Etiquette Help

**SadieKate** · 03-31-2008, 04:49 PM

Help! What do I tell a 40-something year old that hasn't learned to look and not touch?

We recently moved into a new town where we already had friends who had moved from the old town. One of them was rarely at our old house but now frequently visits at the new. We've discovered that he picks up anything and everything to inspect it. He doesn't appear to understand that some items are fragile, or not finished appropriately to be protected from oily finger prints, or maybe not sturdy enough to be handled, or old, or valuable. . . or . . . or . . . or.

He hasn't actually climbed on anything but he'll reach onto high shelves to pick up a piece of fragile carving to look at it more closely. Being 6' tall, most shelves are within his reach. Yesterday, he rolled around on the carpeted floor of the stair landing a large carved wood owl that at least was strong enough to take the mauling but he could have simply knelt down. He's an incredibly curious guy and I do appreciate his desire for knowledge, but I was taught to look and not touch. If the homeowner picked it up and handed it to me, then and then only was it acceptable to handle it.

How do I tell a grown man to keep his friggin' hands in his pockets? I'm afraid I'm going to really let out a sharp rebuke one of these days after we finally unpack all of our art work. I need to know what to say before I give him a tongue lashing out of impatience.

One bright note is that unlike an infant he doesn't immediately put everything in his mouth!

**Brandi** · 03-31-2008, 05:02 PM

Here it is easy
"Keep your friggen hands of my stuff"!
i don't think there is any etiquette when it comes to being rude. Either that or you need to educate him on why you can't handle certain things.

**SadieKate** · 03-31-2008, 05:07 PM

Originally Posted by Brandi

"Keep your friggen hands of my stuff"!

I know, I know! But I was sort of hoping that I could keep this for Plan C if A and B fail.

I just don't know what kind of words to use that will get the idea across without being really mean -- at least until Plan C needs to be used.

**Tuckervill** · 03-31-2008, 05:14 PM

well, what I do for 2 year olds is immediately hand them something they *can* touch. If you don't want him ever to touch anything, I can see how it would be rough to even have him in the house. But surely you have art that is better experienced by feel, too?

I like to touch art, too, but I do know you shouldn't touch paintings and fragile things. Wood? I'll touch it without even thinking about it, unless I'm in a museum or something.

Oh, I know! Get a pair of cotton gloves for him to put on when he comes in! Then direct him to the things you wouldn't mind if he handled and keep your body between him and the finer things.

Karen

**bikerz** · 03-31-2008, 05:15 PM

How about subterfuge?

You could line up a conspirator, who is in on the game and won't take a rebuke personally, and have him/her reach for something in the other person's presence. Then you can say something direct and clear, with no worry about offending anyone's delicate sensibilities. And maybe this guy will hear and get it indirectly...

Or if that fails, maybe you could put some tantalizing (but not valuable) object in reach that is booby-trapped somehow, like maybe it imparts a (mild) electric shock?

**tulip** · 03-31-2008, 05:20 PM

Why are they coming over now and not before? Could you just invite them over less, or have they become good friends? Are they annoying in other ways?

You could just say something like, "I can see you have good taste in doodads, but I would prefer if you just looked at them instead of picking them up."

If he continues, then go with Brandi's excellent suggestion. Or the subterfuge, I like that one too.

EDIT: My stepfather was the director of a college. At times, people would have to wait in his office for some reason or another when he was in another office or something (he wasn't there with them), and since the college was an art school, there was inevitably cool stuff around. He had this box, like a cigar box but artsy, and if you opened it a bunch of confetti flew out, flabergasting the offender and pretty much ensuring that he or she wouldn't be tempted to touch anything else.

**SadieKate** · 03-31-2008, 05:24 PM

Ooh, I like the electric shock approach.

Yes, I like to touch wood also, but a fragile Chimayo Tree of Life with individually carved leaves and animals? Obviously delicate, soft, light colored without finish? No way would I touch something like that in someone else's house.

We have no children and very few children ever visit. Our house is filled with artwork. I'd never be able to stop moving if I had to keep my body between him and the art.

**salsabike** · 03-31-2008, 05:26 PM

Could you pick a time well before he does this next (so you're not actively irritated) and just say something like, "I really like you, and it's nice to see you more often. I'm glad you like my art and objects but I would SO appreciate it if you would look at them without handling them"? Period, that's all. I'm guessing that would do it for most folks, and it sounds like he hasn't any idea that it might be bothering you.

**tulip** · 03-31-2008, 05:28 PM

Remind him that this is VISUAL art, not TACTILE art.

He's probably ADD and just can't keep still. I bet he doesn't even realize he's doing it, but if you ask him to stop, I bet he'll make an effort.

**SadieKate** · 03-31-2008, 05:28 PM

Originally Posted by tulip

Why are they coming over now and not before? Could you just invite them over less, or have they become good friends? Are they annoying in other ways?

Because we lived 20 miles away from him in California so he came over for the most part just long enough to stage a carpool on the way to rides. Now he lives in the same town and drops by frequently, or the rides start/stop at our house.

He's a dear and has a heart of gold but his hands are just constantly touching and feeling everything.

**SadieKate** · 03-31-2008, 05:32 PM

Originally Posted by tulip

Remind him that this is VISUAL art, not TACTILE art.

That's good! I can say that with a smile and the right look the first time.

Plan B) I can remind him nicely.
Plan C) Salsa's "I'm glad you like my art and objects but I would SO appreciate it if you would look at them without handling them"?

After that, Brandi's plan with both cannons.

I like the confetti idea too. Kind of hard to cover your tracks.

**Zen** · 03-31-2008, 06:01 PM

Originally Posted by tulip

He had this box, like a cigar box but artsy, and if you opened it a bunch of confetti flew out, flabergasting the offender and pretty much ensuring that he or she wouldn't be tempted to touch anything else.

Ooooh, I think that's the best. Maybe you can find something here

**Blueberry** · 03-31-2008, 06:18 PM

Sk-

Maybe just point out when he reaches for something that handling isn't good for it? i.e. Isn't this doodad cool - the only problem with it is it's really better to look at than to touch.

Otherwise - that just sucks. I would probably want someone to say something to me, though - rather than just all of a sudden not getting invites.

CA

**jobob** · 03-31-2008, 07:28 PM

Well, look at it this way, the longer you put it off, the more potentially embarrassing it might be when you finally do say something.

so sayeth the person who still hasn't sent you the book she promised you weeks ago

**smilingcat** · 03-31-2008, 08:04 PM

Hi Sadiekate,

I too have collection of artwork. Mostly pottery pieces. When people want to pick it up, I politely tell them in matter of fact tone to please don't touch. look is okay. I also tell them that the pieces are museum quality (few are true) others are gallery quality. Ususally this leads to how much for that piece. I tell them I can't afford to replace it.

If they still want to touch it then I will raise my voice "NO. DON'T TOUCH" Worst offenders have been other potters.

Smilingcat

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