broken heart how long?

[teigyr]

Ginny, your ex-husband sounds very selfish and kind of mentally abusive. It sounds like you went through a rough time.

I agree with everyone else. When it's time, you will know it.

After my divorce, I went out with people (some more seriously than others) and there were situations where I thought it was "it". For some reason, I couldn't make the decision to go further and I'd blame it on so many things. I lived in a horrible house yet I didn't want to move...I couldn't uproot my old blind cat (seriously!), etc. After more time went by, I realized it was me and the other person wasn't right for me. Honestly, the idea of commitment didn't bother me but the idea of losing what was "mine" gave me hives. After several years of dating and finding people I liked but couldn't commit fully to, I met DH. After several months, I realized that giving up my house and combining our lives was a good thing.

As far as a broken heart goes, yeah. I had that but I also had some deep-seated anger, some fears and insecurities, and all sorts of other things that a failed marriage can bring on.

Give it time. Your ex-dh and the new boy are two different issues but you do need to be over your ex-dh. Then, you have to meet the RIGHT person New bf might be right but don't rush it. Unfortunately for new-bf, he might just be part of your healing process and you have yet to meet the right person.

As far as how long it takes to get over it goes, I've seen people who reconciled their hurt early on and can go back into relationships quickly. I think though if a divorce came suddenly and without warning (ie you weren't in control), it'll take a bit longer to go through the grieving process.

Good luck

I'm jealous of your donkey! I grew up with one when I was younger. He used to chase cars

[bluebug32]

I've been in a long distance relationship (4+ hrs. apart) for nearly 5 years. It can work and, while it can be trying at times, it can really hash out if the relationship is going somewhere or not and how committed the other person is.

Realize that it's hard to let go of things. You may be longing for the idea of living with someone like you did for 7 years, more than you're longing to be with that person again.

[DDH]

I may have missed something when I read your post, but how long have the new bf and you been together?
Okay, I just went down and re-read your post. The two of you have only known each other for approx. 6 months. You also didn't say that you were in love with this new boy. You called him a nice boy that came into your life but I didn't see any mention of love for him.

Logically speaking, I dont' think I would change my life for someone I hadn't known any longer than this or someone I didn't or couldn't say I was in love with.

I think like the other girls, that by your own post, you have talked yourself out of it by mentioning all the cons and no pros.

As far as your x is concerned, no one says there is a time limit on how long it takes to get over a divorce. Give yourself the time you need and take this time to get to know the new you without your x.

[Melalvai]

I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said, but wanted to contribute my support. I too feel better after sharing such things on here, and lots better after reading all the supportive comments validating that things really are kind of sucky. We're not antisocial, we're differently social!

To make you laugh, um, PhD Comics? It takes about 6 hours to read the archives from 1997 to current. I don't know what your career track is but if you're a university scientist you will relate. (And possibly you are one of many who have told me recently to go read them. Which I do religiously.)

[activediva]

God knows I'm the last one to follow good logical advice; I had a one night stand and then married him. 11 years later....bliss *cough* well very close to bliss.

Sounds to me like you are settling for a spark. Why not wait and dive in when you have a fire? I wouldn't make drastic changes if it meant redefining myself to fit someone else's mold. But that's just me.

Time usually heals everything and you will probably find peace and love on a different level with your ex. I think that's natural, after all, you were married. Someone special will come into your life and it will feel right, you won't have to question. And you animals will love it too!

[makbike]

Ginny,

Take care of you and your buddies. It takes time for your heart and soul to heal. Lord knows I'm still walking the road to recovery. I can honestly say with each passing day it does get better. That said, it does not mean I still don't want to walk up to my exBF and sucker punch him, lol. But the urge to do so has diminished greatly. Chrisette Michelle has a song out "The Best of Me" which talks about healing after a breakup - listen to her message. The bottom line is you have to find the best in you. If the "boy in the next town" is really your next partner he will patiently wait for you to heal and feel comfortable with the situation. Don't allow yourself to be pushed into anything. Healing is a slow possess. A good counselor, a solid group of friends and your animals will help make this journey a bit easier. Take care!

[KSH]

Gosh, what a tough situation.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. Sounds like it was rough, considering you didn't seem to have any control over it at all... ya know? Really sounds like a blind side.

Well, before I give my advice... I'll let you know where I'm coming from. So you can take my advice with a grain of salt if I'm coming from a place you don't agree with.

I too was married, for 5 years. I met my ex and within a month we were engaged. I was in love and so was he. A year later we got married. My thought was "anything for love". I quit a job that required traveling and got a new job so I could be with him (that was 3 months after he and I met). I will say that the new job was better.

Well, the marriage was a lesson in tolerance. His behavior towards me deteriorated over the years, to the point where he really didn't care how he treated me towards the end.

Honestly, who he told me he was... in those first few months... didn't match who he was in reality. He said he was motivated and had goals... yea, he barely kept a job. He said he was honest and trusthworthy and would never cheat... yep he was cheating. He acted like he was confident, when in fact it was false ego... he was jealous, possessive and down right nuts at times. I could go on, but you get my point. He wasn't really who he thought he was. In fact, the total opposite.

He asked for a divorce, I asked him if he was sure... and he was... so I told him to get out. It was the happiest day of my life.

Now days, it's my belief that love doesn't come quickly. Or rather, you don't really KNOW a person until you have seen how they behave day in and day out. They can present a pretty package to you, but that package isn't the reality. It's just who they think they are.

Only with time can you see that person for who they truly are.

With all of that said... are you willing to give up your life... a good life for a man you have only known 5 months? You said you wouldn't move it weren't for him. That tells me, it's not a good choice to make.

Sure, relationships are great... I myself have a wonderful boyfriend (of 4 years and we don't live together)... but I also understand that I am OK alone. I don't NEED a man in my life. If he were gone, I would be fine. I didn't use to think that way when I was younger, before marriage. I felt like I was missing out if I wasn't totally in love. I wanted to be married. I wanted that ring on my finger to show everyone I was taken. It was like I wasn't someone unless I had someone.

Not anymore. I'm someone if I'm with a man or not. I don't care if people look at me odd for being 35 and not married. I can almost bet they are in a miserable marriage and probably wish they had a really happy life, like me.

Look, I won't even move in with my boyfriend because I don't want my life in someone else's control again. I don't want to be sitting in an apartment I have to share with someone I broke up with or who broke up with me. I don't want to sell my stuff. I don't want to give up my life for a man. I love my life more than that. I like being happy and everything being stable.

So yea, that's where I'm coming from. You may not agree with my view on love and life... thus I laid it out there when giving my advice.

I think love can wait. Why rush? Why not date a good year or so before moving in together? 5 months is nothing. I don't think you can really know someone in 5 months. You have a good life, the divorce wasn't that long ago. Why not enjoy living by yourself? Why not enjoy dating someone? Dating is fun! I have learned that a man treats you really good when they are dating you and they know you can leave them easily if they treat you badly!

[mimitabby]

wow, KSH you got pretty wise. I'm not being sarcastic either. some of us go through an entire life without getting to where you are.

Gosh, what a tough situation.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. Sounds like it was rough, considering you didn't seem to have any control over it at all... ya know? Really sounds like a blind side.

Well, before I give my advice... I'll let you know where I'm coming from. So you can take my advice with a grain of salt if I'm coming from a place you don't agree with.

I too was married, for 5 years. I met my ex and within a month we were engaged. I was in love and so was he. A year later we got married. My thought was "anything for love". I quit a job that required traveling and got a new job so I could be with him (that was 3 months after he and I met). I will say that the new job was better.

Well, the marriage was a lesson in tolerance. His behavior towards me deteriorated over the years, to the point where he really didn't care how he treated me towards the end.

Honestly, who he told me he was... in those first few months... didn't match who he was in reality. He said he was motivated and had goals... yea, he barely kept a job. He said he was honest and trusthworthy and would never cheat... yep he was cheating. He acted like he was confident, when in fact it was false ego... he was jealous, possessive and down right nuts at times. I could go on, but you get my point. He wasn't really who he thought he was. In fact, the total opposite.

He asked for a divorce, I asked him if he was sure... and he was... so I told him to get out. It was the happiest day of my life.

Now days, it's my belief that love doesn't come quickly. Or rather, you don't really KNOW a person until you have seen how they behave day in and day out. They can present a pretty package to you, but that package isn't the reality. It's just who they think they are.

Only with time can you see that person for who they truly are.

With all of that said... are you willing to give up your life... a good life for a man you have only known 5 months? You said you wouldn't move it weren't for him. That tells me, it's not a good choice to make.

Sure, relationships are great... I myself have a wonderful boyfriend (of 4 years and we don't live together)... but I also understand that I am OK alone. I don't NEED a man in my life. If he were gone, I would be fine. I didn't use to think that way when I was younger, before marriage. I felt like I was missing out if I wasn't totally in love. I wanted to be married. I wanted that ring on my finger to show everyone I was taken. It was like I wasn't someone unless I had someone.

Not anymore. I'm someone if I'm with a man or not. I don't care if people look at me odd for being 35 and not married. I can almost bet they are in a miserable marriage and probably wish they had a really happy life, like me.

Look, I won't even move in with my boyfriend because I don't want my life in someone else's control again. I don't want to be sitting in an apartment I have to share with someone I broke up with or who broke up with me. I don't want to sell my stuff. I don't want to give up my life for a man. I love my life more than that. I like being happy and everything being stable.

So yea, that's where I'm coming from. You may not agree with my view on love and life... thus I laid it out there when giving my advice.

I think love can wait. Why rush? Why not date a good year or so before moving in together? 5 months is nothing. I don't think you can really know someone in 5 months. You have a good life, the divorce wasn't that long ago. Why not enjoy living by yourself? Why not enjoy dating someone? Dating is fun! I have learned that a man treats you really good when they are dating you and they know you can leave them easily if they treat you badly!

[KSH]

wow, KSH you got pretty wise. I'm not being sarcastic either. some of us go through an entire life without getting to where you are.

Well, thanks! You call it wise... others call it bitter.

Either way, my life is great and that's all that matters.

[mimitabby]

I'd call it bitter if you wouldn't have a boyfriend.


and too many women really believe they can't live without a partner. it takes
strength to find out that you really can.

[KnottedYet]

I've moved in once with someone after dating less than a year. It was a disaster. I will never Never NEVER do it again.
Please, be careful.

My ex was a real PITA, but now that we've been apart for a couple years, there are sweet little cards, presents, little notes with clippings from newspapers and magazines. (even presents for my son every birthday and Christmas)

Meanwhile, I can't get some of my precious belongings back. They've been "thrown away."

It's weird, it's kind of sick, it's very manipulative.

Exes are exes, make them stay that way in reality and in your mind. What you had always looks better when you're feeling lonely or insecure, recognize you're going to feel that way occaisionally, and just ride it out.

It does get easier as time goes by.