Living a good enough life: being more comfortable with achievements

Would you agree, not always exhorting yourself to be the best, etc.etc. in life?

Here is a different take on life and life's achievements:

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The solution is not about lowering standards, he says. It’s about adjusting the way we think. “High standards are very different from wanting or expecting the best all the time,” he says.

And the same is true for how we should think about our personal accomplishments. “Having very high standards of achievement – working hard, persevering, not being satisfied with what is merely acceptable – no doubt spurs people to achieve things that they would otherwise not achieve,” Prof. Schwartz says. “But there’s a crucial difference between shooting for perfection, realizing you can’t achieve it and yet still being satisfied with your accomplishments and shooting for perfection, thinking you can and should achieve it and thereby living a life of misery and perpetual disappointment.”

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I can't see that type of laid back approach could be for everything in one's life -but for me, it's only pushing the best of myself only for certain areas of my life.

The rest I just let others do their thing.
I just go bike and go home.

That's a great point. One thing that I've always been good at is gauging my happiness to stress ratio. I hold myself to high standards but only so far as working toward these standards will bring me happiness. Once I feel stress, or misery, I start to reflect on how best to change things to bring my life back into balance.

I have learned that things only have to perfect for me really. And what I see as not perfect some people do. I agree Reesha about the stress part. If I start feeling to much stress I back off.
I had a dad that made me once (or twice) scrub a walkway and a wall and said I had to get it clean enough to eat off of. Actually everything he had me do had to be perfect. even though I never came close and always disappointed him. But lucky for me as an adult and finally figuring it out. He was wrong and I am perfect in my own perfect way! Which is not perfect but I am way happy with that!
Does that make since?

I get this!
At my age (late 30's) many of my friends/peers are still trying to climb the ladder in their careers. I'm trying to figure out how to climb back down the ladder and do as little work as possible yet still make money. ;)

I do my very best at work and try to turn out the best work I can. I also watch the stress-o-meter. If things aren't fun and are causing too much stress- I don't do it anymore (well, not work because I love my job- but in other areas of life).

Life is too short. I always think about my father who worked SO hard his whole life, then died at 54, right before retirement. All that stress and hard work and he didn't get to enjoy life at a slower pace.
I want to enjoy life as much as possible, while still saving for retirement, still working at paying off the house, but still playing and doing the things I love as much as I possibly can. We only get one shot at this, and I'm OK with being on my deathbed and not having won Teacher of the Year, or having 3 degrees or being a CEO. I'm good with having taught thousands of kids and trying to have been a chippy, pleasant, kind-hearted person.

I threw my friend's quote into my signature, but she just gave a great TED talk at TEDxTraverseCity on a very similar topic. T and I worked at boarding school together from 2006-2008 and we worked HARD. We always found time to sneak off together to blow off some stress by doing yoga, or spinning, or walking. We both loved the job, but it was a bit too high-stress and really took a lot of energy out of us. That spring, she tiptoed around the idea of buying a sailboat, moving onto it and simplifying her life down to raw essentials. Compared to my lifestyle, hers is incredibly simple, while I understand that others take it even further than she does. Still, she went all in on her boat and her new lifestyle and it has really worked out for her. Because of her blog, she was invited to give her TED talk. I think some women here would really enjoy it! Check it out:

http://tedxtraversecity.com/videos

Hers is "My American Dream" by Teresa Carey

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Originally Posted by Tri Girl

Life is too short. I always think about my father who worked SO hard his whole life, then died at 54, right before retirement. All that stress and hard work and he didn't get to enjoy life at a slower pace.
I want to enjoy life as much as possible, while still saving for retirement, still working at paying off the house, but still playing and doing the things I love as much as I possibly can. We only get one shot at this, and I'm OK with being on my deathbed and not having won Teacher of the Year, or having 3 degrees or being a CEO. I'm good with having taught thousands of kids and trying to have been a chippy, pleasant, kind-hearted person.

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+1 TriGirl!

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Originally Posted by Tri Girl

I get this!
At my age (late 30's) many of my friends/peers are still trying to climb the ladder in their careers. I'm trying to figure out how to climb back down the ladder and do as little work as possible yet still make money. ;)

I do my very best at work and try to turn out the best work I can. I also watch the stress-o-meter. If things aren't fun and are causing too much stress- I don't do it anymore (well, not work because I love my job- but in other areas of life).

Life is too short. I always think about my father who worked SO hard his whole life, then died at 54, right before retirement. All that stress and hard work and he didn't get to enjoy life at a slower pace.
I want to enjoy life as much as possible, while still saving for retirement, still working at paying off the house, but still playing and doing the things I love as much as I possibly can. We only get one shot at this, and I'm OK with being on my deathbed and not having won Teacher of the Year, or having 3 degrees or being a CEO. I'm good with having taught thousands of kids and trying to have been a chippy, pleasant, kind-hearted person.

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+1 I agree. I'm in my early 40s took an upper management position thinking it was the thing to do to advance my career. Talk about total stress and misery. I lasted in that position for about 1.5 years then decided to step down. Could not be happier...once my day is done at work it is done....no more fielding calls at night or on weekends. In my field I have seen a lot of people work their lives away only to end up in a nursing home in the end.

I now live life to what I feel is the fullest for me and I can laugh at myself. Like you Trigirl...except with older people I am happy with knowing I have helped well over couple hundred people rehab back to home after surgery, strokes, pneumonia...etc. Have a great day/night everyone:D

I used to think that I had to excel at everything. Instead of just being a good doc I had to be an administrator as well. I tried being in charge of EMS in the city I was working in. I failed at that. I just wasn't interested in putting in the time, and I hated it. I still wince when I think about it. Then I tried working at a teaching hospital. But my heart wasn't in that either. I have finally come to understand that I need to play to my strengths. I'm a good "pit doc", and I enjoy it. So that's enough.

It's taken me a long time to realize that appearance (as in being important or in charge) is less important than substance (being good at what I do and being happy about it). I'm a much calmer and more content person for knowing that.

Now I'm looking toward what, if anything, I want to do when I retire, which will hopefully be in the next 3-5 years. I may just allow myself to do nothing.

I'm a goal-oriented person . . . so I naturally tend to set "high-standards of achievement" for myself. Many times I know, going into it, that the "high-level" I set for myself is just beyond what I think is a realistic goal.

I have not experienced that deep, disappointing, feeling when I don't achieve a goal. I guess I have that more laid-back approach to life.

I know people that view me as being "overly-driven" and "extremely competitive." They find me very intimidating. I think that is an inaccurate description of who I am because I don't agonize over "defeat." Nor do I obsess about winning. To me, racing, training, setting goals is fun! Setting a goal for yourself and accomplishing it is an amazing feeling! I am constantly amazed at what our bodies-our spirits-can endure and achieve!

IMHO: I think setting a goal of "winning" is a terrible goal to set for yourself! You never know who is going to show up for a race or what unknown is going to happen. Goals surrounding fitness levels, nutrition, running pace, etc are much more achievable and satisfying.

People have described me as "effortlessly competent", so while I don't seem to work very hard I get a lot done and make positive changes in the workplace. All this has done is create a life with a series of "professions" where I start out entry level and end up promoted much higher that I ever wanted to be.

My current job is working in a university library as a civil servant, in the four years I've been here I've gone from a part time assistant to a senior level manager who supervises 40 people... and I don't care about my job in the slightest. I don't hate it, I just don't care about it. I don't want to be a boss anymore and I don't want to work indoors all day and never see the sun.

My SO and I are debt free (except for a tiny mortgage payment) as of this month. Her job is ending in the Fall but we can live on part time salaries, we both prefer time off to making money; so we're taking a serious look at our options.

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Originally Posted by roadie gal

I used to think that I had to excel at everything. Instead of just being a good doc I had to be an administrator as well. I tried being in charge of EMS in the city I was working in. I failed at that. I just wasn't interested in putting in the time, and I hated it. I still wince when I think about it. Then I tried working at a teaching hospital. But my heart wasn't in that either. I have finally come to understand that I need to play to my strengths. I'm a good "pit doc", and I enjoy it. So that's enough.

It's taken me a long time to realize that appearance (as in being important or in charge) is less important than substance (being good at what I do and being happy about it). I'm a much calmer and more content person for knowing that.

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Several years ago, doctor-sister turned down an offer to manage the EMS division at her hospital. She just didn't want to deal with administrative side. She also has 2 young children (2nd one is 2 yrs. old) and is an older mother at 42 by starting her family later in life. She is working part-time, her hubby works full-time...as a cook.

So you can guess that they aren't living a high life, but she saved sufficient money when she had no children. I think she' trying to cope partially because she knows she lacks the energy compared to 15 yrs. ago..

So she truly is bucking the trend among some doctors with type AAA personalities.

I got my Master's degree and started the work ladder shortly thereafter. Went through a couple of different careers, then got married to someone who said I didn't have to work. It was a very difficult transition (not working for money) because my image of myself was so wrapped up in what I did for a living, how much money I made and my material possessions. I have come to the conclusion that there is such a thing as "good enough". Things don't have to be perfect, but good enough is just fine. This attitude allows me to live relatively stress free and cut myself some slack. In the meantime, I've had time to do all sorts out interesting and out of my comfort zone volunteering, try out & keep or discard hobbies/interests, and essentially work to "find myself" in middle age.

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Originally Posted by roadie gal

It's taken me a long time to realize that appearance (as in being important or in charge) is less important than substance (being good at what I do and being happy about it). I'm a much calmer and more content person for knowing that.

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I agree with this. Although I've had a few supervisory positions, I've never really cared about being in charge per se. I'm working on my B.A. in History(non-trad and I'm 38) and I work in libraries(MLS afterwards) so I can hopefully combine the two at some point. I'd like to have some more money, but it's not really my goal, being happily employed at something I'd really enjoy that allows me time to enjoy life too. That's what I aim for. Jennifer

I was fairly competitive in my teaching career, but when I found a job I loved, I found that I had learned so much, that most of my work was not that much of an effort for me. People thought I was supremely competent, but it was really more my positive attitude, my belief that all kids could learn, and being organized. I loved supervising and mentoring new teachers, but when i had earned all of the credits/coursework for my certificate of advanced graduate studies in educational leadership, I decided I didn't want to be a principal and it is very hard to find a curriculum job. I never did the internship or got the degree. This was right around the time I had been cycling for about 1-2 years and my priorities were changing. When I quit my job in 2007, I found it very hard to shed my professional identity and hence, the going back to school. I found I love working independently as a therapist, making my own schedule, as opposed to having to make every decision with a team of at least 3 other people.
I'm content. I do miss making the $, though. Even though DH makes plenty for us to live on, I always felt that I could support myself nicely and it felt like psychological freedom. It's hard to explain. The jobs I'm applying for now are less than my 20 something kids make.

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Originally Posted by Crankin

. I'm content. I do miss making the $, though. Even though DH makes plenty for us to live on, I always felt that I could support myself nicely and it felt like psychological freedom. It's hard to explain. The jobs I'm applying for now are less than my 20 something kids make.

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It's really sad that so many jobs that can make a significant difference in people's lives (like therapist, social worker, and the like) are so poorly paid compared to many jobs that don't mean diddly (sports professional, stock broker...) in the larger scheme of things. You should be very proud of what you are doing. You are blessed to not have to sell your soul doing something just for the money...you can afford to do something that is truly important. Brava! :)

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Originally Posted by emily_in_nc

It's really sad that so many jobs that can make a significant difference in people's lives (like therapist, social worker, and the like) are so poorly paid compared to many jobs that don't mean diddly (sports professional, stock broker...) in the larger scheme of things. You should be very proud of what you are doing. You are blessed to not have to sell your soul doing something just for the money...you can afford to do something that is truly important. Brava! :)

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My partner and I are looking in hindsight at the choices we made for occupations and are coming to the realization that while what we did was important (she worked with disabled children and I worked with mentally ill homeless adults), we will have minimal retirement funds. When our friends who went into more lucrative careers were making $40,000 a year we were making $15,000 and $18,000. When their companies were giving them large bonuses for the holidays, we were getting $5 gift cards for Wal Mart (only bonus I've ever gotten).

I don't regret choosing to spend most of my work life helping people. As I mentioned above, we enjoy time off and may consider working part time in the future, it should be okay barring any catastrophe.

This is true, Emily. If I was 20 years younger, I might be able to build up a private practice after putting in my two years of slave labor to get my license, and earn a lot more. But, even though I plan on continuing working part time after I do get my license, I don't think I want the responsibility of the business aspect of a practice and will be happy to put in a few hours a week in a clinic or holistic health center. And, it does suck that human service professionals make so little, at least in the beginning. I know that in a lot of cases teachers don't make that much either, but I had a lot of post master's credits, which along with experience, really shoot you up on the pay scale, as well as my bonus from the state for being a national board certified teacher. That extra $ paid for my older son's college. In AZ we had merit pay, and that also was something that came at a time when my young family needed the $.
This is truly my "giving back" job, although after 31 years of teaching, I feel like I have already "given" plenty. But, it was so sad to see at graduation that there were about 5 men in my program, and it is most definitely because of the money aspect. We need good male therapists, as well as teachers, but there were a lot more guys getting their master's in education.

.LOL...That is a bigger bonus then I have ever received. ( we also no longer get holidays off and do not get paid any extra when woking on a holiday.)

I have worked with the geriatric population for over 18 years in a nursing home environment which at times can get quite challenging. I do have hope of going part-time in about 6-8 years...fingers crossed. As I mentioned before I was in management for a while but it just was not worth it. Too much "pointing of the finger" or not taking accountability for issues.

I certainly never planned on being where I am at 51, I will likely be one of those who are not able to retire...but that isn't a bad thing. I spent much of the first half of my adult life "off the grid", and then wound up in college and then graduate school in my late 30s and early 40's. Student loans became the bane of my existence and still are :o

My debt level is far higher than I would like at this stage of life, but it is what it is. I've a job I like that serves a basic need for everyone in the community, an apartment I love, and plenty of time to ride my bike(s) and some good friends. We don't get bonuses or cost of living raises, but I don't complain for there are many who have much less to live on than I do. In this economy I am not about to move to the private sector...though I might rethink that in a few more years. I've never been good at financial matters, but when I die that won't matter. I do wish that I had been taught how to manage money as a child though, it would have likely prevented some pretty big mistakes as an adult. At least I can stop from adding more debt and work on what I can. Certainly no more bike debt :o

So I keep putting one foot in front of the other and focus on today rather than what happened 10 or 20 or 30 years ago. I can't do anything about choices made then, only on the challenges that are given to me today - and hopefully never forget again to pay attention to the roses and zinnias around me. My bikes help a great deal with that!

I wish I could live outside of the county though, that would allow me to seriously cut my cost of living... I would seriously love to return to living off the grid, but I have to get out of debt to do that.

Being able to support myself has always been a very motivating factor in my life. My mother, who is one of the smartest people I know and who graduated at the top of her class from a renowned art school, has never really worked outside of the home. Her dependency on my father has always upset me, especially since she has made it very clear that she hasn't lived the life she wanted.

I never wanted to put myself or anyone else in that position, so I followed the route of my father and grandfather and became a lawyer. I love the law, but the practice of it is very challenging. After a few years in private practice at a large firm, I jumped ship and took a job with the federal government. It pays well, but far less than what I could have earned at the firm. Sometimes I don't feel like a real lawyer, but I do my job well and am respected by my boss and my peers. The only downside is that my boss plans to retire in about three years, and my job will not be secure when he does. I'm not sure what will happen to me.

I do feel like I have a good work life balance, and that is very important to me. I also have ably supported myself. By the time I got married, I'd already been a homeowner and was otherwise living debt free and well within my means. Having a second income, however, is nice. I'm pretty content with where I am professionally and financially.

That said, I really wish I wasn't so risk adverse. DH is pretty cautious, too, but I really would like to make a move to a different locale before long. I think we'll both need a big kick in the pants to do that though. I truly envy those of you who have made big moves. It seems so alien to me to take that kind of a chance. Here's hoping!

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Originally Posted by indysteel

That said, I really wish I wasn't so risk adverse. DH is pretty cautious, too, but I really would like to make a move to a different locale before long. I think we'll both need a big kick in the pants to do that though. I truly envy those of you who have made big moves. It seems so alien to me to take that kind of a chance. Here's hoping!

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I'm in the same boat as you! I think law exacerbates any risk aversion one already has - and having to deal with license issues in another jurisdiction is certainly not a fun thought....

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Originally Posted by Reesha

I threw my friend's quote into my signature, but she just gave a great TED talk at TEDxTraverseCity on a very similar topic. T and I worked at boarding school together from 2006-2008 and we worked HARD. We always found time to sneak off together to blow off some stress by doing yoga, or spinning, or walking. We both loved the job, but it was a bit too high-stress and really took a lot of energy out of us. That spring, she tiptoed around the idea of buying a sailboat, moving onto it and simplifying her life down to raw essentials. Compared to my lifestyle, hers is incredibly simple, while I understand that others take it even further than she does. Still, she went all in on her boat and her new lifestyle and it has really worked out for her. Because of her blog, she was invited to give her TED talk. I think some women here would really enjoy it! Check it out:

http://tedxtraversecity.com/videos

Hers is "My American Dream" by Teresa Carey

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Too funny! Her blog is one that I read that motivated me through some very dark days at a former employer. I'm still in the "figuring out what's next" stage - but I'm thankfully not in that place anymore:) Just in case she wondered if anyone read her writing or cared, I did:)

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Originally Posted by indysteel

That said, I really wish I wasn't so risk adverse...

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This is an interesting discussion - I've always been the one to take large risks and have sometimes wondered what life would have been like if I had been a bit more adverse to taking them. That would have been a different person though, not "me" :)

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Originally Posted by indysteel

Being able to support myself has always been a very motivating factor in my life...........................I never wanted to put myself or anyone else in that position,.......................................................That said, I really wish I wasn't so risk adverse. DH is pretty cautious, too, but I really would like to make a move to a different locale before long. I think we'll both need a big kick in the pants to do that though. I truly envy those of you who have made big moves. It seems so alien to me to take that kind of a chance. Here's hoping!

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Yes, being able support self has been important also.

I wish I could retire now but no, that's not realistic financially. There is a benefit through my current employer to take a leave of absence for limited time period but without pay. I may consider it for 1-2 months in a few years..after I deal with this mortgage.

I do have an option to also work a 4 day work week on compressed hour arrangement and get 5th day off.

Or telework for 1 day per wk.

All of the above I don't quite see yet since I'm still a (52-yr.) baby for my employer. I'm new and have only been with this employer for 6 months. I still have yet to meet internal clients for some work/major project of mine.

But already I have to finalize my own job description as part of the typical HR (and for unionized position). I do have some leeway to specify what I don't want in my job...which I've never been offered that option.

The parts of a management role that I do like are in areas of planning, as well as mentoring staff. I don't care much for accountability issues though I have to say 85% of the time, I have been very lucky to have supervised staff who were self-managing, client-focused, desirous of learning new things and conscientous workers.

At this time in life, it feels strange to be part of a large organization where there are people around my age taking early retirement, while I have just joined the organization.

As for taking risks indysteel: it does mean being flexible to relocate. It hasn't been easy but it's easier if there is a job offer. Most definitely for myself personally, adjustment to a new city (I moved from Ontario to British Columbia, then later from B.C. to Alberta), where I choose to live is very important to me and my quality of life.

And yes, I've managed to live near cycling infrastructure (within 5 min. bike ride or less) for all 3 cities where I've lived and worked so far: Toronto, Vancouver and Calgary. This alone I am grateful for my own equilibrium. :) It is a real de-stressor and gets me exploring my home city.

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Originally Posted by Catrin

This is an interesting discussion - I've always been the one to take large risks and have sometimes wondered what life would have been like if I had been a bit more adverse to taking them. That would have been a different person though, not "me" :)

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When I was unemployed, I had a serious problem distillating all my different job experiences on my resume.
I think some of my jobs have changed me....has made me less shy. But what helped push that was some of my volunteer work prior to cycling where I saw people/dedicated volunteers passionate on issues speak out to the public.

Moving drastically from one province to another, has made me WAY MORE appreciative of the regional differences in Canada...geography, weather, politics and local culture. I feel more "Canadian", to know my own country in essence, better. Rather just an Ontario understanding/perspective where I was born and lived first 40+ yrs. of my life. It's not for every one and I wouldn't be saying this if not also living in major cities that were more multi-ethnic compared to a tiny town somewhere in Canada.

I don't consider myself a big risk taker....I don't go hiking/snowshoeing by myself, I have yet to go on a multi-day/weeks long bike trip solo, etc. Prior to dearie, I did take some vacation trips on my own. I don't think about "breaking free". It's more just taking opportunities or making big life decisions that looks risky to outsiders. It is possible to non-cyclists who see some of us cycling all over the place as an expression of "breaking free".

Taking multiple risks does mean dealing with some aloneness for first while when one must readjust to a new environment all over again.

I'm sure Pax can understand this because she works with mentally ill people.

Because I deal with several mental illnesses, achievements can be distorted. When on a manic high, I think I can do anything and anything/anyone who gets in my way gets trampled.

Your personal needs are bypassed by the need to achieve. Coworkers hate you because you know/can do everything better, faster and more efficient. You aren't trying to make them look bad, you just see everything in a different light. Everything becomes clearer and you are able to see beyond what is there. It's an amazing feeling and most bipolar people refuse to take meds because reality sucks. At some point though, you get overwhelmed because you take on more than you can handle and everything crashes to pieces making you look inept.

When you hit depression, you don't want to get out of bed. It hurts too much. Everything is an extreme effort and your job suffers big time. You can't finish up a project at work, your just barely get things done at work and your boss/coworkers start thinking you are lazy and don't care. Now you no longer have a job which is why many people with mental illnesses are homeless. Even on medication, it's a delicate balance.

It's frustrating to have dreams and goals that you may never achieve or only get bits and pieces of. What's even harder is that you look "normal" so no one understands. I can get jobs, but holding one down for long periods of time can take more effort than I can possibly give.

The biggest achievement for me is being able to manage a mental illness. I'm stable and have been able to keep it that way. I have a wonderful family. I have a couple of hobbies that I haven't dropped out of frustration or boredom that keep me sane. Still not sure about cycling, but if I drop it, at least I had fun while it lasted. I take my meds even though reality sucks and I don't want to lose what I have gained.

Achievements are stepping stones to happiness when used right or stumbling blocks when it backfires. It's being able to conquer both to the best of your ability that allows you to build something beautiful that you can be proud of.

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Originally Posted by shootingstar

.... It's more just taking opportunities or making big life decisions that looks risky to outsiders. It is possible to non-cyclists who see some of us cycling all over the place as an expression of "breaking free".

Taking multiple risks does mean dealing with some aloneness for first while when one must readjust to a new environment all over again.

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This!

"I" have never considered myself to actually be a "risk-taker". There are many ways to do that, and I did deal with major depression for years which manifested in some...unique ways...thankfully I was finally able to deal with the major trauma and PTSD that caused it in the first place. No problems with the depression in close to a decade now :cool:

Over the years I've become quite good with distilling my resume to support job-seeking, and it has been relatively easy to pull up stakes to move across the country. My focus seems to be changing though, while I WOULD move across the country for the right job, it would take a lot more to make it worth my while to do so. If my debt level were lower then perhaps this would be different...but it is a part of it.

I've several good friends in my church who are amazed at the things I "dare" to do alone - in their minds I am an extreme risk-taker. I guess opposites attract - but I am no where near where I once was in this department. Yes I go hiking/riding by myself and I am learning mountain biking at 51 - but that is far from my definition of "risk-taking". Compared to my younger years my life is quite boring/sedentary these days. I am sometimes amazed that I actually survived those years :eek: :o ;) and am thankful for all that I have.

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Originally Posted by Blueberry

I'm in the same boat as you! I think law exacerbates any risk aversion one already has - and having to deal with license issues in another jurisdiction is certainly not a fun thought....

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So true. I could look into getting waived into another state, but I refuse to take the bar exam again.

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Originally Posted by indysteel

So true. I could look into getting waived into another state, but I refuse to take the bar exam again.

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Is it common to have to retake the bar exam when you change states? I would hope that a waive would be possible with a certain level of experience...

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Originally Posted by Catrin

Is it common to have to retake the bar exam when you change states? I would hope that a waive would be possible with a certain level of experience...

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It depends on the state, but my "experience" is somewhat different in that for the last 11 years, I've had a job with the Feds that doesn't constitute the "practice of law" in some jurisdictions. My first job out of law school with the state court of appeals was similar. So, I only have a few years of true practice under my belt, despite having been out of law school since 1996.

ETA: I'd add that one of things that makes me adverse to relocating--as much as I don't want to spend all my life in Indiana--is that I'm not all that excited about going back to private practice. The biggest reason I've stayed put all these years is that I'm perfectly suited for my current job. While my position exists all across the country, they don't come open all that often. When my boss leaves, I have every intention of trying to stay on with his replacement. If he/she doesn't keep me, then that could be a big cue for us to pick up and move. Assuming at least one of us is gainfully employed at the new locale, then we just need to accept the risk that it may take time for the other to find something.

That's one of the reasons that we're currently doing our best to live on just one salary and that smaller of the two at that. While many of our friends are "upgrading" to more expensive homes and cars, we're happy with what we have. Of course, once you're a home owner, it becomes harder to relocate, too--at least with the housing market as it is.

Catrin, I think you and I are somewhat similar. I feel very risk averse compared to many people on TE, yet my friends think I am a crazy risk taker. I feel that my world has become somewhat narrow compared to some. I vacillate; there are some things I want to do, but I am stuck. I depend totally on DH for my income now, which, as I said before, is most unlike me! It has allowed me to change careers, but... today I am going on my second interview for a job that pays, well, about $35K. My last paid job was about 75K. I know I shouldn't find my self worth in my salary, but, to me, money is power in some sense. And independence. On the other hand, many saw me going back to school as a great risk taking adventure, but to me, school is very safe and comfortable. I've been in school since I was 3 years old!
I was pretty "wild" as a teen and I think my risk averse stance is somewhat of a rebellion against this. Also, I have had to fight my strong familial trend to be afraid of everything. I also think that the acceleration of technology has increased my risk aversion... hard to explain, but I feel like with everything being so connected and everyone using devices that I don't have or use, it makes me want to crawl into a corner and read my books!
But secretly, I want to do a lot of stuff, but it's like I don't have the will.
I've never been one to "follow the rules," so who knows where the future will lead.

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Originally Posted by Tri Girl

I get this!
At my age (late 30's) many of my friends/peers are still trying to climb the ladder in their careers. I'm trying to figure out how to climb back down the ladder and do as little work as possible yet still make money. ;)

I do my very best at work and try to turn out the best work I can. I also watch the stress-o-meter. If things aren't fun and are causing too much stress- I don't do it anymore (well, not work because I love my job- but in other areas of life).

Life is too short. I always think about my father who worked SO hard his whole life, then died at 54, right before retirement. All that stress and hard work and he didn't get to enjoy life at a slower pace.
I want to enjoy life as much as possible, while still saving for retirement, still working at paying off the house, but still playing and doing the things I love as much as I possibly can. We only get one shot at this, and I'm OK with being on my deathbed and not having won Teacher of the Year, or having 3 degrees or being a CEO. I'm good with having taught thousands of kids and trying to have been a chippy, pleasant, kind-hearted person.

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+1
I'm 34. I've not made much money since I left employment to go the self-employment route 8 years ago (marketing and graphic design, publications). However, my life is better. It's not so stressful. I've made money at times to allow my husband to cross into self-employment as well (he spent 8 years as a special ed teacher, oy! Now he's a home remodeler), and he's doing quite well. It has bothered me that I don't make half the income for our household, but I came to realize that what I do, and continue to do, is very important.
If I had remained employed, we would not have had time to buy a couple of rentals. One of those houses we wouldn't have found if I had not been watching the listings every day, and beaten everyone else to the deal. If I were employed, I wouldn't have known the lady selling the other rental, and again, gotten a deal. If I were employed, I wouldn't have seen a way out of debt for us. And now, as we're trying to get closer to our dream of being off the grid, of opening up a small cottage-style vacation spot, I've had the time to be able to work part time for B&B's, garden centers, organic restaurants, etc that gains me experience in all the things we want to offer at our little getaway. I garden organically, because I want a HUGE organic garden in that little vacation spot. I want, instead of making big breakfasts, to be serving HUGE Mediterranean-style dinners where the wine and conversation flow. So I keep working at recipes, making my own up, perfecting classics, and getting better and faster at large meals.
We are not wealthy. We've never made more than 45k in a year. But we've made it work, we're building up our savings, I'm home enough that I can make sure we eat really well & handle details and life's little crisis'. We both work HARD, just because I don't make much in dollars doesn't mean I don't contribute, and some days I have to remind myself of WHY a full time job for me wouldn't work for us, even if the money might be nice. I've tried to go back twice, and the results were just terrible: misery, work-induced poor eating habits, high stress, a messy house, never seeing the hubs and a dog that just couldn't handle me being away. I am where I should be.

Just my 2 cents.

For those who are mega rich, their seems to be Midas complex at work. A hoarding behavior but unlike regular hoarders who hoard everything, newspaper, magazines, trash, animals, instead they hoard money.

These hoarders seems very much a high functioning both socially and economically (they got $$). And no matter how much they have, they are missing something in their lives and make it up in $$. More money you have, you can almost buy your way out of misery or sadness. But it doesn't quite do it. So they keep on accumulating more $$.

Bigger house,
bigger plane or Learjet,
faster and more expensive car...
Hermes, Tiffany's...

Sad part is I've seen too many executives whose family life is in shambles. divorced 3, 4 even 5 times. Very common. Their kids or wives in drug rehab or in/out of jail. Very common. Something is missing. Absentee spouse does not lend to a happy functional family.

Living a good life is not about having $$$ its about quality of life and putting what is important to you first.

I've been forced into an early retirement. Did take a short term stint as an engineering manager but gave it up after only 5 month. Gave my job to someone who really needed a job and had been out of work for 2+ years. His wife was so grateful. I'm truly happy to get them out of a funk. It means a lot to me. Employer was very happy with my replacement, husband is happy so is his family and me too.

I don't regret giving up the job. It was a permanent position but it just was not for me.

The early retirement is allowing me to pursue things that's really important to me, environment.

solar cells for electricity
solar power to heat and cool your house. It's lot cheaper than solar cell/electricity.
CO2 sequestering technology and no you don't need to liquify CO2 and pump into old well.
and on and on...

I've been at it for a while and will continue to do so. Some are low tech solution and can be done without $$.

I'm happy that I've given up the high tech career. 30years is too long.
I am doing things which means a lot to me personally. This, is a very good life. I don't think we should say "good enough life" we should say, "life you dreamed of"

wish everyone well. I wish everyone to find their nirvana.

Smiling Cat, you sound like you are doing cool stuff.
I hope I didn't sound money obsessed... I am certainly not at the Lear jet level of life, but when I was thinking about people I know with that kind of money, it seems like I know quite a few who are so happy and subtle about it and I wonder what the difference is. I live in a community with some very wealthy people. In the typical New England way, they are modest, often giving huge amounts to philanthropic causes, and into environmental causes.
I know money doesn't buy happiness, but it does make things easier at a certain level. I think it's disingenuous to say otherwise. My parents went from solidly very upper middle class to worrying about how they were going to pay for basics when I was a teen; that was not fun.
I just wonder what the basic personality is that allows someone to not go crazy in the way you described when a person is very wealthy.

What a great thread! I've enjoyed reading everyones posts, and for many of you actually feel the compassion that you have for your lives, family and career choice(s).

I have always had jobs that I truly enjoyed...that was actually a promise that I made myself as I graduated with my BS many years ago.For some reason, it just didn't make sense to go to a job where one made a lot of money, and on the other hand, hated every minute of it. With that promise, I've also put myself in a situation where the pay scale is very low, and it's very likely that I will not ever be able to retire.

In the early 90's, I started work in the bike industry and truly loved it! I took as many classes as I could, worked for a great shop with lots of guidance both on the mechanical side of things but also in the training area as well. Needless to say, I found what I am truly passionate about. Since then, I've continued to gain experience, managed a small shop and finally bought that same shop. So 19 years later, I'm truly enjoying going to work every day. That isn't to say that life is all roses, the economy has definitely taken its toll and many have moved out of this area. And it also means that I took all of my savings to purchase the shop.

The area that I live in is an outdoor paradise! I also realize that with that luxury, it also means that it's difficult to earn a living regardless of what your career choice might be. And although I knew all of this, I still decided to make the decision to buy the shop. I knew that I could live simple and enjoy the great outdoors. How much better can life be when you can walk out your front door at anytime of the year and ride either on the road or off, backpack, ski, snowshoe, kayak etc... you get the picture. And one of the best features is as I go to bed each night, I can hear the river and the sound puts me to sleep. :p

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Originally Posted by Crankin

I just wonder what the basic personality is that allows someone to not go crazy in the way you described when a person is very wealthy.

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I think it's a mindset. Either you are happy with who you are, and with life, or you are not. I've seen many people who are unhappy with their lives try to fill it with "things" that buy momentary happiness. I know how I like getting a little package in the mail once in a while (new jersey! Yippee!), what if I had the money to do that every day? I have a friend like this - he spends like crazy, and yet deep inside is one of the saddest, most miserably unhappy people you'll meet. He thinks I am crazy for not wanting to keep doing work I hate - if it makes money, that's the important thing, I should just suck it up and do it. My thought is the opposite, life is too short to hate what you do. Life is beautiful, if you let it be.

Meanwhile, I have other friends & family who have worked hard, and invested carefully to get their millions. They don't spend lavishly except where they feel it counts. My parents like a certain part of Nova Scotia, so it made sense to buy an (adorable!) house there, since they want to spend 3 months of the year there in retirement. Mom *could* walk around in $1k shoes but that's not important to her. Others I have seen spend it where they think it counts, but not always on flashy cars or fancy houses. These people are happy with who they are - and they made money while being happy, not by being miserable and needing to compensate.

I was in that trap also, with one of my corporate jobs. It was close to the mall, it was so easy after a bad morning to go to the mall, and find a little something to make my day better. That's the trap. You think more money will make you happier. Happiness doesn't stem from money, not one iota.

We're also working toward being off-grid. Lots of work, but it's so fun!