When to go to a funeral?

I'm debating whether to go to a funeral tomorrow or not.

Last Tuesday we were told, at work, that a co-worker had been "found dead". None of us knew him well, but a few of us worked with him a couple of times a year, he was one of the computer support staff and as such everybody knew his face, at least. We have 300 employees or so. He was 39 and left a wife and two small kids. Not outgoing, a bit brusque, but a very competent fix-it guy.

As we feared and suspected, it turns out he committed suicide. As far as I know it was solely connected to personal problems at home. The family have expressed that all colleagues are welcome at the funeral.

One part of me wants to go. I feel so sad that he chose suicide, and upset that I could pass him several times a week and have no clue about what he was feeling, and I feel a need to show the family and others that many of us here feel that way. He was my age, and I have an inkling of what it feels like to be that depressed, and also how it feels to lose someone that age. On the other hand I barely knew him, I'm not sure he even knew my name, and I know I'll be shattered at the funeral. I'm the emotional type who goes to pieces in sad situations. And I may just maybe be indulging my melancholy side, when I really don't need to.

So - what would you do? It's hard to "do what I feel is right" when I'm not sure what I feel, or why.

I think it's never the wrong thing to attend a service like this, even if it's only to show the family that he was known and appreciated at work. You don't have to have been a close friend to do that. OTOH, I'd probably stay close to the back so you can escape if you start to fall apart, and I would only attend the main funeral and not any graveside service (if there is one) or social gathering afterwards.

Sarah

{the following is stated from my perspective as a pastor--take it for what you will from there}

Funerals are for the family and friends to have some form of closure by remembering/honoring/celebrating a person's life and to proclaim the hope of resurrection in the midst of a physical death/loss (if people of faith). It is also a time to show support for the family/friends by your presence, even if not by words. If you feel your presence would be such a support, then go. Otherwise, I'd say its ok to skip it. I also second the "main" funeral attendance only as well.

I would go to show support to the family. Suicide is a very tragic and hard to understand event, my brother's friend chose that route. Many years later his sister said it meant so much to his family that her brother had so many people who cared enough to come to the funeral, she just wishes he had been able look harder when he was here. So I vote go to the service because it is a nice gesture that may help his family but don't feel obligated to do anymore.

Although it may be too late right now, there is always visitation. Family doesn't always realize who is present during a funeral, but reviewing the guest register later will appreciate the people who came to express support.

Cards are also a good option.

Yes. Go. Fall apart if you must. Funerals are about the only place you can weep openly and not be ridiculed. Invite a co-worker to go with you, and pay your respects to the widow together. Maybe reading this page will help:

http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/help_heal.shtml

Karen

Lph - I regret not going to a co-worker's funeral - it was a scheduling conflict, not really a choice on my part. Fortunately many from our office were able to go and it was appreciated by his family. There's also the closure aspect that Squirrell discussed. So if it isn't too late, if I was in your shoes, I'd go to the funeral service, and sign the guest book.

But I don't like doing visitations, nor do I like open-casket funerals. I'd like to remember the deceased as a living vibrant person. I really don't need to acknowledge that they're now dead. I'd much rather see a flag / flower drapped coffin and a photograph.

A few of my co-workers braved a blizzard to come to my dads wake last January, it was greatly appreciated.

If you think this would be too overwhelming, don't go. I have sent flowers to grieving family members before. I don't know if people do that where you live.

I agree with those that suggest you go to the funeral.
Regardless of how this person died, I think the important part is that his family have lost someone very important to them. Your show of support by being there will be appreciated.
Also wouldn't be concerned about falling apart - it's an honest emotion that is as much a part of grieving as celebrating a person's life is.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Tuckervill

Yes. Go. Fall apart if you must. Funerals are about the only place you can weep openly and not be ridiculed.

---

I felt compelled to respond to this, because it seems odd to me that one would be ridiculed for crying/weeping openly. If anything, people will be concerned, but I don't think people will ridicule.

When I lost my dog in October, I often went for walks just to get fresh air, but would inevitably end up crying at some point. Not like I was wailing, but I would be walking around with a wad of tissue and red eyes and I have been asked more than once if I was okay.

Anyways, I'm not picking on you or anything, but I think times have changed that people are a lot more sensitive to emotions, and other than children who don't know better, I doubt anybody would ever ridicule anyone for crying.

yes I would go with a box of tissue.

To a family, your presence is greatly appreciated and know that others cared about him as well. I attemded a funeral for my co-worker's son. He died of overdose. I was one of the few from work. His wife and my co-worker were very touched by those who had gone to their son's funeral.

Sincerely,
smilingcat

It sounds like you should go.

Falling apart - you should possibly do it in moderation.

At my father's funeral, my siblings and I sort of were all lined up - my sister was crying so, my brother had his arm around her - one of my sister's coworkers ran up - shoved my brother out of the way and held my sister and bawled with her.

While it was probably great for my sister, the rest of us were fairly boggled since we knew that that coworker had never even met our father and the bawling seemed a bit overdone given that.

Hi folks - thank you for all of your thoughts on this. I really appreciate it. I've thought things through a bit more, with your help, and am 90 % sure that I am not going to attend. All his close colleagues and the people who worked directly with him will be going, so there will be no lack of support from our workplace. One woman who worked a bit with him is also a close colleague of mine, I may go if she wants me to, to share things with her.

I feel that I'm reacting more to the situation as such, which is tragic indeed, and the elements that I identify with, than with the loss of him as a person, if that makes sense. He was basically a stranger to me. So I think I'd be going for the wrong reasons. And yes, I would fall apart. There is no way on God's earth I can keep from crying once I need to. Not loudly, but uncontrollably.

I'll probably follow another friend's suggestion, and light a candle at work and keep it burning through the day. And I'll ask our boss to make sure to mention him in his pre-Christmas speech next week.

Thanks again!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lph

I feel that I'm reacting more to the situation...and the elements that I identify with, than with the loss of him as a person, if that makes sense.

---

I KNOW exactly what you mean and I think that it's very important that you realize it. I think your conclusion is spot on for your circumstance and I applaud the thought and consideration that you gave to this.:)

I do applaud what squirell said, but it's hard to minister to someone you don't know.

I don't have anything directly on point to add to what's already been said. But I have to respond to what you said about "going to pieces." I get VERY triggered at funerals. I felt EXTREMELY inappropriate at the funeral of my ex-husband's grandmother whom I barely knew, crying more than anyone else there including her daughter, my then mother-in-law; or at the funeral of a former boss, crying more than anybody including his young widow. I just couldn't help myself. After that, I decided I'd resort to chemical aids :(. Funerals are the only time I drug myself to numb up these days, but I believe it's best for all concerned if I do.

Thank you OakLeaf. That's just the kind of reaction I'm talking about.