bit of a bummer post

I bought a bike in February, waited until the snow melted (almost) and started riding once or twice a week. I haven't been able to ride in several weeks now because when I do I get a huge guilt trip from my husband (who does not have a bike, does not want a bike, and doesn't understand why I would want to go riding my myself). :mad: I am so frustrated. In the same breath that he gives me a guilt trip for "going out by myself" he says that he doesn't keep me from riding! Grrrrr. I miss my bike. :(

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Originally Posted by newtobikesmama

I bought a bike in February, waited until the snow melted (almost) and started riding once or twice a week. I haven't been able to ride in several weeks now because when I do I get a huge guilt trip from my husband (who does not have a bike, does not want a bike, and doesn't understand why I would want to go riding my myself). :mad: I am so frustrated. In the same breath that he gives me a guilt trip for "going out by myself" he says that he doesn't keep me from riding! Grrrrr. I miss my bike. :(

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You feel guilty for doing something you enjoy? Isn't that what he wants you to feel. Sounds like a lot of mixed messages going on between you two.

Unless he wants to surgically attach you to his body, he needs to get a grip on reality.

Go riding. Encourage him to find his own bliss for his "away" time and work to find some common bliss for your together time.

He'll either respect you more for taking care of your own needs, or he is immature.

Go riding. Come back and give him a big kiss. And then go riding again. :)

It's no different than reward training a puppy.

Newtobikes---I also used to feel guilty for riding, as it took time away from my family. I finally figured out that if I rode in the morning when they are still asleep, no one will notice, and I have nothing to feel guilty about. (I have since realized that the guilt was self-induced, and now I'll ride anytime that I'm not "needed" at home.) Can you ride at a time when you aren't "needed" by your hubby? Early morning or some other time that is already not a shared time? Try to put into words the joy you get from your rides. Once your husband realizes how much you enjoy the bike time, hopefully he will encourage you instead of guilt-tripping you.

I agree with Pardes..get on your bike & ignore the whinges! Just ride.

Let your dear sit in the house.

Ugh ... my husband used to do the same thing. I confronted him, enough times that it stopped being an issue. At this point I honestly can't say whether he doesn't do it any more, or whether I just quit feeling guilty. :cool: Just go and ride.

Your husband can't make you feel guilty---that's something you are doing all by yourself. It's a curse we women have. We feel responsible for everyone else's feelings and try to keep everyone happy. It's an impossible task.

You are entitled to enjoy a solo activity, have time to yourself a few times a week and get some exercise. It will make you a better wife and mother and a happier person. Think of the example you are setting for your children. Go ride your bike and quit feeling guilty, mom. Hubby will adjust.

PS: Does your husband golf, fish or have any other hobby or activity? I'm sure he doesn't feel guilty when he leaves the house for a few hours.

Even if he doesn't have his own hobby, go ahead and cycle.

I get the opposite, if I don't cycle for awhile, my dearie gets concerned for me. And I would for him.

And we don't we even cycle together --60% of time we're each cycling alone on our own. He has a home-based biz..

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Originally Posted by Bike Chick

Your husband can't make you feel guilty---that's something you are doing all by yourself. It's a curse we women have. We feel responsible for everyone else's feelings and try to keep everyone happy. It's an impossible task.

You are entitled to enjoy a solo activity, have time to yourself a few times a week and get some exercise. It will make you a better wife and mother and a happier person. Think of the example you are setting for your children. Go ride your bike and quit feeling guilty, mom. Hubby will adjust.

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+1.

Is this typical of your husband? Is there some underlying insecurity that your cycling triggers for him? Regardless of how you answer those questions, if you want to ride, ride. While it would be nice to have your husband's blessing, you don't need it or his permission. I don't think you need to be confrontational about it. Just calmly tell him that you're going for a ride. If he resists, tell him you're sorry he feels that way and that you're nevertheless going for the ride. Then go and enjoy yourself. He'll catch on.

This is why I don't want a husband.

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Originally Posted by pardes

It's no different than reward training a puppy.

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Pardes is wonderful :D

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Originally Posted by jobob

Pardes is wonderful :D

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Blush. Actually I'm probably more "just experienced with puppies" than wonderful.

I used to be married to a puppy. Odd thing is that back then, in the dark ages, he was a biker and I wasn't. Except he only TALKED about biking and just never quite got around to actually biking. Just TALKING about biking is like...well like smoking a cigarette through a pillow.

I agree -- positive training works with people.

If you want to ride, do it. I don't know how old you are or how long you've been married, but sometimes these things just take a little time. He will probably get used to it, and if he doesn't, you've learned something you need to know.

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Originally Posted by Zen

This is why I don't want a husband.

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But they're handy for opening stubborn lids.

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Originally Posted by Zen

This is why I don't want a husband.

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You and I agree on something! :eek:
:D

Don't want to start drifting this thread too far, but, please don't overgeneralize about husbands. If it wasn't for mine, I wouldn't be riding. And for years, he was the one that got the kids ready for the day, took them to daycare, school, etc. while I was out cavorting at the gym at 5 AM before work. And that's not counting the thousands of $ spent on course work for my group exercise certification/re-certification, clothing, music, classes at all hours of the day...
I realize that everyone's different, and I think you have received excellent advice. But, please don't lump all husbands together.

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Originally Posted by sundial

but they're handy for opening stubborn lids.

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lol :d

Hey, newtobikesmama...I'm awfully tempted to bet that cycling isn't the only arena that this behavior pattern occurs. I would just encourage you to take a deep and broad look at the whole picture, and if there's something there that needs to be worked on, please go work on it with a professional. I've been there, and stuff like this has the tendency to fester if not addressed. Festering is never good.

In the meantime, go ride your bike if that is what YOU want to do.

thank everyone for the advice!!! you girls are so sweet. everyone is right. we are in counseling, there are other issues involved. I just want to get to the point where I can ride without feeling guilty, and that is on me! I bought the bike without guilt, I should be able to ride without guilt!!! Hugs to everyone. And thank you SOOOOO much for the encouragement!!!!!!

+1 to Padres' advice about encouraging your husband to find his own activity and finding a common interest to share.

Newtobikesmama, you deserve to have some alone time and time to exercise. It's important for your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Definitely not something to feel guilty about when you're only trying to replenish your spiritual "bank."


Crankin, I agree about not painting all husbands with a broad brush. I've been blessed with one who has been supportive of me in my endeavors.

Why does your husband need/want you to be with him all the time?

There is something unhealthy going on there.

Is he stressed about taking care of things/children in your absence?
Is he feeling concerned about your committment to him or the marriage?

My experience is that it is very healthy for both partners in a marriage to have some seperate interests or activities.

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Originally Posted by Crankin

... please don't lump all husbands together.

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What a mess that would make. They probably wouldn't even be able to open jars all jumbled up like that.

Make it clear to him that when you've taken good care of yourself you're more available for everything else.

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Originally Posted by Crankin

Don't want to start drifting this thread too far, but, please don't overgeneralize about husbands. If it wasn't for mine, I wouldn't be riding. And for years, he was the one that got the kids ready for the day, took them to daycare, school, etc. while I was out cavorting at the gym at 5 AM before work. And that's not counting the thousands of $ spent on course work for my group exercise certification/re-certification, clothing, music, classes at all hours of the day...
I realize that everyone's different, and I think you have received excellent advice. ....

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Word, Crankin!

If it weren't for my husband, I would never have started distance running, which led to cycling and eventually, to swimming. My husband has always encouraged me in my athletics, and has had no objections when I bought yet another bike, pair of shorts, swimsuit, etc. Being an endurance athlete, I spend a lot of time on my bike and in the pool, and he's never complained.

Admittedly, both of us enjoy our "private" time and are introverts. In addition, he has a wealth of his own activities/interests that I don't share and which I don't begrudge him. It has to work both ways.

A lot of the TE spouses/partners are very supportive/encouraging.

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Originally Posted by pardes

Blush. Actually I'm probably more "just experienced with puppies" than wonderful.

I used to be married to a puppy. Odd thing is that back then, in the dark ages, he was a biker and I wasn't. Except he only TALKED about biking and just never quite got around to actually biking. Just TALKING about biking is like...well like smoking a cigarette through a pillow.

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Pardes you are a riot...it's a good thing I wasn't drinking coffee when I read your post, because it would have been all over my computer screen! <LOL>

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Originally Posted by Crankin

Don't want to start drifting this thread too far, but, please don't overgeneralize about husbands. If it wasn't for mine, I wouldn't be riding. And for years, he was the one that got the kids ready for the day, took them to daycare, school, etc. while I was out cavorting at the gym at 5 AM before work. And that's not counting the thousands of $ spent on course work for my group exercise certification/re-certification, clothing, music, classes at all hours of the day...
I realize that everyone's different, and I think you have received excellent advice. But, please don't lump all husbands together.

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Absolutely! I have one of the good ones. We are both pretty active, which is probably a big part of it. We actually made a pact when we were first married, to never interfere with each others' training and racing, because we both recognized how important it was. The problem comes in sometimes when one of us feels like a couch potato, and it rubs off on the other one. But he never discourages me from getting out there.

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Newtobikesmama, you deserve to have some alone time and time to exercise. It's important for your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Definitely not something to feel guilty about when you're only trying to replenish your spiritual "bank."

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Sgtiger is absolutely correct here, too. It isn't just something you enjoy. It's good for you, and not just play time.

Just get out there! Otherwise, you'll just end up with a pile of resentment. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like that.

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Originally Posted by Crankin

Don't want to start drifting this thread too far, but, please don't overgeneralize about husbands. If it wasn't for mine, I wouldn't be riding. And for years, he was the one that got the kids ready for the day, took them to daycare, school, etc. while I was out cavorting at the gym at 5 AM before work. And that's not counting the thousands of $ spent on course work for my group exercise certification/re-certification, clothing, music, classes at all hours of the day...
I realize that everyone's different, and I think you have received excellent advice. But, please don't lump all husbands together.

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+1 big time! Without my DH I never would have sat my butt on a bicycle seat. He was my inspiration. I now love to ride more than he does. Sometimes he rides with me, sometimes not. But it's all good and he "gets it" that it's something I love to do.

Ladies, just ride your bike. Don't worry what people think and don't let it take away your joy of riding.

[QUOTE=tctrek;506826] I now love to ride more than he does. Sometimes he rides with me, sometimes not. But it's all good and he "gets it" that it's something I love to do

I agree, my dh, "the SAG Guy" rodes with me sometimes, but rides by himself sometimes and does 6 spin classes a week because he is still working and I am not but he is always the one who makes sure I eat after a ride, take my sports legs, rehydrate and makes sure I understand that if I ever get stuck, all I have to do is call hi, even if is in the middle of the work day. He cheers on my occasional small speed victories, asks about every ride, warns me of traffic problems, and encourages me in far more ways than I can count. We have been married for 37 and recently celebrated our anniversary and he is still and for ever my best friend.

marni