Dealing with Mid-Life Crisis

[Andrea]

Yes, they are ALL racers.

Based on my experiences with guys who race, if they're ambitions include winning and upgrading to elite ranks, then the wife/family thing rarely works without a hitch. The only way racing at that level works is with a supportive spouse... not tolerant as is more common, but one that actually wants to see her man kick a bunch of a** on the bike, and is happy to take up the slack while he's out training/racing.
Otherwise, if he's training/racing like he wants, she's going to resent it. Or, he won't train/race as much as he wants, and he'll start to resent her.

I figured this out during many a long road trip and training ride... racing is one of the things that's somewhere on my list of reasons why I'm no longer married (among other bigger issues, but it's on there for sure).

[lph]

But he really corresponded to what you're describing, Bluetree: married, recently became the father of a young child, bored with his relationship.

For some reason that word "bored" just makes me see red. Sure, you can be unhappy with a relationship, or worried, or sad or feel like you're in the wrong place, but BORED?? Bored is respectless, bored implies it's somebody else's fault, bored means you can't be bothered to make an effort. So boo-hoo.

And how is it possible to be "bored" when you have a small child? Frazzled, worked off your head, tired, sure - but bored?

Sorry, this just gets me. To me agreeing to have and raise a child is a much bigger commitment than marriage vows. I have every sympathy with parents who cannot struggle through those first tough years without trouble or even splitting up, but geez louise, give it a fighting chance and don't start moaning that you're "bored". You just brought a new life into the world, so suck it up and be responsible.

No offence meant to you, Grog!

[Irulan]

Since the beginning of time men in mid-life crisis have 'poured their souls out' to nearby lovely younger women in the hopes of attracting one for themselves. If they really want to solve their problems, they will pour their souls out to their wives and to a good therapist.

You just have to be a bit firmer with them about not being available to help them sort out their problems. Maybe you could approach it with humor and tell them it's getting to be a problem with a whole bunch of them confessing their angst to you. This might keep it light and make them laugh when they realize it's not just them.

What she said.

If these guys would put half the energy back into their relationships that they do into attempting to get emotionally intimate with others ( and that's what they are doing whether you want to call it that or not....) they'd have much better relationships.

To me it's a clear case of needing to set boundaries. You don't have to let them unload on you. There are plenty of kind ways to do a redirect.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

LPH,
I agree with you about the word 'bored'.
I tend to think that the only people who get bored are boring people.
When my children used to come to me whining about 'being bored', I would just tell them "You're bored because you're not doing anything. Get off your behind and do something interesting and you won't be bored anymore." (OMG how they used to hate it when I said that!) Then I'd suggest they go for a jog or ride their bike, phone a friend, read a book, draw or paint something, build a model of something, plant some herb seeds for the windowsill, play some music, identify and press some wildflowers, write a poem, play badminton in the yard, practice their knitting, make some cookies.......(by that time they had usually left the room).

[Flybye]

I just want to offer a different perspective here. People who are in long term marriages, even with a bazillion kids, do get bored. It is a part of life. Those who admit that they are bored instead of trying to stifle it and live feeling shamed for having normal thoughts are the ones who can find themselves in a lot of trouble. The feeling of boredom does not go away by trying to think it away or shame it away. If individuals can't express normal and honest emotions and feelings, it opens the door just a little wider to the possibility of having a discreet affair.

Healthy marriages are about honesty. Good mental health is about honest and open perspectives into feelings and thoughts.

I think that it is encouraging that others are seeking opinions about their boredom. That tells me that they are asking "am I okay?? are others experiencing the same thoughts and feelings as I am?" and most importantly, it acknowledges that they are wrestling with something that they don't feel right about.

When we can name and claim a feeling, we are more open to honestly examine and explore it. Those are the people who will most likely find something good and productive to fill that boredom void. With something other than an affair.

Developmentally speaking, if we look at adults in the age ranges 0f 35-45, adults at this stage are going through what Eric Erickson referred to as the stage of Generativity vs. Stagnation...... people in this stage of adulthood have a tendency to either become self-absorbed with personal achievements and life-style (a more stagnant approach to life) or to become more generative - individuals who seek productive work, new adventures and challenges, and setting important goals. It is a time of re-examination - a realization that the time is ripe to reach goals. There is a bit of a struggle to find the path at this stage, just as there were at other stages, such as during the grand old time of adolescents when we were struggling to find our identities in the world.

Within this framework, then, it is NORMAL that they are examining their lives, every faucet of it. Without the self exploration there will be no generativity.

Some men feel more comfortable talking to other women about issues. I would suspect that Bluetree is a good conversationalist, someone that they trust, and someone that they respect an opinion from. In this way, then, if my assumptions are correct, Bluetree is a gatekeeper of sorts to help them normalize how they are feeling and then suggest that they seek help outside of the friendship circle. If my assumptions are correct, then, I think Bluetree is doing an honorable job at being a friend and confidant.

My suggestion to them would be they see a Counselor to help them understand some of the thoughts and feelings that they are experiencing.

[lph]

I see your point, Flybye, and I agree that one should try to understand honestly the feelings one has. But to my ears there's a huge difference in the attitude between being unhappy or unsatisfied (but being able or willing to do something about it) and being bored, which implies that that's the way things are and you can't even be bothered to do something about it. I dunno, maybe I'm reading too much into that word. I have the feeling my mother went ballistic when I said I was bored as a child and it's stuck

[Tuckervill]

Boredom is an emotion, like sadness, anger, joy. It's not a flaw or a personal failing. Most emotions pass. It's the actions you take based on those emotions that matter.

Karen

[chicago]

I participate in a support group divorced/separated and otherwise relationship that has ended...

and it's full of abandoned spouses of those who were bored... it's so sad that "commitment" doesn't seem to be the priority anymore...

[Mr. Bloom]

At first, I bristled at Bleecker St Girl's perspective...

...then I read Bluetree's "Common Phrases" and thought - Oh! Oh! - that's not cool. BSG may be right (although the fact that Bluetree's BF is part of the group really, really, really makes that unlikely to me). So, it really is a crisis and people in crisis react in odd ways (I know I have...)

So I'm more with Flybye on this...but, it really just depends on the guys and the circumstances, but this is about Bluetree, not the guys, so:

Blue, you should feel total freedom to say:
- you're my buddy and I appreciate your friendship,
- I'm sorry you feel like this, but you need to address this through marriage counseling with your wife
- It's uncomfortable for me to hear these things and please respect my wishes to keep our friendship above even a hint of impropriety.

[Bluetree]

Thanks for all the (very thought-provoking) responses. They all kinda rang a bell with me on different levels. I don't think my male friends are trying to hit on me. I just think that as the only female of the group, they feel like they can talk to me instead of their macho brethren when they have an emotional issue at home.

I find it flattering that they would feel comfortably talking to me about it. No single person has crossed the line or done anything untoward. On the other hand, what makes it slightly overwhelming to me is how many of them had told me the exact same thing at one time or another.

It doesn't make me angry so much as disappointed. And I think my annoyance comes from the fact that so many of my ideals and ideas about people and their happy marriages have been a sham. It also puts a guilt burden on me because many of their wives have becomes friends of mine as well.

Developmentally speaking, if we look at adults in the age ranges 0f 35-45, adults at this stage are going through what Eric Erickson referred to as the stage of Generativity vs. Stagnation...... people in this stage of adulthood have a tendency to either become self-absorbed with personal achievements and life-style (a more stagnant approach to life) or to become more generative - individuals who seek productive work, new adventures and challenges, and setting important goals. It is a time of re-examination - a realization that the time is ripe to reach goals. There is a bit of a struggle to find the path at this stage, just as there were at other stages, such as during the grand old time of adolescents when we were struggling to find our identities in the world.

I think Flyby really hit upon it. All of this seems to be happening within a certain age range. In fact, if it wasn't so sad I'd find it rather laughable. My friends are all very good people at heart. I just hate to see them (and their SOs going through this.)

Definitely stuff to think about.

Thanks again, TE folks.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

I see your point, Flybye, and I agree that one should try to understand honestly the feelings one has. But to my ears there's a huge difference in the attitude between being unhappy or unsatisfied (but being able or willing to do something about it) and being bored, which implies that that's the way things are and you can't even be bothered to do something about it. I dunno, maybe I'm reading too much into that word. I have the feeling my mother went ballistic when I said I was bored as a child and it's stuck

Yeah, I tend to define 'boredom' the same way. I see being 'bored' in a marriage as very different from being sad or feeling empty, frustrated, unappreciated, etc. To me it implies that they think the spouse has 'failed' at being interesting to them anymore. And maybe we all define boredom slightly differently.
One thing this all made me remember however, is a little story my mother used to tell....apparently when my brother was about 2 1/2 or so, he toddled up to my mother and said glumly "Mommee, I want sum'ping!!" She said that was his way of saying he was bored and wanted 'something' but didn't know exactly what, and she thought that was cute.
Perhaps the real meaning of being bored is that you want sum'ping!
Maybe those guys just need a cookie.

[Crankin]

Flybye gave some very perceptive application of Erikson's theory. I just finished a presentation on adult development and my group focused on marriage. I looked at how attachment bonds formed as children affect marital success and attachment to a partner. I don't want to go into it all here, but needless to say, considering what a lot of people have gone through as children/teens, it is no wonder that by the time you reach 40, it starts to bubble up.
Personally, I think both men and women have unrealistic expectations about marriage and think it is going to be all perfect without a lot of hard work. People don't know how to be honest and communicate. Throw in endless hours of training, without connecting to your spouse or kids makes it worse. I think the feeling of "boredom" that the men describe is simply the fact that regular daily life does not provide the "thrill" or high that racing/training does. I know that my son who raced ALWAYS said he was bored. He went from one passion to another until he started riding. Then, when he went to college he was bored again and joined the military. It's the constant thrill seeking working here. Now, he's always seeking dangerous assignments, because even the routine tasks of his job in intelligence seem "boring."
I really think this type of personality is attracted to racing; it doesn't bode well for relationships. Of course, I've let my son know this!

[Biciclista]

Marriage isn't for everyone and it sounds like a lot of your friends shouldn't have gotten married. I believe to be a good racer it take A LOT of time and energy. but since they are fathers and husbands, they need to take care of those responsibilities FIRST. I pity their wives and their kids. They're talking to you, yes, because not only are you a woman, but you're a racer too, and you "understand"
the fact is, you don't have kids so you don't have to divide your time between your passion and your children. They look up to you because you made the right choices. Sounds like they need a kick in the butt so they can make their own good choices. Kids are only little and needy for a little while . Then they grow up. If a person can't be a good parent when their kids need them, what's the point?

[Irulan]

more thoughts - when people are unloading about their relationships, you almost never know the truth of the situation or the other side of the story. Could be - the wife is uber focused on the kids or self, neglecting the spouse. Maybe there's a substance abuse issue. Maybe there's all sorts of problems that "boredom" is masking for. Obviously, there are communication problems....

[tulip]

+1 Irulan. I was trying to think of a way to say the same thing, but you say it very well. A marriage is always two-way.

Bluetree-I would just tell them that you are not the person to unload on. If they need to talk to someone, they should explore counseling, either couples or individual. If they continue talking at you after you tell them this, I can ASSURE you that if they don't listen to you, they don't listen at home, either.

Best of luck.