My heart feels like it's going to break

I'm a long time poster and some of you know me pretty well. The love of my life has decided to break off our engagement citing personality and communication issues. We were friends for a year before dating, dated for two years and became engaged in February. Our wedding was to be next October.

I want some perspective as I'm way too closely related to the subject to look at it in the light that it deserves to be.

We have been inseparable since almost the bigging. We started as riding partners and quickly became known as "him & her" wherever we would go. He states that he lost his identity somewhere along the way as we meshed into one. He has never acted as though he didn't love me and we would often (even until up to 24 hours before the break up) plan our awesome future together.

Since telling me on Wednesday that he no longer wanted to be with me, his friendliness towards me hasn't changed. We went out to a friends birthday party this weekend and it was the same old laughable, friendly us minus any hand holding or kissing. We own a home together and I will be taking over the mortgage. In doing so, I asked him a few key requests - transfer the stocks over to me (invested some of our house savings), write the passwords down to all of our Ebills, etc. He never did. He just acted as though we were still a couple - calling me on the way home from work to pick up milk, telling me wasn't going to ride that night, etc. I hoped that with his actions he was just really confused and had cold feet with pre wedding jitters. I have been ashamed at how weak I've become and have even engaged in bedroom activities with him since he broke everything off.

My colleagues have been amazing and true friends. I never grew up in a family where we talked about relationships or emotions. They were something we weren't supposed to have. Being raised like that, I have never in my 30+ years reached out to any females for close companionship as I never felt worthy of the time and effort put forth by others for me. Needless to say, I've been awed by how awesome these new friends are too me. They have shown me (even though I knew it) that I needed to kick him out of the house and that he was being selfish by staying there until his new apartment was ready. I couldn't start healing until he was physical gone.

I finally did it tonight. I had the "talk" where I told him I was trying to play nice so he had no ill feelings towards me but if he cared about me as a human being than he needed to leave. Every time I looked at him my heart broke over and over again and it was killing me. He said it was inconvenient for him to move twice (once to his parents two miles down the road and then again into his new apartment) but I told him that this living situation was no longer about him. He made that decision Wednesday night. I'm glad I held firm as the previous me would have just given it so as to not have him hate me.

A few ugly words were said but later he messaged me to tell me that he was sorry and I had been right - this was after I called his parents and left a message on their phone apologizing for kicking him out at almost 10pm but that he was still being intimate with me and treated me like nothing had happened and it was killing me. His father and I have a pretty good relationship and have had heart to hearts in the past and while the phone to them might have been more than I needed to say, I felt like they deserved to know how their son was acting towards me as I'm sure he's painted a totally different picture. his father and I are actually meeting to talk tonight (Tuesday) about some things.

He's a very independent guy and although I've told him he is running away from some other issues (throwing the baby out with the bathwater) he needs to get some professional help to help him figure out things in life. He's a very quiet man and has gone along with pretty much everything I've ever asked although inside, he didn't want to but never verbalized those feelings. They then bottled up inside until this. I have seen nothing that he has cited as a deal breaker between us but I realize this is not my decision and I don't know what is really going on his brain so I can't actually feel what he feels.

Here's the question - I'm having a hard time deciding how to tell his father in tonight's meeting a few things that I believe are crucial to his son's healing. I realize that many sons have an infatuation with their mothers in a sexual way when they are adolescents. I get that. But this guy is in his mid 20's and likes to call out his mother's (and his aunts - all the same age as his mom) sometimes while in the throes of passion. I'm into role playing as much as the next person but that has always been freaky - and not in a good way. He also told me how he would sneak into her closet and watch her dress, shower etc. Am I wrong to think these things are abnormal? Again, his father and I have a great relationship and have talked about some tough topics in the past but what I'm about to say to him could hurt the father/son relationship and that is not what I'm trying to do. I love this man and I want to see him get help for some obvious depression but the way it stands, I'll get the "boys will be boys" talk if I don't and he won't understand the full magnitude of the issues that are conflicting him. I love this family, I still want to get married, I still want to be a part of his life but I also love him enough to let him go. I just want him to get help.

Sorry if this was TMI. I just needed some people that would not judge me that I know on a personal level.

Thanks

You need to let him go. He has some deep problems that you cannot fix. You cannot 'save' him. You are not his mother. He needs a counsellor...big time.

That's all that I will respond because you have only 1 post here. Don't know you enough.

shootingstar, i think she mentioned that she uses this forum regularly, but she signed on a new name coz she doesn't want us to know exactly who she is.

assumed name, this is really sad, i agree that you should talk to the dad, since you were friends before, but i'll be careful about what i'd say about (ex)fiance's erm... sexual preferences. I think its something that should stay between your ex and yourself, and perhaps a professional.

Maybe focus on stabilising your own emotions first and then you can work on the rest. It's better this happened before you got married, give him time to figure out what he wants in his life. You can't push him to do anything. You're his potential wife, not mother.

maybe sit down and think of the things you want to tell him, and write them down, so if you meet up with him then you won't get sidetracked. you have a list to follow. I thin it'll help you.

good luck.

I feel your pain. And you are correct to have him out of the house as soon as possible. The still living together, daily routine (and bedroom time) is not good. You need to feel the end is now. It is the only way.

However, I would NOT discuss the name calling during sex. I worry it would cause more damage than good....and really damage what possible "friendship" you can maintain with him and his family.

I understand you devestation and right now you are looking at ANY reason it could be -- but no matter what the reason I don't think YOU can fix it or him. That is a hard and sad realization. I am so, so sorry for you!

I'm very sorry for what you're going through.

I emphatically agree that you should not discuss your BF's sexual or emotional issues with his parents. Short of him physically harming himself or others, these things should remain between the two of you. First of all, what he shared with you was presumably shared in private. Second, to the extent your BF has any shame about his feelings (and he probably does), you may unwittingly discourage him from seeking help. If you remain concerned about his wellbeing, then express that to him. Ultimately, however, he has to choose to get help. If you absolutely feel like you must talk about some of this with his parents, then only speak in general terms.

In my opinion, the sooner you extricate yourself from your BF's life--as painful as that may be--the better off you're going to be. I know you love him and are concerned about him, but just asking him to leave your house is just the first of many steps you're going to have to take to break up and move on. In that effort, I would encourage you to talk to a counselor or therapist. I don't want to pile onto your problems right now, but some of the choices you made in this relationship suggest to me that you could benefit from some professional guidance both in understanding what went wrong and how you can move forward into a happier and healthier future.

Peace to you.

First off, big hugs to you! Breakups are so tough, and you deserve big hugs and all my best wishes and thoughts.

Second, I agree with the other posters so far. It is not your responsibility to "help" him by telling his father intimate details or anything else. Sure, talk to him if it will make YOU feel better, but be careful about those details. That's for your ex to figure out and work on (if he wants to/eventually), not for you to push.

Focus on you and your best interests. Particularly, focus on the financial, and don't lag about it. Get the house and mortgage in your name (and your name only) asap. Same for bank accounts and other accounts. Change the locks. When you can, I'd sell the house and move away from the family. Too close for you to move on from.

And remember, this is probably a good thing, that this is happening now, before the marriage, kids, other stuff. I know it sounds hollow now, but some of us have a bit of experience in these subjects. You say you are surprised, but perhaps, as you go through the process, you will find that it perhaps was not such a surprise. Already in your post you discuss issues that bother you deeply. Ignoring them rarely works.

And just be. Feel what you feel and let yourself cry, get mad, etc. And give yourself a big hug. And don't forget to watch out for yourself first and foremost.

((((assumed name)))))

HUGS TO YOU

I agree with the other posters. Keep personal things out of conversation, right down things you want to talk about. Don't be surprised at things his dad may tell you. And you don't necessarily have to respond to anything tonight, take in the all the information and sit on it awhile.

Most importantly. Make this a learning experience. Don't beat yourself up.
This is the first day of the rest of your life. You have no where else to go but up!

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Originally Posted by assumed name

Am I wrong to think these things are abnormal?

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Um...no, but as others have said you probably don't need to discuss that with the parents.
In the end it's your call.

I'm so sorry that you're going through a break-up, especially one that ended so abruptly on your end. It's really tough to let go of the feelings for someone when you were in the middle of planning your future together. I do, however, agree that you need to let him go. I think you made the right decision on asking him to leave because it sounds like you were having a hard time setting and keeping boundaries with him.

Sometimes there is not one deal-breaking moment for a person to end a relationship. Sometimes it's a lot of little things that accumulate, but it sounds like he didn't give you a chance by not talking about the issues or asking for what he wants or needs in the relationship. While it may not be fair, he has his reasons and I suspect that the prime reason may be that he is just not ready for that level of commitment. With all the issues that you've stated he has, he doesn't sound like he would have the emotional or mental health and strength necessary to nurture a healthy marriage anyway.

I ask that you please reconsider discussing with his parents anything about your relationship with your ex-fiancée, especially about his fetishes. That is something that he needs to work through on his own, perhaps with some counseling, but it is no longer your place to voice your concerns. And your relationship with your ex is between you and he. It's not right to his parents or healthy for you to put his parents in the middle of your break-up. You need to find another source of counsel to talk about the break-up. If you wish to keep their friendship then any discussions with the ex's parents should be about you and they and how you treasure the relationship that you've fostered over the years and wish to not lose that. BUT you have to understand if they choose to support their son over you. It's not personal and they are not necessarily taking his side in the break-up over you. They may love you and be able to see their own son's faults but in the end they are HIS parents. By becoming parents they made a lifelong commitment to guide him through his life. And if what you said about him possibly being depressed is true, he is in need of their guidance.

For the time being it may be wise to not pursue a friendship right away with the ex. It sounds like you need time and distance to process your feelings. I don't think you've really had a chance to do that fully with him giving you mixed signals. It's pretty common for a lot of guys to still want all the benefits of the prior relationship without the commitment. It's a win/win situation for them. They get all the fun and wonderful things about the relationship without having to expend the energy of maintaining a real relationship. Give yourself a couple of months at least of being ex-free then decide if maintaining a friendship would be to your best interest.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck in the recovery of your broken heart.

((((((((assumed name)))))))))))

*hugs*

I think it's great that you stuck up for yourself and told him to move. He ended the relationship but still wanted the bennies. I recently broke up with my BF and by his choice we are still co-habitating (with no bennies) and it is barely tolerable on my end so I can imagine how it must be on the other side.

Anyway, dear, this seems all for the best cause it sounds like he has some issues. There is some great advice here and I agree with everyone else.

here's more hugs. Part of his growing up includes letting his parents live their own lives. That would be devastating information for them to have. If you care about them, you will keep that stuff to yourself. Let him (and his future partners) deal with it.

good luck.

I feel for you, I really do! What a heartbreaking situation :(

But as many have said - do reconsider trying to help him. Unless he's willing to help himself, no amount of pushing or pulling will do it. You can maybe hope to open his eyes to the fact that he needs help, but honestly - if the break-up of a good relationship and the loss of a good partner won't do it, I don't see what will. I don't know his issues, but to me he has serious trouble communicating properly, for one. He could be the man of your dreams, but if he can't tell you, not even when it really cracks down, what's bothering him and what he wants changed (i.e. work at actually keeping the relationship together), he'll be impossible to live with.

Maybe he can be a good friend at some point, when you're not that dependent on each other.

But be aware that you might possibly be wanting to help him, to make yourself feel better. When you're vulnerable there'e nothing like feeling "blameless and untouchable", as it were. He is actually treating you badly. You don't have to take revenge or be nasty, but there is no need to go around pretending to be friends. And being nice will not bring him back.

I really hope this doesn't sound harsh, I don't mean it that way. But it's very hard to realize what you want if you're too busy worrying about him.

I have nothing to say that has not already been said here by these sensitive and intelligent women of TE.

I just wanted to send you hugs. I left my SO of 17 years last fall and break ups are very hard. Part of what helped us through it was having time without any contact with each other. It was invaluable. Counseling was also extremely beneficial.

Take care and let us know how you're doing.

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Originally Posted by Wahine

I have nothing to say that has not already been said here by these sensitive and intelligent women of TE.

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Likewise. My best wishes to you. Please be kind to yourself.

(((((((assumedname))))))) I'm so sorry you have to be going through this. I think you've got some good advice here - nothing to add but my sympathy and support.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know your heart is breaking but sometimes the most painful experiences in our lives are the ones we grow the much from. Hugs to you dear.

BIg hugs, and another vote for NOT saying anything to his family. Two outcomes - if you ever do get back together, well, how weird will the holidays be, or it will just make his future with his family unbearable. Just like you wouldn't want him discussing your sexlife with your family, it's offlimits with his.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with everything said so far.

I want to reiterate what Tulip said. Take care of yourself financially, get those locks changed, house & stocks straightened out, etc. Who knows what is really going on in his mind - but you need to take care of YOU. You may need a therapist to help you muddle through this or a lawyer to make sure you're financially sound. Whatever it takes - get the help you need. You deserve it.

(((assumed name)))

There are many many many smart TE ladies who can help you guide yourself to the next point.

Take care

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Originally Posted by Dogmama

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with everything said so far.

I want to reiterate what Tulip said. Take care of yourself financially, get those locks changed, house & stocks straightened out, etc. Who knows what is really going on in his mind - but you need to take care of YOU. You may need a therapist to help you muddle through this or a lawyer to make sure you're financially sound. Whatever it takes - get the help you need. You deserve it.

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This is excellent advice.

Sending you lots of good karma. Be good to yourself....

Told my husband yesterday that I am moving out in 6 months.He has serious communication and mother issues too.
It hurts and it hurts like hell( I had a ten year anniversary coming up), but sometimes you just know that you have to do what you gotta do.
Never, even try to FIX someone. We, as women, try to do too much and this is just the straw that breaks the camels back.

I wish you lived near me, I would take you riding:o So I send you a big hug and a shoulder to have a weepie on and ride on, bike sister. You have done your best.

{{{{cyclegoddess}}}}}

yes, sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest. at least we know you're you; remember, "assumed name" could be ANYONE, including some warped out webtroll.

biciclista, I don't really see why that would make any difference? It doesn't bother me that I might be giving support and advice to an "impostor", apart from the fact that I *very* much doubt that "assumed name" is one. If I knew people on this board irl I might not want to post under my usual name either. Some things are easier to talk about anonymously, and as long as no-one is asking for or volunteering sensitive information I have no trouble with it.

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Originally Posted by Biciclista

{{{{cyclegoddess}}}}}

yes, sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest. at least we know you're you; remember, "assumed name" could be ANYONE, including some warped out webtroll.

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Originally Posted by lph

biciclista, I don't really see why that would make any difference? It doesn't bother me that I might be giving support and advice to an "impostor", apart from the fact that I *very* much doubt that "assumed name" is one. If I knew people on this board irl I might not want to post under my usual name either. Some things are easier to talk about anonymously, and as long as no-one is asking for or volunteering sensitive information I have no trouble with it.

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And your fearless mods/admins can usually sniff out the impostors.

Another virtual hug - you have lots of great advice to turn to here.

You can take control of your own attitudes, behavior, future etc- you really can't take care of his. I agree with seeking counseling too, to help you navigate through the tough time and help focus your priorities.

I'm so sorry you have to cope with the heartache for now, but I hope you emerge from the challenge wiser and stronger.

Sometimes break-ups bring out the worst in people, and you are fortunate to have seen this guy's hang-ups BEFORE you got married to him. You know? Not really mature material for marrying. You are better off.

Please don't discuss him with his parents. Would you want him doing that with yours?

Plus, he could have been lying about his hangups for whatever reason... just not a good idea to discuss that with the parents, IMHO. He's a big boy and entitled to his fantasies, and his privacy, for that matter. If his fantasies don't hurt anyone then let it drop. I would only notify his family if he were a danger to himself or others.

I think you've gotten some great advice here. Thinking about you!

I have nothing to add to what's been said. I'm thinking of you, tho. I can't imagine the hurt you're going through. Every day will be very hard for a while, but it WILL get easier. Hugs to you!!!

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Originally Posted by Biciclista

{{{{cyclegoddess}}}}}

yes, sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest. at least we know you're you; remember, "assumed name" could be ANYONE, including some warped out webtroll.

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Sometimes we learn by watching others. Regardless if the OP was a "webtroll" maybe there was somebody on this board going through a similar situation & they were helped. Who knows?

Personally, I felt that the original post was pretty heartfelt. And if I was going to spill stuff like that, I'd probably want to be anonymous too.

Many of us who have been here long enough knew right away who "assumed name" is. She has been here for many years. Not a troll. Don't worry.

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Originally Posted by KnottedYet

Many of us who have been here long enough knew right away who "assumed name" is. She has been here for many years. Not a troll. Don't worry.

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I must be clueless because I've been on for many years & have no idea who it is. :p Even so - no need to call names. Much better to err on the side of compassion.

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Originally Posted by KnottedYet

Many of us who have been here long enough knew right away who "assumed name" is. She has been here for many years. Not a troll. Don't worry.

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Thanks KnottedYet - I remember sharing my excitement with you about this guy years ago....

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Originally Posted by assumed name

Thanks KnottedYet - I remember sharing my excitement with you about this guy years ago....

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Yup. You and I were in a similar boat at a similar time, and I was so excited for you! Holding you in my heart, my dear. You can get past this! And you will! (((assumed name)))

(((assumed name))) and (((cyclegoddess))),

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. As someone who went through a horrible divorce 2 years ago, I know how you are feeling right now.


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get your finances in order ASAP before you do anything else... Make copies of everything, even things you may not think are important. Down the road, it may save your a$$. Assumed name, I know you were not married yet, but it sounds like you and this man were together for a while and owned a home together. I don't know where you live, but if you live in a state where "common law marriage" is recognized, you may be basically going through a "divorce" legally speaking. Get a lawyer ASAP! I cannot express enough that getting a good lawyer will help you immensely.

Good luck and please know that I am thinking about you :o

I am so sorry for what you have had to go through! I have a friend who had a similiar situation in many ways. I helped her through it. But it took a while. And they too found themselve's back in the bedroom a few time's and it did make it that much harder to deal with. My thought's are with you. Stay stronge!