Responding to invitations

Out ouf curiosity, how long does it take you to respond to invitations?

Yes, no, maybe, I'll get back to you....

I tend to respond as soon as I get one, whether for a more formal-ish situation like a party where the giver has to know numbers, or even for a less formal one, like if someone shoots me a line on Facebook and invites me to a movie or the mall or something. Even if I'm not sure, I at least say that so they know that I acknowledge the fact that they communicated with me about it.

Because of that, it sends me nearly postal when people don't respond to my invitations to go for a ride or get together for lunch. I'd rather have an "I'm not sure yet" than nothing at all so I can plan my time. And I no longer plan parties. The last time I did, ten more people than I made reservations for showed up at a restaurant. None of them responded to my evite so I didn't think they were coming.

Am I alone in this? Didn't people's mothers teach them what RSVP means?

Depending upon how far in advance the invitation has been issued, I either respond purt darned quick or within, say, 72 hours (for events that are more than 10 days away).

I know what you mean about the lack of R.S.V.P. skills! I used to entertain and organize events a lot more than I do nowadays. It's not so much that people are slow to respond to invites as it is that they take them sooooo casually, renegging at the last minute because "they just don't feel like going out tonight" or "got another offer."

My experience is that there's an age aspect to the attitude. I find that people in my age group (early 50s) and younger often treat invitations to an event as "optional" -- to be taken up if the mood is right, or casually dismissed if "something better comes along." In contrast, my older friends are sticklers for RSVPing and following through.

I couldn't imagine calling someone up a day or week after blowing off a party with the excuse that I just didn't feel like making the effort to show up! Or that I got a better offer! And yet I've heard those excuses offered up without the least bit of self-consciousness. Yikes! If someone does that twice to me, I cross them off my list and don't worry about 'em. We all have times when we don't "feel" like doing something, but if you've given your word, you go anyway, because someone else is counting on you. :)

Something else I've noticed that also seems to be age-related, at least to a degree: thank you's. When I have a mixed age group over to my house for a party, I receive simple, quick thank-you's via e-mail or phone within 48 hours from EVERYONE over 50 and NO ONE under 50. And we're talking about folks who are professionals 9 to 5, who ought to have a clue about basic social graces.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I think offering a simple "thank you" never goes out of style!:)

This is one of my hot button topics!!

I think the guest (or potential guest) OWES the host the courtesy of a reply. I generally offer a prompt reply of yes, no, or maybe right away. Then I follow up the "maybe" with a yes or no as soon as I can.

When I plan events, I normally request "Please RSVP by July 6” but that doesn't always work. I then contact the non-responders a few days after the RSVP due date.

It is one thing if we are planning on going somewhere... But I have had events at my house and I need to have a pretty close head count to plan LOTS of details!

It is just rude to RSVP yes, then not attend or vice versa!

This absolutely drives me bonkers.
Both of my kids were drilled to write thank you notes immediately, as was I. DS #1 had 50 guests at his Bar Mitzvah. DS#2 wasn't so lucky; there were 100 guests and notes to write at his! They wrote those suckers for 2 months until they were done. :) DS #1 became his HS class secretary based on his speech that talked about how his mother drilled him to write thank you notes, thus, he was qualified to be the secretary. Ten years later, he is organizing the class reunion because of all of this "social grace" training.
Thirty years ago, when DH and I bought our first house, we invited about 20 people for a house warming. It was scheduled for 7. At 8:00, when no one had showed, we were about to leave and go to the movies. People started showing up at 8:30, and almost everyone came. This was not billed as an open house. It was a party, with a definite starting time. We almost dumped the food out and left.

This is a huge problem for us. Always infuriating. Nothing to be done about it, except calling people.

It's a problem for big parties, and a problem for small stuff. I just tried to arrange something with a woman who has been saying for months she wants to get together. Result is nada. Just let it go.

Not worth becoming one of those people who carp about trivia.

I try to respond with in 24 hours in some way (be it a phone call, email, or regular mail).

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Originally Posted by KathiCville

Depending upon how far in advance the invitation has been issued, I either respond purt darned quick or within, say, 72 hours (for events that are more than 10 days away).

I know what you mean about the lack of R.S.V.P. skills! I used to entertain and organize events a lot more than I do nowadays. It's not so much that people are slow to respond to invites as it is that they take them sooooo casually, renegging at the last minute because "they just don't feel like going out tonight" or "got another offer."

My experience is that there's an age aspect to the attitude. I find that people in my age group (early 50s) and younger often treat invitations to an event as "optional" -- to be taken up if the mood is right, or casually dismissed if "something better comes along." In contrast, my older friends are sticklers for RSVPing and following through.

I couldn't imagine calling someone up a day or week after blowing off a party with the excuse that I just didn't feel like making the effort to show up! Or that I got a better offer! And yet I've heard those excuses offered up without the least bit of self-consciousness. Yikes! If someone does that twice to me, I cross them off my list and don't worry about 'em. We all have times when we don't "feel" like doing something, but if you've given your word, you go anyway, because someone else is counting on you. :)

Something else I've noticed that also seems to be age-related, at least to a degree: thank you's. When I have a mixed age group over to my house for a party, I receive simple, quick thank-you's via e-mail or phone within 48 hours from EVERYONE over 50 and NO ONE under 50. And we're talking about folks who are professionals 9 to 5, who ought to have a clue about basic social graces.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I think offering a simple "thank you" never goes out of style!:)

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Agreed, totally.

Generally speaking my style of responding to RVSP has been:

*If it was a personal invitation from someone I knew face-to-face or virtually through several months of dialogue with person online, I would RVSP several days well before the event or sooner.

*If it was a bigger event of which I'm just a paying member (association, large cycling group, etc.), I don't RVSP. I'm just another face and hosts don't know me. It does help to embed an RVSP button or email address for person to respond.

*If it was an event where I was expected to bring some food or gift as a guest, I would respond either way to RVSP.

*When I come as a guest I usually come on start time or within the lst hr. if it's a much bigger group. I always feel abit wierd coming this "early" since alot of people are fashionably late.


Thanking hosts: If it's an informal party, I thank the guest right there at the event, for whatever they brought. If guests bring a gift for me, I usually have cooked a lots of food for them. Afterwards, I would send/email them photos of event, with them in it....since I enjoy recording such events. :) In lieu (of postal letters which I seldom do now), I do send them a longer email..

Did I tick off anyone here? :confused:

As a host, I appreciate anyone telling me that they'll be late and provide me an approximate time when they'll be there. If there will be no food left , I tell them that..in advance. :p:rolleyes:

I'm definitely the over 50 crowd. It is just impolite not to respond to an invite. Either say yes or no! As for the start time, Crankin, I'm with you on this. My ex and I used to have blow outs cause when the invite says 8:00PM, I would want to show up at 8:00PM not 8:30PM, not 8:45PM or even 9:00PM. Then I learned that here in US it was typical for people to show up "fashionably late" by about 30 minutes. This drives me nuts!! It also drove my German friends nuts too.

Is it a cultural thing to be "fashionably late" (30minutes?)

My response was to that of a personal invitation or to something like a wedding or whatever. However, I love when I get RSVP stuff for class reunion type things that show up like 2 days before the event. I don't bother responding to those because by the time they get that I won't be there the event will be over. I just love those. I live 12 hrs from where I went to high school. If you really want me to show up make sure I have more than 48 hrs to know about the event.

Don't you hate it that if you send out invites (for example a wedding) with an RSVP contact person when you end up having to phone people and they say

"I told your mother/aunt/brother/whoever I was coming. Did they not tell you?"

There's an RSVP contact person's name on the invite for a reason people!

Oh and the next worse. People who see someone else's invite and decide to come too, even when they are not invited. Happened to me when MIL's friends decided to come to my tropical island wedding. Nice.

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Oh and the next worse. People who see someone else's invite and decide to come too, even when they are not invited. Happened to me when MIL's friends decided to come to my tropical island wedding. Nice.

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This has not happened yet for any get-together or major event in my extended family/among my good friends.

I'm not sure, but if it is a cross-cultural event where clearly some people do not speak English, the events I've been involved, really require special observation of manners. Follow it strictly under those circumstances, RVSP , being on time, etc.

For certain. You could truly insult/frustrate/even anger some people for being taken for granted as an uninvited guest or coming off as slightly arrogant.

I'm in the 30s crowd. I respond to RSVPs because I hate it, hate it, hate it when I don't know how many people to cook for! And no matter how tired I am, if I said I would be at the party I had RSVP'd to, I go - even if it means I won't be there long - I'll stay a respectable amout of time so as not to be rude, thank the host/ess and go.

Lucky for me, most of my friends are over 50. Actually... most are over 60. Since moving out here, we haven't made any friends our age. We've tried...

I respond depending on the type of invitation. If it's something informal and my showing up on time doesn't change the other person's plans ("Do you want to join us for lunch on Wednesday? A few of us are going to be at the coffee shop at noon.) then I may give a noncommital answer.

If the get together has to leave at a certain time I'll give a more definite answer as soon as I can.

Formal invitations get formal RSVPs as soon as I can. Sometimes that may take a bit of time depending on my work schedule.

I NEVER do the "fashionably late" thing. I think that's disrespectful to the host. If the invitation says 8pm I'm there at 8:05.

I'm on the terrible end. If it's a definite "no", I respond right away, I know when I can't make it. But, I have a terrible time figuring out if I can, so I often don't respond in a timely manner at all. Google Calendar has helped me a great deal.
Guess I need to work on that!

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Originally Posted by roadie gal

I respond depending on the type of invitation. If it's something informal and my showing up on time doesn't change the other person's plans ("Do you want to join us for lunch on Wednesday? A few of us are going to be at the coffee shop at noon.) then I may give a noncommital answer.

I NEVER do the "fashionably late" thing. I think that's disrespectful to the host. If the invitation says 8pm I'm there at 8:05.

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But at least you respond. Even a noncommital answer is better than none. If I invited you to go to lunch on Wednesday and you said maybe, I'd hold the day open. If you said no, I might make other plans. If I didn't know either way, I'm holding valuable time open just waiting for you...that's my real pet peeve.

The late thing is another issue for me. I was brought up to not keep people waiting. If we are meeting at 8:00, I'm there at 7:50. I allow for traffic, unexpected delays, etc and generally end up earlier than I want to be. I used to go out with a guy who was chronically late. Every time we'd make plans, he'd end up texting me to tell me he was running late. The last straw was when he almost made us miss a flight, because in his words, "we're checked in. They won't leave until we're on board." At that point I knew EXACTLY the personality I was dealing with and that we'd never meld.

It all just goes to being courteous to other people

I was also taught that showing up habitually late means you value your time more than the other person's. What makes you more valuable than them?! It's definitely inconsiderate IMO.

while I hate it when I plan for a party and I get "oh, I'm busy that day", "yeah, I'm doing something else" and end up scrapping because everyone's "too busy", I'm one of the bad ones for being lax in replying to invites.

However, I don't ever NOT reply and then just show up. I'll let the host know one way or the other before the event, but it could be a fairly short notice unless I know for sure that I can attend.

I'm also bad for not thanking people right away. I mean to, but I seem to just be super lazy/postpone/avoid and not end up doing it for several days/weeks.

Smiling Cat, there is no such thing as "fashionably late." Some people just have really bad time management and organization skills. Being late shows disrespect in my book. DH once told our pediatrician that he was going to charge him X amount for the time he sat in the waiting room, hours, with no one telling him that they were running late, or a phone call to tell him not to bring the kid in on time. Believe me, the lateness stopped right then. I understand medical emergencies, but geez, just communicate.
DS 1 married a habitually late person. After they were extremely late to a Passover seder at our friends' house and to DS 2's rehearsal dinner, we told him to read her the riot act. We know it is not him! So, now, he tells her an earlier time... and she is improving; she just was never taught that this is important. Her parents were almost called into social services for not getting her to school on time :(. No wonder she needs some guidance on this.

I don't necessarily mind people being late -- if it's a big party, that is fine. For a smaller dinner party, a little lateness is okay, but a long delay would be troublesome. It's normal for people to have drinks and chat before dinner, so 15 minutes or so doesn't matter.

Same for meeting at a restaurant -- it really isn't possible to be precisely on time, so someone is going to end up waiting. A short delay is fine.

What I truly dislike is people who come early for dinner at my house -- yes, it happens. Sometimes they are going to "help" but neglected to tell me (sign of a busybody, if you ask me). We had one friend who was as much as an hour early on a regular basis.

Arriving exactly on time is really impossible, with traffic delays and weekend subways being quirky. Fifteen minutes late is better than 15 minutes early. I did have one extremely polite and punctual friend who would arrive early and wait in the lobby until the appointed time.

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Originally Posted by PamNY

Arriving exactly on time is really impossible, with traffic delays and weekend subways being quirky. Fifteen minutes late is better than 15 minutes early. I did have one extremely polite and punctual friend who would arrive early and wait in the lobby until the appointed time.

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An hour early is insane. No one is ever ready for guests an hour early. :eek:

With invitations, if I know I can't make it, I'll say so. It depends on how far out the event is for a "yes". If it's on Saturday, I can give you an answer. If it's next month...not so much. I'll say something like "I should be able to make it, but I'll let you know otherwise", and try to remember to give them a definitive "yes" closer in.

Jen12, I was brought up the same way. Be a little early. For stuff with friends, I'd rather be a little bit late. In my group of friends, it's understood that 8:00 generally means 8:10 or 8;15.

I always allow 15 minutes extra to go anywhere, more if it involves a high traffic area, and if I feel I have arrived somewhere too early, I wait in my car or go get a coffee.
I really don't think even a little lateness is OK, except in the case of a big party, where it doesn't matter in a sea of 50+ people. If people came "a little late" to my house for dinner, I would be pissed. Yes, we have appetizers and drinks, and that is part of the dinner.
I know a couple who are so habitually late, everyone in my social circle stopped being friends with them. They once arrived 1.5 hours late for a pot luck dinner I had, when they were bringing a main dish... they also picked up DS #1 about 45 minutes late for a babysitting job, which had necessitated him in changing plans to be home at the time they said they would be there.
Being on time and writing thank you notes are just part of having manners, something we are sorely lacking (not this group in particular!). I know this puts me squarely in the 50+ group, but of course, I think things were better before the advent of so much technology and when people got dressed up.

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Originally Posted by Rebekah H

An hour early is insane. No one is ever ready for guests an hour early. :eek:

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I would flip. Out. Totally. The last hour before people show is usually CHAOS. I'm probably not dressed yet, or haven't put makeup on, or am frantically vacuuming or upset that something isn't perfect. Hardly the way to start anything off!

I hate being late. DH thinks i am crazy to be angry every time he makes us late for something - and yes, we were 30 minutes late to Thanksgiving once, and we were bringing the rolls and a main dish! He shrugs it off and says everything starts just fine without us - "we get there when we get there."

I was raised to arrive on time - leave home early, and drive around the block or sit in the car until it's time to go in.