on being a mom

[fastdogs]

I was 46 when I had Andy. I never wanted children- didn't like them, couldn't relate to them. I never knew anything about them or paid any attention when women would gather to talk about them- no appeal at all to me.
After a 20 year army career, and a disastrous marraige, I met someone who actually made me think about it, way back in the recesses of my mind, just a little.
I agreed to go off birth control, and if it happened, it happened. I was sure I had no maternal instincts, and my dogs were my children. Everyone said when I had kids my whole life would change, and that the dogs would be out the door.
Well, my whole life did change, for the better I think. I live and breathe for him, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. However, the dogs were NOT out the door. I continued racing them, and my husband would either watch Andy or I'd bring him along. I continued traveling out to wyoming to chase jackrabbits with the dogs, and my husband would watch Andy while I was out in the field all day, or he'd stay home and I'd travel by myself.
I had already lived in other countries and traveled around for 46 years, I guess I don't mind being tied down a bit. I kmow others who didn't change their active lifestyle with a new baby, they just incdorporate them into it. I still have a career, same one I had before, and the daycare IS expensive. I won't be having another one, I'm too old, but the only regret I have is not having him earlier in my second marraige- I NEVER regret not having him when I was in my 20s and 30s.
And maternal instincts? I have a lot to learn still about kids and babies and school and stuff, after a lifetime of ignoring all that, but the same instincts that guide me in caring for helpless animals work for babies too.
My dogs are retired now, but I recently drove to wyoming to judge a jackrabbit coursing event, and Andy and DH traveled along, and I communicated with Andy by radio while I judged and his dad amused him back at the cars for the day. After, we all took my old dogs out for a walk and let them chase a jackrabbit or two. It's even more fun now with my two guys along.
vickie

[Irulan]

It helps, I'm sure, you don't have to learn "child handling" from scratch, and may have more confidence and patience, but it's not necessary.

Here's a thought.

I did. I was confident that I did not want to raise my kids with only what I knew from the home I grew up in: dysfunction, abuse etc. I took tons of free parenting classes from various sources, and basically did learn new things, from scratch. Nothing like breaking the chain.

[Flybye]

I am not a baby lover either and never really planned to have children. I wanted a career and always thought that I would work and be successful at that. It was supposed to be difficult for me to have children. When I did find out that I was pregnant, I was working full time with my fairly new degree and loving life. I accepted a position with the agency that I had been waiting for an opening in on a Friday and took the pregnancy test on Saturday. My husband and I had just purchased our first home and got two baby dachshunds. The timing was awful.
Now, eleven years later, I have three children. I truly think that there is nothing that I have done that is as rewarding as having children. I am rewarded on a daily basis in ways richer than I can't even begin to describe. I am a better person because of the ways in which my life has changed.
I can think of no way better to contribute to the world than raising three fantastic children.
I respect women who do not have children. I think that we all have to make our own choices - I respect that. I am just glad personally, that this choice was made for me. I would hate to think of my life without my children.

[Flybye]

Here's a thought.

I did. I was confident that I did not want to raise my kids with only what I knew from the home I grew up in: dysfunction, abuse etc. I took tons of free parenting classes from various sources, and basically did learn new things, from scratch. Nothing like breaking the chain.

A big huge hug to you for breaking the chain - that is so incredible. And admriable.

[emily_in_nc]

My DH and I tried to have kids for eight years. Lots and lots of temperature taking and timing, and finally even a surgery and IVF. It worked, I became pregnant, only to have a miscarriage. Was absolutely devastated.

I thought for a full decade during the infertility struggles that my life could never be complete without a child. I was as obsessed with having a baby as I used to be about cycling. With time, I worked through it, and now, at 47, my life is great, and I'm perfectly happy without children. My DH and I have been married for 23 years and are very happy. He is early retired and I'll be able to be too (no college funds).

Yes, I do think I missed out on something that would have been amazing had I been able to become a mother, but there is so much to enjoy in life even without children. Dogs, for one.

Life is good.

[Crankin]

Everyone is different. I think I would have been fine without kids, but maybe at teeny bit of regret at the age I am now.
My only comment is that I am glad I had mine when I was young, 29 for the first. Around here you are a young mother if you have your first at 35-40! I wouldn't want to have a teen now.
Sometimes, when people come into my husband's office and see their pictures, they say, "Oh, are those your brothers?" They don't believe it when he says they are his kids, despite the fact he has some grey hair.
I too, saw the result of bad parenting when teaching, but you can overcome it, because my husband did. He knew nothing, except verbal abuse and being bought "stuff" instead of time with his parents. I always babysat, have a brother 10 years younger and 3 cousins I also took care of. My husband just watched what I did and in many ways was a better parent than me when they were younger.

[polly4711]

My parents had me at 39. They weren't sure that they wanted kids. One thing that they did to test out (and you have to have tough skin for this one) is that they became foster parents for younger children. After some time, they decided that they wanted a child, and well, Thanksgiving 1985 had me (gotta love it when your dad is on pain meds and volunteer all sorts of wonderful information).

Anyways... you still have a few years in you. Yes, money can be a factor, but you can also give your child a wonderful life at a much less cost with being creative.

Personally, my mom is glad that she had me. She has been able to give to the community while being a great mom by helping out in the class room, leading my Girl Scout troops, helping drive other kids to practices, etc.

It's a tough decision, I wish you the best. Please keep me updated.

JP

[channlluv]

I respect your feelings and your decision, but I want to share my experience, too, briefly. I'll spare you all the medical details, but I've lost five children to miscarriage. I have one - quite literally - miracle child, because a doctor listened to me and let me follow my intuition. God bless Vera Barile, wherever she is.

I never felt more goddess-like than when I was pregnant and then nursing my baby. I was never much of a baby person, either. I enjoyed kids okay, but I never went ga-ga over them. There's not a whole lot in my life I've done extremely well, but I have to say, I thoroughly enjoyed being pregnant. I really did. Feeling that little life growing inside me, it was amazing.

That opinion that it's different when it's your own...true for some, not so much for others, I guess, but man, it was true for me.

If you do get pregnant, you're in for the greatest love affair of your life.

Peace and good health to you, whatever your decision.

Roxy

[jesvetmed]

This is similar to what I've been going through for several years. I was the child of an "oops", and raised by my grandparents. They ended up adopting me. They were wonderful, but not without issues.

But overall, family hasn't been a strong suit in my life. I always loved the idea of a big family coming home on holidays, etc.. you know, the belief in the "typical American Family". But the realities that I see made that picture less believable.

At any rate, I married at 29 yrs, back to school at 28 for 4 years, new time-consuming and energy-consuming career by 32, and big student loan bills (I'm still paying them )

We kept saying we weren't ready for kids, we could have them later. I kept thinking that the desire would hit me some day. DH teaches high school. He "has 120 kids of his own" every day. He has always said if I think I want a child, say the word, but he doesn't really have the desire enough to ask me to have them.

So I think we were both waiting for the other to feel the need. So far, it hasn't happened. We are 42 and 43 now. Sure, we still could have them, but my gosh -- we'd be old when they were teenagers! And neither of us have any desire, still.

So we've come to terms with that decision, and have full lives and good friends. We have his family (my parents have both passed away), and that is enough. Many of our friends with children are hitting their empty nests as their kids are heading off to college.

Will I be sorry when I'm 50 or 60... who knows. Maybe. But for now, I am happy with the decision (or in this case -- lack of making a decision for so long )

Follow your heart in whatever you feel. It will be the right decision for YOU.