not coming to a child's birthday party

Just wanted to post and see if anybody had any input:

my son is 10, and went to a classmate's birthday party last Sunday. They apparently had a nice time and made a suitable amount of noise ;) .But when he came home he told us that only 6 kids had turned up, even though the entire class of 27 was invited. Which makes me feel sad, and when their teacher found out about it she had talked about it with the whole class how disappointed she was (when said classmate wasn't there).

OK, there are several possible reasons for not showing:
1. a few of the kids never come to birthday parties, possibly because of strictly religious parents
2. birthday party was on a weekend, when people often have other plans
3. the invitation was handed out late, 3 days in advance
4. there was no RSVP in the invitation and
5. parents did not phone to check if people were coming
and 6., maybe the biggie - said classmate is an outsider, a sweet but rather strange boy who usually only plays with a couple of the girls in class

So... what can you do about something like this? I don't KNOW that kids didn't turn up because they don't like him, but I'm guessing it had something to do with it, that they didn't put a high priority on it. And should you force a kid to go to a birthday party anyway?

We're lucky in that our son is a laidback type who's happy as long as he gets to stuff his face with cake, but what if he hadn't wanted to go?

And what can you do about parents who fluff the invitation, by sending it out late and without asking for confirmation? They were obviously expecting a lot of guests, because they had borrowed a large room and had made lots of food.

Any parents - or teachers - with good ideas? The teacher has already set one rule: unless the whole class is invited (or all the girls/all the boys) - no invitations at school. I'm thinking maybe she could add a reminder to invite a week in advance, and ask for RSVP. It's not her responsibility, but it could save a kid from feeling too left out?

I think 6 is a pretty good turn out for a 10 yo's party. No one can expect to be liked by all 27 kids assigned randomly to a class together. I think the teacher has no say in it whatsoever, and she shouldn't have spoken about it all. That's just putting too much importance on it, and is interfering in social relationships that should be left outside school. I think they should not bring invitations to school at all, but instead the child should get phone numbers or addresses from the kids they like or want to invite, and then send the invites to their home via the mail. (In some cases phone invites are fine--we do ours by email.)

I also think the all or none rule is pretty unfair to the parents, because they're required to plan for 27 kids, and there's no way 27 kids would all show up. And then, what if the parents were realists and only planned for 10 and 20 DID show up? Not fair. So they should take the party invitations out of the classroom altogether and make the social contacts outside of school.

I think it's cool that your son went even if he didn't care one way or another. I'd tell him how nice it was of him to go, even when he knows other kids don't like the BD boy, and that's a good character trait to have. Then I'd let it go.

Karen

That's sad. :( I teach, and my rule is the same as hers: you can't pass out invitations unless everyone is invited (well- I also say that they can just invite the girls or boys, but it has to be every girl or every boy). I'd love to not have invitations passed out at school altogether, but that's not likely going to change. Other than that, I stay out of it. Parties are an after school event, and I've got too many things to do to monitor another thing that's far beyond my control.
In a way, the parents are to blame for this: too late notice it seems. Even if it were a child with more friends, 3 days notice isn't much for the weekend. If they'd sent it home earlier, people might have had a chance to attend. I don't know. Touchy subject here. Although on 3 days notice, 6 attendees isn't too bad. I'm glad your son went.

Ahem... teachers already have a lot on their plates without becoming social managers for weekend events.

I don't make my students invite everyone to a birthday party. There are children who are just not pleasant people. I occasionally see invitations on desks, but not very often. If I were a parent, I would not want my 34 students in my house. :eek:

Regarding why only six showed up... would you want to spend your money on a birthday present for someone who isn't really your friend?

I'm really just flabbergasted at the "you have to invite them all thing." I just keep picturing them ALL showing up. I would never presume to dictate what goes on in my students' social lives when they are not in my classroom.

I'd rather know that are getting enough sleep and exercise and that the proportion of tv/computer/video game time is smaller than reading/playing outside/hobby/sport time than tell them who they HAVE to be friends with. Attending someone's birthday is about being friends, it's not about just being polite and kind.

My .04 cents. :p

V.

You're right V, the "invite them all" thing is a bit ridiculous. It's actually school policy, not just mine. If it were mine- I'd say no invitations whatsoever. We've got school business to attend to at school.

Then again, I taught at a Catholic school in a rich part of town and some of those kids/parents made me sick. On one occasion, I had a student invite all the boys from the two second grade classes on a ski trip to Colorado (yes, I guess they could afford it)- all but ONE. He was kind of an outcast and they sent a clear message to him. I thought that was the cruelest thing (and a horrible lesson) from the parents. And guess what- the school had to get involved (like we needed that) because the invitations were passed out at school. After threat of a lawsuit (the wealthy jump all over that when they can- from my experience), the parents settled it. Ridiculous huh?

Ok- my rambling is over. Sorry.
Back to the topic at hand...

I wish they didn't do the invitations in the classroom. But they don't want to take the time to mail them I suspect. They are very surreptious about it that's for sure. But, my students have always seemed to "get it", that not every one is friends with everyone.

Ha... my use of quotation marks around "get it" is a 5th grade standard in CA!

V.

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Originally Posted by Tri Girl

On one occasion, I had a student invite all the boys from the two second grade classes on a ski trip to Colorado (yes, I guess they could afford it)- all but ONE. He was kind of an outcast and they sent a clear message to him. I thought that was the cruelest thing (and a horrible lesson) from the parents. And guess what- the school had to get involved (like we needed that) because the invitations were passed out at school. After threat of a lawsuit (the wealthy jump all over that when they can- from my experience), the parents settled it. Ridiculous huh?

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This is what is wrong with our society - this sense of entitlement that starts at second grade! Gross! :mad:

V.

hey when my kids were little, they were regularly invited to parties where the whole class was invited. I didn't let them go unless the child was their friend. I couldn't afford all the gifts!!!

I've always thought people who invited the entire class were nuts (I couldn't afford it OR deal with the noise myself), and I think parties should be with friends. I tell my parents at the beginning of the year to do their invitations by phone and give out a phone list. Only 1-2 give them out at school. I think the parents were in the wrong here - they didn't ask for RRSP as the big mistake. I always do. My son's birthday is in 2 weeks. He's inviting 3 friends that he plays with all the time. Last year he invited his best friend we did a bunch of stuff instead of a lot of friends doing one thing. I also agree with Mimi - and rarely let him go if it's not someone he plays with.

I agree with both Mimi and Kelowna. My kids went to their friends' parties. And when I had birthday parties for my two kids the children invited were my kids' friends. I certainly couldn't afford a party with 27 kids! But today, watching "my sweet 16 party" on mtv it just floors me. What is our country teaching our young people today? It's a me me me attitude out there. And it's sad!

Here's a newbie question. My son's in K so we're just getting to know the kids. How the heck do you get the info - addresses, phone #, email # etc for the invites in the first place? I don't even know all the kids last names! I drop my son off a half hour before school starts and he goes to dc after. So what I'm saying is the only way I would be able to send out invites is to have him give them out in school.

Do you teachers provide "lists" with this info? Heck, I've asked the teacher twice to let me know if I can switch snack day because I'll be out of town and haven't heard back. It would be easier for me if I knew the parents name and could just call and ask myself.

Just curious...

I think it IS fair of the school to have the "invite all" policy. If you don't want to invite the whole class, then all you have to do is mail the invitations. How hurtful to be one of the ones who did not get an invitation when part of the class is all abuzz about the cool party they are going to.

Birthday parties are NOT school activities and invites should NOT come to school. BUT, if you can't follow that simple guideline, then you better invite everybody. Why is that a bad rule? I know a little girl who is rarely invited to parties. She suffers enough without having to watch the "chosen" ones open up their invites and know that she was excluded and that the whole class knows she was excluded.

Thanks for the responses. Just to clarify - there's no rule against arranging smaller parties with only a few friends, and that's what we usually do, not least because there's no way I can handle 27 kids or all the boys in the class anyway. But the teachers rule is that if you're not handing out invitations to everybody, don't do it in class because it's so obvious when somebody gets left out.

I agree that it's not the teachers job at all to be monitoring this, but I don't mind her having a say in what goes on in her classroom (like handing out invitations).

Ah well. I suspect we're worrying more about it than the classmate in question :)

Old Fart chiming in . . . . I don't recall anyone have birthday parties involving the entire class when I was growing up, either for me or my brother. When one of us had a B-day party, we were allowed to invite a few friends (like 3 because they could fit in the back seat of the car) and we went on a special outing. I was raised by two teacher parents and one set of teacher grandparents. Invitations were made via the phone or in person to the friend's parents, not the child, in case the child couldn't go for some reason.

Things like Valentines delivered in the classroom were an all or nothing rule, but parties were private affairs.

mtbdarby, can't you ask your son if he has a few special friends and take the time one day to be at school when their parents come to pick them up (or drop off)? Or ask him to give a note to the friend to deliver to the parents? Give them your contact info.

-- SK who doesn't get these gigantic parties for entire classes which just cost a ton of money and competition and greed and . . . and . . . :o

That is sad only six showed up. Would the fact it was on Sunday affected attendance?

If my child were invited to this particular party, I would have contacted mom or dad and convey that my child couldn't come because Sunday is our family's day to worship. Hopefully the family wouldn't be offended, as that would not be my intent.

My kids get a bday party every other year and they can invite as many kids as they are old. We make it a point not to deliver invites at school. If we don't know where a kid lives, my kid privately asks them for their address and tells them she will be dropping a party invitation by.

Now for an OT(but party-related moment), as an elected official, I get invited to A LOT of events. I ALWAYS try to RSVP so the host knows whether to count on me. I have learned over the years that many people 1. Don't think an RSVP applies to them or plans change and they just show up 2. Think that one must RSVP ONLY if one is going to attend or 3. It is no big deal to say one is coming and then not show up.

My understanding is RSVP means you tell the host, "Yes, I am coming" or "I am sorry, but I wil not be able to attend".


OK, time to get off my soapbox. . . :rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by GeoCam

How hurtful to be one of the ones who did not get an invitation when part of the class is all abuzz about the cool party they are going to.

...Why is that a bad rule? I know a little girl who is rarely invited to parties. She suffers enough without having to watch the "chosen" ones open up their invites and know that she was excluded and that the whole class knows she was excluded.

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Apparently my students have better manners. They don't open the invites in class. In classroom the "buzz" is focused on academics.

V.

Lifesgreat, I was actually going back to the thread because I forgot to say that. Merci for commenting on répondez s'il vous plaît.

SK - in the old days parents picked up their kids:D In this day and age most parents work until 5pm so kids are bussed to daycare, have grandparents pick them up, etc. Thus my dilemna - how to contact the parents when you don't know who they are??

One child he knows from preK I know the parents last name and the moms first name. I was gonna call her this weekend but HER name isn't in the phone book and I don't know her husbands name. And no adays parents don't necessarily have the same last name....ugh.

Are their school policies that prohibit teachers from giving out parent info for classes?

Ask the teacher. Surely s/he knows who/when the child is picked up. Be there when they do. Or ask the teacher if s/he would give the parents (or grandparents) a note with your contact info. Does the school have a parents' day or open house? Ask for parent volunteers when you could be there when the child is picked up? I can't believe it would be that hard. :confused:

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Originally Posted by SadieKate

Lifesgreat, I was actually going back to the thread because I forgot to say that. Merci for commenting on répondez s'il vous plaît.

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De rien

Well whaddyaknow. This case has actually got a follow-up. My son just told me that there will be a small birthday celebration at school for the boy in question, arranged by the teacher.

While I know this could open a whole can of worms when it comes to why him, why not everybody else, who next... in this particular case I am glad she is doing this. I sent her a short note saying so, and she replied telling me that this boy had been telling her about his upcoming birthday party for weeks and she was just crushed when she heard what happened. So I'm just really happy the class has a teacher who cares so much about her students.

I think it'll be ok actually, I think everybody realizes and accepts that this boy really is a bit different from all the others. He's not DISliked, just not very popular. He's friendly and outgoing, but acts very young for his age and lacks social antennae, and he may well have a diagnosis.

At our school we've always been given a contact list with everybody's adresses and phone numbers early each school year. Very handy!

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Originally Posted by Veronica

Apparently my students have better manners. They don't open the invites in class. In classroom the "buzz" is focused on academics.

V.

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Just curious, Veronica - what age group do you teach?

5th - 10 and 11 year olds. I've been teaching for 15 years.

It's an age when they can mostly begin to comprehend that life is not fair. You do have those exceptional children who don't understand that. They can understand what hurt feelings mean and most aren't deliberately cruel (although a few are.)

It's when they can start to understand that life is what you make it and that their choices DO matter. They cannot control everything that happens to them, who can? But they can choose to make the best of it, or not.

I have a student who started 5th grade not able to read. You would think she'd be teased unmercifully, but kids "get it." They celebrate all of her little successes. They're not perfect. My non reader has some other issues that can be annoying and they get on her for that stuff. But for academics, they are her cheerleaders. It's cool, what kids can do for each other.

V.

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Originally Posted by Veronica

5th - 10 and 11 year olds. I've been teaching for 15 years.

It's an age when they can mostly begin to comprehend that life is not fair. You do have those exceptional children who don't understand that. They can understand what hurt feelings mean and most aren't deliberately cruel (although a few are.)

It's when they can start to understand that life is what you make it and that their choices DO matter. They cannot control everything that happens to them, who can? But they can choose to make the best of it, or not.

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My oldest son is in the fifth grade this schoolyear, V. He's already grown up SO much, and we're not even halfway through it!

~BikeMomma

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Originally Posted by mtbdarby

Are their school policies that prohibit teachers from giving out parent info for classes?

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I send a note home letting parents know I will be sending out a class phone list and have them confirm that I can put their name on the list. I figure that covers me.

I've started having real b-day parties for my dd on what I call "milestone" birthdays. Like age 10, 13, 16 etc. I'm not going to throw around cash I don't always have just to put on a show once a yr. Besides the big parties will be more meaningful. My dd went to one of her girlfriends parties back in summer and she was the only one besides cousins that showed up. Personally I liked it that way, not too many people and they were a nice family and I liked the girl too. She has another frind the same age we trade parties with and her mom and I are good friends.
There was one party several years ago that while we were there, the folks just dissappeared into the bedroom while we there and just didn't come out for awhile. I personally thought it was rude, but didn't say anything. I'm still friends with them(known them for years) I just shy away from get togethers at their house for this reason(I don't think it dawned on them they were being rude). But it's old news and I'm not concerned with it. Jennifer

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Originally Posted by Tri Girl

In a way, the parents are to blame for this: too late notice it seems. Even if it were a child with more friends, 3 days notice isn't much for the weekend.

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As a parent, I was really ticked off with these "short notice" invitations...

and I don't like in a strict scandanavian country;):p

Strict? Never thought of it that way! ;)

Me too. I know that for most kids birthday parties are a big thing, and as long as our son is happy with it we try to make sure he shows. Having to do that on just a few days notice isn't always easy.

The teacher just sent out a letter to everybody about the small celebration at school. Handled very nicely: she wrote that while birthdays usually have nothing to do with school, there had been several unfortunate misunderstandings and the class has "no-one left out" as a kind of motto. And she discreetly reminded all parents to keep a careful eye on invitations and give a response whether the invite asked for it or not, without laying blame.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mtbdarby

SK - in the old days parents picked up their kids:D In this day and age most parents work until 5pm so kids are bussed to daycare, have grandparents pick them up, etc. Thus my dilemna - how to contact the parents when you don't know who they are??

One child he knows from preK I know the parents last name and the moms first name. I was gonna call her this weekend but HER name isn't in the phone book and I don't know her husbands name. And no adays parents don't necessarily have the same last name....ugh.

Are their school policies that prohibit teachers from giving out parent info for classes?

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Our school district publishes a directory with name/address/phone info for all kids k-8 in all elementary schools and middle school. Is that unusual? (You can be omitted if you like, of course).

Yep, that's unusual. :D We have too much movement in our school to do something like that. Heck... we have parents give us emergency phone numbers that have been disconnected. :(

V.

Meh. I was not invited to any birthay parties in primary school. I guess was the outcast. In fact I kind of did not even notice there might have been any at all, so I did not mind.

I minded the other bothering that happened..... but hey, I now probably have the better career and happier private live than most of them so screw all of those who tortured me.