A friend's suicide

Over the past three years, three friends have been diagnosed with a brain tumor. The first of these passed away, after a truly gallant fight, this past June, leaving a wife and two sons.

Saturday, the second one committed suicide. He and I met through our local cycling club in 2006. We did the Bicycle Ride Across Tennessee together in 2007 and 2008. At the 2007 BRAT, he was seemingly well but was diagnosed just two months later with a large, virtually inoperable tumor that had probably been there for some time.

I struggled with how best to help him. He had some serious emotional issues even before his diagnosis, which he shared with me during BRAT. I told him how helpful therapy had been for me and encouraged him to talk to someone. He did, and I believe he was making progress before his diagnosis. Then he fell to pieces. He started drinking a lot and about a year after his diagnosis, his wife of 23 years left him. I try hard not to judge her for that decision, as it seemed that between his depression and drinking, he may have been very toxic. Still, I felt very sorry for him. Divorce is hard enough as it is without adding a terminal illness into the mix.

I begged him to get some help, but I'm not sure he did--at least for any length of time. As the months went by, he seemed more and more lost and adrift. I felt completely ill-equipped to do anything more than refer him to my therapist. When I got the call from his best friend (and another cyclist), I knew what he was going to tell me; it came as no surprise. Still, the thought of him so sad and alone is going to haunt me for some time. Another friend of ours just informed me that Saturday was his birthday.

I have never been truly ill, so I am also in no position to judge his decision to take his own life. Perhaps I would do the same thing. In any event, it pains me to think of him--or anybody--in that kind of emotional distress. I hope and pray that his soul finds peace.

Thank you for "listening."

I couldn't imagine it. Take care of yourself, and know that he probably enjoyed the time spent on the bike with you.

gosh, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. He at least had a great friend in you, so try not to let the thought of him being so sad and alone haunt you too much, try to remember the good times instead (I know, easier said than done!!) Hugs.

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Originally Posted by badger

gosh, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. He at least had a great friend in you, so try not to let the thought of him being so sad and alone haunt you too much, try to remember the good times instead (I know, easier said than done!!) Hugs.

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That's good advice. Thank you.

That's so sad, and I'm sorry you have lost a friend. Just reading your post tells me you were a good friend to him, and probably one of the bright spots in his life.

Indy, you were there for him at important times, that is evident. Try to remember that BRAT ride, and know that he was happy then. It's tragic for everyone involved.. He did the best he could with the tools he had.

Big hugs from someone who lost a boyfriend in high school to suicide, and last year, my younger brother, too.

You need to know that you did the best you could by being a friend, listening, and referring him to help.

SheFly

Oh, I'm so sorry :( You did all that you could have, you could not have stopped him from doing this. It must be hard to think of him being in pain and sorrow, but you could not have taken that away from him, and you certainly tried!

((((((indy)))))) I'm so sorry.

Thanks for all the kind words and hugs to those who have lost someone to suicide. Both my parents lost a parent that way, so it hits close to home for me.

I actually don't feel guilty or bad that I didn't do more. I've been around enough mental illness to appreciate that there is only so much anyone can do--at least not without engaging in codependent behavior. Mostly I'm just sad. While I understand on some level why he did what he did, I'm sad that it came to that. Like I said, I hope he is at peace. I also hope that those who loved him--especially his elderly mother--finds solace for their grief.

I spend a great deal of time doing things that I hope will prevent people from needlessly taking their lives. Note that word...needlessly. I don't believe it is always a tragedy when someone takes their life. Sometimes the person needs to go and that's that, and I can't be the one who decides they must live with their constant pain and hopelessness. I do think that many people commit suicide thinking that the pain and hopelessness they feel now would be their permanent state if they kept on living, and it's simply not true. Those are the people whom I would like to present with another option, and that's why I do the work that I do.

Your friend decided to go, and it appears he had good reason. You gave him good memories. I'm sure he'd thank you if he could. :hugs:

Karen

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Originally Posted by indysteel

I've been around enough mental illness to appreciate that there is only so much anyone can do--at least not without engaging in codependent behavior.

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Takes real wisdom to recognize that. You gave him a great friend and riding buddy and that's all anyone can really ask for. Hugs to you and be well. as the others said, think about the good times and the positive presence his life was to you.

((((indy)))) you know how I feel since we've discussed these things...but also know that you're an awesome person, caring of and for your friends, and consistently being there! Plus, you're a highly respected attorney and a newlywed!:D

Last month, I found one of my oldest friends had committed suicide...and there are just not answers. No reason, no expectation, universal surprise... I wish I understood, I wish I saw signs...interestingly, his action was highly premeditated...even deleted himself off of Facebook...like he was erasing himself...but still NO ONE saw it coming!

Some things can't be explained...somethings can't be stopped...:(

Indy,

I don't have anything enlightening to add I just wanted to say I'm sorry you have to deal with this unfortunate loss. As someone who has a best friend who has been manic on and off for years I understand the difficult decisions you've had to make. I can't know how it effects you exactly as we all cope differently but know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

WR

I don't have much experience in this area, but I'm sorry for your loss. xx

There is nothing I can add that hasn't been said. You are in my thoughts.
Jeannie

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I can't imagine what your friend went through, but I am certain he knew he was loved and had a good friend in you.

{{{Indy}}} I can't say more than others already have, but I am sure that he enjoyed the bike time with you. It is no easy thing to lose a friend under any circumstances...

((((Indy)))) Everyone here has said it well - I cannot say it any better. Brain tumors can also cause one to act differently - perhaps he saw that or was a victim of it...in any case - cherish your favourite memories for that is who he was.

Thanks to all of you for the hugs. I went to yoga tonight and had a good cry. It appears there's going to be a memorial service, too. I'm glad of that. I'd like to think it will provide an opportunity for us to celebrate who he was before he was sick.

Thanks again for the comforting words.

3 years ago my brother in law committed suicide (although in my heart I think it was just an accidental overdose). As you can imagine it left alot of pain, hurt and disbelief... I probably will never get over it. There isn't a day that goes by I don't say to myself... "what could I have done? I should have been there! I should have been more helpful..." Bottom line I can't change what happened.

What I can do is take with me the knowledge that there are some very vulnerable people out there, people who need a "ear" and someone to listen. I now volunteer Saturday nights for a suicide hotline. Maybe I can save someone elses life. Or maybe not but at least I'm trying.

That said, we can only be responsible for ourselves. What happened to your friend was sad but maybe he is now at peace. Take comfort in that.

(((Pam))) re: your BIL. How very sad. How good of you, though, to channel your pain into helping others.