Baby showers at work & not knowing

Maybe I'm forgetting about etiquette of socializiing as woman for common "girl" traditions.


Today I went to another baby shower at work. Mother to be, I know distantly but don't really socialize with her. Out of all the 15 women there, I think I and another woman didn't buy a baby shower gift. I did contribute to the luncheon food by paying my share. Invitation encouraged those to buy their own shower gift but I never got the impression it was near mandatory. I secretly hoped no one would make any remark about me not providing a gift.

THere was another baby shower about 2 months ago also for another woman. Money there was pooled to buy a few collective gifts. I did give abit of money to the pool.

In all honesty, I work for a temporary organization that will dissolve next year. I don't socialize with any of thewomen from my current workplace on weekends or after work. We're all on contract and I guess I've been with several employers, that by now, I only buy a gift personally from myself for workplace baby showers, wedding gifts, if I know the person alot. I'm more than happy to sign card and give abit of money for 1-2 collective gifts.

Otherwise, it does feel like the person ...just wants...many gifts... from strangers.

Well, just wierd me. Maybe I'm a hermit. What do you do for workplace baby showers and bridal showers in terms of gift giving, etc.?


Side note (of my klutziness?): This might sound amazing, but when my sisters had their children, as a family ..we just never did the baby shower thing at all. We each gave a baby gift individually whenever we visited the pregnant sister at home and also another gift to welcome the baby when seeing the little one for the first time at the hospital.

In our family, it is best appreciated by new mom, for family members to visit as soon as possible after the baby was born with a gift. So I never went to any baby shower for each of my 6 nieces and nephews in total. And good friendships with women I know, I gave whenever I could visit the new mother and chat up one to one. It wasn't important for me to be invited to any baby shower. So baby showers evolved ...as a rare event attended by moi. Just how life rolls along.

We don't have baby showers here so I find the whole concept a little weird. Where I work a new parent (or a newly-wed, or any other special celebration) will receive flowers "officially" from the workplace, but all other gifts are personal. Sometimes someone will start a pool and buy a larger gift, but there's no pressure to give if you don't the person well.

I work in a fairly large company and have been to a few of these events. It is very awkward when you do not know the person well. Someone in our co. starts a card around and they either take up a collection for the mom-to-be or they host a baby shower on premises. I will pitch in if I know the person or the circumstances (we have had cases where the family needs help with expenses). But I would prefer to give an individual gift to someone I know. I was the recipient of a shower when I adopted my dog a few years ago. My co-workers had ordered an “It’s A Girl!” cake and had wrapped up all kinds of puppy toys and gifts. It was kinda cool - but since I am childless, I guess they felt my puppy was the closest I would get to having a real kid!

A baby shower is for "showering" the parents with things they need for the new baby. Same with a bridal shower. (And don't go there about showering the bride with gifts for the baby! I know you guys...) If you don't know the person well, you aren't obligated to go. I had them, I've given/gone to many and enjoy them. Usually it's someone I was going to "gift" anyway.

We are a small company and have them which doesn't bother me but I buy small. There is one next week for a girl I know to the extent of hellos in coffee bar, hall or bathroom. I will probably get something practical like diapers or wipes because they are relatively cheap and always necessary. In some parts of the US you only have a shower for the first. This is her second but it is a different gender from the first.

I despise bridal and baby showers. I'll even avoid family ones if possible. For the work ones, I'll contribute a small amount to a group gift if I don't know the person well. If the person is a friend of mine, I'll contribute more and I'll go to the party.

Miss Manners has had quite a bit to say on the subject. I was looking for the columns where she talks about people being greedy and trying to get what they can but that might be the bridal shower topic. This is the best I could come up with. ;)

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Dear Miss Manners,
I have a question about a situation at work. I am an elementary school teacher at a large school. We have over 60 teachers on staff.

With so many teachers, we frequently have wedding showers or baby showers. My grade level passes around an envelope and expects everyone to contribute a predetermined amount. Most of the time, I do not know the person that the gift is for. My husband and I are very much living on a budget, as I am putting him through graduate school right now.

So far, I have simply said that we live on a budget, and I didn't feel I could afford to contribute anything, especially since I did not know the person. What do you suggest I say if anyone objects to this or makes a big deal of it? There have been numerous requests for money already.

Gentle Reader,
This sort of thing is a hazard of the modern work place, but it is difficult for the individual to quash. When you very sensibly refuse to contribute to a present you can't afford for someone you don't even know -- or, for that matter, anyone with whom you do not have a personal friendship -- you look mean.

But Miss Manners assures that there are others who feel as you do. Group action is required. Choose a time when no such events are looming, and suggest to your colleagues that there ought to be a policy regarding celebrations -- that they be confined to personal friends, for example, or that they be recognized by a card that everyone signs.

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I also despise these things. Especially the work ones. However, at my last school, we had fun mixed gender showers for the engaged couples or new parents. Since it was a small school, I either contributed to a group gift or gave on my own, if I knew the person well.
What I object to is the silly "girlish" games and stuff of that sort. If it's just a party to socialize, it's not so bad.

I believe that baby showers and wedding showers have no place at work. If someone wants to organize one for a colleague--fine, but as a private event. When I worked in a place that did these things, I would take the envelope and pass it to the next person.

Well, imagine the "feel" of having at a baby shower at a construction site. That's where I am.

And some of the guys (much younger guys) are old school in their line of thinking..leave anything to do with children to the women. Very strong among ....still with the German young guys direct from Germany.

As a post-observation, about 2-3 hrs. after the shower event, one of the managers stuffed himself with a pillow, etc. and was going to visit and "apologize"-joke to the pregnant employee he couldn't be there at the shower.. (He himself is a father of 2-- 17 and 9 yrs.)

I wasn't around to witness the woman's response..by that time I was walking down the hall back to my office but I did shoot him a bewildered look on my face.

In our organization the women who have non-clerical roles, and work in technical /professional positions...not many...do not have children. So read the sub-text here..what happens in the minds of some old-school men on the potential and skills of women, as soon as woman gets pregnant.

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So read the sub-text here..what happens in the minds of some old-school men on the potential and skills of women, as soon as woman gets pregnant.

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That would be THEIR problem, not that of the pregnant woman. In the States, it is illegal to discriminate against a woman for being pregnant or being a woman who could get pregnant. How ever "old-school men" feel about it is irrelevant. Until a workplace sets a policy against baby showers and other such things at work, then people are free to think what they like. If those "old-school men" choose to ACT on those thoughts, that's another matter entirely.

Karen

I work for a large company with a 1:7 ratio of women to men. So we don't have baby showers here THANK GOODNESS. They did, however have a baby POOL for me when I had my second son. Everyone bet on when exactly my son would be born. I WON!
:D

I don't feel the need to contribute to people's collections unless I want to.
This whole shower thing is out of control. My son's new wife had 3 bridal showers! eeek!

The other day I'm in line at Superstore, a big, Costco-inspired grocery store - I go there about three times a year! - and the two women ahead of me are checking out with 40 to 50 assorted 2L bottles of pop... and a 4L container of vinegar. I though it was funny so I asked what they were going to do with that, she said: "Oh, we're having a baby shower for my daughter." She proceeded to explain there would be 200 guests. I still can't wrap my head around that.

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Baby and wedding were a very foreign thing to me as well. I still haven't quite adapted, despite attending three baby showers in the last there months and going through my own wedding shower. I participated in the latter as graciously as I could because I knew the organizers did it as a very kind gesture to me. I'm also happy to do the baby showers for women that I befriend, although I much prefer when they have both women and men as guests. I'm not super keen on the games and things like that, but I love socializing, and, in my book, every excuse is good to celebrate.

Two of the baby showers were reasonable affairs. A bit of eating, a bit of drinking (I had a beer with the father!) and a few nice gifts. One of them was so over-the-top it made me really uneasy. There were about 40 women there and everyone gave pretty big gifts. All that consumption and wrapping paper etc. bothered me a little. On the other hand, I know that the women there were celebrating, in their own way, the arrival of a new member of the community. (It was great that it was after the baby was born, so the cutie was passed around and met a lot of people, too.)

When invited, I try to partake as a "participant observer." I do ethnography for a living, after all. When my partner and I have children, I know there will most likely be a shower organized. So be it. I'll be thankful, and not worry too much if things are not going my way for once.

I totally agree that you should not feel like you have to participate if you're not interested and/or don't know this person too well. But I also understand that you would feel a bit funny about if you didn't. If it was me, I think I would bring just a small gift (it's still possible to find something decent for $10) and attend the event just to get a taste of English Canadian West Coast culture.

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Originally Posted by Grog

The other day I'm in line at Superstore, a big, Costco-inspired grocery store - I go there about three times a year! - and the two women ahead of me are checking out with 40 to 50 assorted 2L bottles of pop... and a 4L container of vinegar. I though it was funny so I asked what they were going to do with that, she said: "Oh, we're having a baby shower for my daughter." She proceeded to explain there would be 200 guests. I still can't wrap my head around that.

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WOW, just wow!

Well, a cousin of mine had a baby shower..after the baby was born. They invited relatives and some friends to a Chinese restaurant where we did have a multi-course meal.. There must have been at least 50 guests and big presents. They didn't open the presents there in restaurant. That's not the etiquette anyway for big hosted dinners in a restaurant.

It was the first son for that family, but there was already an older daughter. There wasn't a celebration on the same scale for her.

Yep, that preference-for-sons crappola still hangs abit in minds of certain older Chinese generation.

The shower that I just went to..the parents knew the gender of their baby/fetus. Sorry, I don't buy that foreknowledge of the baby's gender at all before birth. Someone made the joke it's nice to know what gender you are buying for in advance. How ridiculous.

Gender preference of baby, has caused much unwanted pain in centuries of Chinese culture. (including as some of you know, abandoned baby girls and girl infanticide by rare, but real ignorant parent.).

None of my sisters asked nor wanted to know the gender of their babies in advance. Sorry, got off topic.

I work for Uncle Sam, so there's a concerted efforted to stick to the rules. But within our section, we have had baby showers for coworkers. We've either done a collection for a group gift or bought individual gifts. Seems monthly there are envelopes going around for something - funerals, retirements, someone in the hospital, baby showers. It's up to you to sign the card or donate or not. Sometimes I've been surprised on the routing slip for the cards (of course there's a routing slip, it's government!), but if I don't know the person, I cross my name off, and send it on it's way.

Not to be confusing. Within our immediate working group we've done showers, going away luncheons, birthday parties and such. Join or not, no one seems to get their noses out of joint. Our section is part of a department, and that's where some of the mystery person routing cards come from (funerals, retirements, illness).

I agree with saving the gender of the baby until the birth! It kind of takes all the fun out of the birth for me, if I know what it is ahead of time. What are we waiting at the hospital to find out then? Its birth weight?? Who cares, as long as it's healthy and full-term! We don't usually get to see it on their birth day around here anyway.

That said, we do know that the baby in my DIL's womb is a boy, and it's CONVENIENT to know what color socks to knit. We know his name, too. But it would have been okay to wait.

Karen