Bullying - what would you do?

[channlluv]

Hello, friends,

Quick backstory: my daughter has a friend who has been being bullied by two other girls at school. A week or so ago, one of them threatened to cut this girl with something she had in her lunchbox. This is 8th grade, btw.

The girl wrote a note to the principal, which I confirmed with him in an email. My daughter had told me about it and I wanted to make sure that her friend had actually delivered the note and not just told my daughter she had so my daughter wouldn't worry.

This morning, as I dropped off my daughter, I saw the two bully girls in front of the school. My daughter gets out of the car and has to walk past them to get to the front steps. I watched. She ignored them as best as I could tell (her back was to me), and the one ignored her, but the leader one, the mean one, literally snarled at my daughter as she walked past. I don't think my daughter saw this because the girl waited until she was past her to actually snarl, but I saw her and she did it, and then she noticed me watching her -- I was still in my car at the curb about fifteen feet away. I had my sunglasses on, but I'm sure she knew I saw her because she had a brief flash of "uh-oh" on her face, and then she made a smirky fake smile and continued talking to the other bully girl, whom I don't think even realized anything had gone on because she was talking in kind of an animated way with her hands and such.

What would you do? This girl has threatened another student (and I believe the principal has had them in his office for a discussion, maybe a warning -- I didn't follow up). She has been bullying my daughter's friend for a long time now, since last year, and my daughter has always stood by her friend and has told me that she's walked up on conversations between these girls where the bullies were provoking her friend and her just walking up and saying "What's going on?" will make them stop. She has told me that next time she sees that happening, she's going to be more direct and actually tell them to stop bullying her friend.

Maybe she's done this and hasn't told me. Maybe these girls heard she was the one who encouraged her friend to tell the principal about them. They've physically hit the girl and when I told my daughter I was concerned they'd get physical with her, too, she told me not to worry, that she knows how to disable them without hurting them. She's had seven years of martial arts and earned her black belt a year ago.

Do I tell the principle what I saw? If I don't and these bully girls do something really mean to my daughter's friend or my daughter because the principal thinks it's all handled...please advise me, those of you with more experience than I.

Fighting in school is automatic expulsion. I think for both parties, but I'm not sure.

Thanks,
Roxy

[indysteel]

Out of curiosity, have you talked to the parent(s) of your daughter's friend? It seems like they should ideally be part of the discussion about this--both with you and with the school.

[Crankin]

Call her parents. Are they not capable of handling this situation?
The best thing your daughter can do is be an ally. Research points out that this is the best way to stop bullying. Actually having a peer say, "Stop," is the most effective thing she can do.
But, this should not be only up to your daughter. The principal should be called and this should be handled ASAP. Around here, these kinds of threats are taken very seriously and the police would be called in many situations. The fact that this has gone on for months is not acceptable. Don't you work in a school? Maybe you can help the parents understand how to navigate the system.

[azfiddle]

You might want to ask for a meeting with the parents and the girls to be held at the school, possibly with a counselor or administrator present. The mean girls need to get a clear message that their behavior is unacceptable and that there are consequences.

[jyyanks]

We had a similar situation in our school (my daughter is also in 8th grade). The mother met with the principal and the guidance counselor. Since it happened on school grounds, the school had to handle. The girl was also being bullied via computer but the principal was clear that they cannot do anything about cyber bullying - its out of their jurisdiction - but they CAN handle any incidents that happen in school.

Long story short,the principal called the bullies into his office and they were given detention. The next incident will result in in-school suspension and then out of school suspension and finally expulsion. We had a serious issue in our school that was handled improperly forcing the school to come up with an anti-bullying policy and a code of conduct which every student/parent has to sign at the beginning of the year. Anyone who violates this code of conduct will be punished accordingly.

Does your school have a similar code/anti-bullying policy? Is this something you can suggest at the next board meeting? Bottom line is that bullying should not be tolerated. With all the horrible news stories about bullying, I think your school should take it very seriously. Talk to the prinicipal about the school's policy. I would advise against talking to the other parent unless you know them or unless it's with school personnel who have witnessed an incident. I have found many parents take on a defensive "not my child" attitude when confronted so it helps to have a third party.

[smittykitty]

I'm actually watching a segment on bullying on Anderson Cooper right now!

Bullying is serious stuff and educators are being taught how to deal with it (at least in my husband's school this fall). The Principal needs to be kept informed of what is going on, both in regards to your daughter and her friend. And yes, including her parents, for sure.

I was bullied for a few weeks in the 8th grade, it still haunts me today. And, of course, its mostly girls (Anderson Cooper's programs agrees).