totally off topic...but

I know you all can help! I have a friend who is very sick right now with MS, and is also a very private person who rarely accepts help. I was wondering
if you were a friend what would you do?? I am thinking about getting in my car driving over with cookies etc. for her kids, or finding something good for her to read and bring that over...but I hate to intrude. I have bored Sadie with my dilemma, but now I need some of your wise wisdom. I care very deeply for this person and feel helpless cheering from the sidelines...

karen

I like the cookie idea. Would she object if you showed up with dinner? A book or movie would be nice too.

What would happen if you explained that you understand she is a private person, and wants to deal with everything on her own. But, she doesn't have to, and if there is anything you can do for her, you will do it.

No, you haven't bored me! I just told my friend that you were entertained with our suggestion. She was very happy to hear it cheered you a bit.

I would love to hear everyone's suggestions. This is a very creative group.

thanks sadie...

I was thinking of slapping a tatoo on tomorrow and going over and showing her that...might get a giggle...

karen

I don't think it is off topic at all. What symptoms are exacerbated right now? MS affects so much of the body: cognitive, muscular, occular, bowel/bladder control, sensory dysfunction, pain, fatigue, and more. It is such a hideous disease.

I guess if you view your actions as being uplifting rather than helpful perhaps she won't feel so much out of control. Not having MS, I can only imagine that her frustration is not so much as being private but that if she accepts help it will be just one more thing she has lost control of. Does that make any sense at all? I'm not sure if it does. And it might not apply to your friend, I'm just thinking how I'd feel if I were her.

Cookies for the kids are great. If you fix a dinner you might want to do a casserole that can be frozen and pulled out when she wants it, rather than having it ready right then and there and run the risk that she already had supper planned.

Books and movies are good, but if her vision is distorted, as it can get during exacerbations an audio book might be better.

Truly, I feel your frustration because as I read your post I thought 'what would I do?" and the answers just didn't come very easy. It is a very tricky thing to try and help someone who is trying their hardest to remain independent and keep their privacy.

Many prayers and hugs sent your way to both of you and her family.

P.S. I am a big believer in laughter. The tattoo idea is cute and hopefully will make her laugh.

A need for privacy can hide depression - she may not be able to respond to all your help the way she'd like to right now but don't be discouraged - keep up with your efforts to make contact with her on a regular basis. Sometimes the normal social rules don't apply in cases like this. Your visits will be something she can grow to accept, appreciate and need over time. I'm speaking as a private person who has been glad that friends were relentless in their loving attention when I was also feeling down. So cookies, offers to ferry the kids around, girlfriend stuff sounds good! :)

I can't imagine the path your friend has to travel down but I am sure having good friends that she can count on will make the burden that much lighter. My advice would be to sharpen up those listening skills - having someone that she can sound off to without worrying *what you will think* will be a tremendous help.

It is always difficult to accept help from friends knowing that you will never be able to repay in kind - fixing dinner, taking the kids to the library giving your friend a chance to spend some time alone will be very welcome. If you find a card that brings you a good belly laugh - send it off to your friend just to let her know you're thinking of her.

Does she like to bike? If not, maybe you can find a bike she can use for a few low key rides.

Having a family member and two good friends with MS I know how difficult the first few months after a diagnosis can be. I hope you'll keep us posted on how she is doing.

When a friend of mine is in a jam for whatever reason, I ask them what is the one thing that needs doing that is driving them crazy. Mop the kitchen floor? Take out the recycling? Since she has kids...how about a few loads of laundry? Does she love to garden but hasn't had the energy this spring? Plant a pot of flowers for her she can see from her favorite perch and keep it watered for her. Once she feels comfortable with one nice gesture, she may decide help isn't such a bad thing.

You are a good friend to be so concerned. We all need friends like you!

-beth

There are two types of friends. Those that ask for help, and those that give help when it wasn't asked for.
A friend of mine just had to take in her grandchildren,and while she would never ask for help, I felt I had to do something. She doesn't know how she'll afford the extra expenses of raising these kids, so I just drove to her house, handed her an envelope with some cash, told her it wasn't for her, it was for the kids, hugged her, and left. Don't think about how she'll feel about the help, just help. If you disguise it as help for her kids, she might be more open to it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by massbikebabe

I was thinking of slapping a tatoo on tomorrow and going over and showing her that...might get a giggle...

karen

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Take a tattoo over to her also, maybe hold off on putting yours on until you get there - something light and fun she can share with you.

Just knowing that you're there will mean more to her than anything you bring/cook even if she can't express that to you. Does she have a favorite coffee or coffe shop?? Pick up a coffee for the both of you. How old are the kids??.....if old enough, maybe Take her out for some coffee...get her out of the house for awhile. Let us know how it goes - keeping you both in my thoughts!

I definitely support the suggestions of seeing what she needs done, and then helping her. You could probably recruit 4-5 mutual friends and their spouses to come in and help do a Tornado of Cleaning in her house. Depending on where she is in her disease, she may not have the physical strength or energy to do a lot of cleaning and maintenance around the house anymore. You could watch her kids while your friends work on doing some of the deep cleaning kind of things while she gets out of the house for errands or maybe takes a trip to get a manicure or something. You could put the guys outside mowing the lawn and doing "Honey Do" things around the house. Then when she comes home, she has a sparkling clean house. And she doesn't feel so bad watching people do work she feels she should do.

If she really just insists on not having you help, maybe you and your friends could pitch in and give her a gift certificate to a maid service or carpet cleaning service or lawnmowing service.

I'm very sorry to hear about your friend.

I'm not sure how sick she is -- is she bedridden for the timebeing? If so, sometimes just having a visitor can be a very good thing. And sometimes they most appreciate a visitor who doesn't say a lot. That way, they can sleep if they want, but know that someone's there.

Maybe you could bring some movies, books, or an mp3 player with her favorite music on it that would help to pass the time?

Does your friend have a family that's helping to take care of her? If so, sometimes they need a break, or they just need someone to listen.

Dinner/food is often appreciated, but if they've already been getting food from people, it can be stressful trying to fit the new food in the refrigerator. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you should probably ask first.

Maybe your friend would like to write notes or write out bills but can't do it right now because of physical difficulties. Never underestimate the value of a pair of good steady hands!

Just a few thoughts. Hope your friend is doing better.

-- Melissa

Tell her that there is a whole forum of women cyclists that are sending their good thoughts and best wishes her way!! Never underestimate the power of the TE board! :)

With any huge change in life like this people go through the same stages of grief... anger, denial, sadness, blame, depression, acceptance... and there is no set order, and you may go through these stages more than once.

Your friend, her family, or you yourself may find yourself in any of these stages.

The most important thing for her is that you act as normal as possible. Talk about her MS, be matter of fact and don't avoid conversations about normal or factual things. The other thing people do is cry, and think thats not ok... but sometimes its just fine. probably not useful if everytime you see her you burst into tears :rolleyes: but if you cry with her occasionally, its probably what she needs.

Listen to your heart - if it says cookies... or a movie... or show her the tattoo... then thats what you do...

Be the friend you would want her to be for you - its easy, really
Much aroha and awhi-awhi from Aotearoa

Karen, just thinking of you and your friend. Let us know how it goes. I know the anguish and confusion you must be feeling. The first step to a new place in a friendship is always the hardest. Tell her the Ladies' Mutual Admiration and Support Society is rooting for her.

SK

Quote:

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Originally Posted by RoadRaven

The most important thing for her is that you act as normal as possible. Talk about her MS, be matter of fact and don't avoid conversations about normal or factual things. The other thing people do is cry, and think thats not ok... but sometimes its just fine. probably not useful if everytime you see her you burst into tears :rolleyes: but if you cry with her occasionally, its probably what she needs.

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Good advice, RoadRaven. The friends that greet me with a tear in their eye and ask how I'm feeling in a tone of voice that makes it clear they're asking about the MS rather than just the general "how ya doing" drives me bonkers. Makes me think about the MS when I'd rather tell them about strong I feel from the TE Girl's hill training program and the wildflowers I saw over the weekend. For goodness sakes, I'm in better shape than most of them and I plan on staying that way. I don't want hide that I have it because I deal with the reality better if it is part of normal conversation, but I can't deal with hand-wringing either. Thanks for the words of wisdom (now, can you call my neighbor and tell her this?) :)

you guys are the best!!!

I am going to pack up a goodie bag and head over there on my day off next week, (which is Tuesday). I am sure the "healing powers" of TE will help her immensly, (I know it does me). Her MS right now has significantly effected her ability to walk, which is something I know she does not want to give up no way no how. I think that she is afraid once she gives up something it is gone forever...and that may be true in this case. BUT, I make the best italian cookies, and choc. chippers so I am going to whip up several batches and bring them to her. I know that I could be dead on the couch but if there is cookies in the house my kids are good, and I am sure her 15 and 12
year old boys will be too!! :) I just want her to know that if pulling the moon out of the sky would cure her MS, I'd start on the ladder right now!!

karen

Shes lucky to have a friend like you
I had an off-the-wall, silly, unserious idea as I read your post about her not wanting to give up biking... but if she has a sense of humour you should suggest/ play-threaten her with something like this if she has a down day...

Line up your cookies round the house and make her walk to get em --- kindve a chocolate MS treasure hunt...

Enjoy being with your friend tomorrow... I'm sre she'll love seeing you

I didn't go today...

No I didn't chicken out...I called ahead and she feels to sick to be social. The steroids they have going are making her feel lousy. :(
I'll keep trying, and in the meantime I am shopping for cards, flowers, etc. etc.

karen

Darn! Did she sound like she would have accepted company otherwise? I'm just hoping depression isn't also taking over.

Sadie:

I don't think she would have liked the company at this point. When I talked with her yesterday she was very, very, low...so I have been bombing her inbox with humorous e-mails all day...

karen

Maybe you could serenade her from outside her window.

uhm Sadie...

you have never heard my less-then-perfect wobbling, plus the only songs
I know all the words to are dirty... :eek: Although I used to rock my kids to the song Ripple by the Grateful Dead...

karen

Isn't the point to make her laugh? Sounds like you could!

PS - post your joke to the humor section.

:D Please tell me you sent her the waxing thread!!!!! :D

Karen, how did it go? Have you seen her? I've been thinking about both of you.

Also, I can't find your name on the GreatMass whatever ride! What's the scoop? You going under a different name?

Sadie;

I am going to have to call her tomorrow because she has not returned my e-mails, etc. Usually a bad sign when I don't hear.

As far as the MS ride goes we have not officially signed on yet, and do not think we are going to be able to. My son has goofed off in school and may end up in summer school for failing english. The only way to this boys brain is through his bike so we may use the ultimate in guilt trip...so sad we can't do the ride, if only you had studied, gee those folks could really use your help...etc. I know him, he's just like his mother, if I push his buttons it may strengthen his resolve to do better.

I'll pm you if I get to speak to her this weekend.

karen

Oh no! I'm sorry to hear on both counts. Tell goofboy I was all ready to send a little donation his way. :(

Please do keep me up to date. I was hoping when I came home I'd find some good news from you.

First off you're a great friend to care so much. A lot of people get weirded out by people who are sick, so kudos to you. I don't have MS but I have crohn's disease, which is a chronic incurable illness that has varying levels of impact on your life. So I hope I can shed some light on what it's like (at least for me) to deal with that. I think a lot of people who have a chronic illness worry that they're going to be a burden, and if you friend was pretty autonomous before she got MS, accepting the disease and the limitations it can cause is probably pretty hard. It's really difficult to go from I can do everything myself to asking for help. I know I'm stubborn about things, and probably border on stupid when it comes to admitting I may just need to slow down and not do everything.

You got great advice about discussing the MS with her. Don't force the discussion obviously, but for me anyway it's nice to have people ask me about crohn's. I don't usually go too in depth, but I appreciate the interest. Again, I always worry about if I'm being too graphic or talking about a depressing topic too much. So while we want to share our story with our friends, we worry that we might scare them/bore them/etc. You never want to turn into "that friend" that's always whining or asking for favors. Again, speaking from my experience here. Everyone's different.

Has she checked into support groups at all? Even an online discussion board can work wonders. If she's up to it of course. It's nice to be able to talk to other people who share the same illness and learn from them. Anyway, to sum it up you just being there for her is huge. She may get frustrated and try to not let you help, but understand it's nothing personal. Being open minded and flexible will help her understand you're not just there for a pity party that will eventually lapse, but you're just there to be her friend and help her when she needs it.

On an aside, I'm doing the MS150 in IL this year. I'll put in a few miles for your friend :)

I don't really have much to add to what others have said, except to emphasize that you may need to go over even if she's "not feeling up to it" if she's withdrawing. It could be depression, or grief, or physical illness that are causing her to become withdrawn, but no matter what it is, this is when she needs you most.

I had a really rough time with depression once and really withdrew from my friends. I have a special place in my heart for the friend who just kept showing up. I felt incapable of connecting with other people, making the effort to be social, etc. and at the same time I felt very abandoned by my friends. One of my friends just wouldn't let me go - she would come to my place to show me something she was knitting (we've always been knitting pals), or to "visit a friend" who lived in my house, or just because she hadn't seen me in a while. She didn't abandon me. She didn't have any expectations of me - we could knit together, or talk, or just sit, or whatever - and I always knew I had a friend who cared. I really can't overstate how much her steadfast friendship helped me.