Hi everyone I am new here

Just like to firstly say what a great place this is, i have been here reading advice for a few weeks and what i have read has helped me no end, so thank you all for that.
To introduce myself, i am female and fast approaching half a centry:eek::eek:
My partner took up cycling around 18 months or so ago to loose weight and keep fit. I started around 6 months ago at his request and thought i would hate it but to my astonishment i loved it although the first time i rode a mile i thought i was going to die, and when i got home i wished i did, everything hurt. Now i am looking for some of your thoughts. partner and i thought taking up cycling together would be a good thing but it seems to be bringing us problems that we seem unable to agree on. He has riden in severl sportives over the last year completing them all, we are both signed up to do one in a month or so but he is trying to put me off riding a 60 mile one with him, he is much faster than i am and sometimes gets fustrated with me which leads to him riding in front of me so basically we are riding alone, he thinks i will not be able to keep up with him which is probably true but i think i would be able to complete the distance in the alloted time but nearer the end of the time rather than the beginning, i would like him to support me and ride with me how ever long it takes me. Now i know the times will be displayed on a web page for all to see and he might feel embarassed by his time but i still feel he should support me, we seem to be stuck at the moment with this so any ideas thoughts i would appreciate, i can ride 50 miles no prob but perhaps not as quick as he would.
thanks
great site
furry duck:o

That's a tough issue that many of us deal with (sometimes it's reversed, too). I'm much slower than my DH.

We usually ride separately - which doesn't bother me. He can be on the grumpy side when riding at my pace (he says he isn't - I say it is), and I can't keep up with him. He'll make comments to himself after climbing a hill like "that was easy" - he doesn't mean for them to be hurtful as I huff and puff, but they are. So, to keep peace, it's usually solo for us. Sometimes we do shorter rides where he'll ride with me. We also bought a tandem - which comes with its own set of issues (cadence, not feeling like you're putting forth enough effort, etc).

Could you ride part of the ride together, and then let him take off? If you can comfortably ride 50, you'll have no problem with 60.

CA

Welcome to cycling!

Perhaps riding together is giving you an opportunity to witness some dynamics that probably exist throughout your relationship, maybe in more subtle form. Maybe you can both take a loving look at how the two of you interact. In the meantime, if riding together is stressful, or if he's putting you off, then by all means, ride alone.

I started out always MTBing with my husband; I found that riding alone can be much more rewarding for me. We still ride together sometimes, but it's not the default mode. For MTB, I do try to stick to familiar trails where I anticipate other people being around, just in case something happens.

I suggest you work out a compromise where you two sometimes ride together and sometimes ride on your own. That works well when two people don't ride at the same speed. Think of it as a pleasant thing that adds variety to riding.

WElcome to TE! if his finishing time on this event is really important to him, maybe you could find someone else to ride with?
There's a ride that my husband and i did last year... he stayed with me for the ride.. next year he wants to do it alone to see how fast he can finish. And I can really appreciate that.
He shouldn't ALWAYS have to ride at my speed, but then
sometimes, if he wants me to ride with him, he MUST ride my speed, because I'm never going to be as fast as he is..

And then there are tandem bikes :cool:

If you can find some other riding buddies, you might find it fun and less stressful.

Or you could get a tandem.

Welcome to the board. I don't have much advise for your riding with your partner, other than go at your own pace, make your self comfortable, and ride safe and be happy. ;)

Well what can i say but thank you all for words of wisdom and support,much appreciated and taken on board.

I understand the male thing of wanting to ride faster etc but i guess i would have never started cycling if partner didnt want company to ride with, but i must say i am glad i did even if i am in a predicament at the moment because i just love to cycle and i am hooked:D

I have put out sos's on the forum board of the ride i am signed up for asking if there was anyone there in same position as me and a bit slow at the moment who would like to ride together for company on the sportive, i have had a reply so far from a male, i somehow think that would not go down that well with my other half, but i also got lots of support from many others there, as i hav here which is great. One person said just go for it doesnt matter how long it takes me to finish but think of the satisfation i would have at the end, but i am scared to ride on my own at this stage so might sit this one out. But i will keep you all informed of progress any more ideas or thoughts pass them on.
Furry Duck:)

Don't sit it out!! If it's anything like organized rides here, there will be LOTS of people, some of whom will invariably be your speed:) On my MS ride, I was actually wishing to ride ALONE for a little while.

CA

So, Furry Duck: I'm going to be the devil's advocate - What is scary about riding this sportive without your DH?

You've already said you can complete the ride - and if you didn't, he would not be able to ride you on your handlebars, so riding with him would do you no good.

Do you know how to change a flat tire? If so, you are fine there. And, if you cannot, learn, it is not that hard!

Usually you will find people who ride about your speed and you can talk to them to keep you company. If not, you can have a nice quiet all alone kind of ride where you can think about everything and anything.

GO DO THE RIDE! It would be a horrible shame to let a small fear ruin your accomplishment and think of the fun you will have!

I'm sure you will do great

spoke

:)Keeping all you nice people up to date as i promised, i have thought in great detail about all your comments and advice with i great appreciated. yes i believe there may well be relationship issues that have come to light since we started trying to cycle together but how on earth they are addressed i have no idea. My partner has been suffering from a psychiatric illness for the last 6-9 months and i guess that has not helped things at all. I am hoping he is on the road to recovery now.
We went on a cycle ride together at the weekend only 38 miles but it was one of the most horrendous rides i have been on with him apart from when he left me in the middle of nowhere. he was constantly shouting at me and by the time i came to the first big climb i already thought i could not do it so got off and walked up it which made him even worse, it was a comlete disaster and i have now made the decision not to ride again with him not even on the sportive we were doing together. He told me at the weekend yet again that i would not even do it and yes he would ride with me but the very first time i stopped he would be pulling out of it. I have no confidence now that i can do it even if i did i tried to do it alone or with someone else, so i shall be bowing out of this one. I guess i was also scared to ride on my own because i am not mechanically minded but have bought one of those can that repair puncture and blow up your tire at the same time so i might venture out on my own. He has since told me he will ride with me and wont shout or go off and leave me and he will go at my pace but i dont trust him now and really dont want to ride with him. I shall be on the lookout for female riders in my area who might like to join me on cycle rides for pleasure not for racing.
Thank you all for your support you have been great and made me examine things and think about them
Furry Duck :)

Dear Furryduck from what you're telling me you'll have more fun if he does leave you behind. Then you don't have to worry about pleasing him; you just go at your own pace. And there's absolutely nothing about walking up a hill, I've done it too.
I agree, it sounds like your BF has some serious issues, I don't blame you if you dont' want to ride with him. I wouldn't!

why would he yell at you just because you weren't fast enough? that's just not right.

Kudos to you for holding your ground and realizing that it puts *both* of you in an impossible position to expect to ride together and keep it positive. At least with the dynamics as they are now, it ain't gonna happen.
Now you want to find ways to build back your confidence because it has been artificially damaged. Find a way to get out and ride and build up strength and endurance and confidence even if it's oh, a 4 mile circle around your house. (I just went and rode 2 laps around work - 1.5 miles each - just to get outside and clear my head and get warm 'cause the air conditioning has kicked in here!
(Can't give advice on relationships except for not setting up disasters... I'm a singleton ;) )

Furry Duck - sorry you decided not to do the sportive, but you have time to get better on your own or with someone who you will find to ride with. Please get out there and find a club and/or bike shop that can help you with getting started and finding riding partners.

I wish I lived in England. I'd come and ride that sportive with you.

spoke

For your kind words, i am going to try and get my confidence back by riding on my own short distances for a while, and then try and build on that. I wish you lived here to as that would have been great to have ridden with you. there is not many females around my area that ride, the ones that ride wide with their partners so i wouldnt expect them to have me tag along. A friend of mine said she would like to ride with me but she rides a mountain bike and would not like to ride on the road or cover any distance but i said i would ride the trail with her sometime if she wanted to.
Furry Duck

+1 to what everyone else has said. Believe in yourself! The pace you ride is the pace you ride, it's not "good" or "bad." Sending you confidence-building thoughts and hoping that soon you either find someone supportive to ride with, or find great joy in riding solo.

Another confidence builder will be for you to learn to fix a flat tire. Those sealant/inflater cans leave a gooey mess - a waste of a perfectly repairable tube. Plus, it's a lot to carry, and one use only. Fixing a flat is easy once you learn how.

Sorry to hear that relationship dynamics have hurt your enjoyment of cycling.

Maybe you could start a cycling club in your area? Finding others who you can learn with/from might be helpful.

Furryduck - any chance of organized rides? As much as I'd like to keep up with the fast boys, I can't, but I have made riding friends on organized rides - that have my pace for the most part. All of us have good days and bad days, but we also have our pretty standard happy pace that we'll naturally fall into. There's pushing yourself to go a bit faster, and then there's killing yourself. I find chasing someone in a pace line makes me train harder than if I ride solo. I just don't have the personal drive to push hard solo for any great distance.

The reality is that riders have their own natural pace, which can be improved, especially if you haven't been riding for a while. But, I'll never be able to ride as fast as some riders, and I can live with that. If you pace and your partner's pace is significantly different, then riding separate is probably for the best.

You want to have fun riding, if it stops being fun, then it's hard to go back out there.

Hi FurryDuck!
Where in England are you? I live in Essex, near Colchester. If you are anywhere within reach of me, I'd be happy to join you for a ride or two. And I'm veeeery slow! I ride alone most of the time, but am always happy for a bit of company on occasion although I do love the time to myself too. Very good for contemplation. I've been interested in perhaps doing some of the sportives too, but haven't had time to prepare for any this year......which one were you planning on?

As for doing the sportive by yourself, I'm sure you wouldn't be alone. I a charity ride here in Essex last summer (40 miles) and was never alone although I didn't know anyone before turning up. There will be other riding a similar pace and people are generally friendly.

Well a big thank you to all your very good advice the conclusion being i took a ride all on my own:eek:
I was frightened and nervous, took a canister of repair puncture in case i got flat still not found out how to mend a puncture:rolleyes:
Thought i would go for just around 4 or 5 miles as then if disaster struck i would be able to walk home with bike. Well i got well and truly lost and ended up cycling 16 miles all on my lonesome:D And guess what, i really enjoyed it apart from getting lost of course. My speed improved and the hills didnt seem so bad, i didnt have the s/o behind me yelling at me go faster change gear you will never make it up that hill. it was great.
The next thing is to learn how to repair puncture and be able to put chain back on.
The only thing now is i have hurt myself and have an appt with my dr tomorrow to see what damage i might have done or how much exercise i can do until it heals. Will keep you all up to speed on that.
Furry duck:D

Hiya

When's this sportive, then? I'm only up here in Norway and it'd be fun to visit England again...

Seriously. My hubby is a long-distance Ironman competitor with 23 years of road cycling experience and a body specially designed for endurance stuff. Me? Tiny sprinter with a dedicated lack of discipline and a certain love of tormenting myself. He doesn't want to ride with me, and I have to admit that I understand him. So eventually, last weekend in fact, I decided to join a cycling club, so that I can have cycling as my own thing as well as a thing I started with after we started going out. Maybe that's an idea for you too? Most cycling clubs should have groups for all levels, and then you both could join, but ride in different groups?

The sportive is in two weeks time, but unsure if i will be able to enter now as i have an injury will no more tomorrow after i have seen the doc.
Thanks for the reply though all replies are helping me so much and giving me so much encouragement it is great.
i dunno what is the problem with the male species, i think sometimes they might be a little scared we will go faster than them :eek:
Furry Duck

Glad you enjoyed the ride! But did you get your injury on the ride???

Hope you feel better soon!

Hi oakleaf,
The injury started as a twinge last week when i was trying to save myself from falling off my bike. Then i tried to push something along that was way too heavy for me, hense i had a sensation of something ripping and the pain was intense. Doc says cant tell for sure but seems i must have torn a muscle. Told me to keep moving it but no putting pressure on shoulder as in drop handle bars for a few days then give it a try see what happens, also advised massage, an anti-inflammatory cream applied to the area and stretching, no uper body weights for the time being.
So watch this space i guess
furry duck