Need support, really struggling

I haven't been around here in a while but I seem to always get support when I need it. I've been going through some difficult times and it's only getting worse. I'm seeing a counsellor this morning (finally these people figured out some people can't go to appointments during the day on weekdays). Hopefully I'll be able to get some help.

What's happening is my boyfriend lost his best friend to a short but horrible battle with cancer. It's been 5 weeks since his death and he's slipping into major depression. He battled it before and wisely started taking Prozac again(which he was supposed to all along but stopped 2 years ago). He also scheduled an appointment with his psychiatrist on Monday. So he's fighting it. The problem is he's pushing me away. I'd like to say it's temporary and he's just withdrawn, but I know that he's very close with the widow and he seems to be reaching out to her rather than me. I get this, they shared a very strong and painful experience together and she probably is the only person who understands (in his mind) the pain he's in. But I'm afraid that he is going to leave me for her. As ridiculous as that sounds, because she herself lost her husband, whom she spent 24/7 with but I know he talks and texts her every day while he essentially ignores me. She's using my boyfriend as her safety blanket (his word) because her husband used him as one during the illness (boyfriend was there day and night at the hospital, him and the widow spent a lot of time together. When the friend was taking his last breaths she only allowed my bf and the guy's daughter to be present. He even sat with them at the funeral while I was in the back with his mother).

I know that people who are grieving aren't themselves but I'm really afraid that he's going to leave me for her even though they are both basket cases. I suppose the only thing I can do right now is hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I can't sleep and I can't eat. I've already lost 7lbs and I'm down to105lbs now.

When he first got sick and was in the hospital for surgery, that's when my fears started. Again, he was at the hospital day/night. But my bf was really good at reassuring me (I didn't ask him about it, but he was attentive to me to allay my fears). He even said that when his friend passes away, he wants to move to a nearby town with me as he won't have much reason to stay there (he's actually about 2 hours away, he comes and stays with me 4 nights during the week when he works). He gave me a diamond necklace for valentine's and a card saying he's looking to another year together. Then his friend took a turn for the worse a week later and died a week after that. He's not with me right now, he's at home (at least I think so, he hasn't really spoken to me this week).

I guess all I want are kind words and virtual hugs. I'm not sure I want a barrage of "leave him first, dump him" type of posts. Thanks ladies.

You're doing the right thing. I can't predict what will happen, or tell you what to do, but this sounds like traumatic grief, more than regular grief. Use your counseling sessions to help you sort out everything.

I just wanted to say, good for you for seeking help and you will get through this regardless of the outcome. It may not seem that way right now, but hang in there!

((((((badger)))))) Do let him know that you need more from him now. Is couples counseling a possibility? I know scheduling can be tough when both parties are seeing individual therapists too... However it turns out, this isn't the time to be making big decisions. Take good care.

Badger, I'm very sorry--for everything. I'm so glad you're going to talk to a counselor. I hope he/she can help you deal with your feelings and fears. My guess is that you bf is not going to leave you for his friend's widow, but I also think it's going to be a while before he's able to fully reengage with you as he grieves and deals with his own depression. Your challenge is to take care of yourself in the meantime. Therapy will help immensely in that process, so stick with it as long as you can. Many hugs to you.

That's great, badger to see a counsellor. Hopefully you click well with the counsellor.

You deserve your own space and freedom to think, sort out stuff, if your BF continues to distance himself or even suddenly returns. (Really, did he truly recover that fast from grief?)

Hope you find ways to free yourself in your grief. (Though I also know what it means to feel the tentacles of grief for loved ones for a long time...). You deserve greater happiness and attention compared to what you are getting now, since you have been already very patient with bf.

I don't know if it's any help at all, but for maybe six months after my father's sudden death in a car accident, I reached out and related more to my siblings, my mother, and even my step-mother (my father's widow), whom I'd never been particularly close to, than to my husband. He was supportive, but he's never lost a parent so couldn't really "get it", and of course, he didn't have the depth of feelings about my father that my siblings and step-mother did. Fortunately, he was patient and allowed me to grieve in the way I needed to and to visit with, talk with, and email relentlessly the people who did feel the same way I did about my father during those first few awful months, and over time, I became more and more myself. Forever changed, of course, but more his wife again instead of my father's grieving daughter.

I hope that your boyfriend will find his way back to you in the same way -- sounds like he's still consumed with the loss of his friend and just not emotionally available to you right now. I doubt he will leave you for the widow, and I doubt she is looking for a replacement for the man she lost, but since the two of them share so many of the same raw emotions, it's not far-fetched to imagine them grieving together as they are. It shouldn't and can't last forever, though.

Based on my experience, I suggest that you not think the worst about what is going to happen. Certainly talk to your bf, but be gentle and non-demanding. It sounds like prior to his friend's illness, things were going well between the two of you, so there's no reason to think that they won't improve in time. Time is going to be the best healer and unfortunately, you're going to have to be patient even when it is difficult.

Hugs to you...I am sure this is very hard.

I think that's a very insightful perspective, Emily.

great advice Murienn.
Since I lost my husband in July, I have gotten very active on a forum for widows.

The scenario you described does happen and it almost destroyed a marriage that i know of from someone on the forum.

a Woman died, his best friend's wife and widower got too close, etc...
and now this widower had to do the right thing and get away from the woman "who was only trying to help" but it was getting physical. The widower is doing better now, but he lost two friends.

good luck.

Thank you all for your kind, supportive words. It's immensely helpful.

And thank you, Emily, for sharing your experience, it does give me some insight as to why they would reach out to each other. I certainly can't equate to anything in my life as to the magnitude of their loss, and while I had met his friend, I only spent a few hours with him so I only knew him casually.

I won't be demanding anything from my BF at this time, he's in self preservation mode and have nothing to give me. I understand and accept this. I have already told him that I'm there for him in whatever capacity and that I'm in in for the long haul. I'll just have to take care of myself and hope that he does feel better in time and reengage.

No matter what happens, I need to work on how to live with anxiety in my life so I'm glad I have this opportunity.

Thanks ladies

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Originally Posted by Biciclista

great advice Murienn.
Since I lost my husband in July, I have gotten very active on a forum for widows.

The scenario you described does happen and it almost destroyed a marriage that i know of from someone on the forum.

a Woman died, his best friend's wife and widower got too close, etc...
and now this widower had to do the right thing and get away from the woman "who was only trying to help" but it was getting physical. The widower is doing better now, but he lost two friends.

good luck.

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I'm sorry for your loss, but I hardly think your post was helpful in any way. Why play on someone's insecurities?

I didn't mean to offend you, i was just letting you know it IS possible, that this stuff CAN happen.

some people want to know things like this, so they know they are not being paranoid...it's real. it can happen. I did think I was being helpful

I am sorry.

((((Badger))) . This past summer I was going through a lot of anxiety, and meditation helped. You might find some of these guided meditations helpful.

http://health.ucsd.edu/specialties/m...ges/audio.aspx

I wish I could give you a real hug because I really feel for you. This is hard on so many levels. Please take care of yourself.

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Originally Posted by redrhodie

((((Badger))) . This past summer I was going through a lot of anxiety, and meditation helped. You might find some of these guided meditations helpful.

http://health.ucsd.edu/specialties/m...ges/audio.aspx

I wish I could give you a real hug because I really feel for you. This is hard on so many levels. Please take care of yourself.

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Thanks for the link, I tried the 20 minute scan and I woke up an hour later... I have the tools to do transcendental meditation but I haven't really done it in years, I certainly should. They say not to but I use my mantra as I'm trying to calm myself to sleep. I tried the 20 minute scan last night to do the same and I don't think I lasted 5 minutes!

Badger, it's quite normal to fall asleep when starting a meditation practice, especially the body scan. Keep at it and your body will get used to the relaxation mode without falling asleep. Unless you are using this to fall asleep... I didn't read back in the thread. I always tell my clients using these kinds of things are sort of like giving yourself an innoculation against anxiety; if you practice every day, it lowers your overall level of cortisol, noriepinephrine, etc. so you are less apt to get a huge surge of these stress hormones when you are in the moment of a stressful situation, thus decreasing the icky physical symptoms of anxiety like tingling, heart palps, and so on. But you can also use some of these things in the moment, particularly, some quick progressive muscle relaxation (tense and release) that you can even do in public if needed.

(((Badger)))
I have no wisdom to share, only hugs and support. Please take good care of yourself.

Actually, NbyNW, "Take good care of yourself" is wisdom that I echo. I have found in all my depression and grief that the best thing I can do for myself and others, IS to take care of myself and that is an active process. I hope that you and your bf find your way through this together. (((((((((Badger))))))))

I can only take care of myself at this moment, butI'm thrown back about 10 years in terms of anxiety management. I haven't felt this horrible in that period of time.

I had a good day yesterday where I got a lot accomplished. I saw a counsellor (I'll see her again more properly tomorrow, yesterday was a 30 minute free trial), got my car's spark plug changed, and had a great meeting with my friend who is going through a horrible break up and have been going through similar problems. I felt okay and hopeful.

I slept well last night but after waking up made the mistake of going online searching for partners who push you away in grief. Turns out it's not that unusual for loving partners to suddenly out of the blue break up after they lose a parent. Granted in my situation it's not a parent but the stories are similar enough to my situation that it really has put me back into a dark place. They all wondered how they could push away someone who is the closest to them, but usually it's because the one who is grieving simply doesn't have anything in them for a relationship. They may reach out to friends but they're not obligated as they are to a partner.

All I can do now is hope that he is not on that path and that somehow him taking proactive steps to halt his depression will be enough to not cut me out of his life.

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Originally Posted by badger

I slept well last night but after waking up made the mistake of going online searching for partners who push you away in grief. Turns out it's not that unusual for loving partners to suddenly out of the blue break up after they lose a parent. Granted in my situation it's not a parent but the stories are similar enough to my situation that it really has put me back into a dark place. They all wondered how they could push away someone who is the closest to them, but usually it's because the one who is grieving simply doesn't have anything in them for a relationship. They may reach out to friends but they're not obligated as they are to a partner.

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Keep in mind that most people who post about this are going to be those who have either left or been left by a partner in this situation. The ones that find their way back to each other, like I did with my DH after losing my father, aren't as likely to post since things turned out okay in the end. I never for one minute considered leaving my DH -- I needed him and never stopped loving him, even though he couldn't really relate to what I was going through, and despite the fact that I needed to share more with my family members who had a similar depth of emotion for my dad as I did, for awhile.

I'm glad the experience I shared above was helpful, badger. I am sure that breakups do occur, as Mimi posted and as you found from your online searches, but please don't think it's inevitable. Keep up with the meditation to help with the anxiety and don't give up!

I'm going to echo Emily. Four years ago next month, my younger brother committed suicide. This was my second experience with this (the first being in high school). I am in a VERY loving and supportive marriage. However, I, too, pushed my DH away during that time, and again last year when I lost my beloved grandmother. In high school, I pushed my mother away in favor of being with my BF's mother and father. Like Emily, I reached out to those around me who knew what the experience was like, who knew my brother and grandmother, who could relate to ME directly. I still grieve, even today, even one, four and twenty-six years later. But, I always return to the love and support of my DH.

I have also seen firsthand what these losses have done to my parents, and to the parents of my high school boyfriend. Both have stayed together, and in at least one case, despite some major difficulties in the first months/year following the loss. It is NOT an inevitable fact that your BF will leave you. Like others have said, I believe that he is reaching out to the widow because of their shared connection, trying to keep memories alive.

Five weeks is not a long time in the grieving process, either for you or your BF. Continue to take care of yourself. Continue to go to counselling. Continue to spend time with your friends, and continue to trust in what sounds like a good relationship with your BF.

Hugs to you.

SheFly

Well, the topic of antidepressants came up during the initial session on Saturday. I've had anxiety pretty much my whole life (since about the age of six if you can believe it). I've gone through a lot of cognitive behavioural therapy as well as other forms in the past 20 years but never took drugs and was proud of that. However, this particular therapist did suggest that sometimes it's beneficial to take something that will be ale to open a pathway into utilizing CBT more effectively if the low grade depression or anxiety weren't so prominent.

I wasn't going to because I didn't like all the horror stories of the side effects, but I'm going to give it a try because I've always been negative, "the glass is half empty" type of person and I'm sure it's no coincidence that people at work think I'm this miserable, cranky person. I've always avoided situations, people, and activities because I'm always afraid (afraid of everything). What if I've been blind all my life, getting by just feeling around when I can open my eyes and see?

Regardless of what happens with my bf, I need to work on being happy, and I can't say I have ever been (in life). So I am going to try this drug and see if it will make a difference.

As for my bf, I got a text from him this morning when I wasn't expecting to and was very encouraged but then he later texted to say he will decide tomorrow morning if he will take some sick days or come in. Sometimes I wish time will just fly by because sometimes a day just takes too long to pass.

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Originally Posted by badger

..... I've always been negative, "the glass is half empty" type of person and I'm sure it's no coincidence that people at work think I'm this miserable, cranky person. I've always avoided situations, people, and activities because I'm always afraid (afraid of everything). What if I've been blind all my life, getting by just feeling around when I can open my eyes and see?

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Really sorry for your struggles, this sounds like a difficult situation for you and your BF. I hope the counseling and anti depressants help. I don't have anxiety, but do have the low grade depression and have felt the fear you mention...fear of rejection, fear of criticism, fear of failing....so I just don't try things, don't talk to new people, etc. Things came to a head last year, and I finally went to a pysch. I didn't want to take anything either ,but I knew I needed help. I've been on Welbutrin for a year, and have been doing better. I've had only very minor side effects, but nothing to make me consider stopping. I hope you have success with both the counseling and medication. Good for you for seeking support for yourself....that is really hard to do sometimes.

Just (((((Hugs))))) that's all. I have nothing to add that hasn't already been said.

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Originally Posted by badger

Regardless of what happens with my bf, I need to work on being happy

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This statement sounds like you are making progress with counseling. Sometimes facing our worst fear and asking ourselves the unimaginable question can lift a burden from us. This sounds like oversimplification and stating the obvious but it's the fear that makes us afraid and anxious. When you face that fear square on, imagine the worst possible outcome then you have already removed a fair amount of anxiety and fear. What we fear most is the unknown. What will happen? What will I be? How will I go on? All legitimate questions and fears, but staring them down makes them less big and scary. Sounds like your counselor has you focusing on you - good counseling.

It can be a scary world out there, I hope everything works out for your very best and that happiness and serenity is around the corner for you.

Badger, I think you're taking some very positive steps in the right direction. As for meds, please do not feel like a failure, embarrassed or ashamed that you have decided to try them. Would you feel the same way if, for instance, you had to take a drug for allergies, a sluggish thyroid or for high blood pressure? Depression and anxiety is no different from any other disease that can be managed or better managed with medication. As for the side effects, just be sure to talk to your therapist/doctor about any you experience and about whether the drug is actually making you feel better. From what I undertand, it often takes some trial and error to find the right script and the right doseage.

If you're willing to share, how consistently have you been in conventional therapy? I'm a big believer in CBT and I've seen a therapist myself for over ten years. During on of my first visits with my therapist, she told me that in her experience, it takes 3-5 years of regular CBT to consistently feel better. Now that seemed like a long time at the outset, but in the end, the time (and financial) investment has been well worth it. Her prediction was right; I started to see significant gains at about the 3 year mark and felt mostly "healed" (if that's possible) by year five. I've mostly stuck with it since then because I actually enjoy my appointments with her, and I've had some big life changes over the past few years. I think I could stop though with no ill effect. I'd add that one of the things that coincided with feeling tons better was the start of my yoga practice. I have no concrete idea of why it helped so much, but it did. It just makes me feel more at peace with myself. I know Crankin recommends it to some of her patients; perhaps she can better explain why.

I bring that up to encourage you to stick with CBT over the long haul if you can afford it. It takes time to reinforce new thoughts patterns ans ways of dealing our stressors. I wish you the best in this journey. There is must to be gained from simply taking these first big steps toward emotional wellness.

To answer your question, Indy, there are a couple of reasons I recommend yoga to treat both anxiety and depression. The first reason is that yoga works on calming the physical manifestations of anxiety by decreasing neurotransmitters that raise your anxiety. Recent research done here at BU shows that yoga actually can do the same thing as some of the medications that are prescribed. The other reason is that yoga is actually a system of psychology in the Eastern tradition. Here, we see it more as exercise; we hold feelings and memories in the physical body and yoga can release these feelings. This is why you might cry in a yoga session or why you feel better. It's also why there is a lot of work being done with vets to treat trauma, using yoga. One of my goals is to become a certified yoga therapist.

I'm really sorry for what you are going through Badger. I really have no thoughts about what to do to help you. I think the counselor is really a good thing; - it can help you deal with the grief from the loss of your friend as well as whatever is going on with your husband. You can try to be supportive but you cannot make your hubby do the right things right now. He is dealing with his grief the only way he knows how to also. I would hope that you could tell him how devastated you are about how distant he is and ask him to try to see a counselor as well. Again, I'm not sure what solution there is because grief is a different for everyone. I am just hopeful that you will figure a way to get through this

spokewench

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Originally Posted by Crankin

To answer your question, Indy, there are a couple of reasons I recommend yoga to treat both anxiety and depression. The first reason is that yoga works on calming the physical manifestations of anxiety by decreasing neurotransmitters that raise your anxiety. Recent research done here at BU shows that yoga actually can do the same thing as some of the medications that are prescribed. The other reason is that yoga is actually a system of psychology in the Eastern tradition. Here, we see it more as exercise; we hold feelings and memories in the physical body and yoga can release these feelings. This is why you might cry in a yoga session or why you feel better. It's also why there is a lot of work being done with vets to treat trauma, using yoga. One of my goals is to become a certified yoga therapist.

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Thank you for that explanation; it certainly mirrors what I've experienced in yoga, especially during the first year or so of my practice.

When I first started my practice in 2006, I was going through a difficult relationship/breakup and I admittedly cried during a lot of my classes because many of my emotions were pretty close to the surface. At the time, I had a teacher who offered a reading at the end of class. It might be a passage from Rumi, for instance; I wasn't always sure of the source material. A lot of what she shared had to do with self acceptance and self love. The passages often resonated in a way that prompted tears on my end. There was also a lot of things we did during class that offered a very tangible sense of release and that, too, often prompted an emotional reaction in me.

With or without tears, I often left class feeling less burdened and more joyful. I also started to feel a growing sense of gratitude for the various experiences--both in the present and in the past--that I'd had in my life and a growing trust that I could cope with whatever came my way. Yoga helped me tie together a lot of the things that I'd been working on in CBT for a long time.I've never spent much time trying to understand why it did what it did. I just know that I loved it and still do. On it's more superficial level, it offers a weekly dose of stress relief, but I truly believe there wa more to it than that.

I have been married for 28 years, and I can tell you in all that time that I have learned that *its not always about you*. You are interpreting your boyfriends withdrawing from you emotionally to mean there is a problem with you and your relationship with him, but the most likely thing is that he is just dealing with his own grief in the best way he can. I think you are doing all the right things, getting counseling, seeing that he gets counseling and medication, but beyond that, I think you just need to disengage a bit from this emotionally yourself, give him the space he needs to heal right now, and don't stress yourself out by assuming the worst. Whenever I have had to go through stressful events in my life, I have always gotten a lot of relief from physical activity, so even simple things like riding your bike can help to keep your brain chemistry in check. I am sorry that you are going through this, but just try be calm, and only worry about your boyfriend leaving you if he says that is his intention.

My whole life I also have tended towards being an anxious person so I empathize. For a period of time I took an antidepressant which helps for generalized anxiety disorder. It helped. Keep in mind most of them take a few weeks to start working. After I retired and had less stresses in my life I gradually stopped taking them. I still once in a while take a Xanax (immediate acting tranquilizer). I don't tend towards addictive use of drugs so the Xanax works for me. I figure my brain chemistry is a bit out of whack so if chemicals can help me I am willing to try. Just like my blood pressure is high and I need drugs to help with that. It seems like the best medicine has to offer right now is trying both the drugs and the cognitive therapy. Use of meditation and yoga may make sense too. For me, meditation never worked as I have an odd problem of relaxation induced anxiety. Movement like yoga, or dance or even biking is more helpful to me.

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Originally Posted by Crankin

To answer your question, Indy, there are a couple of reasons I recommend yoga to treat both anxiety and depression. The first reason is that yoga works on calming the physical manifestations of anxiety by decreasing neurotransmitters that raise your anxiety. Recent research done here at BU shows that yoga actually can do the same thing as some of the medications that are prescribed. The other reason is that yoga is actually a system of psychology in the Eastern tradition. Here, we see it more as exercise; we hold feelings and memories in the physical body and yoga can release these feelings. This is why you might cry in a yoga session or why you feel better. It's also why there is a lot of work being done with vets to treat trauma, using yoga. One of my goals is to become a certified yoga therapist.

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is there a particular type of yoga that is recommended? I've tried this and that over the years but never got into it mostly because they're so expensive. Is there any study or something documenting it's better to do it in a class with other people, or can you do it at home? I do have a couple of yoga dvds.

See if you can maybe find a studio that has one or two classes a week that are donation-based. It's not uncommon. I would recommend either Anusara or Iyengar because of their focus on alignment. Any practice that overlooks the foundation is inviting injury, and I include everything in that, not just yoga - ordinary American-style strength training, CrossFit, Pilates, etc. Anusara might serve your particular needs best because of their emphasis on opening the heart.

As far as the energetic aspects, I'm a big believer (and have tons of experience) in collective energy, so from that point of view I prefer a class. But if you get a really good teacher to show you the basics four or five times so you really have a sense of what to do, then there's nothing wrong with practicing at home, since you can keep your teacher's alignment cues in your head regardless of what the DVD is telling you to do - and then it's whatever works best for you on an emotional and energetic level. For some people it's easier to tune out distractions when they're alone.

I would recommend a class first, to learn the basics and have someone monitor you as Oakleaf says. I like simple hatha yoga (Kripalu style), but I am not an expert in the different traditions.
Of course, I did it the opposite way, but at that time, I was doing yoga mostly as a flexibility complement for cycling. When I went to a class, I knew the basic poses from the DVD I had, and the instructors at my former gym were really good. However, when you are doing yoga more as a calming strategy, I think having supervision is even more important. You might not want to be alone if it brings up a lot of feelings. Even if it's not specifically a yoga therapy class, it's good to have the support of the instructor if things get overwhelming. They are used to this.

Badger, a lot of studios offer a reduced fee community class. I go to one myself that costs $5. You might check around. At least in my area, most studios don't focus on any particular type of yoga. Most classes are billed simply as hatha or vinyasa. My main studio offers a few Anusara classes each week, but everything else is pretty eclectic in terms of style. I would love to try some Kripalu classes, because I think it incorporates what I'd like to get out of my practice. But it ultimately comes down to the teacher. Some are better than others at teaching and leading a class, and some give off vibes I find more appealing than others. I tend to think you might gain something emotionally from practicing in a class setting, too.

Pedaling is my Prozac. Ironically the shrink I've seen in the past is a cyclists as well. She said that many times while she is riding she works out her own problems, or comes up with answers for her clients. That was kinda nice to hear.

The biggest and first thing she taught me was that I could not control/change another person. I was only in charge of myself. That is so simple, yet so huge, once you really get that.

Can't add much more than what's already been said, other than know your struggles are felt, and hope you continue to make progress (((hugs))).

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Originally Posted by Miranda

The biggest and first thing she taught me was that I could not control/change another person. I was only in charge of myself. That is so simple, yet so huge, once you really get that.

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So true, and so important to remember!

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Originally Posted by indysteel

If you're willing to share, how consistently have you been in conventional therapy? I'm a big believer in CBT and I've seen a therapist myself for over ten years. During on of my first visits with my therapist, she told me that in her experience, it takes 3-5 years of regular CBT to consistently feel better. Now that seemed like a long time at the outset, but in the end, the time (and financial) investment has been well worth it. Her prediction was right; I started to see significant gains at about the 3 year mark and felt mostly "healed" (if that's possible) by year five. I've mostly stuck with it since then because I actually enjoy my appointments with her, and I've had some big life changes over the past few years. I think I could stop though with no ill effect. I'd add that one of the things that coincided with feeling tons better was the start of my yoga practice. I have no concrete idea of why it helped so much, but it did. It just makes me feel more at peace with myself. I know Crankin recommends it to some of her patients; perhaps she can better explain why.

I bring that up to encourage you to stick with CBT over the long haul if you can afford it. It takes time to reinforce new thoughts patterns ans ways of dealing our stressors. I wish you the best in this journey. There is must to be gained from simply taking these first big steps toward emotional wellness.

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I must admit that I have not been consistent. My first foray into therapy was after I hit rock bottom with my out-of-control panic and anxiety. I went to see a psychologist and he used hypnotherapy (didn't feel much like anything), and EMDR. He may have done some CBT, but to be honest I don't remember a whole heck of a lot because that was 17 years ago. I had 10 sessions (which I paid out of my pocket and he was expen$ive) and he released me. Initially it didn't feel like therapy did anything, and to be honest I don't know how much it has, but I did feel better after a few years. Around that time I took an anxiety clinic where we did full-on CBT but again, I probably didn't retain a whole lot other than my becoming an abdominal breather. I've gone for counseling every now and again after that, but more sporadic as I only get $500 through my insurance for counseling and that amount really doesn't go far.

I guess when things are "okay", I get complacent and not be mindful of the things I've learned and usually when it becomes a crisis that's when I look for help. This will be my first go with meds, and I'm still hesitant but I owe it to myself to see if I am actually capable of being happy. My guess is I'm on such a super low-dose that it won't make any difference until I up it to what I was prescribed, but a friend who is on it told me some unfavourable experiences like not being able to cry, or feeling like there is a ceiling to your emotions. Anyways, we'll see.

As for my bf, he's come back to town yesterday, and while he's still very withdrawn, he's done a couple of things to give me some hope. I still struggle with catastrophic thinking, even when I tell myself I don't know, and to not predict the future that I can't possibly tell. That is what I really need to work on, my thought process, because I always jump to the worst conclusion. The root of all this is I inherently think I'm unlovable and unwanted. I REALLY need to work on that because I know it's not true (funny how the head knows but the heart doesn't believe it).

The root of all this is I inherently think I'm unlovable and unwanted.

I feel this way about myself too. I recently heard a quote in a movie "We accept the love we think we deserve." And I just broke down in tears, because I thought, that is why I ahve no love in my life...because I don't think I deserve it...

WOrking on changing that thinking....but man it's hard.

I felt unloved and unloveable for most of my life. As trite as it sounds, it took learning and choosing to love myself and to trust that that was enough to finally feel loved. I found my husband not long after that, but as much as I love him and he loves me, my stronger and more resilient sense of self love is what changed my life the most.

Of course getting to that point took a lot of work. I had a lot of thought patterns to change and I had to practice some detachment from my feelings to get enough mental and emotional space to do that. That's why I think a lengthy course of CBT is important.