant to visit Grandpa because they thought it was suicide. That didn't make sense to me. Why would they be less forthcoming with their condolences??

Four years later a young cousin shot himself. I don't know if it was the difference in age (20 yrs old vs 37 yrs) but his mother had/has no shortage of condolences.

The death is difficult enough; the cultural component of suicide is an additional challenge. Seven years later, my uncle still drops in on my dreams, and his sister misses him keenly. She'll be with you a long time.